Tag Archive for relationship advice

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge-Part 3

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 0.0/4 (0 votes cast)

RelationshipBreakthroughSmallIf you missed the first two parts of the Relationship Breakthrough you can check them out here…

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge-Part 1

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge-Part 2

I would recommend you read those first two posts first to get the greatest impact of today’s lesson.  But either way you will GET value.

In this part of the Relationship Breakthrough you’re going to get an idea of why you may see your relationship as not working, what causes you to feel the way you do, and how to take your relationship to a new level.

Get ready to unlock the blueprint of your relationships.

When you look at your relationships and how they’re working for you it stands to reason the first thing that needs to be done is look at where your relationships come from.  Why does it seem you get into the same type of relationships over and over again?  Why does it seem like you end up with the wrong man over and over again?

So first, ask yourself…

How have YOU made your relationships be the way they are?

You’re probably saying… What!?  How have “I” made my relationships this way?

That’s right… It’s time to take responsibility.  If you recall from part 2 of this series the focus was gaining your power back by being responsible for the way things are.  It’s time to do that RIGHT NOW.

You’ve made your relationships the way they are by finding the person you’re with as a result of the story you’ve told yourself over the years about YOU and others.

For instance, if you think “I’m not good enough.”  You may find yourself looking for partners who are less than you.  Not like value you but like they need something from you to be right.  That way you feel a little better, like you have everything figured out.

I’m not saying you do this consciously.  I’m saying that based on the story “I’m not good enough” that you’ve built up at an unconscious level you do things to find people who fit that mold.

Now lets add to that a story you have that says, “I’ll never find the right partner, I’ll have to change them.”

You may find yourself looking for partners who are sub par.  People who NEED YOUR HELP.  That’s also congruent with how you see yourself.  If you’re not good enough and you find someone who needs your help, WOW you might feel loved and appreciated for once.

I’m here to tell you, none of it’s true.

What is your story, exactly?

Your story consist of your experiences, feelings, and memories in life.  In essence, it’s your past.  AND it’s what you have made the past MEAN to you.

Let me give you an example…

Henrietta grew up with an abusive father.  He verbally abused and sometimes smacked her around.  Her first experience of a man was her father.  At that age she decided she never wanted to be with a man who was like that.  She drew conclusions of what he looked like, how he talked, the tone he used, and how he acted around women.  This happen when she was a child and stayed with her forever.  A few more instances of this type of abuse occurred as she grew up that solidified those thoughts.

Now, she won’t be with a man who looks, acts or uses the tones like her father and those other men.  Now she is with men who are weak and are submissive to her because she wants to be in control.  She doesn’t want to be treated like that again so she compensates.  But she does it at an unconscious level.  It’s the young girl that’s driving the bus, not the grown adult.  She has no idea why she’s picking these men.

There could be more too it.

When she was a girl she figured she wasn’t doing things right, she wasn’t good enough, because her dad treated her that way.  That thought has stuck with her.  She feels like she’s not good enough and compensates with the men she’s with in one way or another.  So, not only does she not find the RIGHT man for her, she also treats them differently because the story is running her life.

She hates her relationships because they don’t go the way she thinks they should go.  But they ARE going the way she has created them to be – from her past.

You’ll probably say, “She didn’t cause her father to do the things he did.  She didn’t cause the men she was with to be submissive.”

No but she made the meaning and she went looking and accepted the relationships of the submissive men.

So why doesn’t she have the relationships she wants?

It’s because our lives are like a thermostat.  We set it to 76 degrees.  If the temperature is 80 degrees then the air kicks on and it cools the house till it gets to the set temperature.  And vice versa.

If you have a vision of how your relationship should look but your story has run it a different way, you’re not happy because your thermostat is off.

You strive for your relationship to be a perfect 76 degrees but your story guides you down a different path.  (You’re A/C unit is broke.)

If you keep doing the same thing and you never interrupt your story you’ll continue to get more of what you’ve always gotten.

That’s why it’s so important to take responsibility for everything you’ve created in your relationship and your life.

So why don’t you change things, knowing that you want your relationships to go a certain way?

It’s because we take actions congruent with how our relationships occur to us.

