Tag Archive for encouragement words

The Comfort of Avoidance

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We have a tendency in our society to point the finger at a particular issue and demand that it be corrected. In many cases this is through legislation whereby the elected politicians are made to create a law in order to correct the problem. I find it interesting when people demand a change in behavior and yet are not willing to do anything about it. In other words they take comfort in avoidance.

I’ve heard it said that secrets are the poison of any relationship. I have watched as families have torn themselves apart in order to keep their secrets. And in the end the poison kills the relationship. All involved become tainted and the infection rages out of control. More over the secret becomes public knowledge. So why bother?

We are programmed to be peace keepers. We like things to be calm and well maintained. Everyone should follow the rules and if the rules don’t fit, well let’s just change them. But never approach someone and open a dialogue. Why, they may be offended! Oh the shame of such a confrontation.

The comfort of avoidance is a short lived comfort. Just as a secret eventually poisons the relationship, so does avoidance. If you are willing to allow bad behavior because you wish to keep the peace, then make that choice and expect the same behavior from this point forward. If you are unhappy with your relationship but don’t want to rock the boat, then get used to the relationship the way it is.

Avoiding the confrontation (which should be a conversation) does nothing to solve the issue. It sweeps it under a metaphorical rug and allows it to fester becoming more poisonous than before. When dealt with directly the benefits far outweigh the initial discomfort.

The bottom line is taking responsibility for initiating the conversation. This includes having the integrity to say something, doing it with respect and creating a space for open dialogue. And done correctly, the relationship can be advanced rather than comfortable.

Don’t be afraid to say, “I want to discuss something with you. It is part of what is going on inside me and because I care about us. I want to have a conversation with you.”

Keep in mind that what ever happened is done and over with. He did this or she did that, it’s done. The point is to ask for a difference in the behavior based on what was left you you and the relationship. And that’s how you move forward, by looking to the future and creating a new outcome based on mutual agreement.

So why are we scared?

Don’t get comfortable, get results. Talk to each other and share.

I dare you.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Flight Attendant Relationship Management

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I recently took a vacation to Cancun, Mexico with my girl friend. We flew on a major airline direct from Charlotte, North Carolina to Cancun and I have to admit that there were more idiot fliers than I have ever seen at one time. People were refusing to check in prior to the flight. Some were not willing to wait in the appropriate lines. Many attempted to board the aircraft out of turn. Folks were having issues finding their seats. And the parade of lunacy just continued.

Once seated however, I was witness to the most amazing woman. A flight attendant named Beth who was in charge without offending anyone. It was incredible. Through all of the bitching, moaning and whining about luggage, seat assignments and whether we were going to have a meal or headsets, she kept her head about her. This woman was able to field questions, place people in seats and placate the ignorant without taking a breath. She was the Wonder Woman of the air lines.

As I watched she handled each complaint as if she was teaching school to third graders. Never getting upset or demeaning those in violation, Beth moved throughout the cabin with grace. She yelled without raising her voice. She demanded without ordering. She suggested as if it was the idea of the passenger. At one point an angry flier told Beth that he wanted to change his seat assignment (on a sold out flight) and she needed to make it happen. Her response was a brilliant as it was simple. She said, “This plane isn’t going anywhere until we are all seated. Let’s see if we can work it out because we are all in this together” He was so stunned by her lack of confrontation that he settled down and did exactly what she suggested. It was great to watch her command the passengers.

Once we were in flight, I took the opportunity to compliment her on the skill. I suggested that I might have put someone in a head-lock if I were confronted with the same. And her response again stunned me. “Well, I truly love my job and what I do” It was that simple. She was going to enjoy what she did, with or without the benefit of the passengers. Talk about taking responsibility for yourself!

I love finding people like this. they give me a reason to look at my own life and I love my life. Bu this woman had it all together and I was in awe. So Beth if your reading this, great job and keep doing what you’re doing. And to the rest of us, let’s try to find that one perfect place where we too can say, “I love what I do”…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Staying in the Conversation

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Here at RLA Advisors we constantly promote the need to openly discuss any and all issues as they arise. We ask that you jump into the mud of dialogue and get filthy dirty in the details. It can be messy and for that reason many people avoid continuing dialogue. A danger here is to think that one conversation has ended all issues and we can move on without follow up. On occasion this is possible, but if the reason for the discord is rather deeply seeded in our minds, then the continuation of conversation is very necessary.

Fixing one problem in a relationship is fulfilling and can set you on a track to happiness, but what happens if that fix was only a small bandage on a bigger problem? The issue will reoccur and that reoccurrence can lead to frustration.

Why doesn’t he understand? We just talked about this last month…

Why is she bringing this up again? didn’t we just cover this?

Intellectually we think that something has gone wrong with the original discussion and having another will not solve anything. We become resigned to having less than we desire with regard to our relationships. We find ourselves thinking, “It will always be this way”.

