Tag Archive for relationship problem advice

The Comfort of Avoidance

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We have a tendency in our society to point the finger at a particular issue and demand that it be corrected. In many cases this is through legislation whereby the elected politicians are made to create a law in order to correct the problem. I find it interesting when people demand a change in behavior and yet are not willing to do anything about it. In other words they take comfort in avoidance.

I’ve heard it said that secrets are the poison of any relationship. I have watched as families have torn themselves apart in order to keep their secrets. And in the end the poison kills the relationship. All involved become tainted and the infection rages out of control. More over the secret becomes public knowledge. So why bother?

We are programmed to be peace keepers. We like things to be calm and well maintained. Everyone should follow the rules and if the rules don’t fit, well let’s just change them. But never approach someone and open a dialogue. Why, they may be offended! Oh the shame of such a confrontation.

The comfort of avoidance is a short lived comfort. Just as a secret eventually poisons the relationship, so does avoidance. If you are willing to allow bad behavior because you wish to keep the peace, then make that choice and expect the same behavior from this point forward. If you are unhappy with your relationship but don’t want to rock the boat, then get used to the relationship the way it is.

Avoiding the confrontation (which should be a conversation) does nothing to solve the issue. It sweeps it under a metaphorical rug and allows it to fester becoming more poisonous than before. When dealt with directly the benefits far outweigh the initial discomfort.

The bottom line is taking responsibility for initiating the conversation. This includes having the integrity to say something, doing it with respect and creating a space for open dialogue. And done correctly, the relationship can be advanced rather than comfortable.

Don’t be afraid to say, “I want to discuss something with you. It is part of what is going on inside me and because I care about us. I want to have a conversation with you.”

Keep in mind that what ever happened is done and over with. He did this or she did that, it’s done. The point is to ask for a difference in the behavior based on what was left you you and the relationship. And that’s how you move forward, by looking to the future and creating a new outcome based on mutual agreement.

So why are we scared?

Don’t get comfortable, get results. Talk to each other and share.

I dare you.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Flight Attendant Relationship Management

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I recently took a vacation to Cancun, Mexico with my girl friend. We flew on a major airline direct from Charlotte, North Carolina to Cancun and I have to admit that there were more idiot fliers than I have ever seen at one time. People were refusing to check in prior to the flight. Some were not willing to wait in the appropriate lines. Many attempted to board the aircraft out of turn. Folks were having issues finding their seats. And the parade of lunacy just continued.

Once seated however, I was witness to the most amazing woman. A flight attendant named Beth who was in charge without offending anyone. It was incredible. Through all of the bitching, moaning and whining about luggage, seat assignments and whether we were going to have a meal or headsets, she kept her head about her. This woman was able to field questions, place people in seats and placate the ignorant without taking a breath. She was the Wonder Woman of the air lines.

As I watched she handled each complaint as if she was teaching school to third graders. Never getting upset or demeaning those in violation, Beth moved throughout the cabin with grace. She yelled without raising her voice. She demanded without ordering. She suggested as if it was the idea of the passenger. At one point an angry flier told Beth that he wanted to change his seat assignment (on a sold out flight) and she needed to make it happen. Her response was a brilliant as it was simple. She said, “This plane isn’t going anywhere until we are all seated. Let’s see if we can work it out because we are all in this together” He was so stunned by her lack of confrontation that he settled down and did exactly what she suggested. It was great to watch her command the passengers.

Once we were in flight, I took the opportunity to compliment her on the skill. I suggested that I might have put someone in a head-lock if I were confronted with the same. And her response again stunned me. “Well, I truly love my job and what I do” It was that simple. She was going to enjoy what she did, with or without the benefit of the passengers. Talk about taking responsibility for yourself!

