Tag Archive for how to please your man

The Power of Voting

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Today the people of the United States will decide on a president for the next four years. They could choose to re-elect President Barack Obama, or make a change by electing Governor Mitt Romney. In either case, people fight for the chance to vote in a presidential election. Many say it is our constitutional right to vote, however there is no such mention in the US constitution. My point is that free people all over the world fight for the ability to choose their leaders.

Wars have been started in order to secure free elections and voting. During the first free elections Iraq and Afghanistan, people waiting in lines to vote were shoot and killed but the citizens continued, undaunted to file into voting precincts. The phenomenon is incredible. I commend any and all who take the opportunity to vote. More importantly, I commend and thank those who risk life and limb to defend our ability to do so.

As free people, our most precious human characteristic is our power to choose. And yet, at times, I want to scream for people to exercise that ability. I ask, if we are willing to fight to take part in a presidential election, why are we not willing to make better choices in our relationships? Better yet, why do so many people make no choice at all? Just like in an election, we have choices every day with regard to our relationships and behaviors. We choose to engage positively or negatively. We can show compassion or disregard another's feelings. In any case it all comes down to choice.

If we fight for an election why not fight for the other? Don't get me wrong, I understand the gravity of electing a US president, but I'm asking why we take little or no interest in choosing to have better and more fulfilling relationships? We have the ability but giving up the power to choose the proper path can have horrible results. And making a positive choice takes far less time than becoming educated about the candidates and then waiting in line to vote.

I can only suppose the reason we don't invest ourselves in willingly making powerful relationship choices is that we either don't care or we don't know the signs of when we need to stop, think and choose. Not knowing is a common problem. Many readers say they don't have control over certain aspects of their lives. I offer that they do, but don't see the issues plainly, without emotion. not having the proper view can prevent the necessary actions for relationship success.

In our up coming book titled The Meaning Making Machine we cover this and more. This book is another useful tool to assist you and your loved ones with finding relationship happiness. The book will be released on Kindle through Amazon.com and I highly recommend it for you and those you care about. It will provide the ground work for your relationships to find common ground in order stop, thin and choose the correct path fro positive growth. Look for it soon both here on our site and at Amazon.com. Choose a better way and find happiness while in the process. Vote for the benefit of your relationship…

Now get out and vote. Until next time…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Relationship Breakthrough Challenge-Part 4

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Male and female sign entangled XSmallThis is the final post in the Relationship Breakthrough Challenge.  We are about to uncover the truth and uncover your choice of destiny.  However if you would like to read the previous three posts you can by clicking the link below…

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge – Part 1

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge – Part 2

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge – Part 3

Now let’s dig in.

Before you go to work on your man, try to fix him, or try to fix your relationship you need to find out what TRUTH is.

What do you think truth is?

Most people think truth is something verifiable.  Some people think their beliefs are “the truth”.  Others think feelings are truth.

None of those are “the truth”.  In fact, the truth is made up by what ever you say.

What?  I can see your eyeballs bulging trying to figure out if I’m insane.

Consider that what you think is truth is just a series of beliefs, meanings, and things that were completely made up.

I’ll use an extreme example.  It was the truth many years ago that women stayed home and didn’t work.  That was a belief that was held for a long time.  It was held as TRUTH.

Until it changed.

Everything in our world is built on what we believe to be true and not true.  Until it’s proven otherwise.

So I challenge your beliefs of what you think are true.  But I’ll get into that more in just a minute.

Why do you react the way you do?

Who’s driving your bus?  Who makes decisions for you.  It’s certainly not the you that you think.  It’s actually all the past experiences you’ve used to create your model of the world.  Your decisions and your experiences all shape who you are today.  You react to things because something happened in the past that gave you some “truth” about how to act.

I’ve used examples like this before… if you were dating someone and they cheated you form an opinion about that situation. Your brain starts to “see” patterns that might give you an indication that your man is cheating.  You do it without knowing you do it.  And here’s the kicker, it’s happened so many times you believe what you’re interpreting as the truth.  You see him talking to another woman and you immediately believe he is cheating.

That is your past experience being used to create a belief that you have as true.

