Tag Archive for how to keep your woman happy

Holiday Advice

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Listen First

With the holidays upon us there are going to more people in our lives who we may have not seen much during the last year. This can be problematic because we don’t have an ongoing dialogue with them. Instead we are expected to jump right in as if there has been a solid amount of interactions from the last time we met each other. Not a chance. So take some time to get reacquainted and talk to each other without any expectations. Here is a recap of some older articles designed to give you a better holiday experience…

Talking is the beginning of sharing our thoughts and ideas. But without a willing partner you will get nowhere. If you’re doing it by yourself, the results can sometimes be less than spectacular. So when talking to each other, make certain that you have an active partner.

With that said, it is equally important that you be a good listener and not just hear the spoken words. Listening can be a great way to pick up on subtle things that are conveyed through voice inflection and body language. In a relationship discussion what is not said can be more important than what is said. Keep focused on the person you are having a conversation with, and show some interest.

Why Is This Important?

Regardless of the situation, by listening first you put yourself in a very powerful position. As the listener you will get all of the information being offered. It gives you the ability to think about the message and create a reasonable, informed answer. This will help in advancing the conversation and give you the opportunity to learn about them. You may be surprised by what is actually conveyed.

What is the Benefit?

In relationships we are emotionally invested. Our feelings are exposed for anyone to nurture or damage. And this leaves us feeling vulnerable to the next attack. In reality it is each of us who has the opportunity to choose to listen and engage in the conversation. There is nothing to fear when we are listening, because all of the information is coming to us. We are not hurting each other, merely listening to what is being imparted.

Engage by asking probing questions;

  • Does that interest you?
  • How do you feel about that?
  • Is there more there that we should discuss?
  • Tell me more…
  • What can I do in that regard?

Any additional question or comment to keep the dialog moving can only help. Try not to use the word “No” until you’ve listened to everything said. He or she may be nervous and not get the words right at first. Give them room to expand and listen while they relax and get comfortable with the exchange.

I suggest never getting angry during times of conversation especially during the holiday season.  By remaining calm we have a better chance of getting our thoughts out clearly. And as the listener, anger dulls the senses and makes really understanding much more difficult.

With anything, this takes practice and it takes two people. If one is angry, neither is ready for a conversation. If one is distracted neither can communicate. And if one is incapable, neither have a chance to properly share.

So, give it a try and let me know what comes of it. You may get a surprise, you may find something you didn’t know or you may just connect better than ever before. In any case, let me know how it goes. Your story may be what helps the next reader have a holiday to remember.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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A Few Ideas to Ponder…

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644720_291103937657750_584840658_nI have discovered a new page on Facebook and wanted to share it with all of you. I like anything that causes me to think or re-think about my relationships. This page is called Liberation Through Tempted Desires and it has caused some interesting conversation within my home. It is fairly new and run by five open minded people, if I get my count correct. These folks are not afraid to discuss sex, love and relationships nor the dirty details therein. the contents are suggested fro adults only and I agree, but that’s who we are, enjoy if you dare. All of the photos in my blog today are from the site. Take a look at a few and share the ideas with your loved ones and see where it goes…

But I warn you, if your not ready to be open mined and discuss your relationship, just stop reading now and go back to what you were doing…

 

Here is one that just jumped out to me and my girlfriend. Most of us have some issue in our lives or relationship that keeps reoccurring. No matter what we do to 66225_293365187431625_1479554750_ncorrect or modify the problem it keeps coming back over and again. Why is that? The reason for it is that we keep focusing on it. Be cause we desperately what it to go away and yet we keep looking for it to come back. We become hyper sensitive to the issue and not to the person we love. Accept the person for who they are and then read this again…

544698_292494140852063_667071720_nAgain, this one should generate a significant amount of dialogue between lovers. Choosing anything or anyone and choosing powerfully has wonderful implications. Do you remember this feeling inside you when you first met? Is it still there? Why or why not? Consider talking about it and getting back to choosing to consume each other. Talk about the heat of sex, the dirty feeling fro each other, the depth of your love. What ever it takes to get you to the point of consumption!

Last, I leave you with this photo…46266_291797267588417_2007845281_n It is so true that the world is not going to stop because we want to carry a chip on our shoulder. The world moves on with or without us. We can’t choose to stop it, we can only choose to make it as great as possible for us and those around us. What do you choose? Love is a great place to start, from there a lot of really cool things can happen. Choosing to love and choosing it powerfully means that you have taken control of life and are going to enjoy the ride. Get involved and control you destiny. Take control and quit bitching. Check out this Facebook page and start a conversation. Get filthy dirty with the ones you love.

