Tag Archive for sex conversations

Threesomes, Foursomes, Moresomes, Oh My…

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I was disappointed to read a recent article By Shannon Bradley-Colleary. It was published in the Huffington Post and titled Marriage and the Ménage à Trois. I have included the link for you here Marriage and the Ménage à Trois. The disappointment came when Mrs. Bradley-Colleary tried to explain that sex was the beginning of love and that it should not be tampered with. There should be no other explorations of a couple with additional partners as it too may lead to love. She says’ “In my experience, sex transmogrifies into, if you’re lucky, genuine love, if you’re less lucky, fluttery infatuation or, if you’re totally screwed, mad obsession”.

Really? Why can’t sex just be sex? And how is it that she speaks for every married couple? I don’t have the answer to that one, but I can add that many couples, married and otherwise, have successful and lively ventures into the world of multiple partners. I have interviewed many who claim the “Lifestyle” saved their marriages and they love the new intimacy and value it brings to their relationships.

I do not speak for all, but I assure you that there are as many different likes as there are dislikes. Mrs. Bradley-Colleary states that she stayed with a man she thought was Satan because the sex was good. Huh? But don’t try a threesome, he may fall in love and leave you. Really?

Every game we play has a set of rules. Relationships are similar in that we have rules around them that we want everyone to adhere to. Marriage is one of those relationships. If the rules aren’t broken we feel like we can win the game and be happy together. But, everybody has to play by the rules. Who’s rules?

Open up the Rules Book

As with any relationship, define the rules and stick to them. Be open to conversation but not deviation. Discuss openly with your partner what is acceptable and what is not. If you wish to try a multi-partner experience I suggest you make a plan, define the rules and play by them. Deviation will cause penalty flags to be thrown leading to disaster. If you feel relationship disaster is the end result, re-think the event.

When we are honest about what we want and can live with the outcome, we have a reasonable relationship between those involved. It will never suit everyone, but if makes you happy, go for it.

Again I suggest, make a plan, a set of rules and stick to them.

Can it be fun and enhancing? That’s for you to decide not Mrs. Bradley-Colleary.

If this subject interests you, please let us know and we will be glad to write a few follow ups.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

Take a look at Jay Simcic’s latest book. Here’s the link to find it on Amazon.com: Mancode Secrets Revealed. I highly recommend it for all of our readers. It covers a ton of aspects that you could benefit from in your relationships. The reviews have been great and I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

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The Dumbest Thing I’ve Ever Heard!

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Have you ever heard someone say, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard”? Of course you have. And not only have you heard it said, it is more than likely that you have said it as well. And at the time it may have been appropriate, but I want to challenge the thought behind the message.

We have a very interesting listening mechanism built into us human beings. From an early age we are programed to hear things in ways that fit into our reality. In other words, if it doesn’t make sense to us, we sometimes belittle it or change it into something else. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard” is just a saying to get us into the normality that we feel comfortable with. Moreover, rather than clear up what was just said or have an open dialogue, we cut off all further conversation.

In his latest book Mancode Secrets Revealed, Jay Simcic covers this in great detail. If you haven’t read it yet, I suggest you pick it up at Amazon.com through the Kindle Store. It’s worth the read.

It explains that we seem to filter everything we hear through what we already know. By doing so, it is very limiting in how and what we learn. And just imagine what it means to our relationships…

Did You Hear That?

Since being in a relationship is emotional, we have our antenna up in order to catch the deeper meaning of the communications within them. Additionally, in a relationship we filter what we hear by how previous relationships have played out over time. We will hear something and reference how it was delivered before and convert the message directly to the “good” or “bad” of the prior situation. But the messages, although worded similarly could be miles apart from each other.

For instance, Ray and his former girlfriend Sarah had an argument that led to the ending of their relationship. Ray had gone out for the evening with some of his college buddies. They watched football and drank beer. One of the guys named Gary met a girl and went home with her. This particular guy was dating Sarah’s best friend. Some how, Sarah discovered Gary’s infidelity and shared it with her girlfriend. This of course, ended that relationship.

When Sarah confronted Ray about the incident, she demanded to know why did nothing to prevent Gary from going home with the other woman. Ray said he was helpless to prevent it and didn’t even know Gary had left with a woman until after he was gone. Sarah was angry hurt about what happened to her girlfriend and was taking it out on Ray. Over and over she would say, “You’re just like him” and “All men are the same”. Ray was not able to convince Sarah of his innocence and the relationship ended soon after.

From that point on, Ray was hyper sensitive to those two phrases, “You’re just like him” and “All men are the same”. When they were originally said by Sarah, the delivery was hostile, through yelling and a heated argument. And yet they never left Ray’s memory.

