Tag Archive for help save marriage

Lights, Action, Drama!!!!!!!!!!

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Relationships today have taken a turn in which life represents art. I am referring to reality TV and the influences it has on our own lives. I am a huge fan of reality TV and I fault no one for watching and enjoying the carnage that takes place on such programs. Forget the Amazing Race and Survivor, I’m talking about the original day-time dirt. There is nothing better than watching a couple of strippers cat fight over a trailer trash, red-neck, hillbilly for female dominance of the Sunny Meadows RV and Trailer Park. YEE-HAAAWWWW, that’s just good old fashion fun!

I get to laughing out loud watching this kind of thing on TV. At times I find myself crying from laughter and thinking, “My life is great”. On occasions I feel as if I need a good dose of day-time trash to make me see my life as good and wholesome compared to others. But the reality of reality TV is that we see ourselves in those performing or living out their lives for all of us to view.

Don’t deny it! We have all sat in front of the idiot box and thought, “We should talk to my in-laws about going on that show”, or “That reminds me of our last Thanksgiving dinner”. We all know someone, some where who would fit right into the current top-of-the-morning “Talk Show”. There is no reason to be embarrassed by it or them, it’s just the way families are. We are all dysfunctional to a certain degree, but we can choose to act upon it or take a different path.

The Set Up…

Going through our daily lives and relationships with those around us, we encounter issues and problems of all kinds. Disagreements, arguments, confrontations, they are with us or part of us every day. And we get to choose how we approach and deal with these every day occurrences. Let me say that again, every day occurrences.

You may make a case that there are days when we don’t have issues and problems. Well, perhaps so, but again that is a choice. But consider that every occurrence in life is presented to us with a choice of how we will behave. In other words, regardless of the situation, we get to choose what happens by how we act upon the issue. What’s that? You don’t believe it? Let’s look at an example…

Johnny and Peg are a married couple. Johnny pays the bills as is their agreement. While paying the monthly cell phone statement, Johnny logs on to view the bill via the web in an effort to find a possible reduction in price based on the couples total usage. He discovers three calls from Peg’s phone to his best friend Tom. All were placed last Friday evening while Johnny was at a company dinner function. The total time for the three calls was more than 90 minutes!

Johnny feels he must address this with Peg immediately. He gathers the phone bill and storms into the kitchen to find Peg.

Cue music. Camera pans from left to right. Camera pulls back for a full view of the audience pounding their fists in the air to a chant of, “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry…”  Enter Jerry, announcing, “And on todays show we have Johnny who is here to confront his wife Peg about her recently discovered infidelity” The audience screams their disapproval. What a great show! Let’s get a front row seat! Johnny has chosen the reality TV approach. This should be good!

OR

Johnny and Peg are a married couple. Johnny pays the bills as is their agreement. While paying the monthly cell phone statement, Johnny logs on to view the bill via the web in an effort to find a possible reduction in price based on the couples total usage. He discovers three calls from Peg’s phone to his best friend Tom. All were placed last Friday evening while Johnny was at a company dinner function. The total time for the three calls was more than 90 minutes.

Johnny feels he must address this with Peg, if only for his curiosity and peace of mind. Over dinner when he asks, Peg reminds him that Lisa, Tom’s wife, had visited that evening after she and Tom had argued. Lisa left her apartment upset and without her phone. Once she was clam she called to talk to Tom and borrowed Pegs cell phone. They worked it out and Lisa was back at home happy later that night. Boring, I know, but Johnny is in control of choosing and the out come will be very different based on his choice.

The Final Act

As I said, these issue are there for us each and every day. Many pass us by without notice and others are thrust upon us to be dealt with in the rudest fashion possible. Either way, we get to choose how we take on the situation. Tell me I am not performing well enough at work. I can call the boss an asshole or ask what is missing that would benefit both of us. When the car breaks down, I can complain about it or deal with the repairs. Either way I have to get it fixed. Find a strange entry on the cell phone bill and get upset or inquire as to why.