Actually it is the continuation of the conversation that smooth’s out the rough patches and repairs the relationship roads we travel. Consider the problem a pot-hole in the road we are on. If we keep going around the pot-hole and ignore repairing it, it will always be there and possibly increase in size. Openly talking about what the problem is will tend to fill the pot-hole little by little. After many conversations and choosing to understand, we have the ability to get this particular issue resolved and the road to happiness is a little less bumpy.

Keep Talking

Remaining in the conversation keeps all parties present to what happens to be there. Being aware helps the repair and allows everyone to stay on the same page with regard to the specific issue.

If two people talk about a vision for their relationship and allow years to pass before restoring the discussion, what possible roads have each of them taken without the other? Could it be that one went left and the other went right? One went around and the other went over? Could they have gone in complete different directions? We will never know without conversation…

Hang in There…

Our first book was released several months ago and it is designed to provide women insight into a man’s world. The book is titled Mancode Secrets Revealed – Relationship Advice For Women here is the link to purchase it on Amazon.com Mancode Secrets Revealed. Our second book is a guide for women to find a great partner and avoid the pitfalls of problematic men. This book is titled @$$holes to Zipper Heads – A to Z Guide For Finding A Man. Here again is the link to purchase it on Amazon.com @$$holes to Zipperheads. Both books have seen great success and have strong reviews. I highly recommend them for assistance with staying in the conversation.

Additionally, our latest book will be released in the next few weeks, titled The Meaning Making Machine. This book too is designed to provide insight into how we view ourselves and others with tools to assist in having and maintaining the conversation. Afterward, we will begin production of a fourth in this series to be released early in 2013. All of these are designed to help lead you to relationship success.

If your are a reader of our blog, then I assert you want to have success in your relationships. I suggest you buy the current books and the follow ups soon to be released. And let us know how it goes. Your success can be the one piece missing in another reader’s life. Share freely and allow others to benefit from your triumph!

Until next time…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

PS We are also in the process of publishing and promoting a few select authors for your entertainment. Keep a look out for a new erotic fiction series and an exciting drama/thriller series. We will provide additional details as the release dates get a little closer, but I assure you, these will be exciting and well worth the read.

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The Dumbest Thing I’ve Ever Heard!

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Have you ever heard someone say, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard”? Of course you have. And not only have you heard it said, it is more than likely that you have said it as well. And at the time it may have been appropriate, but I want to challenge the thought behind the message.

We have a very interesting listening mechanism built into us human beings. From an early age we are programed to hear things in ways that fit into our reality. In other words, if it doesn’t make sense to us, we sometimes belittle it or change it into something else. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard” is just a saying to get us into the normality that we feel comfortable with. Moreover, rather than clear up what was just said or have an open dialogue, we cut off all further conversation.

In his latest book Mancode Secrets Revealed, Jay Simcic covers this in great detail. If you haven’t read it yet, I suggest you pick it up at Amazon.com through the Kindle Store. It’s worth the read.

It explains that we seem to filter everything we hear through what we already know. By doing so, it is very limiting in how and what we learn. And just imagine what it means to our relationships…

Did You Hear That?

Since being in a relationship is emotional, we have our antenna up in order to catch the deeper meaning of the communications within them. Additionally, in a relationship we filter what we hear by how previous relationships have played out over time. We will hear something and reference how it was delivered before and convert the message directly to the “good” or “bad” of the prior situation. But the messages, although worded similarly could be miles apart from each other.

For instance, Ray and his former girlfriend Sarah had an argument that led to the ending of their relationship. Ray had gone out for the evening with some of his college buddies. They watched football and drank beer. One of the guys named Gary met a girl and went home with her. This particular guy was dating Sarah’s best friend. Some how, Sarah discovered Gary’s infidelity and shared it with her girlfriend. This of course, ended that relationship.

When Sarah confronted Ray about the incident, she demanded to know why did nothing to prevent Gary from going home with the other woman. Ray said he was helpless to prevent it and didn’t even know Gary had left with a woman until after he was gone. Sarah was angry hurt about what happened to her girlfriend and was taking it out on Ray. Over and over she would say, “You’re just like him” and “All men are the same”. Ray was not able to convince Sarah of his innocence and the relationship ended soon after.

From that point on, Ray was hyper sensitive to those two phrases, “You’re just like him” and “All men are the same”. When they were originally said by Sarah, the delivery was hostile, through yelling and a heated argument. And yet they never left Ray’s memory.

In his new relationship Ray’s girlfriend would often joke that “All men are the same”. And at first Ray was defensive about the statement. When he realized she was saying it in jest, Ray understood but didn’t like her use of the phrase. It was harmless but the memory was still rather painful. He always had to caution himself when his new girlfriend would use similar phrases in joking.