As you can see, it’s the past that’s causing you to react the way you do.

In order to get to the TRUTH you first have to be ok that how you react may not be TRUE.  Some people find it hard to give up being right long enough that their model of the world may not be the TRUTH.  It’s like when people said the earth was flat.  It’s hard to give it up until you challenge it.

I’m asking you to challenge it.  Because when you do, you’ll find that you begin to gain power over being at the affect of life and truly gain a level of choice in your life.

What is choice, really?

One of the definitions of “Choice” by Merriam-Webster is the act of choosing and having a variety to choose from.

Consider that you’ve been living your life without choice.  Because you’ve been reacting to things that happen given by your past and what you think is true, you haven’t been choosing anything.

It’s just been an illusion.  In fact it’s your past that has been driving everything you do and you’ve never truly chosen anything.

So how do you choose?  When an event happens you have to stop, before you react, and ask yourself why am I about to react this way.  Think back to the earliest time you can remember that may have caused you to be that way.  That past experience is what is causing you to react at a subconscious level.  If you accept that and acknowledge that it no longer has to be that way, new openings for action arise.

You gain choice.

You see, it’s the choices and decisions you make that guide you down paths in life.  It’s the meaning you give the results that shapes how you see the world.  It’s how you see the world that gives you your actions.

Choice ultimately shapes your life.

How does choice shape your life?

Your actions are always congruent with how you see the world.

For instance, if you think your man is cheating (that’s how you see things) then you will act in accordance with that.  All your actions will be given by your suspicion that he is cheating.  And if that’s the case then you are shaping your life in that way.

If you can separate yourself from the meaning you’ve automatically given things and reassign a meaning you would be better suited to live with it’s possible to shape your life into anything that you want.  And that zooms into your relationship as well.

If you are having relationship troubles then look to YOU first and ask yourself some questions…

Why do I react that way?

What meaning did I give that?

What do I make it mean about me?

What can I change the meaning into that would allow me to have new openings for action?

You’ll notice that everything begins to shift in your life and your relationship.  Try it on.  See how it works and let me know what your results are.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this short series and I’m sure if you’ve applied some of these strategies you will have already had a breakthrough in your relationship.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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Relationship Breakthrough Challenge-Part 3

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RelationshipBreakthroughSmallIf you missed the first two parts of the Relationship Breakthrough you can check them out here…

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge-Part 1

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge-Part 2

I would recommend you read those first two posts first to get the greatest impact of today’s lesson.  But either way you will GET value.

In this part of the Relationship Breakthrough you’re going to get an idea of why you may see your relationship as not working, what causes you to feel the way you do, and how to take your relationship to a new level.

Get ready to unlock the blueprint of your relationships.

When you look at your relationships and how they’re working for you it stands to reason the first thing that needs to be done is look at where your relationships come from.  Why does it seem you get into the same type of relationships over and over again?  Why does it seem like you end up with the wrong man over and over again?

So first, ask yourself…

How have YOU made your relationships be the way they are?

You’re probably saying… What!?  How have “I” made my relationships this way?

That’s right… It’s time to take responsibility.  If you recall from part 2 of this series the focus was gaining your power back by being responsible for the way things are.  It’s time to do that RIGHT NOW.

You’ve made your relationships the way they are by finding the person you’re with as a result of the story you’ve told yourself over the years about YOU and others.

For instance, if you think “I’m not good enough.”  You may find yourself looking for partners who are less than you.  Not like value you but like they need something from you to be right.  That way you feel a little better, like you have everything figured out.

I’m not saying you do this consciously.  I’m saying that based on the story “I’m not good enough” that you’ve built up at an unconscious level you do things to find people who fit that mold.

Now lets add to that a story you have that says, “I’ll never find the right partner, I’ll have to change them.”

You may find yourself looking for partners who are sub par.  People who NEED YOUR HELP.  That’s also congruent with how you see yourself.  If you’re not good enough and you find someone who needs your help, WOW you might feel loved and appreciated for once.

I’m here to tell you, none of it’s true.

What is your story, exactly?

Your story consist of your experiences, feelings, and memories in life.  In essence, it’s your past.  AND it’s what you have made the past MEAN to you.

