Tag Archive for save your relationships

The Comfort of Avoidance

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We have a tendency in our society to point the finger at a particular issue and demand that it be corrected. In many cases this is through legislation whereby the elected politicians are made to create a law in order to correct the problem. I find it interesting when people demand a change in behavior and yet are not willing to do anything about it. In other words they take comfort in avoidance.

I’ve heard it said that secrets are the poison of any relationship. I have watched as families have torn themselves apart in order to keep their secrets. And in the end the poison kills the relationship. All involved become tainted and the infection rages out of control. More over the secret becomes public knowledge. So why bother?

We are programmed to be peace keepers. We like things to be calm and well maintained. Everyone should follow the rules and if the rules don’t fit, well let’s just change them. But never approach someone and open a dialogue. Why, they may be offended! Oh the shame of such a confrontation.

The comfort of avoidance is a short lived comfort. Just as a secret eventually poisons the relationship, so does avoidance. If you are willing to allow bad behavior because you wish to keep the peace, then make that choice and expect the same behavior from this point forward. If you are unhappy with your relationship but don’t want to rock the boat, then get used to the relationship the way it is.

Avoiding the confrontation (which should be a conversation) does nothing to solve the issue. It sweeps it under a metaphorical rug and allows it to fester becoming more poisonous than before. When dealt with directly the benefits far outweigh the initial discomfort.

The bottom line is taking responsibility for initiating the conversation. This includes having the integrity to say something, doing it with respect and creating a space for open dialogue. And done correctly, the relationship can be advanced rather than comfortable.

Don’t be afraid to say, “I want to discuss something with you. It is part of what is going on inside me and because I care about us. I want to have a conversation with you.”

Keep in mind that what ever happened is done and over with. He did this or she did that, it’s done. The point is to ask for a difference in the behavior based on what was left you you and the relationship. And that’s how you move forward, by looking to the future and creating a new outcome based on mutual agreement.

So why are we scared?

Don’t get comfortable, get results. Talk to each other and share.

I dare you.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Making Any Relationship Work

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Recently, I was asked what the key is to making a relationship work. Those of you who read my articles know that I am a huge fan of communication. I love to engage in meaningful conversation, with friends, family and, of course, my lover. Conversation brings meaning to everything, without it, we have no method of relating or conveying thoughts, ideas or feelings.

I even enjoy conversation about things I don’t like. My friends and I discuss political views and I listen and engage. I have dialog with others regarding differences of religious views and beliefs. I will open a talk about food, working out, music, movies, social programs, gas prices anything, as long as it is meaningful and everyone gets something from the interaction. I don’t like all these subjects, but I love the conversation. I find it mentally stimulating and valuable information in order to truly know others.

It has been said that we should never talk about politics or religion. I would suggest, that a person not able to remove themselves from the emotions attached should not have those conversations. Some of the best interactions I have are with people of differing view points. Why would we only want to engage with like minded people? If everyone is thinking the same thing, 50% of the people are not thinking. So talking with those who don’t agree with our opinion is just that, talking. Listen, engage and have fun.

But, what is really the key to a good relationship? If conversation was all there was, we would be in perfect relational status. With 24 hours news, cable TV and the internet, we talk or get talked to, all the time. So, conversation is only a means of developing and maintaining our relationships, not necessarily the key to success. Not only did I want to provide an answer to my reader, I wanted the answer for myself. What is the key?

Reaching Out Through Technology

In today’s world of distance and technology, it’s been stated that relationships have changed. I would argue, that we have changed as people and how we interact with one another. We have a litany of medias barraging us from the moment we wake up to the minute we go back to sleep. Television, radio, email, internet, social media, cell phones, texting, we have a constant flow of information blasting our senses every waking moment. I myself will have the TV on while I check my emails. I can do both and I like it. But it has changed us not as people, but in the way we interact.

With information flowing into us from everywhere at all times, it is natural for us to filter what we hear and how we hear it. It used to be called selective hearing by married couples. We have the ability to hear what we want when we want to. And with the amount of “stuff” being thrown at us, it stands to reason that we will miss things or just refuse to hear them. It’s not our fault, it is the way of our current world.

Children have adapted faster than many adults, as they don’t see most technology as new. It was here when they arrived on the planet and they simply just use it. Us, more mature folks, have had to adapt and that may mean that we miss things from time to time. We have changed the way we interact, we have more stimuli than ever before and we have technology creating a physical gap between us.

It’s not wrong, it’s just how it is.

We live in a world where it is increasingly difficult to have solid successful relationships. So, What is the key?

Where is Your Hat?