I love finding people like this. they give me a reason to look at my own life and I love my life. Bu this woman had it all together and I was in awe. So Beth if your reading this, great job and keep doing what you’re doing. And to the rest of us, let’s try to find that one perfect place where we too can say, “I love what I do”…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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The Power of Voting

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Today the people of the United States will decide on a president for the next four years. They could choose to re-elect President Barack Obama, or make a change by electing Governor Mitt Romney. In either case, people fight for the chance to vote in a presidential election. Many say it is our constitutional right to vote, however there is no such mention in the US constitution. My point is that free people all over the world fight for the ability to choose their leaders.

Wars have been started in order to secure free elections and voting. During the first free elections Iraq and Afghanistan, people waiting in lines to vote were shoot and killed but the citizens continued, undaunted to file into voting precincts. The phenomenon is incredible. I commend any and all who take the opportunity to vote. More importantly, I commend and thank those who risk life and limb to defend our ability to do so.

As free people, our most precious human characteristic is our power to choose. And yet, at times, I want to scream for people to exercise that ability. I ask, if we are willing to fight to take part in a presidential election, why are we not willing to make better choices in our relationships? Better yet, why do so many people make no choice at all? Just like in an election, we have choices every day with regard to our relationships and behaviors. We choose to engage positively or negatively. We can show compassion or disregard another's feelings. In any case it all comes down to choice.

If we fight for an election why not fight for the other? Don't get me wrong, I understand the gravity of electing a US president, but I'm asking why we take little or no interest in choosing to have better and more fulfilling relationships? We have the ability but giving up the power to choose the proper path can have horrible results. And making a positive choice takes far less time than becoming educated about the candidates and then waiting in line to vote.

I can only suppose the reason we don't invest ourselves in willingly making powerful relationship choices is that we either don't care or we don't know the signs of when we need to stop, think and choose. Not knowing is a common problem. Many readers say they don't have control over certain aspects of their lives. I offer that they do, but don't see the issues plainly, without emotion. not having the proper view can prevent the necessary actions for relationship success.

In our up coming book titled The Meaning Making Machine we cover this and more. This book is another useful tool to assist you and your loved ones with finding relationship happiness. The book will be released on Kindle through Amazon.com and I highly recommend it for you and those you care about. It will provide the ground work for your relationships to find common ground in order stop, thin and choose the correct path fro positive growth. Look for it soon both here on our site and at Amazon.com. Choose a better way and find happiness while in the process. Vote for the benefit of your relationship…

Now get out and vote. Until next time…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Threesomes, Foursomes, Moresomes, Oh My…

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I was disappointed to read a recent article By Shannon Bradley-Colleary. It was published in the Huffington Post and titled Marriage and the Ménage à Trois. I have included the link for you here Marriage and the Ménage à Trois. The disappointment came when Mrs. Bradley-Colleary tried to explain that sex was the beginning of love and that it should not be tampered with. There should be no other explorations of a couple with additional partners as it too may lead to love. She says’ “In my experience, sex transmogrifies into, if you’re lucky, genuine love, if you’re less lucky, fluttery infatuation or, if you’re totally screwed, mad obsession”.

Really? Why can’t sex just be sex? And how is it that she speaks for every married couple? I don’t have the answer to that one, but I can add that many couples, married and otherwise, have successful and lively ventures into the world of multiple partners. I have interviewed many who claim the “Lifestyle” saved their marriages and they love the new intimacy and value it brings to their relationships.

I do not speak for all, but I assure you that there are as many different likes as there are dislikes. Mrs. Bradley-Colleary states that she stayed with a man she thought was Satan because the sex was good. Huh? But don’t try a threesome, he may fall in love and leave you. Really?

Every game we play has a set of rules. Relationships are similar in that we have rules around them that we want everyone to adhere to. Marriage is one of those relationships. If the rules aren’t broken we feel like we can win the game and be happy together. But, everybody has to play by the rules. Who’s rules?

Open up the Rules Book

As with any relationship, define the rules and stick to them. Be open to conversation but not deviation. Discuss openly with your partner what is acceptable and what is not. If you wish to try a multi-partner experience I suggest you make a plan, define the rules and play by them. Deviation will cause penalty flags to be thrown leading to disaster. If you feel relationship disaster is the end result, re-think the event.