Each time I get to choose and be in control and powerful with the choice. I have what it takes to keep the conversation moving forward and in a positive direction. If it is true that Peg is cheating on Johnny, does he need an audience and a talk show host to know how to handle it? I should think not.

Give the benefit of conversation to those around you. Let them be part of the engaging dialogue and offer them the opportunity to get open and honest with you. In return you can be in control by providing the space for such conversation. Many people don’t know how to get to this point but that, in and of itself, could make for a great conversation with someone you love. Embrace the idea of conversational intercourse. It can be extremely stimulating.

That’s it for now. I have to run off to find out if Marty, Sean, Terry or Bubba is Betty Lou’s baby daddy. The DNA results are in! And the hits just keep on rollin’.

 

As always,
Love with no shame and ask with no fear.
Bobby

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Improve Your Relationship-Give 100%

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Improving Your RelationshipIf you’re truly interested in improving your relationship, taking it to a new level, or starting off on the right foot then I urge you to read every word of this article.  Some of it may be confronting.  Some of it you may disagree with.  Some of it may even cause you to read even more.  Why? Because we’re getting into how we work as human beings.

The first thing I’d like you to consider is that YOU didn’t choose your partner.

Your past, your experiences, your reasons, and all that has happened to you over time made the decision for you on which partner to have.  I would even venture to say that it isn’t YOU who is in the relationship with your partner.  It’s all those things you’ve retrieved in the past that are running you at an unconscious level that decided who your partner should be.

According to an article from Psychology Today written by Sandra Brown, M.A., our default programing is what makes the decisions for us in our relationships. It indicates that we have hardware (our DNA) that makes up our traits and software (all the things we pick up in life) that guide us on what to do.  Here’s the part that really stood out to me…

By the time women contact The Institute, they are so exhausted by the lifetime of the pathological energy-sucking relationships that they are ready to do what it takes to stop this.  Simply stating “I am NEVER going to do this again. I am going to pick differently in the future” doesn’t register to your software program. It’s still set on the default pattern of selection it has been set on for years.  If you could look at the software settings internally it would look like this:

x  Narcissistic

x  Cheater

x  Pathological Lying

x  Charming and deceitful

x  Helps me ignore my red flags

x  Induces fantasy thinking of how my future MIGHT be

x  Honeymoon cycle followed by D&D (Devalue & Discard)

x Intense, intensely pursued

x Hypnotic, I can’t think or choose differently while with them

These might be some of the traits you are repeatedly selecting through your software default program.
In software programs, it’s noted that ‘Using defaults will tend to increase errors, as users may leave incorrect default settings selected.’

Hmmmmm… yeah. Can we agree that’s true? The difficulty in Pathological Love Relationship recovery is that women read a book or go to a counselor and talk about the pain of the relationship but never get down to the reprogramming of the software.  Hardware comes as it is and will always be there and you will always be ‘bent’ in a direction or proclivity for these relationships. BUT you can put in different software programming that will let you pick from a NEW SET of default choices and not automatically ‘defaulting back’ to what you have always chosen. You have to choose differently in order to get a different outcome.

Source:  PsychologyToday.com

With all that, I’m not saying the person you’re with is wrong for you. In fact, they’re perfect for you, in my opinion.  I’m not saying that where you’re at in your relationship needs to be fixed.  In fact, it doesn’t need fixing, it just needs a new view point to take it to a new level.

I am suggesting that where you are right now isn’t because you chose it from a clean slate.  I’m saying you got there because of some circumstance.  And whatever you are dealing with in your relationship right now can be worked on with ease and simplicity.

How can you do that?

First, take your relationship as-it-is.  Accept it for what it isn’t and what it is.  Stop comparing it to anyone else.  Stop comparing it to movies, friends, or anything for that matter.

Take it AS-IS.

