Tag Archive for love advice

Attitude and Gratitude

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Last week I wrote about our ability to choose how we approach life and the problems it throws our way. In the event you haven’t read it, here is the link, Lights, Action, Drama!!!!!!!!!!! . Many readers did not agree with my assessment and challenged the idea of being able to make such choices. I was told that it is not always possible to view a situation and choose how to respond. A family member actually claimed it was not possible based on how the issue was presented and our past experiences. Their point was that we don’t have control with regard to how we approach and respond to crisis and everyday problems. The belief here is that it just is what it is and getting upset is a natural and uncontrollable part of the process.

I have to call “Bullshit!” here folks. If we feel that there is no ability to control and modify our responses based on how we feel and what our past experiences are, well just shoot me now and dump me into a pine box. Life has no chance to improve over where we stand today. Why should we try to improve anything? Are you kidding me! What a crock of crap! This view point simply tells me that these folks have no interest in changing for the better and we should all accept them for the emotional messes they are.

It’s fine with me if people don’t want to look into themselves and gain control and understanding about how they interact with those in their life, but don’t tell me it’s not possible. It can be difficult, it can be overwhelming, and it can be tedious, but it certainly is not impossible. So, if you don’t want to look inside and create a space for others to join in conversation about interesting and profound topics, fine! Just gain the understanding that YOU don’t want to bring your best to the dialogue. Let the rest of us open up and see what we can achieve via the approach and context.

Proof in the Pudding

All around me I see examples of people who choose to make the difference by selecting a path that allows them to remove preconception and barriers. I find it interesting for people with absolute reasons to complain and nothing to complain about. In fact, many times these same people not only are complaint free, they bring with them a joy that appears to be boundless.

For instance, a friend of mind named Wendy has a non-curable spinal condition. When I first met her, I was in love with her vibrant personality, out-going, good nature and her sense of humor. I truly look forward to each time I get to see her. She is never boring and always a great conversationalist. Her stories captivate me. She keeps me laughing from the time we meet until we depart. She smiles and the world smiles back. In my mind, it is impossible not to be attracted to such a beautiful spirit.

But look at it from another perspective. One day I thought to myself, this woman who delights everyone around her, has every reason to be angry and bitter. She could be mean to everyone she meets and we would allow her to do so because of her condition. People could easily agree that having such a physical burden rightfully allows her to have anger and distain. But here she is without a complaint and draws love to her like a moth to a flame. Her life force is bright enough to light a city block. I realized this is the choice she makes for herself and those around her. She can get away with the other behavior, but she chooses not.

Despite her physical limitations, my friend Wendy moves through life with all the grace and dignity anyone could ever ask for and she inspires me to be a better person. Wendy, if you’re reading this, YOU ROCK!

Another example is my partner here at RLA Advisors, Jay Simcic. At the time of this article we have been living through record setting high temperatures of more than 100 degrees. During this time, Jay lost his air conditioning for 8 days. With the Independence Day Holiday there was no means to get parts faster for the repairs and pending relief. Because of work and other responsibilities, Jay and his family were unable to leave the house for more comfortable surroundings. They were forced to endure the heat in a home without AC for each of the eight days. They had friends and family offer their homes, but again life did not allow for the relocation.

As the ordeal came to an end, Jay shared with me how grateful he was. I asked him to explain. He stated that he was grateful to have friends who were willing to offer their homes, He was grateful for neighbors who called to check in every day. He was grateful to have the money to pay for the repairs. His perspective was one I had not considered, but given all things he chose to take a positive view of the bounty he has been blessed with, rather than the misery he had endured. What a great choice! And imagine the impression this choice will have on his young daughter. The impact will be priceless.

And last, after a heated discussion with my girl friend, I was able to share a profound gratitude with her. As we settled into bed that night, I explained that I was grateful that we had such a discussion. She was puzzled, so I went on to say that I was grateful that we were working on our relationship and brave enough to have the talk. I was grateful that we were talking at all and face to face. When I served over seas in the military, I and many others were unable to have face-to-face conversations with their loved ones. I was grateful to have her, there with me in bed. I know people today who have lost their spouses, parents and children, who would give any price to have them back for one more conversation. Any conversation, an argument or otherwise. So in contrast, I am pleased to choose to be grateful.

