Tag Archive for relationship conflict resolution

Did she cheat?–Marriage Conflict Resolution Strategies

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Marriage Conflict ResolutionBelow is a story of conflict in a marriage based on a true story.  Think about how you would handle it if you were in one of these people’s shoes…

You’ve been married for 4 years.  You and your husband work and you both work hard.  You’re both very compatible, don’t fight or have major issues and you trust each other.  You trust each other fully.

You’ve both ran into some hard times lately.  Your husband was running two businesses.  Both were impacted by the economic recession  and one failed.  The other weathered the storm and he’s been working long hours to get it back to where it needs to be.  You’ve had a couple of tragedies in the family where people close to you have passed away.  And to top that off, your one girlfriend who is your best friend moves away to take the job of her dreams.

You both spend time together in the evening – watch TV, chat, engage in some sort of companionship.  The conversations you have with your husband are not deep, open your heart type conversations.  They are very surface level.  You’ve both been through a lot and are very exhausted with those types of conversations between each other.

Your husband doesn’t have many friends but the ones he does have are guys.  You have several other friends and most of them are guys.  Your husband doesn’t mind because…

He Trusts You 100%.

Recently an old high school friend (guy) moves nearby.  He contacts you and you get to know each other again.  You share phone calls daily and sometimes email back and forth.  He’s single, decent looking and loves to go out and do things.

The time you’ve been spending together has been very nice.  You’ve been enjoying yourself and feel like you can talk to him.

Your husband knows about this new guy, we’ll call him John.  He’s ok with the situation because he trusts you.

You’ve started to go out more with John.  Sometimes you go to parks with him and buddies and other times you’ll meet him and friends at the bar for drinks.  While you’re out with John your husband is working on his business.  You rarely meet John alone but your husband has indicated that he’s a little worried about your relationship with John.  He’s never been worried about a relationship you’ve had with another guy until now.

Your husband is concerned because he doesn’t want to lose you and feels like nothing is wrong between you.  But he has something going on about John.  You’re lucky enough that your husband let you know his feelings.  He doesn’t want to act jealous or tell you who to be friends with so he made his feelings clear and said he’s ok with whatever you do.

He did add that if you cheat on him he WILL leave you.

Since then, John has asked you to go on a lake outing with his and your friends.  You think it would fun to take your little niece with you.  Your husband can’t go and is stuck working.

You’re considering going…

What Should You Do?

As you can see this is a tough situation to be in.  The husband trusts his wife but he’s having jealous type feelings about this relationship.  He doesn’t want to say things that will make his wife feel stifled or caged in their relationship.  He knows his work schedule is very busy and he doesn’t have as much time as he’d like to spend with his wife and wants her to have fun anyway.

He’s given into the relationship because of his value to his wife’s well being.  But he has concerns.

Here’s what I think should happen.  The husband has already let his wife know his feelings.

The first question that comes to my mind is why hasn’t the husband had an opportunity to meet this friend?  Why hasn’t the wife set up a few situations where they could all get to know each other?

To quell that question I would recommend they all get together on regular occasions. It would give John an opportunity to see the wife and her husband together and it would allow the husband to get acquainted with John.

If the the husband’s feelings continue after a few meetings I would suggest that he sit down with his wife first and address his concerns with her.  He has these feelings.  Yes he’s responsible for how he feels and the only way to let them go is to be with them.  He can do that by talking about them, where they come from, and why he thinks he has them with his wife.  She truly may not be having an affair starting and it could be all in her husband’s mind.  The only way to deal with it is to get it out in the open.

If her husband keeps his feelings under wraps he may find himself looking for and finding evidence (falsely) that his wife is having an affair.  Remember, we as humans have a survival mechanism that has us need to be right.  We’ll look for evidence that proves are point.  We’ll go far and wide to find information that makes us right, even if it’s unrelated.

If the husband doesn’t get his concerns addressed until he is ok with the situation then it’s a disaster waiting to happen no matter what the wife is doing with John (innocent or not).

It’s highly critical that both the husband and wife are honest and authentic about their feelings and actions toward each other and toward John.

As always this situation should be able to be handled with an…

Open and Honest Communication.

Let me know what you would do in this situation and leave a comment below.  If you have a scenario or situation you would like for us to address, tell us in the comment section and we’ll be sure to address it.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

PS- If you haven’t picked up Bobby’s book called @$$holes to Zipper heads – A to Z Guide for Choosing a Man you may want to grab it now.  It’s one of the best playbooks on how to choose a man I’ve read.  I’ll be handing it to my daughter when she’s ready.   Go get it, you’ll love it.

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