Tag Archive for conflict

A Triple Punishment

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A Triple PunishmentImagine you’re at home with your partner.  You can’t seem to get on the same page.  You can’t seem to agree on anything.  One minute he’s agreeing with you.  And the next minute you are at each other’s throats.

You feel like you want to throw something at him.  You have already yelled at the top of your lungs.  If not you probably wanted to.

It doesn’t happen all the time but when it does it seems to linger like a case of bad breath.  But you want to do something about it.

You don’t know what’s causing it but you are punishing each other on different levels as you go through this argument.

Let me share a story I was reading the other day that seems fitting…

A man well known for his prodigious greed and selfishness was brought before the judge, accused of corruption. The case was clear; the man was manifestly guilty. It only remained for the judge to decide upon the punishment.

The judge, a deeply wise and perceptive woman, considered the nature of the crime and the personality of the man she was dealing with. After a little thought, she looked at the convicted man and said, “I am going to offer you a choice. You may choose your punishment. Choose between these. The first punishment is to pay as a fine a thousand golden dollars. The second is to accept a hundred lashes across your back. The third is to eat ten kilos of raw onions.”

The convict was delighted. He could save his money and escape the pain of corporal suffering. “I’ll take the onions,” he shouted, a huge smile breaking across his face.

However, by the time he had finished just half of the first kilo of raw onions, his eyes were streaming, his thirst was raging, and his stomach felt as if it was going to burst.

“Please,” he pleaded, “spare me the onions. I’ll take the hundred lashes.” And so it was that the official appointed for this task picked up the lash and began to apply his art to the back of the convict. After no more than ten strokes, the convict could bear the pain no longer. He thought he would die.

“Please,” he pleaded, “spare me the lash. I will pay the thousand golden dollars.”

And so it was that the convict was punished in each of the three ways for his crime against society, and the judge’s insight into character and personality was shown to be profound.

Primary source: Nossrat Peseschkian.
General source: Oriental tradition.

Source: Owen, Nick (2001-01-08). The Magic of Metaphor: 77 stories for teachers, trainers and thinkers (Kindle Locations 1529-1543). Crown House Publishing. Kindle Edition.

As you can see the convicted man went through lots of punishment.  And it wasn’t needed.

It’s similar to how we argue when things don’t go our way.  First we have something to argue about.  Then things are said that don’t feel good.  That causes another level of suffering.  That in turn causes thoughts and concerns about yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

Next thing you know you’re playing a movie in your head that send you into a deeper spiral of despair.  It’s suffering that you don’t have to be going through.

When you consider that all of that can be stopped with a simple conversation you’ll realize how not significant the fight, argument, and suffering really was.

Consider in Bobby’s book, that you can get on Amazon, he talks about how to choose and deal with men.  Don’t think that it only applies to single women.  This applies even if you’ve been married for 60 years.

Why?

Because he talks about your world view and how it filters every decision you make.  He talks about how you walk through life with a set way that causes the insignificant to become significant.

But there’s hope!

You’ll quickly realize from the book and this discussion that it all can be handled through an authentic two-way conversation.  Once that begins you’ll start to uncover the hidden meaning you give things.  You’ll see why you make things significant.  You’ll understand that he said what he said and there isn’t much you can do about that except for react.  And it’s in YOUR reaction that says how the rest of the conversation will go.

I want you to be aware of yourself and your thoughts of those around you.  Remember, it’s how you see them that has you act the way you do.

Leave me your comments.  Tell me what you’re dealing with and let’s begin to dissect the issues.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

 

Jay

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Don’t Like Me? Fuck Off.

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I was scrolling through my Facebook page when I came across this sign and thought about the simplicity of the message. It came from another Facebook page, here it is for you to check it out. Big Fake Titties, Guns & manly shit that’s gonna piss your girlfriend off.

We constantly write about the nature of relationships and what can be done to repair or correct them. We question who we are being and what actions have caused issues within our relationships. We press the subject of changing us and forget about the actions of others. But there is also a part of yielding that we seldom examine.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

I am a huge advocate for the advancement of free thinking. I suggest that each of us needs to occasionally step back and look at where we are in the journey of life. An objective view can bring interesting perspective to any subject or relationship. More importantly, it provides us an opportunity to look at an item without placing meaning on it.

Take a look at Christine and Derrick, they have two small children ages 4 and 7. The 7 year old boy constantly uses foul language and when unhappy will cuss at the parents. His teachers have asked Christine and Derrick to control their child because the same behavior is reported in the classroom. When Christine and Derrick address the problem, they simply talk to the boy and attempt to explain why his language is unacceptable. There is no punishment, just a conversation. Christine and Derrick fear that the child will not love them if he is punished in any manner and they choose to try to converse rather than manage him any other way. In addition, they have a rising fear that the younger child is beginning to behave in the same manner.