You Make It Seem So Easy…

My friends often ask if it is as easy as my writing indicate. For this I apologize. To think that behavior modification is easy is understating it at best. However, this too is a choice. You see, I was quick to anger in my younger days and those choices many times lead to disaster. I found wasted effort in making poor relationship choices with those close friends and family who were simply caught in the cross fire of misguided emotions. Hurt feelings were more difficult to repair than to protect. Regaining my integrity after an emotional out burst was not always easy. So now I make different choices and so can you.

I love the feeling of appreciation when a good conversation takes the place of what could have been a bad one. I like getting the heart of the emotion rather than bearing the searing heat of it without real benefit. I love being able to finally HEAR those around me and I do it by choice. It is nothing simple or difficult it just is there for each of us to take advantage of. Choice is one of the greatest possibilities we have in life. So choose wisely my friends.

Is it easy? You choose…

 

As always,
Love with no shame and ask with no fear.
Bobby

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Relationship Boundaries

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Full Throttle or a Limiting Governor?

In previous posts I have encouraged my readers to get involved with their partners and discuss needs, wants and desires. Getting involved doesn’t always mean getting your way. In fact, there is no right or wrong in conversation, just that there is my side and your side, his side and her side, their side and our side. No right about it, just a point of view and, with luck, the reasons or feelings associated.

Having open conversation about sex and relationship boundaries will open up a world of exploration if done correctly. So how do we accomplish this? I’ll make a few suggestions.

First, share this article with your partner.

Second, ask how your partner feels about having a conversation of this type.

Don’t have the boundaries conversation at this time.

Third, schedule a time convenient for both of you.

Make it a date, something relaxing like drinks and dinner.

Fourth, remove all barriers to the discussion.

Have complete openness and acceptance.

Most important, don’t judge.

This is conversation not a boxing match.

It doesn’t hurt to talk. What hurts is the meaning we place on the words.

Fifth, have the conversation and see what opens up.

Get involved early in this discussion because finding out that you’re not compatible sexually is best done before the marriage, house, two cars and kids. However, if you are already at that place in life, use this discussion to gain control of each others expectations. Find out what works well and what’s lacking. You may be very surprised to find out what the other wishes to explore or has been keeping close to the vest.

If you haven’t read my previous articles regarding how to discuss and how to listen, this may be a good time to include them as well. These will also give you tools and guidance for an open dialogue. See the associated links.

Source:  The Language of Love

Source:  Listening Like A Lover

 Should Relationships Have Limits?

Absolutely and with out doubt! Emphatically, yes, and whether we acknowledge them or not our relationships have them either covertly or overtly. Talking about them just makes us aware and able to respect each others boundaries. Furthermore, by discussing them we may discover that limits we placed, for the respect of our partners, aren’t their restrictions at all.

Take for example, sexual positions. In my research and conversations with my partner, it is obvious that there are more positions and “styles” to sex than any one book could capture. In addition, I suggest that discussing ex’s is also okay when it comes to what we found pleasurable and what we did not. I get that it can be a jealousy issue, but we have to set that aside to get to the good stuff. If it felt good then and you’re in love with each other now, why not share, discuss and experiment?

Sexual positions are only one of the many topics couples can dive into. This one is easy, we don’t put too much into the emotional portion and the benefits can be wonderful. Talk it through; explore the good and the bad. If a subject is unearthed whereby one partner is less than interested, don’t shut down, talk it through. Why? Because, talking it through and completely understanding will lead to new subjects developing or opening up. Shutting down at the mention of something (oral, anal, toys…) will only stop the dialogue, not promote it. There is nothing wrong with being a little uncomfortable with the conversation. And it’s better than being uncomfortable when actually confronted in the bedroom.

Find out why a partner has discomfort about a topic. Is it a past experience, something he or she read, a story from a friend? What ever it is, talk it through and respect the conversation and the emotions in therein. Properly conveyed, the limitations will never be questioned or exceeded.

Until you have a complete grasp of the subject as well as each others likes, dislikes, desires and fears, the subject remains open and unanswered. Without completing that discussion, one or both partners will have questions remaining. Talk until you’re board, not until you’re uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable is part of the process. Keep it up and before long you’ll be experts.

 Expectations Verses Reality

Managing our expectation is the basis of relationship boundaries. When one partner has an expectation and the other partner is unaware, reality and expectation do not align. This is when feelings get hurt, we get disappointed and possibly become cynical with our partners. All of this can be avoided with conversation prior to getting upset.

