Tag Archive for relationship advice

Staying in the Conversation

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Here at RLA Advisors we constantly promote the need to openly discuss any and all issues as they arise. We ask that you jump into the mud of dialogue and get filthy dirty in the details. It can be messy and for that reason many people avoid continuing dialogue. A danger here is to think that one conversation has ended all issues and we can move on without follow up. On occasion this is possible, but if the reason for the discord is rather deeply seeded in our minds, then the continuation of conversation is very necessary.

Fixing one problem in a relationship is fulfilling and can set you on a track to happiness, but what happens if that fix was only a small bandage on a bigger problem? The issue will reoccur and that reoccurrence can lead to frustration.

Why doesn’t he understand? We just talked about this last month…

Why is she bringing this up again? didn’t we just cover this?

Intellectually we think that something has gone wrong with the original discussion and having another will not solve anything. We become resigned to having less than we desire with regard to our relationships. We find ourselves thinking, “It will always be this way”.

Actually it is the continuation of the conversation that smooth’s out the rough patches and repairs the relationship roads we travel. Consider the problem a pot-hole in the road we are on. If we keep going around the pot-hole and ignore repairing it, it will always be there and possibly increase in size. Openly talking about what the problem is will tend to fill the pot-hole little by little. After many conversations and choosing to understand, we have the ability to get this particular issue resolved and the road to happiness is a little less bumpy.

Keep Talking

Remaining in the conversation keeps all parties present to what happens to be there. Being aware helps the repair and allows everyone to stay on the same page with regard to the specific issue.

If two people talk about a vision for their relationship and allow years to pass before restoring the discussion, what possible roads have each of them taken without the other? Could it be that one went left and the other went right? One went around and the other went over? Could they have gone in complete different directions? We will never know without conversation…

Hang in There…

Our first book was released several months ago and it is designed to provide women insight into a man’s world. The book is titled Mancode Secrets Revealed – Relationship Advice For Women here is the link to purchase it on Amazon.com Mancode Secrets Revealed. Our second book is a guide for women to find a great partner and avoid the pitfalls of problematic men. This book is titled @$$holes to Zipper Heads – A to Z Guide For Finding A Man. Here again is the link to purchase it on Amazon.com @$$holes to Zipperheads. Both books have seen great success and have strong reviews. I highly recommend them for assistance with staying in the conversation.

Additionally, our latest book will be released in the next few weeks, titled The Meaning Making Machine. This book too is designed to provide insight into how we view ourselves and others with tools to assist in having and maintaining the conversation. Afterward, we will begin production of a fourth in this series to be released early in 2013. All of these are designed to help lead you to relationship success.

If your are a reader of our blog, then I assert you want to have success in your relationships. I suggest you buy the current books and the follow ups soon to be released. And let us know how it goes. Your success can be the one piece missing in another reader’s life. Share freely and allow others to benefit from your triumph!

Until next time…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

PS We are also in the process of publishing and promoting a few select authors for your entertainment. Keep a look out for a new erotic fiction series and an exciting drama/thriller series. We will provide additional details as the release dates get a little closer, but I assure you, these will be exciting and well worth the read.

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Threesomes, Foursomes, Moresomes, Oh My…

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I was disappointed to read a recent article By Shannon Bradley-Colleary. It was published in the Huffington Post and titled Marriage and the Ménage à Trois. I have included the link for you here Marriage and the Ménage à Trois. The disappointment came when Mrs. Bradley-Colleary tried to explain that sex was the beginning of love and that it should not be tampered with. There should be no other explorations of a couple with additional partners as it too may lead to love. She says’ “In my experience, sex transmogrifies into, if you’re lucky, genuine love, if you’re less lucky, fluttery infatuation or, if you’re totally screwed, mad obsession”.

Really? Why can’t sex just be sex? And how is it that she speaks for every married couple? I don’t have the answer to that one, but I can add that many couples, married and otherwise, have successful and lively ventures into the world of multiple partners. I have interviewed many who claim the “Lifestyle” saved their marriages and they love the new intimacy and value it brings to their relationships.