The meaning Christine and Derrick have placed on punishment is the the children will no longer love them. They have such a fear of loosing the children’s love that they are willing to run the risk of allowing their behavior to continue and grow. Whether they are correct or not, both Christine and Derrick have placed meaning on punishment and it has paralyzed them from action. I can assure you that my parents had no such fear and they doled out punishment often.

I encourage Christine and Derrick to step back and look at the bigger picture. Is it possible that they are allowing and encouraging the children to behave is such a way? Is it possible that the children see their acquiescence as a sign to continue? Is it possible that the meaning they place on punishment is really nothing at all?

This is just one example of how we yield in relationships to avoid problems.

The Other Side of the Coin

I challenge you to use your own judgment in any relationship to examine the real issues. Throwing up your hands and saying, “That’s just the way it is!” is not always the best solution. For instance, Christine and Derrick have other options but they choose not to employ them.

In our adult relationships the same is true. We have options to engage, get angry, converse, be silent, there is any number of methods but when is it enough? That’s the real question…

In the case of my childhood, if I had chosen to cuss at my parents, my father would have seen to it that this particular mistake was a one time occurrence. He was strict and we all knew what the acceptable parameters were of behavior. He was not worried about our loving image of him. I thank him for raising me to be who I am. Enough to him was somewhat smaller than to others.

As adults we sometimes see our options to be limited and we restrict ourselves from acting. Christine and Derrick seem very restricted. But what if you are in a hurtful and harmful relationship? When do you have enough? You must make that choice for yourself.

I suggest the same process, step back, take an objective look and take action. My personal view is that if the relationship is mentally or physically abusive, exiting has fewer consequences than remaining. And I mean this for any relationship, spousal, personal, working environment, a harmful relationship is just that and nothing more.

If you’ve done all you can do to get the relationship to a positive place, than what’s left?

Don’t Just Flip the Coin

I enjoy using the relationship strategies we teach here at RLA Advisors. I like knowing there are options to motivate and improve my relationships. But I also have to admit that not all people will be positively impacted every time.

I ask that you continue to utilize our techniques and attempt to improve your relationships.

But when all else fails and you don’t like me, fuck off. Problem solved.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

Once again I want to direct you to Jay Simcic’s latest book. Here’s the link to find it on Amazon.com: Mancode Secrets Revealed. I highly recommend it for all of our readers. It covers a ton of aspects that you could benefit from in your relationships. The reviews have been great and I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

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The Dumbest Thing I’ve Ever Heard!

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Have you ever heard someone say, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard”? Of course you have. And not only have you heard it said, it is more than likely that you have said it as well. And at the time it may have been appropriate, but I want to challenge the thought behind the message.

We have a very interesting listening mechanism built into us human beings. From an early age we are programed to hear things in ways that fit into our reality. In other words, if it doesn’t make sense to us, we sometimes belittle it or change it into something else. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard” is just a saying to get us into the normality that we feel comfortable with. Moreover, rather than clear up what was just said or have an open dialogue, we cut off all further conversation.

In his latest book Mancode Secrets Revealed, Jay Simcic covers this in great detail. If you haven’t read it yet, I suggest you pick it up at Amazon.com through the Kindle Store. It’s worth the read.

It explains that we seem to filter everything we hear through what we already know. By doing so, it is very limiting in how and what we learn. And just imagine what it means to our relationships…

Did You Hear That?

Since being in a relationship is emotional, we have our antenna up in order to catch the deeper meaning of the communications within them. Additionally, in a relationship we filter what we hear by how previous relationships have played out over time. We will hear something and reference how it was delivered before and convert the message directly to the “good” or “bad” of the prior situation. But the messages, although worded similarly could be miles apart from each other.

For instance, Ray and his former girlfriend Sarah had an argument that led to the ending of their relationship. Ray had gone out for the evening with some of his college buddies. They watched football and drank beer. One of the guys named Gary met a girl and went home with her. This particular guy was dating Sarah’s best friend. Some how, Sarah discovered Gary’s infidelity and shared it with her girlfriend. This of course, ended that relationship.

When Sarah confronted Ray about the incident, she demanded to know why did nothing to prevent Gary from going home with the other woman. Ray said he was helpless to prevent it and didn’t even know Gary had left with a woman until after he was gone. Sarah was angry hurt about what happened to her girlfriend and was taking it out on Ray. Over and over she would say, “You’re just like him” and “All men are the same”. Ray was not able to convince Sarah of his innocence and the relationship ended soon after.