Considering men are very simple creatures and we enjoy the benefits of pleasing our women, why do you think we would hold back when it comes to your desires. We simply don’t know. Share with us and we will share with you, but let’s not shut each other down when the conversation gets going.

Our minds are programmed to run all the time. And if we don’t have good data for them to work with, the mind fills in the blanks in order to have, what it thinks, is the completed thought process. Providing the limits and boundaries gives our minds clear understanding of what is expected and leaves no gaps to fill in for a false reality. We love to please and if we could, we would read your minds. The sad thing is, we can’t. Jay Simcic posted a good article on this subject a while back. You may want to add this to your reading assignments as well. See the link below.

Source: Men and Women Read Minds Poorly

So get in to the conversation and if you have any trouble, let me know. If you have success, let me know also. And if anyone is interested and wants a list of subjects recommended for the Relationship Boundaries Conversation, email me and I’ll see that we get that out to you and your significant dialogue partner. Intercourse doesn’t always have to be sexual, but it’s a great place to start!

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Are Men Intelligent?

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Who Are Men?

           The question has been asked for as many years as there have been men and women coexisting. We are driven to figure things out, find the meaning or just place meaning on things. This includes actions and behaviors. The funny part is that many times we, as men, don’t mean anything by what we do.

 Really?

            Then why do women get so upset by our lack of consideration for them or our poor behavior and habits? The easy answer is women don’t understand us. More to the point, women expect better from their man. Another reason, women tend to interpret our actions and behaviors into something other than we intend them. The women I speak to about this subject gravitate to a place where in they want men to behave like women. Not really like a woman, but think and care the way a woman does. See the problem?

            So, who are men? When is comes to relationships, we are providers, builders and breeders. Very basic, very easy and very clear, we are simple and don’t try to make us complicated. We hate that! When a woman tells a man that he is thinking complicated thoughts about the relationship, STOP!!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE NOT! Don’t make it into something that it’s not. We want to provide for our families, we want to build for them (house, education, transportation, recreation) and we want sex. It really is that simple. We can have big dreams and desires but basically we do what we do for these simple reasons.

 What We Do…

            Men tend to have a lack of focus on day to day things within a household the way women do. It doesn’t make us bad, it’s just is how we are. We don’t start the day off thinking about how we are going to piss off our women, but many times it seems that way. Take for instance, a man returns from a day at work, he walks into the house with dirt on his shoes and dirties up the freshly cleaned floors. None of us want for this type of situation to occur, but it happens and we, as men, know we do such things. It doesn’t mean we intended to do it, it doesn’t mean we love our women any less, it doesn’t mean we don’t value a clean home, It just means we didn’t think about it before we did it. And, getting upset about it won’t make it better for us or you.

            I get feedback from many women complaining that their men don’t tell them that they love them. Through follow up conversation it becomes clear the men actually do say “I love you”, but women want it in a manner consistent with their emotions. They want passion and romance brought into the phrase rather than a statement of ones dedication to the other. As men, when we say “I love you”, we mean it. It is the expectation of how the message is delivered that becomes the problem.

 What is Interpreted…

             Women have most of the power in any healthy relationship with a man. If you believe, as I do, that men are driven by the desire to provide, build and breed, then as women, you can guide and coach the entire relationship. But, if you choose to get angry when we do something the way us men do, well, then you give up your power and allow the relationship to be driven by our lack of understanding and we get hurt, disappointed and retreat into our shell.

             When we dirty the floor unknowingly, you can choose to yell or, you can calmly point it out and ask us to correct the problem. And guess what the better outcome will be. When he says “I love you”, you get to choose to accept it or argue the point. Consider we are simple creatures and telling us we are wrong will only reduce the effort we put forth. A more pleasurable conversation might be to thank him for the thought and suggest if he were to improve the manner in which he extolled his affections, perhaps he would be rewarded. In any case, women have the power in the relationship. Choose to coach or choose to give up the power by being angry. It is not the easiest habit to form and it takes practice, but the rewards are worth the effort.

             I personally have been told that I did not load the dishwasher correctly and that rinsing the dishes before putting them into the machine was not necessary. This went on for years; it caused actual fights between us. Do you think I wanted to continue to clean and load the dishwasher? Hell NO! And all I really wanted was a thank you. I eventually quit doing anything with the dishes and yet the power was all hers. She chose and was rewarded.