In his new relationship Ray’s girlfriend would often joke that “All men are the same”. And at first Ray was defensive about the statement. When he realized she was saying it in jest, Ray understood but didn’t like her use of the phrase. It was harmless but the memory was still rather painful. He always had to caution himself when his new girlfriend would use similar phrases in joking.

The Wrong Word in the Right Ear…

From time to time a phrase or saying may incite feelings that are not common with the statement. At these times it is important to dig into where the feeling come from and when they originated. Getting to the bottom of it will help with the feelings of today.

Remember, we listen through our programming filters and try to make the statements of today fit into what we know of days gone by. Try to work through what’s there and don’t be afraid to ask a question in order to have the statement put another way that will assist in getting past it.

There may not be any reason to get upset with the way someone said a particular phrase. Put one way and it may be the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard, re-worded and it may open up something to be explored.

Give it a try and let me know how it works out and if anything opens up for you.

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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The One Thing That Can Fix Your Relationship

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Take a moment and think about the one thing that could impact your relationships more than anything else. Thoughts of intimacy, sex, money may bubble to the surface. We all have different ideas of what makes a good relationship and what could make it better. I have heard women complain about not enough sex and too much sex. I have heard men complain about the same thing. Women often talk about lack of romance but don’t know how to get it from their men. Men say that romance never gets them any where with their women. And goes on and on. The complaints without solutions. Before long all we have is a complaint department with a “Take A Number” rotating sign. And just like in a department store when the clerk yells, “Next”, it does not mean that anything will get resolved. But you do get to voice your complaint.

So what is that one thing that will improve your relationship? It can be an elusive little thing. Fix one thing and another pops up. Solve one problem and another arises. But there is a magic bullet that can make the impact your searching for. And it will work in every situation, every time.

The Set Up…

Take a look at Mary and Steve, they are a married couple with no children. Both have careers, dreams and goals. They seem to be happy and enjoy life with each other. However, Mary had recently taken note that intimacy and sex had not been as frequent. Steve had been working a lot lately, coming home tired and many times he would shower and go straight to bed. He was spending more time away from Mary than ever in their married life.

Rather than talk with Steve she shared it with her girlfriend Amy. Over lunch the two of them rambled on about how men should and should not behave. They discussed what could possibly be “wrong” with Steve. Mary and Amy became convinced that Steve was either no longer interested in the marriage or was cheating with someone else.

The two women left the lunch date satisfied that they had gotten to the bottom of the “problem” but unhappy with what they now believed to be true.

On the other hand…

Steve had been pushing for a big promotion at work and was keeping a secret from Mary. This was an exciting time but the hours were wearing on him. He knew if this promotion came through, they could buy a house and start a family. He couldn’t wait to tell Mary, but he wasn’t going to spring it on her until he knew for sure. Steve was very proud of Mary because she didn’t put any pressure on him. She was so understanding when he came home tired and went right to bed. She was a great wife and he would be so happy to tell her the news when it finally happened!

Does This Sound Familiar?

Steve and Mary are exactly like every couple. They have things going on in their lives and for one reason or another, signals get crossed or misinterpreted. In this case, Steve is working hard to provide a better living and ultimately purchase a home and start a family. His excitement is what keeps him pushing forward. Mary misreads what is happening and validates her thoughts with a close girlfriend. Steve’s long hours and Mary’s interpretations will eventually bring them to battle. Worse yet, there was never really a problem.

We have a great ability to read into a situation that does not fit our reality. In this case, lack of intimacy was not the normal course. It led to thought of infidelity. This was shared and validated by a third party and now we have a huge problem where one never really existed.

The Magic Bullet…

So again, what’s that one thing that will improve your relationship?

If Mary had just talked to Steve and not let it get to the point of wild thoughts, there may have been a different outcome. If Steve had shared with Mary that his workload was going to greatly increase for a while, she may have understood. But when they both remain quite and refuse to discuss what going on, nothing can be resolved. The missing conversation is the Magic Bullet. A simple conversation can change just about anything. Find out what going on, don’t assume. Share openly and request the same from your partner., Talk it over and get to the bottom of what’s really going on. Don’t hide the truth and don’t hide from it.

Conversation is a funny relationship tool. When two people are openly sharing, there is very little that we see as problematic. Take the beginning of a relationship, people talk for hours, they are happy with the dialogue and never want it to end. As time goes on, we talk less. We seem to get comfortable knowing everything. So when an issue crops up, don’t hide from it. Talk like you did at the beginning of the relationship. Get curious and ASK! When you get your answer, you may be pleasantly surprised.

