Tag Archive for relationship advice for women

Communication Confessions Of A Geek

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GeekI was reading a book the other day to improve my understanding of people in business and politics and how the world works in reality.  Yes, I  know that’s kind of geeky but I love that stuff.  But what became clear very quickly was how it crossed over into the realm of relationships.

And that’s where I asked myself, why do we misunderstand each other and act weird when we do?  I don’t mince words.  I typically say exactly what I mean but why did my wife misunderstand me and then we both act weird.  Or why does your husband misunderstand you.

I think you’ll enjoy the excerpt form Frank I. Luntz book “Words That Work:  It’s Not What You Say That Matters, It’s What People Hear” that I picked out for you.  It delivers a powerful message.  Again, this is from a book that is not about relationships but if you read this passage with your relationship mind you’ll quickly discover what I’m talking about and why it is effective.

It’s not what you say, it’s what people hear.   You can have the best message in the world, but the person on the receiving end will always understand it through the prism of his or her own emotions, preconceptions, prejudices, and preexisting beliefs. It’s not enough to be correct or reasonable or even brilliant. The key to successful communication is to take the imaginative leap of stuffing yourself right into your listener’s shoes to know what they are thinking and feeling in the deepest recesses of their mind and heart. How that person perceives what you say is even more real, at least in a practical sense, than how you perceive yourself.

When someone asks me to illustrate the concept of “words that work,” I tell them to read Orwell’s 1984—and then see the movie. In particular, I refer them to the book passage that describes Room 101—or as Orwell basically describes it, the place where everyone’s personal, individual nightmares come true. If your greatest fear is snakes, you open the door to a room full of snakes. If your fear is drowning, your Room 101 fills to the brim with water. To me, this is the most frightening, horrific, imaginative concept ever put on paper, simply because it encourages you to imagine your own Room 101. Words that work, whether fiction or reality, not only explain but also motivate. They cause you to think as well as act. They trigger emotion as well as understanding.

Luntz, Frank I. (2007-01-02). Words That Work: It’s Not What You Say that Matters, It’s What People Hear (Kindle Locations 124-135). Hyperion. Kindle Edition.

Do you get that?  It’s not about what you said or how you said it.  It’s about how he filtered what you said and how you sounded to him.  Once you get that one concept… all by itself… it has the ability to transform your relationship to a new level of understanding and connection.  Understand this concept and you’ll begin to gain a level of relatedness with your partner you’ve probably never had before.

But the question becomes…

How can you know how he hears you?

The first thing that comes to mind is to ask him.

If you say something and he misunderstands you, instead of scolding him or getting upset and shutting down, ask him to feed back to you what he heard and what it meant to him.  Do that and you can begin to get on the same footing and level the playing field.  Now you can begin to understand each other more clearly.  Doing this is like wiping a dirty window with some window cleaner.

But here’s the truth about it.   This is just one aspect that you’ll break through.  Consider that we all have hundreds, possibly thousands, of filters that we hear, see, taste, and smell through.  Obviously we don’t have to break down every single filter.  But by understanding that there is more than one you can begin to take on your relationships at an intimate level as well as at work in a different way.

It definitely gives you a new way of viewing things.

What can you do now that you know this?

Now that you know all this you can begin to see the depth and complexity of your man.  Sometimes he may open up to you.  Sometimes he won’t.  I urge you to talk to him as often as possible.  Understand him as much as you can.  If he won’t open up on a particular topic consider talking to another man.  It’s not the perfect solution but it will help.

And if you want to get a quick overview of what your man thinks, I ask that you visit Amazon.com and pick up a copy this amazing book called A$$holes to Zipper Heads:  A to Z Guide For Choosing A Man, it will give you an eye opening look at your own filters and how they have caused you to choose the man you have now and in the past.  The insight will be tremendous and it already has 3 Five Star reviews.

I hope this article has been helpful.  Until next time…

Love… to infinity and beyond.