For instance, if in your relationship you view your partner as broken, needing to be fixed, weak, or anything of the sort – you will act accordingly.  You will treat your man that way.  At the same time if you “aren’t good enough” you will treat yourself in your relationship as if you aren’t good enough. (You stay with someone who is not the right fit only because you think it’s the right thing to do—again story.)

Your story may be telling you – My partner needs fixing and in order to make me feel like I’m good enough I’m going to stick it out and try and fix him.

You act in accordance with how you see yourself and how you see your partner.  Combine those two things and you have the reason why you do the things you do in your relationship.

And it all stems back to getting responsible about yourself, your past, and the people you’re with in a relationship.

So that begs the question…

Can you change your story, the meaning you’ve given things?

Yes!  Yes!

You can’t change the events but you certainly can understand why YOU created what they mean and you get to create new meaning or leave it be.

For instance, Henrietta can’t change what her father did and what the other men in her life did but she can be honest and understand what she made those things mean.  She can be responsible that SHE created the meaning as a little girl and she no longer has to live her life that way.  She can now be responsible for her actions.

She can now choose to stay with the man she’s with – all issues and everything – or she can choose to move on.

There are only a couple of ways Henrietta can get through this.

She may realize that she was compensating for her stories about how she sees herself and how she sees her partner, realize her partner is not the RIGHT person for her and go find someone knew.

Or

She could realize all those things and stay with her partner if she TRULY believes this person is right for her.

Now that she realizes those things about herself and her story she can be aware of her actions, change the way her relationships occur and how she occurs to herself.  That by itself will change the actions she takes in her relationships.

It all boils down to taking responsibility for yourself.  It’s just being done in a way you may have not seen before.

How do you change the meaning something?

This might be easy to grasp and allow me to explain it.  Have you ever reacted to something negatively or in a flammable way.  Ask yourself, why did you react that way.  It will more than likely take you to a belief you have about something.

Now be honest and ask yourself why you have that belief.  You may find that you don’t know why, you may know why, but either way that belief has a certain meaning for you.  And if someone drives in the opposite direction of the way you THINK it should be, you react.  And you do it at an unconscious level.

Now, if you can be responsible for the fact that you MADE the meaning up or transferred that meaning from someone else, like a parent, you can see how changing the meaning is a matter of accepting responsibility for it and choosing to change it.

You can change it or allow it to be neutral.  It’s your life, your belief, use the event and the beliefs how you want.  But don’t let them use you.  Don’t be at the affect of life.

Be responsible.

How do you take that and move your relationship to the next level?

Now you can live your life productively with your partner.  You can powerfully choose to stay or leave based on what you uncovered about yourself and how you view your relationships.

Once you understand and can utilize this you will either take your current relationship to a new level or you will create a new relationship. But ultimately you are FREE to choose that for yourself.

You are not locked in.

And remember you can NOT change your partner.  You have to do the work first.

I remember a time when my wife asked me to take the trash out.  It took me 3 hours because I didn’t do it right away.  She got pissed.  She had expectations that I was going to do it right when she asked, but she didn’t communicate it.  Also, she got inflamed because she ended up taking the trash out and figured it was my job to do that.

After we talked about it we both realized that she got pissed, not at me but at what her belief was about what I should have done.  I realized that when she made a request it was in the moment.  Now we communicate a whole lot clearer.

Now go practice.  Take some time by yourself and follow these steps.

  1. Pick one area about yourself that you would like to investigate.
  2. Ask yourself why you are that way. Be honest and think back to the earliest memory you have that would make you the way you’re being or seeing yourself.
  3. Write it down like this… Write down what happen and then write down what you made it mean.  And be honest.
  4. Now that you have identified that, write down ways that meaning has filtered your view of yourself or others around you.

If you do this and you’re honest with yourself, you may find that you’ve been letting a meaning that happened long ago has been driving your bus.  You just didn’t know it.

In the next post of this series I’m going to show you why you find yourself not taking action when it comes to confronting your partner or people in other relationships.  You’ll see clearly how to overcome what it is that stops you.  Stay tuned…

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 0.0/4 (0 votes cast)

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge-Part 2

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 0.0/4 (0 votes cast)

Relationship ChallengeIf you missed the first part of the Relationship Breakthrough Challenge you can view part 1 here.

Imagine for a moment that you’re at home relaxing.  Your husband comes home a little late from work.  He shows up with a big grin on his face.  He looks at you and says “Look honey, I bought a new car.  Isn’t it great?”