Then give 100% and expect 0% in return.  Take your partner how they are with all of their plusses and all of their shortcomings combined.  Give everything you have and expect nothing back.  When you do this you may find yourself in a realm of giving you’ve never experienced before.  Give the level of unconditional love you would give to your own child or your parents.  That’s how you give 100% and expect nothing back.

Next, be present with them.  Be in the moment, listen to them, feel their words and the connection with them.  Take your intimacy to elite status.

Being 100% present is about ALL OF YOU being engaged with whoever you’re with – AND BEING IN THE MOMENT.

It is not a 100% focus on your spouse (or other person you’re with at the time), that will usually drive them away or creep them out.

Instead, it’s learning how to calm and soothe yourself so you can fully listen to others.

You can think and respond.

You can connect on a deeper level.

You can even practice being 100% present without either party saying a word.

Many times we reach out to our spouse (or others, or Facebook, Twitter, texts) as an attempt to calm our own anxieties or insecurities. We want them to positively engage us in some way because that will make US feel better about ourselves and/or our relationship.

At it’s core, this is an emotionally propping up. And over time, a person that has to be emotionally propped up becomes very unattractive.

Being present is learning how to listen, think, emote, respond, act, and/or choose appropriately in any situation.

Try this:

Practice becoming more aware of your own level of presence as you go throughout your day.

When you talk to someone on the phone, don’t do something else while talking.

When you engage with someone in person, practice being still and listening.

You don’t have to engage and respond right away, after all you’re not in a tennis match with them – you’re in a conversation. Silence and pauses are okay.

Give up on the idea of multi-tasking – you wind up doing more things poorly rather than one thing well. Embrace the idea of sequential-tasking. What ever it is you’re doing or involved in, commit completely to it. Then disconnect and move to the next thing and fully connect there.

This will begin to pave the way for you to act more from your core and your values (i.e. the best in you), rather than your anxiety, in every situation.

Source: SimpleMarriage.net

The only thing I’ll add to that is that being present includes you getting in tune with your partner’s emotions, thoughts, and listening of you.  When you begin to get so present you can be with a person the way they are and they way they are not, you’ll find yourself taking your relationship to profound status.

I remember a moment of presence for me.  We were sitting at the dinner table.  It’s my wife, my daughter, and me.  My mind was empty and I was concentrating and being with both of them.  I wasn’t listening, while thinking of what I had to do at work.  I wasn’t listening, while wondering how tomorrow was going to go.  I was listening, intently, with focus, and 100% with them. I was connected on a new level.

It does take practice.  I do forget sometimes.  But adding that to my relationships both intimate, friendships, and business has taken them to a place that can only be felt.

To me it’s a simple formula:

Being present + Giving 100% of your love and emotion and expecting 0% = An enriched relationship with ever lasting love and affection.

A mentor of mine said, “The only person in every situation that can make a change is YOU.”

You see, we always want people to change.  We can’t make people around us change.  We can only change ourselves.  In fact, I don’t even think we change ourselves.  We change our view of how things are and our actions follow suit.

How do you like them apples?

Let me know what you’re thinking.  Tell me what you want to discuss. Love?  Intimacy?  Sex?  Let’s get it out so the RLA team can write about it.

Love… to infinity and beyond!

Jay

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Toys, Toys, Toys…

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Warning: If you are easily offended by language, profanity or open discussion about sex, love and/or relationships, read no farther. This post is for those open minded people who wish to have a conversation about their personal lives in an effort to improve them and those who engage in the discussion with them. Again, if you are easily offended, STOP READING NOW!!!!!!!!

I get asked on a regular basis how my readers feel about the use of sex toys. You would think that this question comes from only men or only women. The reality is that both men and women ask the question and I finally thought it needed to be addressed.

It is interesting how many people are interested in the use of marital aids and if other people use them. With the internet, adult novelty stores, and adult in home parties I would have thought that the information would be out there and everywhere to find. And it is. But what people want to know has nothing to do with themselves as much as it has to do with the how they fit in with everybody else.