 

Jay

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The One Thing That Can Fix Your Relationship

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Take a moment and think about the one thing that could impact your relationships more than anything else. Thoughts of intimacy, sex, money may bubble to the surface. We all have different ideas of what makes a good relationship and what could make it better. I have heard women complain about not enough sex and too much sex. I have heard men complain about the same thing. Women often talk about lack of romance but don’t know how to get it from their men. Men say that romance never gets them any where with their women. And goes on and on. The complaints without solutions. Before long all we have is a complaint department with a “Take A Number” rotating sign. And just like in a department store when the clerk yells, “Next”, it does not mean that anything will get resolved. But you do get to voice your complaint.

So what is that one thing that will improve your relationship? It can be an elusive little thing. Fix one thing and another pops up. Solve one problem and another arises. But there is a magic bullet that can make the impact your searching for. And it will work in every situation, every time.

The Set Up…

Take a look at Mary and Steve, they are a married couple with no children. Both have careers, dreams and goals. They seem to be happy and enjoy life with each other. However, Mary had recently taken note that intimacy and sex had not been as frequent. Steve had been working a lot lately, coming home tired and many times he would shower and go straight to bed. He was spending more time away from Mary than ever in their married life.

Rather than talk with Steve she shared it with her girlfriend Amy. Over lunch the two of them rambled on about how men should and should not behave. They discussed what could possibly be “wrong” with Steve. Mary and Amy became convinced that Steve was either no longer interested in the marriage or was cheating with someone else.

The two women left the lunch date satisfied that they had gotten to the bottom of the “problem” but unhappy with what they now believed to be true.

On the other hand…

Steve had been pushing for a big promotion at work and was keeping a secret from Mary. This was an exciting time but the hours were wearing on him. He knew if this promotion came through, they could buy a house and start a family. He couldn’t wait to tell Mary, but he wasn’t going to spring it on her until he knew for sure. Steve was very proud of Mary because she didn’t put any pressure on him. She was so understanding when he came home tired and went right to bed. She was a great wife and he would be so happy to tell her the news when it finally happened!

Does This Sound Familiar?

Steve and Mary are exactly like every couple. They have things going on in their lives and for one reason or another, signals get crossed or misinterpreted. In this case, Steve is working hard to provide a better living and ultimately purchase a home and start a family. His excitement is what keeps him pushing forward. Mary misreads what is happening and validates her thoughts with a close girlfriend. Steve’s long hours and Mary’s interpretations will eventually bring them to battle. Worse yet, there was never really a problem.

We have a great ability to read into a situation that does not fit our reality. In this case, lack of intimacy was not the normal course. It led to thought of infidelity. This was shared and validated by a third party and now we have a huge problem where one never really existed.

The Magic Bullet…

So again, what’s that one thing that will improve your relationship?

If Mary had just talked to Steve and not let it get to the point of wild thoughts, there may have been a different outcome. If Steve had shared with Mary that his workload was going to greatly increase for a while, she may have understood. But when they both remain quite and refuse to discuss what going on, nothing can be resolved. The missing conversation is the Magic Bullet. A simple conversation can change just about anything. Find out what going on, don’t assume. Share openly and request the same from your partner., Talk it over and get to the bottom of what’s really going on. Don’t hide the truth and don’t hide from it.

Conversation is a funny relationship tool. When two people are openly sharing, there is very little that we see as problematic. Take the beginning of a relationship, people talk for hours, they are happy with the dialogue and never want it to end. As time goes on, we talk less. We seem to get comfortable knowing everything. So when an issue crops up, don’t hide from it. Talk like you did at the beginning of the relationship. Get curious and ASK! When you get your answer, you may be pleasantly surprised.

The tools of conversation are what we try to assist with here at RLA. We are passionate about the dialogue. We learn everyday from our relationships and our readers and we hope this benefits each of you. To get more informed and hone your skills, I highly Recommend Jay Simcic’s latest book Mancode Secrets Revealed. In it, Jay covers many of the things in this article but dives far deeper into the meanings and feelings behind what we do. One reader shared that this book not only helped her relationship, it has given her new tools to deal with friends, family and work associates. Check it out at the provided link. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

So, until next time keep this Magic Bullet handy for all relationship situations. Let me know how it goes. We want to hear your success stories.