             So understand that we have very limited ideas and thoughts about our relationship with you ladies. We love you and want to do what’s right. By guiding us through our mistakes and coaching us with regard to our short comings, you maintain power and get far better results. Remember that we are simple in this aspect of life. Don’t make us into something that we aren’t and don’t view our errors as a personal affront to you. We mean you no offense and are very willing to be trained under the right circumstances and reward system.

 Give it a try and let me know what you experience. If it’s not working perfectly right now, what do you have to loose?

 And, as always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear.

 Bobby

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The Language of Love

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Warning: If you are easily offended by language, profanity or open discussion about sex, love and/or relationships, read no farther. This post is for those open minded people who wish to have a conversation about their personal lives in an effort to improve them and those who engage in the discussion with them. Again, if you are easily offended, STOP READING NOW!!!!!!!!

The Personalities of Conversation

As human beings it’s natural to interact and communicate with each other. We have conversations as groups both small and large. We share thoughts with acquaintances and intimate details of our lives with close friends and family.

 Our mission here at Relationship, Love & Sex Advice is to stimulate conversation and open a dialog for better and more thoughtful communication. We want everyone to jump in and share in the discussion. In some cases, this will be the only avenue for people to get an honest answer to a question, and that’s fine with us. Our staff and guest writers will never hide behind a politically correct veil. Instead, we will shoot you right between the eyes with the most candid response we can fire off.

 For me it is personal, in that, I have a love affair with the English language. I find it to be a thing of beauty and if used correctly will return positive results no matter what the discussion. As you read further, you may find this a bit odd given what I intend to cover here today. You see, language takes on different personalities depending on when and where used. Many disagree with me on this point and feel one should always be as proper as possible. I suggest otherwise.

 Consider when we attend church; our language is appropriate for the event. We wouldn’t be caught saying, “Damn nice sermon today, Father”, of course not! When going to a sporting event, we generally have looser vernacular than during our time at the office.  Golfing tends to bring out euphemisms that normally would be frowned upon in other areas of polite society. And when I served in the military, I was not politely asked to obey a command, I was told to move my ass and get it done! Different language personalities for different areas of life.

Here’s my issue

We see this within ourselves and we know that we change our lexicon to fit the place, time and environment. So why is difficult for us to discuss love, sex and relationships without feeling like our forth grade librarian just entered the room with a pocket full of detention slips? You know exactly what I mean. We tend say words like penis and vagina through a whisper so thin they could barely be heard in a sound proofed room. A different language personality for a different discussion, and be happy to engage in the conversation.

We need to proud of dialog and learn from each other, especially our lovers. Don’t whisper the words, find out what is acceptable, get comfortable using them and define boundaries. I’m not suggesting getting vulgar, but this is love and sex we are talking about. It’s messy, dirty and invigorating, accept it and get used to it. Talk about it and decide with your partner what is acceptable and what is off limits.

Is it okay for a man to text his partner, “I want to have my mouth on your pussy tonight”? I think so, but that’s me. And using the word vagina in this context is just a mood killer. Should she be comfortable texting back, “And I want some cock too”? Yes, if that’s what turns them on, but using the word penis should be criminal. They are just words and they fit perfectly in this private, intimate dialog.

The word “fuck” is used countless times in movies and books and nothing is thought of it. 50 Shades of Grey is now considered “Mommy Porn” and other than a few attempts to ban the book, it has been received with rave reviews. So why are we so afraid of the words when it comes to our personal sex lives? Answer: we are uncomfortable with the words and/or feel our partner is uncomfortable with them when we use them about us. And yet we will both read the books and watch the movies, how disappointing…

Let’s Get Filthy

So I invite each of you to share this post with your partners, discuss the feelings and thoughts surrounding the use of “dirty” words in your relationship and sexual encounters and clearly define the “Off Limits” boundaries. Getting turned on by conversation can and will come to an abrupt halt if an unwanted word is used. Be respectful of each others limits and best of all enjoy what happens as the conversation develops.

If you have never ended a session of sex out of breath, sweaty and soar, I feel sorry for you. Let’s take this opportunity to change all that. Getting filthy in the mud of love is as good as it gets. Let me know how things go and try not to injure each other.

 
As always,
Love with no shame and ask with no fear.
Bobby

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Not the Language of Love…

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Warning: If you are offended by language, profanity or open discussion about sex, love and/or relationships, read no farther. This article is possibly not for you. If you have ever tried to ban something, or participated in such a ban, stop reading now! This post is not for anyone who is intellectually bankrupt or has no capacity or will to advance a conversation either in public or private. Again, if you are easily offended, STOP READING NOW!!!!!!!!