You see, there have been marital aides, sex toys, novelty devices, what ever you want to call them, for decades. Magazines made it easier to order them rather than having to personally visit the seedy adult “book store”. They were delivered in a “non-descript” package that screamed “Hello! Vibrator inside”. The mail carriers knew everyone on their routes that had personal items delivered. Don’t forget the flood of not so non-descript mailings that followed. I ordered them, I went to the adult book stores (and I still do) and so did any other neighbor who wished to enhance their sex lives via these interesting little battery operated devices.

Now we have the internet which turns our computers into the largest adult novelty stores known to man. We can search things from the mild to the wild. I share the web sites I use with with my family and friends. We discuss not only the items themselves, but how to order, is the company reliable, how long does it take to arrive and what is the cost. Everything you can think of is available, toys for straight sex, gay sex, lesbian sex, bondage, discipline, pain, electricity, water torture, cages, sex furniture (one of my personal favorites) truly anything at all. Pick a subject and just run a Google search. Anything you want to buy or know about is there, except for the one thing we all want to know.

Why Do People Ask Me?

Great question. If it’s all out there to find, browse, learn about and purchase, why is it people want to talk to me about sex toys. I figure it comes down to the truth. I have no problem sharing what I know personally and what I have learned from research and my readers. If it helps anyone to improve their sex lives, I’m all in for the conversation. They ask and I answer. It’s not always comfortable for everyone but they get the answers and in many cases I get new information from them as well.

We have a few very close friends who we will show our new toys to and in turn they do the same for us. It is interesting when you remove the embarrassment from the conversation how interesting it becomes. We love to learn from each other and relive the excitement from a previous nights sexual adventure. Many times I have been shown our friends new items and immediately went out to purchase the same for us. But I would have never known if we were not open to the conversation in the first place. We laugh, drink and talk and have a great time.

I have a close friend who manages an adult store in the south of our state. When I get a chance to visit the first thing I ask is what’s new in the market. She goes from “happy to see you” to “the doctor is IN”. She covers each new item with the expression and delivery of a doctor explaining a new pharmaceutical. No embarrassment, just factual conversation, she’s great and I value her opinion. I never ask her about her other customers I just want the facts and to find out if I’m missing anything I should be aware of. If you ever visit such a store, I recommend the first thing to do is befriend the clerk or manager. They know everything you need to know and will share if you are friendly and interested. So, we still haven’t gotten to the bottom of what we all want to know about the subject of toys…

What We All Want to Know is…

Without fail, each and every person who asks me about toys, my research and my readers wants to know one thing, where do they fit in to the big equation? We want to know if we are weird or strange. Do men like a certain thing? Do women try this at home alone or with their partner? Do men allow toys at home or are they afraid? How do I get my wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend interested? Should I say something or just go buy the damn thing? Who else likes this particular thing?

Am I weird or do I fit in?

If we were to stop and think about it without fear of reprisal, it is obvious that human beings have been engaging in sexual reproduction since the dawn of time, hence reproducing. Since it is such a pleasurable activity, we do it often and attempt to improve upon what we already know. Records indicate that sexual proclivities have been around since recorded history. Now that we have the internet to propagate the spread of new ideas, we think we have found something new that might be seen as a little off key to others in our social networks. Not a chance. I rarely get shocked by anything and this is no different. People have been taking pleasure from each other since the beginning, why stop now?

Do you fit in to what everybody else is doing? Who cares? If it feels good, doesn’t break any laws and is between consenting adult, go for it. If it doesn’t work for you, fine. Just rest assured that you’re no different than any of the others out there asking the same question. Embrace it, get comfortable and enjoy.

And if you have a question, think you can shock me, or just want to chat send me a message. Just don’t be offended by the open and honest dialogue.

As always,
Love with no shame and ask with no fear.
Bobby

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How to Change Your Man

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How to change your man

Who is Your Man, Right Now?

If your intent is to change your man, I suggest that you first examine what is different. Is he not the same man you first met or did he change?