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Avoid Arguments About Your In-laws By Taking Responsibility

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couple crisisXSmallImagine Sally comes home from work, her husband Jack is sitting on the coach reading a book. 

Sally mentions to Jack, “My mom and dad wanted to know if they could come and stay with us for two weeks.  I hope you don’t mind but I told them it would be fine.”

Jack puts down his book and glares at Sally. 

“You told them it would be fine without talking to me first?”

“What does it matter, you would have said yes anyway.”

“That’s not the point. You never give me the courtesy of asking first and always assume that it’s ok.  It’s BS and I don’t like it.”

“Whatever!”

Jack leaves the house and doesn’t come back for hours.  When he does come home Sally smells alcohol on his breath. 

They don’t speak for the next day and a half.  And when Sally’s parents arrive Jack is cold, standoffish, and doesn’t want to have anything to do with any of them.

What’s going on in this situation?  Why does Sally find that it’s ok to allow her parents to come over without first checking with Jack?  Why does Jack get so upset when Sally invites her parents over?

There are several issues at work here.  There are tons of things you can speculate on.

Maybe Sally just wants to spend time with her family.  Maybe Jack feels like a 2nd class citizen and has no say in his own house.  Maybe Sally doesn’t like it when Jack treats her and her family the way he does.

As you can see, there are many avenues that can be taken.  The question becomes, if you’re in a similar situation how could you handle it?  How would I coach these two people toward resolution.

The first thing I would do is help both Jack and Sally realize that they control their own emotions.  Jack didn’t make Sally mad and Sally didn’t make Jack mad.  They did it all on their own.  They need to be RESPONSIBLE for their own actions, feelings and emotions.

You see, often times we blame others and say that they “made us feel that way”.  It’s all BS and is our human mechanism for not being responsible.  The why of it all I’ll discuss some other time.  For now I’d like you to consider that we all do it as a learned survival mechanism. 

How would YOU coach Jack and Sally in their relationship?

In this case I would suggest to Sally that she first ask Jack what is going on in his mind when she invites her parents over.  I would suggest that Sally let Jack vent, talk, and get anything he needs to say out on the table until he feels understood by Sally.  It’s critical that Sally understands where Jack is coming from and leaves him with the feeling of being understood.

I would recommend that Jack do the same for Sally.  Ask her why she doesn’t feel like it’s necessary to check with him first.  What gets her upset when he goes out and has a few drinks after an argument.  He should allow her to talk, vent, and say anything she needs to.  Jack should leave Sally feeling as if he understand her completely. 

They both should listen openly and without judgment.  They should listen with out agenda except to fully understand the other person.  When they do that and they are honest about their feelings and thoughts, more than likely the will have new openings for action to take toward their relationship specifically in this area of life.  They will gain a new found connectedness and relatedness toward each other and handle the situation different next time.

Everything that I mentioned here is totally hypothetical yet probably fits your life in some way.  I’m sure in some area you can apply what I’ve talked about here.  When you can see that, be honest about seeing that and then talk to your partner about those things, that’s when your relationship will grow exponentially. 

And that reminds me about Bobby’s new book that is out on Amazon Kindle.  He covers many aspects of dealing with and choosing a man.  One of the principles I’ve talked about here, specifically taking responsibility for yourself, is covered extensively and I think you would get a lot from it.  I’d like to you to get a copy for yourself and read it and tell me what you think either as an Amazon review or here on the blog.  The book is called @$$holes to Zipperheads – A to Z Guide For Choosing A Man and you can pick up on Amazon today.

As always,

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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The Journey For Choosing The Right Man

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DriverXSmallImagine you’re setting out on a journey. You are heading to Disney World for a week of fun and entertainment. You pack your things, lock the house, and get in the car. You start up the engine and look down the road.

In that moment you realize you don’t a have map, directions to get there from where you are, or a GPS to help you. You’re obviously not going to get there in the most efficient way possible.

Most people would say that is how we travel through the life of our romances and relationships. No guide or directions, we just wing it in hopes we’ll get to the destination we want.

I would like you to consider that it’s actually worse than that. Here is the scenario that I believe is more accurate. You’ve got a map, you’ve got a GPS and you’ve got directions to get to Disney World. And here’s what they look like.