When we are honest about what we want and can live with the outcome, we have a reasonable relationship between those involved. It will never suit everyone, but if makes you happy, go for it.

Again I suggest, make a plan, a set of rules and stick to them.

Can it be fun and enhancing? That’s for you to decide not Mrs. Bradley-Colleary.

If this subject interests you, please let us know and we will be glad to write a few follow ups.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

Take a look at Jay Simcic’s latest book. Here’s the link to find it on Amazon.com: Mancode Secrets Revealed. I highly recommend it for all of our readers. It covers a ton of aspects that you could benefit from in your relationships. The reviews have been great and I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

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The Dumbest Thing I’ve Ever Heard!

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Have you ever heard someone say, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard”? Of course you have. And not only have you heard it said, it is more than likely that you have said it as well. And at the time it may have been appropriate, but I want to challenge the thought behind the message.

We have a very interesting listening mechanism built into us human beings. From an early age we are programed to hear things in ways that fit into our reality. In other words, if it doesn’t make sense to us, we sometimes belittle it or change it into something else. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard” is just a saying to get us into the normality that we feel comfortable with. Moreover, rather than clear up what was just said or have an open dialogue, we cut off all further conversation.

In his latest book Mancode Secrets Revealed, Jay Simcic covers this in great detail. If you haven’t read it yet, I suggest you pick it up at Amazon.com through the Kindle Store. It’s worth the read.

It explains that we seem to filter everything we hear through what we already know. By doing so, it is very limiting in how and what we learn. And just imagine what it means to our relationships…

Did You Hear That?

Since being in a relationship is emotional, we have our antenna up in order to catch the deeper meaning of the communications within them. Additionally, in a relationship we filter what we hear by how previous relationships have played out over time. We will hear something and reference how it was delivered before and convert the message directly to the “good” or “bad” of the prior situation. But the messages, although worded similarly could be miles apart from each other.

For instance, Ray and his former girlfriend Sarah had an argument that led to the ending of their relationship. Ray had gone out for the evening with some of his college buddies. They watched football and drank beer. One of the guys named Gary met a girl and went home with her. This particular guy was dating Sarah’s best friend. Some how, Sarah discovered Gary’s infidelity and shared it with her girlfriend. This of course, ended that relationship.

When Sarah confronted Ray about the incident, she demanded to know why did nothing to prevent Gary from going home with the other woman. Ray said he was helpless to prevent it and didn’t even know Gary had left with a woman until after he was gone. Sarah was angry hurt about what happened to her girlfriend and was taking it out on Ray. Over and over she would say, “You’re just like him” and “All men are the same”. Ray was not able to convince Sarah of his innocence and the relationship ended soon after.

From that point on, Ray was hyper sensitive to those two phrases, “You’re just like him” and “All men are the same”. When they were originally said by Sarah, the delivery was hostile, through yelling and a heated argument. And yet they never left Ray’s memory.

In his new relationship Ray’s girlfriend would often joke that “All men are the same”. And at first Ray was defensive about the statement. When he realized she was saying it in jest, Ray understood but didn’t like her use of the phrase. It was harmless but the memory was still rather painful. He always had to caution himself when his new girlfriend would use similar phrases in joking.

The Wrong Word in the Right Ear…

From time to time a phrase or saying may incite feelings that are not common with the statement. At these times it is important to dig into where the feeling come from and when they originated. Getting to the bottom of it will help with the feelings of today.

Remember, we listen through our programming filters and try to make the statements of today fit into what we know of days gone by. Try to work through what’s there and don’t be afraid to ask a question in order to have the statement put another way that will assist in getting past it.

There may not be any reason to get upset with the way someone said a particular phrase. Put one way and it may be the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard, re-worded and it may open up something to be explored.

Give it a try and let me know how it works out and if anything opens up for you.

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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