Let me know how things go and what shows up in the following conversations.

I can’t wait to hear from you.

 

Until next time…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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The Power of Voting

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Today the people of the United States will decide on a president for the next four years. They could choose to re-elect President Barack Obama, or make a change by electing Governor Mitt Romney. In either case, people fight for the chance to vote in a presidential election. Many say it is our constitutional right to vote, however there is no such mention in the US constitution. My point is that free people all over the world fight for the ability to choose their leaders.

Wars have been started in order to secure free elections and voting. During the first free elections Iraq and Afghanistan, people waiting in lines to vote were shoot and killed but the citizens continued, undaunted to file into voting precincts. The phenomenon is incredible. I commend any and all who take the opportunity to vote. More importantly, I commend and thank those who risk life and limb to defend our ability to do so.

As free people, our most precious human characteristic is our power to choose. And yet, at times, I want to scream for people to exercise that ability. I ask, if we are willing to fight to take part in a presidential election, why are we not willing to make better choices in our relationships? Better yet, why do so many people make no choice at all? Just like in an election, we have choices every day with regard to our relationships and behaviors. We choose to engage positively or negatively. We can show compassion or disregard another's feelings. In any case it all comes down to choice.

If we fight for an election why not fight for the other? Don't get me wrong, I understand the gravity of electing a US president, but I'm asking why we take little or no interest in choosing to have better and more fulfilling relationships? We have the ability but giving up the power to choose the proper path can have horrible results. And making a positive choice takes far less time than becoming educated about the candidates and then waiting in line to vote.

I can only suppose the reason we don't invest ourselves in willingly making powerful relationship choices is that we either don't care or we don't know the signs of when we need to stop, think and choose. Not knowing is a common problem. Many readers say they don't have control over certain aspects of their lives. I offer that they do, but don't see the issues plainly, without emotion. not having the proper view can prevent the necessary actions for relationship success.

In our up coming book titled The Meaning Making Machine we cover this and more. This book is another useful tool to assist you and your loved ones with finding relationship happiness. The book will be released on Kindle through Amazon.com and I highly recommend it for you and those you care about. It will provide the ground work for your relationships to find common ground in order stop, thin and choose the correct path fro positive growth. Look for it soon both here on our site and at Amazon.com. Choose a better way and find happiness while in the process. Vote for the benefit of your relationship…

Now get out and vote. Until next time…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Spicing Up Your Sex Life

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Having hotter sex is an ongoing discussion here at RLA Advisors. Time and again we are asked the same question, “What do you suggest?”. When it comes to improving sex there is no “one size fits all” methodology. Sex is an exercise that requires practice and skill just like most physical activities. Few achieve perfection their first time out. It is important to hang in there and keep trying, but at the same time, get better.

Although not one thing works for everyone, we have a few suggestions.

Be Patient

Don’t rush, be patient with yourself and your partner. There is nothing wrong with a “quickie” but it doesn’t have to happen every time. Take the time to explore yourself and your partner. If you are uncomfortable with either, the experience can be less than thrilling. Knowing your body and your partners makes it easier to find all the right spots.

Caress, fondle and examine. Slowly move from one spot to the next. Take more of an interest in the areas that stimulate your partner. And don’t assume that you know every point that he or she likes. With exploration you may just find a few more.

If You Don’t Know, Ask…

Get comfortable with asking questions. During sex it can be exciting to ask if something feels good. Make a game of it and assist each other with the delightful chore of discovering new pleasure spots. One interesting experiment is to create a list of known pleasure areas for each of you. Once completed, share the lists and explore each other without touching any of the listed regions. Place a time limit on this game because it has the tendency to get hot, quick. When the time is up, go for it!

Asking about sex and erogenous zones with your partner can be a little intimidating at first, but in time this should dissipate. Keep each other engaged in the conversation and you will dive deeper into the discussion every time. Each question and answer should be exchanged without any judgment or prejudice. If you don’t know, you have to get the information from somewhere. What better source than the partner you are trying to please?

Getting the Conversation Going

Outside of the bedroom is my favorite place to discuss sex. And I highly recommend it to others. It forces the dialogue to take a different tone and shape. As you are not in the act, the pressure to perform is removed. Since you are not in “performance mode” you get the chance to discuss and exchange ideas without the benefit of doing right then and there (although this has been known to happen on occasion).

The best and most interesting part of the discussion is your imagination. As you begin to talk about what turns you on, what ideas you have, what you have read or seen, the mind reels with the erotic excitement of the conversation. And being excited makes it easier to talk about. Many studies have been done with regard to the human mind and sexual stimulation. It is proven that we respond to question different when we are turned on. And the more we are sexually excited, the more inclined we are to be open about what we think and feel.

