Imagine you’re at home with your partner. You can’t seem to get on the same page. You can’t seem to agree on anything. One minute he’s agreeing with you. And the next minute you are at each other’s throats.
You feel like you want to throw something at him. You have already yelled at the top of your lungs. If not you probably wanted to.
It doesn’t happen all the time but when it does it seems to linger like a case of bad breath. But you want to do something about it.
You don’t know what’s causing it but you are punishing each other on different levels as you go through this argument.
Let me share a story I was reading the other day that seems fitting…
A man well known for his prodigious greed and selfishness was brought before the judge, accused of corruption. The case was clear; the man was manifestly guilty. It only remained for the judge to decide upon the punishment.
The judge, a deeply wise and perceptive woman, considered the nature of the crime and the personality of the man she was dealing with. After a little thought, she looked at the convicted man and said, “I am going to offer you a choice. You may choose your punishment. Choose between these. The first punishment is to pay as a fine a thousand golden dollars. The second is to accept a hundred lashes across your back. The third is to eat ten kilos of raw onions.”
The convict was delighted. He could save his money and escape the pain of corporal suffering. “I’ll take the onions,” he shouted, a huge smile breaking across his face.
However, by the time he had finished just half of the first kilo of raw onions, his eyes were streaming, his thirst was raging, and his stomach felt as if it was going to burst.
“Please,” he pleaded, “spare me the onions. I’ll take the hundred lashes.” And so it was that the official appointed for this task picked up the lash and began to apply his art to the back of the convict. After no more than ten strokes, the convict could bear the pain no longer. He thought he would die.
“Please,” he pleaded, “spare me the lash. I will pay the thousand golden dollars.”
And so it was that the convict was punished in each of the three ways for his crime against society, and the judge’s insight into character and personality was shown to be profound.
Primary source: Nossrat Peseschkian.
General source: Oriental tradition.
As you can see the convicted man went through lots of punishment. And it wasn’t needed.
It’s similar to how we argue when things don’t go our way. First we have something to argue about. Then things are said that don’t feel good. That causes another level of suffering. That in turn causes thoughts and concerns about yourself, your partner, and your relationship.
Next thing you know you’re playing a movie in your head that send you into a deeper spiral of despair. It’s suffering that you don’t have to be going through.
When you consider that all of that can be stopped with a simple conversation you’ll realize how not significant the fight, argument, and suffering really was.
Consider in Bobby’s book, that you can get on Amazon, he talks about how to choose and deal with men. Don’t think that it only applies to single women. This applies even if you’ve been married for 60 years.
Because he talks about your world view and how it filters every decision you make. He talks about how you walk through life with a set way that causes the insignificant to become significant.
But there’s hope!
You’ll quickly realize from the book and this discussion that it all can be handled through an authentic two-way conversation. Once that begins you’ll start to uncover the hidden meaning you give things. You’ll see why you make things significant. You’ll understand that he said what he said and there isn’t much you can do about that except for react. And it’s in YOUR reaction that says how the rest of the conversation will go.
I want you to be aware of yourself and your thoughts of those around you. Remember, it’s how you see them that has you act the way you do.
Leave me your comments. Tell me what you’re dealing with and let’s begin to dissect the issues.
Love… to infinity and beyond.