Let me give you an example…

Henrietta grew up with an abusive father.  He verbally abused and sometimes smacked her around.  Her first experience of a man was her father.  At that age she decided she never wanted to be with a man who was like that.  She drew conclusions of what he looked like, how he talked, the tone he used, and how he acted around women.  This happen when she was a child and stayed with her forever.  A few more instances of this type of abuse occurred as she grew up that solidified those thoughts.

Now, she won’t be with a man who looks, acts or uses the tones like her father and those other men.  Now she is with men who are weak and are submissive to her because she wants to be in control.  She doesn’t want to be treated like that again so she compensates.  But she does it at an unconscious level.  It’s the young girl that’s driving the bus, not the grown adult.  She has no idea why she’s picking these men.

There could be more too it.

When she was a girl she figured she wasn’t doing things right, she wasn’t good enough, because her dad treated her that way.  That thought has stuck with her.  She feels like she’s not good enough and compensates with the men she’s with in one way or another.  So, not only does she not find the RIGHT man for her, she also treats them differently because the story is running her life.

She hates her relationships because they don’t go the way she thinks they should go.  But they ARE going the way she has created them to be – from her past.

You’ll probably say, “She didn’t cause her father to do the things he did.  She didn’t cause the men she was with to be submissive.”

No but she made the meaning and she went looking and accepted the relationships of the submissive men.

So why doesn’t she have the relationships she wants?

It’s because our lives are like a thermostat.  We set it to 76 degrees.  If the temperature is 80 degrees then the air kicks on and it cools the house till it gets to the set temperature.  And vice versa.

If you have a vision of how your relationship should look but your story has run it a different way, you’re not happy because your thermostat is off.

You strive for your relationship to be a perfect 76 degrees but your story guides you down a different path.  (You’re A/C unit is broke.)

If you keep doing the same thing and you never interrupt your story you’ll continue to get more of what you’ve always gotten.

That’s why it’s so important to take responsibility for everything you’ve created in your relationship and your life.

So why don’t you change things, knowing that you want your relationships to go a certain way?

It’s because we take actions congruent with how our relationships occur to us.

For instance, if in your relationship you view your partner as broken, needing to be fixed, weak, or anything of the sort – you will act accordingly.  You will treat your man that way.  At the same time if you “aren’t good enough” you will treat yourself in your relationship as if you aren’t good enough. (You stay with someone who is not the right fit only because you think it’s the right thing to do—again story.)

Your story may be telling you – My partner needs fixing and in order to make me feel like I’m good enough I’m going to stick it out and try and fix him.

You act in accordance with how you see yourself and how you see your partner.  Combine those two things and you have the reason why you do the things you do in your relationship.

And it all stems back to getting responsible about yourself, your past, and the people you’re with in a relationship.

So that begs the question…

Can you change your story, the meaning you’ve given things?

Yes!  Yes!

You can’t change the events but you certainly can understand why YOU created what they mean and you get to create new meaning or leave it be.

For instance, Henrietta can’t change what her father did and what the other men in her life did but she can be honest and understand what she made those things mean.  She can be responsible that SHE created the meaning as a little girl and she no longer has to live her life that way.  She can now be responsible for her actions.

She can now choose to stay with the man she’s with – all issues and everything – or she can choose to move on.

There are only a couple of ways Henrietta can get through this.

She may realize that she was compensating for her stories about how she sees herself and how she sees her partner, realize her partner is not the RIGHT person for her and go find someone knew.

Or

She could realize all those things and stay with her partner if she TRULY believes this person is right for her.

Now that she realizes those things about herself and her story she can be aware of her actions, change the way her relationships occur and how she occurs to herself.  That by itself will change the actions she takes in her relationships.

It all boils down to taking responsibility for yourself.  It’s just being done in a way you may have not seen before.

How do you change the meaning something?

This might be easy to grasp and allow me to explain it.  Have you ever reacted to something negatively or in a flammable way.  Ask yourself, why did you react that way.  It will more than likely take you to a belief you have about something.

