Tag Archive for how to save your marriage

The Dumbest Thing I’ve Ever Heard!

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Have you ever heard someone say, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard”? Of course you have. And not only have you heard it said, it is more than likely that you have said it as well. And at the time it may have been appropriate, but I want to challenge the thought behind the message.

We have a very interesting listening mechanism built into us human beings. From an early age we are programed to hear things in ways that fit into our reality. In other words, if it doesn’t make sense to us, we sometimes belittle it or change it into something else. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard” is just a saying to get us into the normality that we feel comfortable with. Moreover, rather than clear up what was just said or have an open dialogue, we cut off all further conversation.

In his latest book Mancode Secrets Revealed, Jay Simcic covers this in great detail. If you haven’t read it yet, I suggest you pick it up at Amazon.com through the Kindle Store. It’s worth the read.

It explains that we seem to filter everything we hear through what we already know. By doing so, it is very limiting in how and what we learn. And just imagine what it means to our relationships…

Did You Hear That?

Since being in a relationship is emotional, we have our antenna up in order to catch the deeper meaning of the communications within them. Additionally, in a relationship we filter what we hear by how previous relationships have played out over time. We will hear something and reference how it was delivered before and convert the message directly to the “good” or “bad” of the prior situation. But the messages, although worded similarly could be miles apart from each other.

For instance, Ray and his former girlfriend Sarah had an argument that led to the ending of their relationship. Ray had gone out for the evening with some of his college buddies. They watched football and drank beer. One of the guys named Gary met a girl and went home with her. This particular guy was dating Sarah’s best friend. Some how, Sarah discovered Gary’s infidelity and shared it with her girlfriend. This of course, ended that relationship.

When Sarah confronted Ray about the incident, she demanded to know why did nothing to prevent Gary from going home with the other woman. Ray said he was helpless to prevent it and didn’t even know Gary had left with a woman until after he was gone. Sarah was angry hurt about what happened to her girlfriend and was taking it out on Ray. Over and over she would say, “You’re just like him” and “All men are the same”. Ray was not able to convince Sarah of his innocence and the relationship ended soon after.

From that point on, Ray was hyper sensitive to those two phrases, “You’re just like him” and “All men are the same”. When they were originally said by Sarah, the delivery was hostile, through yelling and a heated argument. And yet they never left Ray’s memory.

In his new relationship Ray’s girlfriend would often joke that “All men are the same”. And at first Ray was defensive about the statement. When he realized she was saying it in jest, Ray understood but didn’t like her use of the phrase. It was harmless but the memory was still rather painful. He always had to caution himself when his new girlfriend would use similar phrases in joking.

The Wrong Word in the Right Ear…

From time to time a phrase or saying may incite feelings that are not common with the statement. At these times it is important to dig into where the feeling come from and when they originated. Getting to the bottom of it will help with the feelings of today.

Remember, we listen through our programming filters and try to make the statements of today fit into what we know of days gone by. Try to work through what’s there and don’t be afraid to ask a question in order to have the statement put another way that will assist in getting past it.

There may not be any reason to get upset with the way someone said a particular phrase. Put one way and it may be the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard, re-worded and it may open up something to be explored.

Give it a try and let me know how it works out and if anything opens up for you.

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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How To Save Your Marriage-Advice From A Fisherman

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save your marriage

The following story was told to me by one of the coaches I had in the past.  It came from an interview done with an out of the ordinary fisherman who had great success.

It stuck with me over the years.

It’s profound advice that you can use to improve your relationship, enhance your sex life, or even save your marriage.  You might be skeptical but just believe me long enough to read this story.

Here’s the story…

Captain John Rade, was a legendary fisherman in the New York area.  He was known for out fishing every fisherman in his community.

He is a commercial fisherman.  Which means he can sell his fish when he gets back to shore.  While other commercial fisherman use big nets to bring in their daily catches, Captain John uses nothing but old faithful rod and reel.

He doesn’t use the tools the other fisherman use.  No nets… no giant trolling mechanisms… no large crews of fisherman to help him.

He just goes out in his small boat with his rod and reel and out catches every other fisherman by many multiples of fish.

On any given day, fishing on the same body of water, Captain John would routinely pull in more striped bass than ten of his commercial fishing competitors combined.

How does he do this so consistently.

When he was asked by a local news reporter, he said something so simple but profound.

John said, “When most fisherman go out on the water they think like a fisherman.  When I go out I think like a fish.”

You’re probably wondering what any of this has to do with saving your marriage or your relationship.

The truth is, it has everything to do with it.

Instead of thinking about how you’re going to get what you want, put yourself in your partner’s shoes and think about what they want.