Your grandparents handed down the map. They used it in the 1970’s when Disney World first opened and passed it down to your parents and then your parents to you. It’s all yours and you think it’s accurate and up to date. Why would your parents give you something that was incorrect? Right?

Your GPS was given to you from someone who had trouble with it and thought you could use it. To you it seems normal. It doesn’t look like anything is wrong with it. It’s just used.

The directions were given to you by your father, your previous boyfriends, and other male figures who you loved and had trust in to give you the right directions. You learned a few directions from each as you went along until you had what you thought as a full set.

What I’m suggesting here is that you’re driving toward a destination relationship with old, out dated equipment, that needs updating. In fact, the map or blueprint you’ve been using to guide you through the maze of relationships more than likely isn’t even half yours. You’ve acquired them from others along the way. Much of it is made up and you probably wouldn’t even get to where you were going.

As you read this book you will begin to see new openings in how you’ve picked men in the past, how it may have been on autopilot and how you can recreate your own map for relationship success right now. What’s even more powerful is you can now pass on an accurate map, directions and GPS to those you love.

Enjoy this journey and eye opening read.

Go check out Bobby McFadden’s newest release on Amazon Kindle.  It will be an eye opening experience.  Go get it.

@$$holes To Zipper Heads – The A to Z Guide For Choosing A Man!

I promise you won’t ever forget it.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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Can The Pec Pop of Love Save Your Relationship

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Can the “Pec Pop of Love” save your relationship through it’s subliminal message?

This message is for both women and men.  In fact this message is just as much for me as it is for you.  Watch an read and you’ll understand.

Watch this clip and we can discuss it when it’s over…

The clip you just watched is from Journey 2:  The Mysterious Island.  One of the main characters is played by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  He goes on a journey to bond with his step son.  It’s a nice family movie that is fun to watch.  But the key scene you just watched is funny and effective in it’s subliminal message.

You see, Dwayne’s character is dispensing some advice to his step son on how to land the hot girl who is stuck on the island with him.  The boy can’t stand it.

The truth is… there may be some truth to the “Pec Pop of Love” if you take it to another level of understanding.

First, it’s not so much the Pec Pop that’s going to do the trick but the physique, exercise, and commitment it takes to get in shape.

You’re probably wondering how all this comes together but let’s look at some of the benefits of being physically fit and exercising on a regular basis.

  • Exercise is known to reduce depression for both men and women.
  • Physically fit people tend to have a higher stamina in the bedroom.
  • Physically fit people tend to have higher confidence in themselves.
  • That confidence they now have comes across in everything they do and are sexy to the opposite sex.
  • exercise and depression

Those are some great side benefits if you ask me.  Confidence, feeling sexy, higher performance in the bedroom… you can’t ask for more than that for the side benefits of anything.  I don’t know one pill, even the “blue pill” that can do all that.

I’m going to add to the list above for what exercise can do for your relationship…

  • Working out together gives each of you more attention on each other.
  • Working out together allows you to have planned showers together.
  • Working out together gives you a reason to add post workout massages to your agenda.
  • Discover what makes each other relax after a hard workout.
  • Plan to have sex after your workout and while you’re already sweaty.
  • Increase the number of conversations you have on a weekly basis because you’re working out together.
  • Talk more often about important topics while you’re de-stressing at the same time.

As you can see, adding exercise routines together can not only improve your physique, stamina, and confidence, it can bring you and your partner closer together in ways you may have never seen before.  This exercise plan you start doing may open up new conversations.  You may grow confident in each other sexually and start exploring new things.  You may begin to see the benefits of conversation, exercise, and the overall benefits of being TOGETHER.

Now can you see how my thoughts of how the Pec Pop of Love can save your relationship?

I would love to hear your Pec Pop story.  Send us some of your hot, sweaty, workout stories.  I want all the gory details.  Has exercise improve your relationship?  Let us know.

Now, obviously you can see there was a physical aspect to this post and a conversational aspect.  If you’re at all interested in improving your relationship, go grab our new book that is out on Amazon Kindle.

Get it here:  Mancode Secrets Revealed:  Relationship Advice For Women

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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