Getting into and keeping the conversation going is a great enhancement to sex. I suggest that if either of you are dispassionate about your sex life, discuss it. But let’s not talk about what’s not working. Dwelling on the dysfunctional part tends to highlight just that.  Concentrate on the good stuff even if you have never made it part of your sexual encounters. Commit to each other to be open and honest and schedule a dinner out, away from the house and plan the evening discussion.

Throughout dinner share sexual likes and desires, no matter how crazy or erotic. Don’t judge just accept the conversation as a simple discussion and see where it goes. Ask question about what you are listening to. Get into the nitty gritty of the ideas. Share the eroticism and the fantasies you each have. You may find that you have some ideas in common, but at the very least, you should have an exciting, sexually charged conversation.

Continue on the drive home and enjoy the rest of the evening. Because conversation is the best foreplay.

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Relationship Breakthrough Challenge-Part 3

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RelationshipBreakthroughSmallIf you missed the first two parts of the Relationship Breakthrough you can check them out here…

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge-Part 1

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge-Part 2

I would recommend you read those first two posts first to get the greatest impact of today’s lesson.  But either way you will GET value.

In this part of the Relationship Breakthrough you’re going to get an idea of why you may see your relationship as not working, what causes you to feel the way you do, and how to take your relationship to a new level.

Get ready to unlock the blueprint of your relationships.

When you look at your relationships and how they’re working for you it stands to reason the first thing that needs to be done is look at where your relationships come from.  Why does it seem you get into the same type of relationships over and over again?  Why does it seem like you end up with the wrong man over and over again?

So first, ask yourself…

How have YOU made your relationships be the way they are?

You’re probably saying… What!?  How have “I” made my relationships this way?

That’s right… It’s time to take responsibility.  If you recall from part 2 of this series the focus was gaining your power back by being responsible for the way things are.  It’s time to do that RIGHT NOW.

You’ve made your relationships the way they are by finding the person you’re with as a result of the story you’ve told yourself over the years about YOU and others.

For instance, if you think “I’m not good enough.”  You may find yourself looking for partners who are less than you.  Not like value you but like they need something from you to be right.  That way you feel a little better, like you have everything figured out.

I’m not saying you do this consciously.  I’m saying that based on the story “I’m not good enough” that you’ve built up at an unconscious level you do things to find people who fit that mold.

Now lets add to that a story you have that says, “I’ll never find the right partner, I’ll have to change them.”

You may find yourself looking for partners who are sub par.  People who NEED YOUR HELP.  That’s also congruent with how you see yourself.  If you’re not good enough and you find someone who needs your help, WOW you might feel loved and appreciated for once.

I’m here to tell you, none of it’s true.

What is your story, exactly?

Your story consist of your experiences, feelings, and memories in life.  In essence, it’s your past.  AND it’s what you have made the past MEAN to you.

Let me give you an example…

Henrietta grew up with an abusive father.  He verbally abused and sometimes smacked her around.  Her first experience of a man was her father.  At that age she decided she never wanted to be with a man who was like that.  She drew conclusions of what he looked like, how he talked, the tone he used, and how he acted around women.  This happen when she was a child and stayed with her forever.  A few more instances of this type of abuse occurred as she grew up that solidified those thoughts.

Now, she won’t be with a man who looks, acts or uses the tones like her father and those other men.  Now she is with men who are weak and are submissive to her because she wants to be in control.  She doesn’t want to be treated like that again so she compensates.  But she does it at an unconscious level.  It’s the young girl that’s driving the bus, not the grown adult.  She has no idea why she’s picking these men.

There could be more too it.

When she was a girl she figured she wasn’t doing things right, she wasn’t good enough, because her dad treated her that way.  That thought has stuck with her.  She feels like she’s not good enough and compensates with the men she’s with in one way or another.  So, not only does she not find the RIGHT man for her, she also treats them differently because the story is running her life.

She hates her relationships because they don’t go the way she thinks they should go.  But they ARE going the way she has created them to be – from her past.

You’ll probably say, “She didn’t cause her father to do the things he did.  She didn’t cause the men she was with to be submissive.”

No but she made the meaning and she went looking and accepted the relationships of the submissive men.

So why doesn’t she have the relationships she wants?

It’s because our lives are like a thermostat.  We set it to 76 degrees.  If the temperature is 80 degrees then the air kicks on and it cools the house till it gets to the set temperature.  And vice versa.