Now be honest and ask yourself why you have that belief.  You may find that you don’t know why, you may know why, but either way that belief has a certain meaning for you.  And if someone drives in the opposite direction of the way you THINK it should be, you react.  And you do it at an unconscious level.

Now, if you can be responsible for the fact that you MADE the meaning up or transferred that meaning from someone else, like a parent, you can see how changing the meaning is a matter of accepting responsibility for it and choosing to change it.

You can change it or allow it to be neutral.  It’s your life, your belief, use the event and the beliefs how you want.  But don’t let them use you.  Don’t be at the affect of life.

Be responsible.

How do you take that and move your relationship to the next level?

Now you can live your life productively with your partner.  You can powerfully choose to stay or leave based on what you uncovered about yourself and how you view your relationships.

Once you understand and can utilize this you will either take your current relationship to a new level or you will create a new relationship. But ultimately you are FREE to choose that for yourself.

You are not locked in.

And remember you can NOT change your partner.  You have to do the work first.

I remember a time when my wife asked me to take the trash out.  It took me 3 hours because I didn’t do it right away.  She got pissed.  She had expectations that I was going to do it right when she asked, but she didn’t communicate it.  Also, she got inflamed because she ended up taking the trash out and figured it was my job to do that.

After we talked about it we both realized that she got pissed, not at me but at what her belief was about what I should have done.  I realized that when she made a request it was in the moment.  Now we communicate a whole lot clearer.

Now go practice.  Take some time by yourself and follow these steps.

  1. Pick one area about yourself that you would like to investigate.
  2. Ask yourself why you are that way. Be honest and think back to the earliest memory you have that would make you the way you’re being or seeing yourself.
  3. Write it down like this… Write down what happen and then write down what you made it mean.  And be honest.
  4. Now that you have identified that, write down ways that meaning has filtered your view of yourself or others around you.

If you do this and you’re honest with yourself, you may find that you’ve been letting a meaning that happened long ago has been driving your bus.  You just didn’t know it.

In the next post of this series I’m going to show you why you find yourself not taking action when it comes to confronting your partner or people in other relationships.  You’ll see clearly how to overcome what it is that stops you.  Stay tuned…

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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The Politics of Sex

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I really don’t know how to begin today’s article because I am shocked every time this subject comes up. And it comes up often in my candid conversations. So, let’s just put it out there; people in close, intimate relationships are afraid to have good, satisfying sex! There, I said it! Now, I may be over generalizing, but I am certain that this is fact, not opinion. Yes, folks are having sex. Yes they are getting the job done. But, there is this other level that my readers, and friends tell me about that drives me insane!

Let me share a story with you in order to set the stage for the conversation. This is a recap of a recent discussion with a female friend:

Rita: I know you spend a lot of time writing and coaching people about their relationships. Can I ask you a few questions?

Me: Sure

Rita: Things are okay in my relationship with my boyfriend, but he won’t talk to me. I try to get him to but he doesn’t really say anything. What should I do?

Me: When you say he doesn’t talk, what does that mean? Is he quite, avoiding? Does he ignore you?

Rita: Oh, we talk but when I ask him a question he says he will think about it and let me know in the next day or so.

Me: What kind of questions make him take so much time to answer?

Rita: You know, all the usual stuff. Do you love me? Am I the only one for you? Do I please you in bed? Nothing out of the norm.

Me: Well, what’s there for you when you ask him?

Rita: What do you mean, what’s there for me?

Me: I mean, you’re asking interesting questions, but why those questions? What’s there for you? Do you love him? Is he the only one for you? Does he please you in the bedroom?

Rita: Oh, I see what you mean now. I am asking because I have those concerns about me. Is that it?

Me: I don’t know but let’s take a look. Can you answer the questions?

Rita: I think I love him, yes. I feel that he is good for me. And we have a reasonable sex life.

Me: I hear you trailing off through the answers. Is there something there about the sex?

Rita: No, we have a good sex life and it happens often enough. Nothing crazy, but good.

Me: What’s missing that’s not there now?

Rita: Well, I like things a little “freakier” if you know what I mean. He is just very “vanilla” about sex. But it’s fine, we are really good together. It’s not a problem.