In speaking with many different women, I find that the men they are attempting to change are, in fact, the same men they first met and fell in love with.

When asked what changed or what is different, it becomes apparent that behavior is relatively identical but the romance may have drifted off, lessening the loving feelings the woman finds within the relationship.

 Okay, I get that. And it is real!

When a man falls in love, he is excited to be close and perfectly happy to pick up the phone and call just to chat and say hello. He feels good about the relationship and himself. Being in love with the right woman makes us men feel invincible, almost like a super hero. We feel like nothing can get us down or be too big a problem. We have the love and support of our woman! Possibly the best feeling in the world! Everyone is happy and nothing could be wrong with the world. Men begin to relax into the relationship, we enjoy the comfort of our closeness. We take great pleasure in coming home and just being with our woman. Naturally, women don’t understand the different tone in the relationship. What went wrong? Does he still love me? Why doesn’t he show me that he loves me? Who can I talk to about this?

I need to change him…

What went wrong? Answer: nothing!

Does he still love me? Answer: YES!

Why doesn’t he show me that he loves me? Answer: He does, just look at it through his eyes.

Who can I talk to about this? Answer: HIM…

 

Here’s Where it can get Weird

 

A few things happen when the relationship gets comfortable, the man relaxes and enjoys the natural feel of being together. Think about it, men like old jeans, an old hats, a 10 year old recliner left over from college, their old hunting gun, grand dad’s fishing rod. We like things we are familiar with. We find comfort in the things we know and trust.

A woman takes great pride in improving the things she has in her life. Remodeling a perfectly good home, finding better books for the children to read, new recipes, new shoes, improve the relationship… Women value themselves by the relationship they have and they want and need it to be as good as it can be. This is who we are and there is nothing wrong, it is just a way of being.

So, when he is relaxed, she is worried. When he is comfortable and wants no change, she is concerned and thinks improvement is needed. When he is feeling like a Super Hero, she makes her move and asks for him to be somebody else. Neither he nor she is wrong, but neither have tried to see it from the others perspective. Can a man change? Yes! Can a woman change a man? Yes, but it must be done in a way that can keep you both happy and committed.

If a man has the woman of his dreams, he feels like a Super Hero. Consider what happens to his ego when the woman of his dreams asks him to change. He feels like he is no longer the man of her dreams. He feels wrong, hurt, lesser and becomes defensive. Now the desired affect of positive change back fires and instead of growing closer, he pulls away. When a man pulls away, many women react by pointing it out and again asking for him to change. In some cases, this sparks the argument of; “Are you seeing another woman?”, “Don’t you love me any more?”, “Have you lost interest in me?” All of these are hollow to the man because he doesn’t feel this way and there is no reasonable argument for him to engage in with his woman. He feels even further reduced and pulls farther away. Again, a backfire!

Worse yet, neither the man nor the woman know what to do. At this point they are both acting on instinct. Righting this ship can be an enormous task.

 

How to Get the Change You Desire

 

This may sound like strange advice, but follow me. You have to accept him for who he is. Reading all the emotions into a man is like looking at a blank sheet of paper and guessing what a full 60 page news paper will have printed. If he is comfortable, he is happy. It has nothing to do with how his woman feels about the relationship. Many of us like the comfort and easy feel of where we are in life. So, once you can accept that and see him for who he is, you can encourage him to change without bruising his ego. Men are little boys that had the misfortune of growing up. Many things about how we act and behave are nothing more than manifestations of our childhood. That explains quite a lot when it comes to our connection to old things, cars, music and the old college recliner.

Now, after you have accepted him for him, get his buy in and get him on your side. Tell him something that he does you are happy with and then ask rather than tell him what you want. Do this at a time when he can be engaged in the conversation, over dinner, just before bed, what ever your time for conversation may be. If you approach him when he is not ready, he will resist. If you tear him down, he will resist. If you remind him of his mother, he will resist.