What would be the first reaction you have?

More than likely it would be nearly the same reaction as anytime you’re about to get into a disagreement of this type.  You know, when he does something without telling you and you feel like you should have been informed or better yet, consulted.

Patterns rule our world…

It is through patterns of emotion that we react and deal with things in our lives.  We use the same emotions over and over again because we’ve built a pattern of use that protects us, helps us cope, and gives us some level of comfort in knowing what comes next.  And it is THESE patterns that will keep you confined to a cage of limits to how you can deal with situations.

It is the pattern you default to that limits your ability to see new courses of action to take in your relationship.  Why?  Because you can only react the way you know how.

In fact, you probably don’t even know you do it.  If you don’t know you do it, you can’t have control over it.  And if you don’t have control over it, then your default emotion and reactions run you, you DON’T run them.

Which can be a problem when you’re in a long-term relationship.

Consider that these problems, that you react to in the same way over and over again can cause you massive amounts of stress.  And that could lead to more problems in the relationship, more stress, and even depression.

But…

Where does stress come from?

Stress is created when your view of the world, your view of how your relationship should go, is NOT being met.  You have a standard or expectation of how things in your relationship should go.  And if they don’t go that way, you default to the emotion and reaction for that situation.

Of course that doesn’t do anything to progress your relationship or the situation forward.  In fact it may cause it to get worse.  You’re reacting to everything and never gain an upper hand because you’re falling into a default way of being with your partner.

When those issues don’t go a way and you continue this cycle it impacts you both emotionally and physically.  And that compounds matters.

The true impact of your relationships?

Our relationships magnify our emotions and impact every other aspect of our lives.  If your relationships at home are problematic, they will impact work.  If your relationships at work are problematic they will effect your home life.

Think about times you’ve had a fight with your spouse and leave the house in disgust.  You may have found yourself in a foul mood on the way too work to arrive even worse than when you left the house.  You might even confide in your “girlfriends” at work who will side with your view just because they are your friends.

“How could he do such a thing.”

“He could learn a thing or two.”

All of these comments fuel your anger and you end up taking it out on one of the men in your office.  It all continues to escalate unless it’s handled sooner rather than later.  I would even bet you take your anger out on your kids if you have any.  They’re in your face, constantly wanting something… and you yell at them.  They just want to do what kids do and play.

But where does all this come from and how do you break free?

You lose every ounce of power you have when you react in your default emotion or reaction.  Consider that you give your power away to your past that has you be the way you are.  I’ll explain more about the past in just a minute but for now, I’m sure you’ll agree that you do lose your power in these situations.

You’re not in control.  I bet that when you have a problem or an event takes place that doesn’t go the way you think it should, you blame something or someone.  You might blame the event for causing you to get upset.  You may blame your partner for causing you to “get that way”.  But you rarely if ever take responsibility for how you react.

How could you.  You think it’s some external force causing you to be a certain way.

The problem is that when you blame something and you DO NOT take responsibility for your actions, reactions, and emotions you are at the effect of life.  And when you are at the effect of life you lose all the power in your relationship.  You essentially hand it to whoever will take it, push your button, or cause you to react.

That’s no way to live life.  But it’s how we all have done it for so long.  Until you get responsible.

Hang with me a few more minutes and you’ll get what I’m talking about.

Regain your power!

Consider that the common “thing” in every upset, problem or negative reaction you have is YOU.  And it is YOU who needs to take responsibility for your actions.

You see, no one can push your arm, leg or knuckle and cause you to be mad, sad, or unhappy.  What typically happens is… something happens, you make it mean something, and react to the meaning.

Once you see that it is the meaning that triggers certain emotions, you can take control back.  Once you become aware of this meaning, identify where it comes from, you can now choose whether you’re going to get upset or take a different action.  Your partner isn’t in your head pushing buttons making you be a certain way.  You’re reacting to something he did and the meaning you assigned it.

Once you begin to see that you do have control you can regain your power over every relationship situation.  You get to choose what you get mad at and what you don’t.  But you are no longer at the effect of life.  Now you get to choose when you act and when you don’t.

And that gives you the tool to work things out, talk things out, and deal with the issues instead of get upset and move into your default emotion.  You are now equipped to handle problems quickly and easily.

So how exactly do you deal with a problem?