 

Not the Language of Love…

With that said, let’s get to the heart of the matter. My post today was originally planned to open a conversation around sexual relationships and how we need not be frightened to use the language we have so graciously been provided. Instead, I must address not only this but, the growing ignorance regarding the restraint and now censorship of language itself.

 

I would like to thank Jay Simcic for his post from yesterday. I will not cover the post, you may via the provided link, and I suggest you do so. His point is timely and well taken.

Source: Fifty Shades Of Grey Banned

We have evolved to a societal apex of enlightened stupidity. Who the hell is in charge of anything in Brevard County, Florida? Way to go dumbasses! You attempted to ban 2 Live Crew. You got a federal judge to rule in favor of the lyrics being obscene. The album and the band were launched into stardom by your intolerance and ignorance. Then, to add insult to injury, the ruling was overturned by a federal appeals court. Free publicity for the band, tax dollars spent for no reason and all you got, to quote Bill Engvall, “Here’s you sign”.

I hope you didn’t rid yourselves of the first sign, because with the removal of the book “50 Shades of Grey” from your libraries, you may just need it. I don’t think there will be litigation, but look at the publicity your stupidity is providing both your county and the book. The book isn’t the issue as much as possibly the education system. Who teaches hate, intolerance, and ignorance on this scale? This must be the Ivy League of stupidity.

Where are we today when we engage one another? Do we intentionally hide behind some false moral code in order to hide our feelings and thoughts? In my opinion, yes.

If you don’t like a band, don’t buy or listen to their music. If you don’t like a book, don’t read it. If you don’t like a movie (The Last Temptation of Christ), don’t drive from your home, don’t withdraw the amount of money required for a ticket from your wallet, don’t buy the ticket and don’t watch the movie.

Radio stations, talk show hosts, television programs, music, movies, art, books, they are all either a form of expression or a medium of such. Banning any part or person destroys the public forum of communicating with each other.

I get that not everything is appropriate for all ages. I get that not everything is appropriate for all places. But to stifle the conversation without regard for anyone but a few mental midgets is counter productive on a universal scale.

Now, for the REAL Conversation

My point for today is the open discussion of sex and sexuality. I want to put the forum in perspective before I write another post so that WE (YOU, ME, US) can have a discussion. Nothing more than people sharing in an open conversation without fear, suppression or concern. That’s where I am today and I want you to join me.

Interested? I hope so. Everything we have, everything we do and everything we share is done through language. You are reading this now because of language. You speak to another because of language. We tell others that we love them because of language. We communicate everything, anything and nothing because of language. And above all, I refuse to allow it to be suppressed or killed off. Join me, PLEASE!

I will not promise to be acceptable. I will not promise to be politically correct. I will not promise to keep it safe for work. But I will promise to communicate and provide open dialog regarding sex, relationships and love as I know it.

Join me or screw off, I don’t care. But, if you’ve read this far, what are you thinking?

We are about to embark on a very interesting journey, a clearing house of conversation and ideas, sharing interests and desires. If you don’t have the stomach for it, so be it. But don’t be surprised when the secrets you keep become the poison that kills your relationship.

What is Taboo?

Sex is not taboo. Learning about sex in a healthy manner is not taboo. We used to teach it in school. Having sex is not taboo, but suppressing discussion based on fear and ignorance certainly should be.

In my up coming book all of this is discussed in detail and we reveal why we share and don’t share information about sex with each other or our children. The reasons are clear and well defined, yet we are afraid of what we don’t know. So let’s dig in and get with it and above all, have fun within the discussion.

Next week I will get back to the point I wanted to cover today. It is dirty, profane and possibly vulgar, but we are talking about sex. Let’s get dirty with it.

So be Forewarned: If Words Scare YOU, Avoid My Posts in the Future.

I will be challenging each of you to get involved in the conversation. Get your families involved, get your friends involved, get your lovers involved, but get involved.

Does the word vagina make you uncomfortable or excited? Does the word penis make you cringe with fear or bring you to erotic thought? There is your homework assignment for next week. If you can’t handle these words, you better hang on to your ass next week.

Until then, please leave me a comment. Love it, hate it, but talk about it. Invite me into your would and I will share mine, but don’t back off now we are only getting started.

Love with no shame and ask with no fear.

Bobby

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