I do not speak for all, but I assure you that there are as many different likes as there are dislikes. Mrs. Bradley-Colleary states that she stayed with a man she thought was Satan because the sex was good. Huh? But don’t try a threesome, he may fall in love and leave you. Really?

Every game we play has a set of rules. Relationships are similar in that we have rules around them that we want everyone to adhere to. Marriage is one of those relationships. If the rules aren’t broken we feel like we can win the game and be happy together. But, everybody has to play by the rules. Who’s rules?

Open up the Rules Book

As with any relationship, define the rules and stick to them. Be open to conversation but not deviation. Discuss openly with your partner what is acceptable and what is not. If you wish to try a multi-partner experience I suggest you make a plan, define the rules and play by them. Deviation will cause penalty flags to be thrown leading to disaster. If you feel relationship disaster is the end result, re-think the event.

When we are honest about what we want and can live with the outcome, we have a reasonable relationship between those involved. It will never suit everyone, but if makes you happy, go for it.

Again I suggest, make a plan, a set of rules and stick to them.

Can it be fun and enhancing? That’s for you to decide not Mrs. Bradley-Colleary.

If this subject interests you, please let us know and we will be glad to write a few follow ups.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

Take a look at Jay Simcic’s latest book. Here’s the link to find it on Amazon.com: Mancode Secrets Revealed. I highly recommend it for all of our readers. It covers a ton of aspects that you could benefit from in your relationships. The reviews have been great and I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

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How do you tell your husband he’s fat and you want him to exercise?

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Overweight in your relationship

Imagine your husband is 5’10” and weights 310 lbs.

You love your husband completely.  You’ve never thought about leaving him.  You just want him to be around for you and your family for as long as possible.  You know that if he doesn’t change his weight will definitely impact his health.

What do you do?

How do you tell him without getting him pissed?

The First Thing You Must Do…

Is figure out why you want him to lose weight.

If you want him to lose weight because he’s not appealing to you anymore is different than you wanting him to lose weight because of health reasons.

Do you get upset, angry, or yell at him when he violates what you deem is healthy?  Do you jab him about his weight to try and get your point across?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these I recommend you first look at what is triggering you about your man’s weight.

Maybe you had a family member pass because of obesity related health complications.  Maybe you had something happen when you were younger that has stuck with you (kids picking on you because you were overweight).

If you can first identify this it will then help YOU deal with the current situation without getting emotional.  Believe me, these types of conversations can become emotional and then you go no where.  You will now be able to communicate your intent and concern without your own filters and thoughts on the matter.  Remember, he’ll have thoughts, emotions, and ideas about where he is health wise too… so you’ll need to be open and non-judgmental about where he’s coming from.

Now it’s time to sit down and have the conversation.  You’ll want more than just 10 minutes if you want to have a meaningful conversation.  I recommend you set a date and time the two of you can sit and talk.  Let him know that you want to talk about some important things to you and you need enough time to discuss them.  Once you’ve done that you will want to let him know exactly where you’re at on this topic.

I don’t recommend you say something like, “Dude, you’re fat and I don’t want you to die.”  What you can do is say, “I love you and want to spend as long as we can together, happily.  The only way to do that is to do the right things in our life like saving, keeping the peace in the family, and staying healthy.  And that’s why I want to talk to you…”

You get the picture.

Once you’ve said what you had to, you can let him speak.  Don’t interrupt and listen intently.  You should listen for the content beyond the surface.  On the surface you may hear superficial comments.  Beneath that you may hear that he is hurting emotionally and is dealing with something.  Don’t judge and don’t jump to conclusions.  Talk to him, ask questions, and be in wonder about where he is about his on health.

That’s how you’ll get him to open up and begin to make a difference in his health and your lives together.