First, take responsibility for your own emotions and reactions.  “He” didn’t MAKE you do anything.  He did what he did and you made it mean something that caused you to unconsciously react.  Now that you know you do that, you can take responsibility for your reactions and emotions.

Now you can get them under control and confront him without the emotions that hold the conversation back.  You may find your conversation with him now is empowered by who you are being in the situation.  You may find that he respects you more for talking to him in a civil tone rather than reacting how you’ve always done.

By doing this you will gain a level of power with yourself that transcends the relationship and transforms it into something you never thought possible until now.

Change your relationship and change your life…

Here are the steps you can take to improve your relationship, take responsibility for your emotions and reactions, and move your relationship and life to another level on the playing field.

  1. Identify one default behavior you do when you get upset with your partner.
  2. Look at what he did and find out what that action or event means to you.  (Be honest here, you can only make progress if you’re brutally honest with yourself.)
  3. When did you first give that type of event meaning?
  4. It’s just an event, can you give it up and take responsibility for your own emotions and reactions?
  5. Now be fully aware of when you’re about to react to an event.  Go through the process and just be with it.  Don’t react.
  6. Now you’ve got control and can choose the emotion you want to use to discuss the situation with your partner.

Is it really that easy?

Yes.  And it does take practice.

Consider you and I are meaning making machines who give meaning and react with emotion any chance we get.  And it didn’t just start.  We’ve been doing it since we were children.  And we’ve carried that along with us every step of the way.  In the next article I’ll talk about how these meanings are the story of our lives and made us who we are.  I’ll show you how you can truly transform your relationships into something you’ve always wanted.

So stay tuned for the next post.  In the mean time, drop us an email or leave a comment.  Let us know how things are going for you.

Love… to infinity and beyond,

Jay

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 0.0/4 (0 votes cast)

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge-Part 1

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 0.0/4 (0 votes cast)

Relationship BreakthroughOver the next several weeks I’m going to challenge you to have a breakthrough in your relationship. I’m committed that you uncover different aspects of your relationship that allows you to take the bond you have with your partner to a new level.  This is going to require you to pay attention and practice a few steps.  And when you do, you’ll SEE the results.

Over the coming weeks I’m going to talk about different aspects of how to overcome limiting beliefs, how to overcome stress, and take responsibility for certain aspects of your life. I’m also going to have you  look at the story of your life, how to uncover the truth that you really never lose, and how your decisions ultimately guide your life as you know.

During the next 4 to 5 weeks all I ask is that you keep an open mind to the ideas that I provide you. I’m certain that if you follow along do the practice sessions and continue to practice on a daily basis you will have breakthroughs in all the relationships in your life.

Let’s start with our emotions.

One of the things that we tend to do is we look at our relationships and all the problems we have.  However, what we fail to do is look at the problems objectively.

What I mean by that is… take someone who has tons of money, has everything that they could ever want, but hates life. Then look at someone who is a paraplegic who has every reason to hate life but lives a fully satisfied, happy, and joyful life.

If you begin to look at your problems objectively you may see that they really aren’t that big.  Besides, every problem you ever encounter can be handled.  And we’ll talk about how you can deal with them in later posts.

One area that allows you to feel like you’re doing well in your relationships is making progress toward some goal you WANT or NEED.

When you’re making progress toward a goal, you feel alive. You thrive with positive emotion because you can see you’re moving in the “right direction”.

And if you don’t feel like you’re making progress toward that goal, you SEE it as a problem to overcome.

Consider that the circumstances of our lives don’t control our emotions or how we feel.

You may look at an event that seems to be negative and say that it was the event that caused you to feel a that way. This is completely not true. YOU control how the event occurs to you.

To turn your problems into something workable you first have to shift how that experience occurs to you. In order to do that you must change your “should’s” about the experience.

For instance…

My wife barked an order at me.  She shouldn’t have done that.  She should have ASKED me to do what she wanted.  Instead she pissed me off and I yelled at her.

Consider that my reaction was based on how it “should be”.  And the “should be” is something I totally made up.

Now consider you do the same things.  You have a list of “should’s” in everything you do in life, PRIMARILY your relationships.

“He should open the door for me.”

“He should cook my dinner.”

“He should let me orgasm first.”

Our lives are built from a world of “should’s” that we didn’t know we had.