Ask your self these types of questions…

  • How does my partner see me when I act this way?
  • What is my partner thinking when I say what I say?
  • What kind of emotions is my partner feeling in this situation?
  • What would I do in this situation if my partner said or did those things to me?

If you start putting yourself in their shoes you may begin to get a different perspective of how you can approach your relationship.

For instance…

If your husband comes home late from work and you begin accusing him of cheating on you, what do you think he’s thinking in that moment if your accusations are false?

What do you think it would do to the trust between the two of you if you begin talking down about his friends or family?

What do you think he’s feeling if you yell at him for not taking out the trash when you never gave him a timeline to work from?

Do you think it improves your relationship or hurts your relationship if you withhold sex because you’re secretly mad at him and want to punish him?

These may fit, maybe they don’t… either way you have things that go on in your household that if you were to take an introspective look from your partner’s point of view may change everything.

Most people rarely stop to think about the impact they have on other people.  Even the small stuff that you think is insignificant can be devastating if you aren’t communicating effectively.

That’s why it’s so important to think like a fish, so to speak.  One of the fastest ways to do that is to have regular, honest, conversations with your partner about the important things.  Don’t hold anything back from each other.  Don’t judge either.  Listen, put yourself in their shoes, and look for new ways you can be with each other.

It will make all the difference in the world.

Now I invite you to accelerate the success of your relationship, visit Amazon.com and grab a copy of our new book Mancode Secrets Revealed.  It’s a great read that will open your eyes to a man’s perspective.  Read this book and you will begin thinking like a fish and not a fisherman.

Get it here:  http://www.amazon.com/Mancode-Secrets-Revealed-Relationship-ebook/dp/B008VWYR08/

Also, there is a wonderful bonus at the end of the book that will open up both you and your partner’s minds around sex.  After this you might have the best sex of your life.  Go get it and leave a comment on Amazon to tell us what you think.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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How To Save Your Marriage With A Cup Of Coffee

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save your relationship with coffeeA friend of mine told me a story.  It’s an amazing example of how we approach life and our relationships.  It serves as a lesson in how we can improve the world around us and impact our relationships in positive ways.

Listen to this story and identify where in you’re relationship or life you can apply this short lesson.

Here’s the story…

I have a friend names Harlan.  And back in the days when he was serving as a Rabbi he did a great deal of counseling.  One day some friends of his reported that a couple they knew were heading toward divorce.  No one was able to talk to the husband.  He shut down.

The husband was determined that his relationships was over.

When the Rabbi called him on the phone, he asked the husband to come over.  He immediately said, “Rabbi, if this is about the divorce. Forget it.”

The Rabbi told him that he was inviting him over for coffee. If he didn’t want to talk about the divorce, that was his decision and he’d respect that.

When he came for coffee the Rabbi began talking to him about the coffee he was serving.

“This coffee is Kona coffee from Hawaii. It’s one of the most expensive coffees on the market.  It’s taste is out of this world.

But if you go into a supermarket and pick up a jar of coffee, it sure doesn’t taste like this. In fact, instant coffee barely tastes anything close to this.  Instant should hardly be called coffee.

Even the coffee in the can doesn’t taste anything like this.”

The Rabbi’s guest interrupted, “Rabbi, this is the best coffee I ever had! How did you make it?”

He answered: “First, as soon as I get the beans, they go into a freezer in an airtight container. I measure out the exact portion I need and then grind them fresh right before brewing them. The sound you heard when you entered was me grinding the coffee.

Then I pour the coffee into a non-bleached filter and wait for the coffee to drip through. The coffee is so good, most people prefer to drink it black without adding cream or sugar.”

The Rabbi’s friend said, “Who would have thought so much effort went in to making a good cup of coffee?”

The Rabbi said to him, “Anything that’s worth it takes an investment in time and effort. Instant is never worth it.”

He smiled at the Rabbi from across the table.

In a few days the Rabbi heard the man had proposed counseling to his wife.  He told her: “Anything that’s worth it takes an investment in time and effort.”

Now the story is true but let’s look at the core elements.

Most people want instant solutions or they give up (leaving the marriage).

Discover the merits, details, etc. of the more detailed approach in your relationship for a premium experience. (Making really good coffee.)  Realize now that instant solutions don’t work.

Your relationship is worth investing in… If that involves coming to one of our seminars, reading books, or having hard conversations with your partner then go do it.

This isn’t rocket science.  Our relationships are worth living for.  They are worth putting our butts on the line for.  They are the life inside of our lives.

The ball is in your court.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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How To Overcome Communication Problems In Relationships

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If you want to even begin thinking of saving a relationship the first place you should start is on your communication with your partner. If you’re not communicating that’s not a good thing. Here are a few tips for you to try to overcome your communcation problems in relationships and start saving your relationship

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