If you’ve ever wanted to delve deeper into your man’s psyche and explore what you can do to improve your relationship you will want to check out @$$holes To Zipper Heads:  A to Z Guide For Choosing A Man.  It’s a great read that will open up your eyes on how to explore the world of your man in a new way.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

Photo Source:  A Matched Set photo by Tobyotter on Flickr

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Did she cheat?–Marriage Conflict Resolution Strategies

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Marriage Conflict ResolutionBelow is a story of conflict in a marriage based on a true story.  Think about how you would handle it if you were in one of these people’s shoes…

You’ve been married for 4 years.  You and your husband work and you both work hard.  You’re both very compatible, don’t fight or have major issues and you trust each other.  You trust each other fully.

You’ve both ran into some hard times lately.  Your husband was running two businesses.  Both were impacted by the economic recession  and one failed.  The other weathered the storm and he’s been working long hours to get it back to where it needs to be.  You’ve had a couple of tragedies in the family where people close to you have passed away.  And to top that off, your one girlfriend who is your best friend moves away to take the job of her dreams.

You both spend time together in the evening – watch TV, chat, engage in some sort of companionship.  The conversations you have with your husband are not deep, open your heart type conversations.  They are very surface level.  You’ve both been through a lot and are very exhausted with those types of conversations between each other.

Your husband doesn’t have many friends but the ones he does have are guys.  You have several other friends and most of them are guys.  Your husband doesn’t mind because…

He Trusts You 100%.

Recently an old high school friend (guy) moves nearby.  He contacts you and you get to know each other again.  You share phone calls daily and sometimes email back and forth.  He’s single, decent looking and loves to go out and do things.

The time you’ve been spending together has been very nice.  You’ve been enjoying yourself and feel like you can talk to him.

Your husband knows about this new guy, we’ll call him John.  He’s ok with the situation because he trusts you.

You’ve started to go out more with John.  Sometimes you go to parks with him and buddies and other times you’ll meet him and friends at the bar for drinks.  While you’re out with John your husband is working on his business.  You rarely meet John alone but your husband has indicated that he’s a little worried about your relationship with John.  He’s never been worried about a relationship you’ve had with another guy until now.

Your husband is concerned because he doesn’t want to lose you and feels like nothing is wrong between you.  But he has something going on about John.  You’re lucky enough that your husband let you know his feelings.  He doesn’t want to act jealous or tell you who to be friends with so he made his feelings clear and said he’s ok with whatever you do.

He did add that if you cheat on him he WILL leave you.

Since then, John has asked you to go on a lake outing with his and your friends.  You think it would fun to take your little niece with you.  Your husband can’t go and is stuck working.

You’re considering going…

What Should You Do?

As you can see this is a tough situation to be in.  The husband trusts his wife but he’s having jealous type feelings about this relationship.  He doesn’t want to say things that will make his wife feel stifled or caged in their relationship.  He knows his work schedule is very busy and he doesn’t have as much time as he’d like to spend with his wife and wants her to have fun anyway.

He’s given into the relationship because of his value to his wife’s well being.  But he has concerns.

Here’s what I think should happen.  The husband has already let his wife know his feelings.

The first question that comes to my mind is why hasn’t the husband had an opportunity to meet this friend?  Why hasn’t the wife set up a few situations where they could all get to know each other?

To quell that question I would recommend they all get together on regular occasions. It would give John an opportunity to see the wife and her husband together and it would allow the husband to get acquainted with John.

If the the husband’s feelings continue after a few meetings I would suggest that he sit down with his wife first and address his concerns with her.  He has these feelings.  Yes he’s responsible for how he feels and the only way to let them go is to be with them.  He can do that by talking about them, where they come from, and why he thinks he has them with his wife.  She truly may not be having an affair starting and it could be all in her husband’s mind.  The only way to deal with it is to get it out in the open.

If her husband keeps his feelings under wraps he may find himself looking for and finding evidence (falsely) that his wife is having an affair.  Remember, we as humans have a survival mechanism that has us need to be right.  We’ll look for evidence that proves are point.  We’ll go far and wide to find information that makes us right, even if it’s unrelated.

If the husband doesn’t get his concerns addressed until he is ok with the situation then it’s a disaster waiting to happen no matter what the wife is doing with John (innocent or not).

It’s highly critical that both the husband and wife are honest and authentic about their feelings and actions toward each other and toward John.