We REACT, not to the event, but how we think it should go.

Consider for a moment that your “should’s” were created from the experience of your life.  That’s how you came to believe them.  Now they seem true to you even if they aren’t.  These turn into expectations that may go unfulfilled because you’re partner doesn’t know.

The Devil Inside

If having these expectations of how things “should” go wasn’t enough add to it one of the deadliest relationship killers of all.

Our default emotion.

Yes, you have a default emotion.  It’s something that you default too when things don’t go the way they should…  It’s natural for you, it’s your default.  We all have it and sometimes are different depending on the “should”.

For instance angry people will get angry when an expectation is unfulfilled. Depressed people will get depressed when their expectation is not met. Ambivalent people get ambivalent.

These are default patterns that will drive us in our relationships.  They will be what you resort to in those “circumstances”.

Now consider you don’t even know that you do it. You react to life as if life is making you do things. You react to events in your relationship as if the other person is making you angry, depressed, or sad.

They aren’t DOING it.  Consider for a moment that it is YOU who gets to choose how you react.

The only way that you can gain control of your emotions and make a difference in your relationship is to become aware of it and modify it.

So here are a few steps you can take to identify what your typical patterns are and change them so you can take your relationship to the next level.

Identify your dominant emotion.

What you want to do is look at how you act.  Be honest with yourself and identify the dominant emotion that you turn to in times of need or crisis. Take a sheet of paper out and write down all of the emotions that you use during a given day.  They can be both empowering emotions as well as disempowering emotions.

You may notice that you turn to the same emotions over and over again. These are your dominant emotions. These are the emotions that you turn to when your relationship doesn’t go the way you think it should.

What’s the fix.

Now I want you to look at the emotions that you just wrote down.  Think about what emotions you would rather have or that would make a difference in your relationship when the crap hits the fan.  What emotion would you have that if you had it, would make all the difference in the world.

For instance, if your dominant emotion is anger what emotion would you like to have in place of anger that would transform your relationship with your partner?

If you’re depressed, what emotion would you like to have in place of it that would give you a breakthrough in your relationship.

Again, be honest with yourself and write this down on that piece of paper.

Practice awareness and shift the emotion.

The next step in having a breakthrough in your relationship is to practice being aware.  You must “SEE” when you’re turning into your dominant emotion.  Said another way, if you’re dominant emotion is angry, then notice when you get angry.  If your dominant emotion is sadness, notice when you get said.

I’m not saying look back into the past.  I’m saying notice it when it happens.  Once you notice it you have the control to shift it.  This is your opportunity to shift that dominant emotion into the one you said would cause a breakthrough in your relationship.

If you’re angry, notice it and shift it to joyful (or whatever you chose).  Shift depressed into happy.

What ever it is you do, shift it into what it is you WANT.

Just by doing this exercise you will gain so much power over your emotions you may surprise yourself.  And when you do this it may even impact others around you.

Anchoring the emotion.

The next step is to make that shift happen so you don’t have to think about it. The only way that can happen is if you continue to practice day after day, recognize your dominant emotion and when you’re having it, shift it into the fix emotion. As you become aware and practice these emotional shifts you are gaining control over your results.

Let me explain what I mean by that last sentence. Imagine that your partner comes home from work and demands that you make dinner. Your normal condition would be to get angry. What would it be like if instead of angry you got joyful. You don’t have to have a reason, you just get joyful. It would shift the situation considerably. In fact your joyfulness may impact your partner’s emotions. How awesome would it be if he ended up being joyful because of you.

As you can see we have dominant emotions that were dealing with time and time again. It’s natural and we all do it. But sometimes those dominant emotions may not be healthy in our relationships. So it’s up to us to take control, identify those dominant emotions, shift them into emotions that will progress the relationship forward and enable it to be a spectacular partnership. Once you do that you can continue to condition your dominant emotion into something that you enjoy.

Once you do this for you relationships, you may notice that it rolls over into the other areas of your life.

If you have questions please go ahead and ask them below. Most importantly I’d like you to read this more than once and then go practice.

I would love it if you would let me know your results. Also next week we’re going to talk about how to overcome stress and what taking responsibility really means. This could be the secret sauce that allows you to transform your relationship to a whole another level.

Love… To infinity and beyond.