Me: How does it go when the two of you talk about spicing up the sex life?

Rita: Oh! I couldn’t talk to him about that! I mean not SEX!

And that’s when the “You’ve got to be shitting me” warning bell went off in my head! Further discussion revealed that Rita was very interested in a more exciting sex life. And not only was she unwilling to talk to her boyfriend about it, she could not imagine herself doing those things with him! She said that she was thinking of cheating in order to get this part of her life fulfilled. Here she was blaming him for lack of discussion and she was holding back BIG things. She was asking him if they were committed to each other and she wasn’t. She was asking if the sex life was good, knowing she was unhappy and unfulfilled. And the saddest part of it all was that she would not entertain the possibility of a discussion. No way, it wasn’t going to happen. End of story.

We Fool Ourselves

In Rita’s case, she was looking to her boyfriend to fix what she wanted without telling him. She was blaming him for her lack of sexual fulfillment. She knew that there was a deep desire within her to have a wilder sexual relationship, but couldn’t picture it with him. WHY?

Why, when we have perfect partners in every other regard, are we willing to settle for something less in our sex lives? The real answer here is fear. We are afraid to have open discussions about sex, even when it’s with our sex partners. But we are also fooling ourselves into thinking that our partner would never be willing to have such a conversation.

I asked Rita if she would consider the possibility of the discussion and she flatly said “No”. She was cutting of any chance of getting what she really wanted with her boyfriend and resigned herself to cheating or being unfulfilled. It stuns me every time I hear it. And I hear it a lot.

Quit Fooling Yourself!

Just think of the possibilities within Rita’s relationship if she were to open the dialogue of having better sex with her partner. Does anyone truly feel that her man would not want to discuss it or just listen. HELL NO! He’s a man for the love of all that is holy! We love sex.

When my girlfriend says she wants to try something new in the bedroom, I become singularly focused with such an intensity that I feel like a sexual super hero. I want to know every detail of what she’s thinking and talk it through. We greatly enjoy the conversational fore play of new ideas and thoughts. The difference is that we have adjusted our dialogue to include sex, fantasies, and new ideas. We have consciously made the choice to offer up any ideas that come to mind and explore the possibility of adding them to our sex lives.

So, I suggest that if Rita, and others like her, should give this a try. Get to the place in your relationship where anything goes within the conversation. It’s only words and they don’t hurt. Don’t make the discussion anything other than what it is, an opportunity to talk about sex with your partner.

Make it beautiful, make it sexy, make it dirty, but just do it!

How to Make it Happen

So where do we start? Great question…

Without reinventing the wheel I will offer up some ways to jump into the conversation with relative ease and safety. Here at RLA we have been building a base of materials for our readers to pull from and I went back through the last few months to find help. Jay Simcic wrote a great piece about our inabilities to read minds. I think this is a good starting point for couples. Read the article and begin the discussion. Here is the one I am recommending: Men and Women Read Minds Poorly .

Then Jay hit another home run with What Does it Take to Turn a Guy On? . This has some silliness in it, but the last part really brings home the point.

Then a few of my offerings to assist with furthering the conversation. These include The Language of Love , Listening Like a Lover and Relationship Boundaries . I recommend that people share these with their partners and find out where they are in the relationship. I feel that you may get a big surprise. At the very least some hot conversation.

Let’s all stop fooling ourselves into thinking we are different and that our partners don’t have the same or similar desires. We are human beings and sex is part of what we do for reproduction and pleasure. Why not enjoy it to the fullest? I find that I don’t get everything every time I engage my girlfriend in conversation, but I get way more than if I just wished about it. Stop wishing and start sharing. I dare you…

Let me know how it goes or if we can help. And don’t hesitate to send me a follow up question.

Until next time…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Toys, Toys, Toys…

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Warning: If you are easily offended by language, profanity or open discussion about sex, love and/or relationships, read no farther. This post is for those open minded people who wish to have a conversation about their personal lives in an effort to improve them and those who engage in the discussion with them. Again, if you are easily offended, STOP READING NOW!!!!!!!!

I get asked on a regular basis how my readers feel about the use of sex toys. You would think that this question comes from only men or only women. The reality is that both men and women ask the question and I finally thought it needed to be addressed.