As always this situation should be able to be handled with an…

Open and Honest Communication.

Let me know what you would do in this situation and leave a comment below.  If you have a scenario or situation you would like for us to address, tell us in the comment section and we’ll be sure to address it.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

PS- If you haven’t picked up Bobby’s book called @$$holes to Zipper heads – A to Z Guide for Choosing a Man you may want to grab it now.  It’s one of the best playbooks on how to choose a man I’ve read.  I’ll be handing it to my daughter when she’s ready.   Go get it, you’ll love it.

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Avoid Arguments About Your In-laws By Taking Responsibility

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couple crisisXSmallImagine Sally comes home from work, her husband Jack is sitting on the coach reading a book. 

Sally mentions to Jack, “My mom and dad wanted to know if they could come and stay with us for two weeks.  I hope you don’t mind but I told them it would be fine.”

Jack puts down his book and glares at Sally. 

“You told them it would be fine without talking to me first?”

“What does it matter, you would have said yes anyway.”

“That’s not the point. You never give me the courtesy of asking first and always assume that it’s ok.  It’s BS and I don’t like it.”

“Whatever!”

Jack leaves the house and doesn’t come back for hours.  When he does come home Sally smells alcohol on his breath. 

They don’t speak for the next day and a half.  And when Sally’s parents arrive Jack is cold, standoffish, and doesn’t want to have anything to do with any of them.

What’s going on in this situation?  Why does Sally find that it’s ok to allow her parents to come over without first checking with Jack?  Why does Jack get so upset when Sally invites her parents over?

There are several issues at work here.  There are tons of things you can speculate on.

Maybe Sally just wants to spend time with her family.  Maybe Jack feels like a 2nd class citizen and has no say in his own house.  Maybe Sally doesn’t like it when Jack treats her and her family the way he does.

As you can see, there are many avenues that can be taken.  The question becomes, if you’re in a similar situation how could you handle it?  How would I coach these two people toward resolution.

The first thing I would do is help both Jack and Sally realize that they control their own emotions.  Jack didn’t make Sally mad and Sally didn’t make Jack mad.  They did it all on their own.  They need to be RESPONSIBLE for their own actions, feelings and emotions.

You see, often times we blame others and say that they “made us feel that way”.  It’s all BS and is our human mechanism for not being responsible.  The why of it all I’ll discuss some other time.  For now I’d like you to consider that we all do it as a learned survival mechanism. 

How would YOU coach Jack and Sally in their relationship?

In this case I would suggest to Sally that she first ask Jack what is going on in his mind when she invites her parents over.  I would suggest that Sally let Jack vent, talk, and get anything he needs to say out on the table until he feels understood by Sally.  It’s critical that Sally understands where Jack is coming from and leaves him with the feeling of being understood.

I would recommend that Jack do the same for Sally.  Ask her why she doesn’t feel like it’s necessary to check with him first.  What gets her upset when he goes out and has a few drinks after an argument.  He should allow her to talk, vent, and say anything she needs to.  Jack should leave Sally feeling as if he understand her completely. 

They both should listen openly and without judgment.  They should listen with out agenda except to fully understand the other person.  When they do that and they are honest about their feelings and thoughts, more than likely the will have new openings for action to take toward their relationship specifically in this area of life.  They will gain a new found connectedness and relatedness toward each other and handle the situation different next time.

Everything that I mentioned here is totally hypothetical yet probably fits your life in some way.  I’m sure in some area you can apply what I’ve talked about here.  When you can see that, be honest about seeing that and then talk to your partner about those things, that’s when your relationship will grow exponentially. 

And that reminds me about Bobby’s new book that is out on Amazon Kindle.  He covers many aspects of dealing with and choosing a man.  One of the principles I’ve talked about here, specifically taking responsibility for yourself, is covered extensively and I think you would get a lot from it.  I’d like to you to get a copy for yourself and read it and tell me what you think either as an Amazon review or here on the blog.  The book is called @$$holes to Zipperheads – A to Z Guide For Choosing A Man and you can pick up on Amazon today.

As always,

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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