As the woman, you have all the power to influence him and at the same time destroy him. Men want to please their women, we want to be the Super Hero at all times, for all things and for all reasons. Support our super powers and we are yours. Tug on our imaginary capes and we’ll fly off into our own little Super Hero worlds without you.

Remember, we love you, we want to be with you and we want to make you happy. We will try anything for the women we love. Be our Lois Lane or our Kryptonite, the choice is yours.

 

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Listening Like a Lover

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Listen First

             Up to this point I have written several posts about talking. Now don’t get me wrong, I want all my readers to engage in conversation. However I thought it a good time to reverse the tables just a bit and discuss the art of listening.

             Talking is the beginning of sharing our thoughts and ideas. But without a willing partner talking alone is akin to oral masturbation. If you’re doing it by yourself, the results can sometimes be less than spectacular. So when talking to each other, make certain that you have an active partner. If they are not interested or distracted, hold the conversation for a short while until things clear up and each of you can take an active role in the dialogue.

             With that said, it is equally important that you be a good listener and not just hear the spoken words. Listening can be a great way to pick up on subtle things that are conveyed through voice inflection and body language. In a relationship discussion what is not said can be more important than what is said. For example, if a partner uses the word “fine” to end an emotionally charged conversation while turning away and folding their arms, does it really mean “fine”. NO! It means exactly the opposite. Although this is an extreme example that could be picked up by the dumbest of all men, you get my point.

 

Why Is This Important?

 

            Regardless of the situation, by listening first, and I mean really listening, you put yourself in a very powerful position. As the listener you will get all of the information being offered. It gives you the ability to think about the message and create a reasonable, informed answer. This will help in advancing the conversation, learning more about your partner and if it is an argument, the listener has the power to shut it down with complete understanding of the other’s position.

           It’s better to understand than to push a point for the purpose of being “right”. In relationship dialog there is no reason for right and wrong. Being in a relationship is just that, relating to each other. There is no need to dominate, no need to prove the point, no need to be right. Just listen first and try to completely understand your partner. You may be surprised by what it actually conveyed.

          Several months ago I called my daughter and asked if she had spoken to her mother recently. In, what I thought to be, an angry tone, she replied, “Yes, she called me”. Very short and to the point, however I thought she was angry. All she really said was, “Yes, she called me”. Rather than ask why she was angry, I chose a position of power and asked her to share her thoughts about the conversation with her mother. We then had a wonderful, twenty minute, phone call. Had I chose to argue about her tone, the conversation could have been markedly different.

 What is the Benefit?

             In relationships we are emotionally invested. Our feelings are exposed for anyone to nurture or damage. And this leaves us feeling vulnerable to the next attack. In reality it is each of us who has the opportunity to choose to listen and engage in the conversation. There is nothing to fear when we are listening, because all of the information is coming to us. We are not hurting each other, merely listening to what is being imparted. If we choose to add meaning upon what is said it becomes our own fault.

             Listening can be sexy as well. If partners are discussing sex, desires or wants be open to what is being said. Engage by asking probing questions; 

  • Does that interest you?
  • How do you feel about that?
  • Is there more there that we should discuss?
  • Tell me more…
  • What can I do in that regard?

 Any additional question or comment to keep the dialog moving can only help. Try not to use the word “No” until you’ve listened to everything your partner has to say. He or she may be nervous and not get the words right at first. Give them room to expand and listen while they relax and get comfortable with the exchange.

             I suggest never getting angry during times of conversation. This adds to those body language messages we discussed earlier. By remaining calm we have a better chance of getting our thoughts out clearly. And as the listener, anger dulls the senses and makes really understanding much more difficult.

             With anything, this takes practice and it takes two people. If one is angry, neither is ready for a conversation. If one is distracted neither can communicate. And if one is incapable, neither have a chance to properly share.

             So, give listening a try and let me know what comes of it. You may get a surprise, you may find something you didn’t know or you may just connect better than ever before. In any case, let me know how it goes. Your story may be what helps the next reader have a better relationship.

 As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

 Bobby

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