The tools of conversation are what we try to assist with here at RLA. We are passionate about the dialogue. We learn everyday from our relationships and our readers and we hope this benefits each of you. To get more informed and hone your skills, I highly Recommend Jay Simcic’s latest book Mancode Secrets Revealed. In it, Jay covers many of the things in this article but dives far deeper into the meanings and feelings behind what we do. One reader shared that this book not only helped her relationship, it has given her new tools to deal with friends, family and work associates. Check it out at the provided link. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

So, until next time keep this Magic Bullet handy for all relationship situations. Let me know how it goes. We want to hear your success stories.

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Spicing Up Your Sex Life

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Having hotter sex is an ongoing discussion here at RLA Advisors. Time and again we are asked the same question, “What do you suggest?”. When it comes to improving sex there is no “one size fits all” methodology. Sex is an exercise that requires practice and skill just like most physical activities. Few achieve perfection their first time out. It is important to hang in there and keep trying, but at the same time, get better.

Although not one thing works for everyone, we have a few suggestions.

Be Patient

Don’t rush, be patient with yourself and your partner. There is nothing wrong with a “quickie” but it doesn’t have to happen every time. Take the time to explore yourself and your partner. If you are uncomfortable with either, the experience can be less than thrilling. Knowing your body and your partners makes it easier to find all the right spots.

Caress, fondle and examine. Slowly move from one spot to the next. Take more of an interest in the areas that stimulate your partner. And don’t assume that you know every point that he or she likes. With exploration you may just find a few more.

If You Don’t Know, Ask…

Get comfortable with asking questions. During sex it can be exciting to ask if something feels good. Make a game of it and assist each other with the delightful chore of discovering new pleasure spots. One interesting experiment is to create a list of known pleasure areas for each of you. Once completed, share the lists and explore each other without touching any of the listed regions. Place a time limit on this game because it has the tendency to get hot, quick. When the time is up, go for it!

Asking about sex and erogenous zones with your partner can be a little intimidating at first, but in time this should dissipate. Keep each other engaged in the conversation and you will dive deeper into the discussion every time. Each question and answer should be exchanged without any judgment or prejudice. If you don’t know, you have to get the information from somewhere. What better source than the partner you are trying to please?

Getting the Conversation Going

Outside of the bedroom is my favorite place to discuss sex. And I highly recommend it to others. It forces the dialogue to take a different tone and shape. As you are not in the act, the pressure to perform is removed. Since you are not in “performance mode” you get the chance to discuss and exchange ideas without the benefit of doing right then and there (although this has been known to happen on occasion).

The best and most interesting part of the discussion is your imagination. As you begin to talk about what turns you on, what ideas you have, what you have read or seen, the mind reels with the erotic excitement of the conversation. And being excited makes it easier to talk about. Many studies have been done with regard to the human mind and sexual stimulation. It is proven that we respond to question different when we are turned on. And the more we are sexually excited, the more inclined we are to be open about what we think and feel.

Getting into and keeping the conversation going is a great enhancement to sex. I suggest that if either of you are dispassionate about your sex life, discuss it. But let’s not talk about what’s not working. Dwelling on the dysfunctional part tends to highlight just that.  Concentrate on the good stuff even if you have never made it part of your sexual encounters. Commit to each other to be open and honest and schedule a dinner out, away from the house and plan the evening discussion.

Throughout dinner share sexual likes and desires, no matter how crazy or erotic. Don’t judge just accept the conversation as a simple discussion and see where it goes. Ask question about what you are listening to. Get into the nitty gritty of the ideas. Share the eroticism and the fantasies you each have. You may find that you have some ideas in common, but at the very least, you should have an exciting, sexually charged conversation.

Continue on the drive home and enjoy the rest of the evening. Because conversation is the best foreplay.

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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The Politics of Sex

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I really don’t know how to begin today’s article because I am shocked every time this subject comes up. And it comes up often in my candid conversations. So, let’s just put it out there; people in close, intimate relationships are afraid to have good, satisfying sex! There, I said it! Now, I may be over generalizing, but I am certain that this is fact, not opinion. Yes, folks are having sex. Yes they are getting the job done. But, there is this other level that my readers, and friends tell me about that drives me insane!

Let me share a story with you in order to set the stage for the conversation. This is a recap of a recent discussion with a female friend:

Rita: I know you spend a lot of time writing and coaching people about their relationships. Can I ask you a few questions?

Me: Sure

Rita: Things are okay in my relationship with my boyfriend, but he won’t talk to me. I try to get him to but he doesn’t really say anything. What should I do?

Me: When you say he doesn’t talk, what does that mean? Is he quite, avoiding? Does he ignore you?

Rita: Oh, we talk but when I ask him a question he says he will think about it and let me know in the next day or so.

Me: What kind of questions make him take so much time to answer?