Yeah, where is your hat? That’s right? Here is the key…

When it comes to making a relationship work, I would ask this simple question. For me the answer is easy. Take a look at you and your relationship, if you want the best out of it then get committed to it. Put your hat in the ring. If your hat is on a hook somewhere else then you are not focused here. If your hat is in another ring, then your are committed to something else. The key to making any relationship work is throwing your hat in the ring and committing to it. Communication gets all of the moving parts put in the proper places, but if you’re distracted by all the background noise we suffer with daily, are you really listening? Is your hat in the ring or tilted slightly on your head? Relationships work well and they work best when we commit to them. And although it takes a little work, the benefits are enormous!

And this works for any and all relationships. Take a child for instance, when we tune out all the noise and listen just to them, it becomes their entire world. And in return the child will listen back. They become engaged and want to interact. It is beautiful to watch.

I enjoy the exchanges I have with my friends and family. I treasure dialogue with my lover. If I were to become distracted, what benefit is there for any of us? The key to making any relationship work is taking the time to disengage from all of the garbage infecting our senses and just listen to the one we want to hear from. Put your hat in that ring!

We have an easy excuse given the massive informational input we have each day. It becomes common to say, “I forgot”, “I didn’t hear you say that”, or “What?” but if you want the relationship to really work, commit and throw your hat into the ring. Take the time to listen and hear what’s there for each of you. Not all conversation is fun and not all is worth having, but you only get to decide when you open yourself to the possibility of good dialogue.

So there is the key as I see it. Don’t miss the chance for your child to explain they are unhappy, it may prevent additional issues. Don’t miss the chance to help a friend with a problem, you may have the same one later. Don’t miss the chance to hear about a religious belief, you may discover God. And never miss the opportunity for some to tell you that they love you.

Every time it comes to your relationships, my advice is to throw you hat into the ring.

 

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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How a Woman Should Treat Her Man

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While searching on-line I found a really great article. It was written by a woman and posted as Cyra_Ann’s Blog (see link below). Normally I tend to be very critical of women offering advice about men, but this one gets a lot of things right. Big props to her and I hope to see more from her soon.

Keeping in mind that I expected a “Train Wreck”, the blog was concise and to the point. No extra words in an attempt to look good and it covered some big points that I feel most couples should delve into. I intend to cover many of these in up coming posts, but for now, let’s cover two of the high spots.

Exploring the advice

The title is

“10 Ways How a Woman Should Treat Her Man…”

Right away I was interested. The title specifies the behavior of the woman and intimates a positive result from the man. I wanted to see this…

 

9. Try to never contradict or embarrass him in front of his friends, co-workers, or family. That can be very emasculating. Sometimes you might have to really bite your tongue, but you can talk to him later when you’re both alone and it’ll show that you respect him.

 

WOW! And thank you. I couldn’t believe a woman was suggesting this to other women. I have seen men completely embarrassed by a wife or girlfriend in this manner.  Generally, no one means for it to happen, but quick tongues in the presence of others can cause hurt feelings. With that said, guys are not off the hook by any means. Although I was pleased to see this mentioned as advice for women, men are also guilty. Rather than take sides, this is good advice no matter the gender. Being right isn’t as important as being supportive, kind and respectful to our significant others.

 

4. Listen first, and then talk. Let him finish what he has to say before you interrupt. Ask questions if you’re not sure about what he said.

Cyra_Ann’s Blog

 

Did I read this correctly? Did she really say this? So many of our relationship issues come from trying to make a point, rather than understanding one. And again, this goes for everyone. The interruption of conversation denies the actual conversation itself. Both parties are left wanting because nothing was actually discussed. Tempers flare or the conversation shuts down and rightfully so.
No one enjoys being lectured to, but meaningful, open conversation can lead to understanding and trust. Yes trust! In, an up coming post, we discuss this in greater detail, but just consider that trust is built on understanding a persons intentions. If we understand completely, we can choose to trust or distrust. Otherwise, we have to fill in the blank spaces to make a decision. But then, who do we understand? Not the one we intended to…

This is good information for everyone. I like this blog so much that I will continue its review over the next two weeks in order to cover each of the points in detail.

So, whether you like the post or not, please leave me a comment below. And if there is anything on your mind regarding how a man thinks about sex, love or relationships just ask and I or one of the staff will share our opinion.

Remember to keep the dialog going and if you don’t know…

ASK! ASK! ASK!

Until next week…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear.

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Making Relationships Work – Relationship Problems Dont Have To Be Hard To Solve

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All it takes is a little guidance and a few tips to put you on the right track. If you’re having trouble in your relationship and are looking for ways to save it then check out this video. You learn why making relationships work isn’t as hard as you thought.

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Save This Marriage – Strategies For Convincing A Spouse To Save A Marriage

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Imagine… your partner is seconds away from leaving with packed bags. What do you do. How do you convince your partner that you want to save this marriage. Here are a few tips on where to start.

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