If you have a vision of how your relationship should look but your story has run it a different way, you’re not happy because your thermostat is off.

You strive for your relationship to be a perfect 76 degrees but your story guides you down a different path.  (You’re A/C unit is broke.)

If you keep doing the same thing and you never interrupt your story you’ll continue to get more of what you’ve always gotten.

That’s why it’s so important to take responsibility for everything you’ve created in your relationship and your life.

So why don’t you change things, knowing that you want your relationships to go a certain way?

It’s because we take actions congruent with how our relationships occur to us.

For instance, if in your relationship you view your partner as broken, needing to be fixed, weak, or anything of the sort – you will act accordingly.  You will treat your man that way.  At the same time if you “aren’t good enough” you will treat yourself in your relationship as if you aren’t good enough. (You stay with someone who is not the right fit only because you think it’s the right thing to do—again story.)

Your story may be telling you – My partner needs fixing and in order to make me feel like I’m good enough I’m going to stick it out and try and fix him.

You act in accordance with how you see yourself and how you see your partner.  Combine those two things and you have the reason why you do the things you do in your relationship.

And it all stems back to getting responsible about yourself, your past, and the people you’re with in a relationship.

So that begs the question…

Can you change your story, the meaning you’ve given things?

Yes!  Yes!

You can’t change the events but you certainly can understand why YOU created what they mean and you get to create new meaning or leave it be.

For instance, Henrietta can’t change what her father did and what the other men in her life did but she can be honest and understand what she made those things mean.  She can be responsible that SHE created the meaning as a little girl and she no longer has to live her life that way.  She can now be responsible for her actions.

She can now choose to stay with the man she’s with – all issues and everything – or she can choose to move on.

There are only a couple of ways Henrietta can get through this.

She may realize that she was compensating for her stories about how she sees herself and how she sees her partner, realize her partner is not the RIGHT person for her and go find someone knew.

Or

She could realize all those things and stay with her partner if she TRULY believes this person is right for her.

Now that she realizes those things about herself and her story she can be aware of her actions, change the way her relationships occur and how she occurs to herself.  That by itself will change the actions she takes in her relationships.

It all boils down to taking responsibility for yourself.  It’s just being done in a way you may have not seen before.

How do you change the meaning something?

This might be easy to grasp and allow me to explain it.  Have you ever reacted to something negatively or in a flammable way.  Ask yourself, why did you react that way.  It will more than likely take you to a belief you have about something.

Now be honest and ask yourself why you have that belief.  You may find that you don’t know why, you may know why, but either way that belief has a certain meaning for you.  And if someone drives in the opposite direction of the way you THINK it should be, you react.  And you do it at an unconscious level.

Now, if you can be responsible for the fact that you MADE the meaning up or transferred that meaning from someone else, like a parent, you can see how changing the meaning is a matter of accepting responsibility for it and choosing to change it.

You can change it or allow it to be neutral.  It’s your life, your belief, use the event and the beliefs how you want.  But don’t let them use you.  Don’t be at the affect of life.

Be responsible.

How do you take that and move your relationship to the next level?

Now you can live your life productively with your partner.  You can powerfully choose to stay or leave based on what you uncovered about yourself and how you view your relationships.

Once you understand and can utilize this you will either take your current relationship to a new level or you will create a new relationship. But ultimately you are FREE to choose that for yourself.

You are not locked in.

And remember you can NOT change your partner.  You have to do the work first.

I remember a time when my wife asked me to take the trash out.  It took me 3 hours because I didn’t do it right away.  She got pissed.  She had expectations that I was going to do it right when she asked, but she didn’t communicate it.  Also, she got inflamed because she ended up taking the trash out and figured it was my job to do that.

After we talked about it we both realized that she got pissed, not at me but at what her belief was about what I should have done.  I realized that when she made a request it was in the moment.  Now we communicate a whole lot clearer.

Now go practice.  Take some time by yourself and follow these steps.

  1. Pick one area about yourself that you would like to investigate.
  2. Ask yourself why you are that way. Be honest and think back to the earliest memory you have that would make you the way you’re being or seeing yourself.
  3. Write it down like this… Write down what happen and then write down what you made it mean.  And be honest.
  4. Now that you have identified that, write down ways that meaning has filtered your view of yourself or others around you.

If you do this and you’re honest with yourself, you may find that you’ve been letting a meaning that happened long ago has been driving your bus.  You just didn’t know it.

In the next post of this series I’m going to show you why you find yourself not taking action when it comes to confronting your partner or people in other relationships.  You’ll see clearly how to overcome what it is that stops you.  Stay tuned…

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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