It is interesting how many people are interested in the use of marital aids and if other people use them. With the internet, adult novelty stores, and adult in home parties I would have thought that the information would be out there and everywhere to find. And it is. But what people want to know has nothing to do with themselves as much as it has to do with the how they fit in with everybody else.

You see, there have been marital aides, sex toys, novelty devices, what ever you want to call them, for decades. Magazines made it easier to order them rather than having to personally visit the seedy adult “book store”. They were delivered in a “non-descript” package that screamed “Hello! Vibrator inside”. The mail carriers knew everyone on their routes that had personal items delivered. Don’t forget the flood of not so non-descript mailings that followed. I ordered them, I went to the adult book stores (and I still do) and so did any other neighbor who wished to enhance their sex lives via these interesting little battery operated devices.

Now we have the internet which turns our computers into the largest adult novelty stores known to man. We can search things from the mild to the wild. I share the web sites I use with with my family and friends. We discuss not only the items themselves, but how to order, is the company reliable, how long does it take to arrive and what is the cost. Everything you can think of is available, toys for straight sex, gay sex, lesbian sex, bondage, discipline, pain, electricity, water torture, cages, sex furniture (one of my personal favorites) truly anything at all. Pick a subject and just run a Google search. Anything you want to buy or know about is there, except for the one thing we all want to know.

Why Do People Ask Me?

Great question. If it’s all out there to find, browse, learn about and purchase, why is it people want to talk to me about sex toys. I figure it comes down to the truth. I have no problem sharing what I know personally and what I have learned from research and my readers. If it helps anyone to improve their sex lives, I’m all in for the conversation. They ask and I answer. It’s not always comfortable for everyone but they get the answers and in many cases I get new information from them as well.

We have a few very close friends who we will show our new toys to and in turn they do the same for us. It is interesting when you remove the embarrassment from the conversation how interesting it becomes. We love to learn from each other and relive the excitement from a previous nights sexual adventure. Many times I have been shown our friends new items and immediately went out to purchase the same for us. But I would have never known if we were not open to the conversation in the first place. We laugh, drink and talk and have a great time.

I have a close friend who manages an adult store in the south of our state. When I get a chance to visit the first thing I ask is what’s new in the market. She goes from “happy to see you” to “the doctor is IN”. She covers each new item with the expression and delivery of a doctor explaining a new pharmaceutical. No embarrassment, just factual conversation, she’s great and I value her opinion. I never ask her about her other customers I just want the facts and to find out if I’m missing anything I should be aware of. If you ever visit such a store, I recommend the first thing to do is befriend the clerk or manager. They know everything you need to know and will share if you are friendly and interested. So, we still haven’t gotten to the bottom of what we all want to know about the subject of toys…

What We All Want to Know is…

Without fail, each and every person who asks me about toys, my research and my readers wants to know one thing, where do they fit in to the big equation? We want to know if we are weird or strange. Do men like a certain thing? Do women try this at home alone or with their partner? Do men allow toys at home or are they afraid? How do I get my wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend interested? Should I say something or just go buy the damn thing? Who else likes this particular thing?

Am I weird or do I fit in?

If we were to stop and think about it without fear of reprisal, it is obvious that human beings have been engaging in sexual reproduction since the dawn of time, hence reproducing. Since it is such a pleasurable activity, we do it often and attempt to improve upon what we already know. Records indicate that sexual proclivities have been around since recorded history. Now that we have the internet to propagate the spread of new ideas, we think we have found something new that might be seen as a little off key to others in our social networks. Not a chance. I rarely get shocked by anything and this is no different. People have been taking pleasure from each other since the beginning, why stop now?

Do you fit in to what everybody else is doing? Who cares? If it feels good, doesn’t break any laws and is between consenting adult, go for it. If it doesn’t work for you, fine. Just rest assured that you’re no different than any of the others out there asking the same question. Embrace it, get comfortable and enjoy.

And if you have a question, think you can shock me, or just want to chat send me a message. Just don’t be offended by the open and honest dialogue.

As always,
Love with no shame and ask with no fear.
Bobby

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