Rita: You know, all the usual stuff. Do you love me? Am I the only one for you? Do I please you in bed? Nothing out of the norm.

Me: Well, what’s there for you when you ask him?

Rita: What do you mean, what’s there for me?

Me: I mean, you’re asking interesting questions, but why those questions? What’s there for you? Do you love him? Is he the only one for you? Does he please you in the bedroom?

Rita: Oh, I see what you mean now. I am asking because I have those concerns about me. Is that it?

Me: I don’t know but let’s take a look. Can you answer the questions?

Rita: I think I love him, yes. I feel that he is good for me. And we have a reasonable sex life.

Me: I hear you trailing off through the answers. Is there something there about the sex?

Rita: No, we have a good sex life and it happens often enough. Nothing crazy, but good.

Me: What’s missing that’s not there now?

Rita: Well, I like things a little “freakier” if you know what I mean. He is just very “vanilla” about sex. But it’s fine, we are really good together. It’s not a problem.

Me: How does it go when the two of you talk about spicing up the sex life?

Rita: Oh! I couldn’t talk to him about that! I mean not SEX!

And that’s when the “You’ve got to be shitting me” warning bell went off in my head! Further discussion revealed that Rita was very interested in a more exciting sex life. And not only was she unwilling to talk to her boyfriend about it, she could not imagine herself doing those things with him! She said that she was thinking of cheating in order to get this part of her life fulfilled. Here she was blaming him for lack of discussion and she was holding back BIG things. She was asking him if they were committed to each other and she wasn’t. She was asking if the sex life was good, knowing she was unhappy and unfulfilled. And the saddest part of it all was that she would not entertain the possibility of a discussion. No way, it wasn’t going to happen. End of story.

We Fool Ourselves

In Rita’s case, she was looking to her boyfriend to fix what she wanted without telling him. She was blaming him for her lack of sexual fulfillment. She knew that there was a deep desire within her to have a wilder sexual relationship, but couldn’t picture it with him. WHY?

Why, when we have perfect partners in every other regard, are we willing to settle for something less in our sex lives? The real answer here is fear. We are afraid to have open discussions about sex, even when it’s with our sex partners. But we are also fooling ourselves into thinking that our partner would never be willing to have such a conversation.

I asked Rita if she would consider the possibility of the discussion and she flatly said “No”. She was cutting of any chance of getting what she really wanted with her boyfriend and resigned herself to cheating or being unfulfilled. It stuns me every time I hear it. And I hear it a lot.

Quit Fooling Yourself!

Just think of the possibilities within Rita’s relationship if she were to open the dialogue of having better sex with her partner. Does anyone truly feel that her man would not want to discuss it or just listen. HELL NO! He’s a man for the love of all that is holy! We love sex.

When my girlfriend says she wants to try something new in the bedroom, I become singularly focused with such an intensity that I feel like a sexual super hero. I want to know every detail of what she’s thinking and talk it through. We greatly enjoy the conversational fore play of new ideas and thoughts. The difference is that we have adjusted our dialogue to include sex, fantasies, and new ideas. We have consciously made the choice to offer up any ideas that come to mind and explore the possibility of adding them to our sex lives.

So, I suggest that if Rita, and others like her, should give this a try. Get to the place in your relationship where anything goes within the conversation. It’s only words and they don’t hurt. Don’t make the discussion anything other than what it is, an opportunity to talk about sex with your partner.

Make it beautiful, make it sexy, make it dirty, but just do it!

How to Make it Happen

So where do we start? Great question…

Without reinventing the wheel I will offer up some ways to jump into the conversation with relative ease and safety. Here at RLA we have been building a base of materials for our readers to pull from and I went back through the last few months to find help. Jay Simcic wrote a great piece about our inabilities to read minds. I think this is a good starting point for couples. Read the article and begin the discussion. Here is the one I am recommending: Men and Women Read Minds Poorly .

Then Jay hit another home run with What Does it Take to Turn a Guy On? . This has some silliness in it, but the last part really brings home the point.

Then a few of my offerings to assist with furthering the conversation. These include The Language of Love , Listening Like a Lover and Relationship Boundaries . I recommend that people share these with their partners and find out where they are in the relationship. I feel that you may get a big surprise. At the very least some hot conversation.

Let’s all stop fooling ourselves into thinking we are different and that our partners don’t have the same or similar desires. We are human beings and sex is part of what we do for reproduction and pleasure. Why not enjoy it to the fullest? I find that I don’t get everything every time I engage my girlfriend in conversation, but I get way more than if I just wished about it. Stop wishing and start sharing. I dare you…

Let me know how it goes or if we can help. And don’t hesitate to send me a follow up question.

Until next time…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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