Jay

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 0.0/4 (0 votes cast)

Making Any Relationship Work

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 0.0/4 (0 votes cast)

Recently, I was asked what the key is to making a relationship work. Those of you who read my articles know that I am a huge fan of communication. I love to engage in meaningful conversation, with friends, family and, of course, my lover. Conversation brings meaning to everything, without it, we have no method of relating or conveying thoughts, ideas or feelings.

I even enjoy conversation about things I don’t like. My friends and I discuss political views and I listen and engage. I have dialog with others regarding differences of religious views and beliefs. I will open a talk about food, working out, music, movies, social programs, gas prices anything, as long as it is meaningful and everyone gets something from the interaction. I don’t like all these subjects, but I love the conversation. I find it mentally stimulating and valuable information in order to truly know others.

It has been said that we should never talk about politics or religion. I would suggest, that a person not able to remove themselves from the emotions attached should not have those conversations. Some of the best interactions I have are with people of differing view points. Why would we only want to engage with like minded people? If everyone is thinking the same thing, 50% of the people are not thinking. So talking with those who don’t agree with our opinion is just that, talking. Listen, engage and have fun.

But, what is really the key to a good relationship? If conversation was all there was, we would be in perfect relational status. With 24 hours news, cable TV and the internet, we talk or get talked to, all the time. So, conversation is only a means of developing and maintaining our relationships, not necessarily the key to success. Not only did I want to provide an answer to my reader, I wanted the answer for myself. What is the key?

Reaching Out Through Technology

In today’s world of distance and technology, it’s been stated that relationships have changed. I would argue, that we have changed as people and how we interact with one another. We have a litany of medias barraging us from the moment we wake up to the minute we go back to sleep. Television, radio, email, internet, social media, cell phones, texting, we have a constant flow of information blasting our senses every waking moment. I myself will have the TV on while I check my emails. I can do both and I like it. But it has changed us not as people, but in the way we interact.

With information flowing into us from everywhere at all times, it is natural for us to filter what we hear and how we hear it. It used to be called selective hearing by married couples. We have the ability to hear what we want when we want to. And with the amount of “stuff” being thrown at us, it stands to reason that we will miss things or just refuse to hear them. It’s not our fault, it is the way of our current world.

Children have adapted faster than many adults, as they don’t see most technology as new. It was here when they arrived on the planet and they simply just use it. Us, more mature folks, have had to adapt and that may mean that we miss things from time to time. We have changed the way we interact, we have more stimuli than ever before and we have technology creating a physical gap between us.

It’s not wrong, it’s just how it is.

We live in a world where it is increasingly difficult to have solid successful relationships. So, What is the key?

Where is Your Hat?

Yeah, where is your hat? That’s right? Here is the key…

When it comes to making a relationship work, I would ask this simple question. For me the answer is easy. Take a look at you and your relationship, if you want the best out of it then get committed to it. Put your hat in the ring. If your hat is on a hook somewhere else then you are not focused here. If your hat is in another ring, then your are committed to something else. The key to making any relationship work is throwing your hat in the ring and committing to it. Communication gets all of the moving parts put in the proper places, but if you’re distracted by all the background noise we suffer with daily, are you really listening? Is your hat in the ring or tilted slightly on your head? Relationships work well and they work best when we commit to them. And although it takes a little work, the benefits are enormous!

And this works for any and all relationships. Take a child for instance, when we tune out all the noise and listen just to them, it becomes their entire world. And in return the child will listen back. They become engaged and want to interact. It is beautiful to watch.

I enjoy the exchanges I have with my friends and family. I treasure dialogue with my lover. If I were to become distracted, what benefit is there for any of us? The key to making any relationship work is taking the time to disengage from all of the garbage infecting our senses and just listen to the one we want to hear from. Put your hat in that ring!

We have an easy excuse given the massive informational input we have each day. It becomes common to say, “I forgot”, “I didn’t hear you say that”, or “What?” but if you want the relationship to really work, commit and throw your hat into the ring. Take the time to listen and hear what’s there for each of you. Not all conversation is fun and not all is worth having, but you only get to decide when you open yourself to the possibility of good dialogue.

So there is the key as I see it. Don’t miss the chance for your child to explain they are unhappy, it may prevent additional issues. Don’t miss the chance to help a friend with a problem, you may have the same one later. Don’t miss the chance to hear about a religious belief, you may discover God. And never miss the opportunity for some to tell you that they love you.