The Wrong Word in the Right Ear…

From time to time a phrase or saying may incite feelings that are not common with the statement. At these times it is important to dig into where the feeling come from and when they originated. Getting to the bottom of it will help with the feelings of today.

Remember, we listen through our programming filters and try to make the statements of today fit into what we know of days gone by. Try to work through what’s there and don’t be afraid to ask a question in order to have the statement put another way that will assist in getting past it.

There may not be any reason to get upset with the way someone said a particular phrase. Put one way and it may be the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard, re-worded and it may open up something to be explored.

Give it a try and let me know how it works out and if anything opens up for you.

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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The One Thing That Can Fix Your Relationship

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Take a moment and think about the one thing that could impact your relationships more than anything else. Thoughts of intimacy, sex, money may bubble to the surface. We all have different ideas of what makes a good relationship and what could make it better. I have heard women complain about not enough sex and too much sex. I have heard men complain about the same thing. Women often talk about lack of romance but don’t know how to get it from their men. Men say that romance never gets them any where with their women. And goes on and on. The complaints without solutions. Before long all we have is a complaint department with a “Take A Number” rotating sign. And just like in a department store when the clerk yells, “Next”, it does not mean that anything will get resolved. But you do get to voice your complaint.

So what is that one thing that will improve your relationship? It can be an elusive little thing. Fix one thing and another pops up. Solve one problem and another arises. But there is a magic bullet that can make the impact your searching for. And it will work in every situation, every time.

The Set Up…

Take a look at Mary and Steve, they are a married couple with no children. Both have careers, dreams and goals. They seem to be happy and enjoy life with each other. However, Mary had recently taken note that intimacy and sex had not been as frequent. Steve had been working a lot lately, coming home tired and many times he would shower and go straight to bed. He was spending more time away from Mary than ever in their married life.

Rather than talk with Steve she shared it with her girlfriend Amy. Over lunch the two of them rambled on about how men should and should not behave. They discussed what could possibly be “wrong” with Steve. Mary and Amy became convinced that Steve was either no longer interested in the marriage or was cheating with someone else.

The two women left the lunch date satisfied that they had gotten to the bottom of the “problem” but unhappy with what they now believed to be true.

On the other hand…

Steve had been pushing for a big promotion at work and was keeping a secret from Mary. This was an exciting time but the hours were wearing on him. He knew if this promotion came through, they could buy a house and start a family. He couldn’t wait to tell Mary, but he wasn’t going to spring it on her until he knew for sure. Steve was very proud of Mary because she didn’t put any pressure on him. She was so understanding when he came home tired and went right to bed. She was a great wife and he would be so happy to tell her the news when it finally happened!

Does This Sound Familiar?

Steve and Mary are exactly like every couple. They have things going on in their lives and for one reason or another, signals get crossed or misinterpreted. In this case, Steve is working hard to provide a better living and ultimately purchase a home and start a family. His excitement is what keeps him pushing forward. Mary misreads what is happening and validates her thoughts with a close girlfriend. Steve’s long hours and Mary’s interpretations will eventually bring them to battle. Worse yet, there was never really a problem.

We have a great ability to read into a situation that does not fit our reality. In this case, lack of intimacy was not the normal course. It led to thought of infidelity. This was shared and validated by a third party and now we have a huge problem where one never really existed.

The Magic Bullet…

So again, what’s that one thing that will improve your relationship?

If Mary had just talked to Steve and not let it get to the point of wild thoughts, there may have been a different outcome. If Steve had shared with Mary that his workload was going to greatly increase for a while, she may have understood. But when they both remain quite and refuse to discuss what going on, nothing can be resolved. The missing conversation is the Magic Bullet. A simple conversation can change just about anything. Find out what going on, don’t assume. Share openly and request the same from your partner., Talk it over and get to the bottom of what’s really going on. Don’t hide the truth and don’t hide from it.

Conversation is a funny relationship tool. When two people are openly sharing, there is very little that we see as problematic. Take the beginning of a relationship, people talk for hours, they are happy with the dialogue and never want it to end. As time goes on, we talk less. We seem to get comfortable knowing everything. So when an issue crops up, don’t hide from it. Talk like you did at the beginning of the relationship. Get curious and ASK! When you get your answer, you may be pleasantly surprised.

The tools of conversation are what we try to assist with here at RLA. We are passionate about the dialogue. We learn everyday from our relationships and our readers and we hope this benefits each of you. To get more informed and hone your skills, I highly Recommend Jay Simcic’s latest book Mancode Secrets Revealed. In it, Jay covers many of the things in this article but dives far deeper into the meanings and feelings behind what we do. One reader shared that this book not only helped her relationship, it has given her new tools to deal with friends, family and work associates. Check it out at the provided link. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

So, until next time keep this Magic Bullet handy for all relationship situations. Let me know how it goes. We want to hear your success stories.

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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