Every time it comes to your relationships, my advice is to throw you hat into the ring.

 

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 0.0/4 (0 votes cast)

How To Fix My Relationship In One Simple Step

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 4.0/4 (1 vote cast)

Fix Your RelationshipHere’s a story for you…

Jeff was dating Michelle.  Jeff cheated on Michelle with her best friend and she found out.

She was devastated.

This happens two more times with guys she has dated.

Now Michelle is dating Henry.  The problem is that every woman Henry talks to or even glances at, Michelle gets jealous and becomes very angry.  Is Henry doing anything wrong.  Not in this case, but Michelle is carrying with her the past relationships with Jeff and all the others.  Because she’s had so many men cheat on her, she believes all men are cheaters.  Maybe not outright but those thoughts creep in from time to time.  They’re there.

That ultimately impacts Michelle’s relationship with Henry and if nothing changes, their relationship will more than likely end up like all the others… broken.

She has a choice.

She could choose to let go of the past and totally be with Henry for who he is RIGHT NOW.  Not who she thinks he is, who he could be or any other stuff she makes up.  If she chooses to be with him for who he is now she may find their partnership grows in ways that she never dreamed possible.

All because she gave up the past.

Have you ever considered that your past relationships could be haunting YOU?  Those relationships could be the reasons you do and say the things you do and say.

You’re probably looking at this post right now going, no… not me.

But the truth is, we ALL carry around our past relationships and then compare them to our current relationship.  We’re constantly looking to see if they measure up.

Do you ever find yourself dreaming or thinking of anyone in your past?  Maybe you had a dream about him.  Do you think that could be influencing how you are now.

Absolutely it is.

It’s even worse if you’ve had a few difficult relationships.  You’ll carry those around with you and bounce every new partner you have with those old ones.

If you don’t do something, it could be impending doom.

Either way you look at it, whatever is necessary for you to let those past relationships go NOW is what MUST be done.  If you don’t, no relationship you have going forward will stand up on it’s own merit.

It will always be a comparison to something.

Time to move on.

I get it, those past relationships made an impression.  You don’t have to forget them.  You don’t have to forget the things you like and don’t like in a relationship. But it’s imperative that you move on and complete them.

Focus on what you have right now and live it up.  Don’t focus on the past.  Stop comparing.

The person you’re with right now is a blank slate.  You get to start over new and see your partner for exactly who they are for you.  You control what you think and do and it doesn’t have to be an effect of past problems.

Be who you truly want to be with the partner you’re with right now.  Be loving, kind and free.  If you break up, ok.  If they cheat, ok.  That actually has nothing to do with your value, your confidence, or in fact anything to do with you.

They did what they did.  There’s not much you can do about.  But we’ll tend to re-live those moments over and over again.

I don’t know about you but once is enough.

Give it up and move on.  Find someone else.  Here’s a great excerpt from a popular psychology magazine that illustrates this concept…

By becoming psychologically differentiated from damaging experiences and identities from our past, we can develop a stronger sense of who we really are. We can begin to live our lives rather than relive our pasts. People who are differentiated in this manner have succeeded, to a large extent, in emancipating themselves from negative childhood influences. As a result, they have developed their own value system and set their own course in life. When people have a sense of their identity and are possessed of self, they can have a genuine respect for the boundaries, wants, and priorities of another individual, be it their partner, spouse, friend, or child.

Genuine love requires valuing another person’s goals in life separate from one’s own personal needs and interests. In a truly loving couple, each partner recognizes that the motives, desires, and aspirations of the other are as important as his or her own. Because they feel congenial toward each other’s aspirations, partners try not to interfere, intrude, or manipulate in order to dominate or control the relationship.

Source:  PsychologyToday.com

You’ll never be able to tell the future. But the way our brains work we try to tell in advance if someone is the right person for us, if they are a good person and if they will do right by us.

The fact is, you can speculate all day long.  But you’ll never know for sure.

The bottom line is, let those past relationships go.  Live with aliveness and vitality in your current relationship. Be who you truly want to be and allow your partner to be with you as you are, not with the baggage.

Do you have a long list of relationships that didn’t work?  Tell me about them.  Post them below.  I’d love to engage in conversation with you.

Till next time…

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 4.0/4 (1 vote cast)