From that point on, Ray was hyper sensitive to those two phrases, “You’re just like him” and “All men are the same”. When they were originally said by Sarah, the delivery was hostile, through yelling and a heated argument. And yet they never left Ray’s memory.

In his new relationship Ray’s girlfriend would often joke that “All men are the same”. And at first Ray was defensive about the statement. When he realized she was saying it in jest, Ray understood but didn’t like her use of the phrase. It was harmless but the memory was still rather painful. He always had to caution himself when his new girlfriend would use similar phrases in joking.

The Wrong Word in the Right Ear…

From time to time a phrase or saying may incite feelings that are not common with the statement. At these times it is important to dig into where the feeling come from and when they originated. Getting to the bottom of it will help with the feelings of today.

Remember, we listen through our programming filters and try to make the statements of today fit into what we know of days gone by. Try to work through what’s there and don’t be afraid to ask a question in order to have the statement put another way that will assist in getting past it.

There may not be any reason to get upset with the way someone said a particular phrase. Put one way and it may be the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard, re-worded and it may open up something to be explored.

Give it a try and let me know how it works out and if anything opens up for you.

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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The One Thing That Can Fix Your Relationship

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Take a moment and think about the one thing that could impact your relationships more than anything else. Thoughts of intimacy, sex, money may bubble to the surface. We all have different ideas of what makes a good relationship and what could make it better. I have heard women complain about not enough sex and too much sex. I have heard men complain about the same thing. Women often talk about lack of romance but don’t know how to get it from their men. Men say that romance never gets them any where with their women. And goes on and on. The complaints without solutions. Before long all we have is a complaint department with a “Take A Number” rotating sign. And just like in a department store when the clerk yells, “Next”, it does not mean that anything will get resolved. But you do get to voice your complaint.

So what is that one thing that will improve your relationship? It can be an elusive little thing. Fix one thing and another pops up. Solve one problem and another arises. But there is a magic bullet that can make the impact your searching for. And it will work in every situation, every time.

The Set Up…

Take a look at Mary and Steve, they are a married couple with no children. Both have careers, dreams and goals. They seem to be happy and enjoy life with each other. However, Mary had recently taken note that intimacy and sex had not been as frequent. Steve had been working a lot lately, coming home tired and many times he would shower and go straight to bed. He was spending more time away from Mary than ever in their married life.

Rather than talk with Steve she shared it with her girlfriend Amy. Over lunch the two of them rambled on about how men should and should not behave. They discussed what could possibly be “wrong” with Steve. Mary and Amy became convinced that Steve was either no longer interested in the marriage or was cheating with someone else.

The two women left the lunch date satisfied that they had gotten to the bottom of the “problem” but unhappy with what they now believed to be true.

On the other hand…

Steve had been pushing for a big promotion at work and was keeping a secret from Mary. This was an exciting time but the hours were wearing on him. He knew if this promotion came through, they could buy a house and start a family. He couldn’t wait to tell Mary, but he wasn’t going to spring it on her until he knew for sure. Steve was very proud of Mary because she didn’t put any pressure on him. She was so understanding when he came home tired and went right to bed. She was a great wife and he would be so happy to tell her the news when it finally happened!

Does This Sound Familiar?

Steve and Mary are exactly like every couple. They have things going on in their lives and for one reason or another, signals get crossed or misinterpreted. In this case, Steve is working hard to provide a better living and ultimately purchase a home and start a family. His excitement is what keeps him pushing forward. Mary misreads what is happening and validates her thoughts with a close girlfriend. Steve’s long hours and Mary’s interpretations will eventually bring them to battle. Worse yet, there was never really a problem.

We have a great ability to read into a situation that does not fit our reality. In this case, lack of intimacy was not the normal course. It led to thought of infidelity. This was shared and validated by a third party and now we have a huge problem where one never really existed.

The Magic Bullet…

So again, what’s that one thing that will improve your relationship?

If Mary had just talked to Steve and not let it get to the point of wild thoughts, there may have been a different outcome. If Steve had shared with Mary that his workload was going to greatly increase for a while, she may have understood. But when they both remain quite and refuse to discuss what going on, nothing can be resolved. The missing conversation is the Magic Bullet. A simple conversation can change just about anything. Find out what going on, don’t assume. Share openly and request the same from your partner., Talk it over and get to the bottom of what’s really going on. Don’t hide the truth and don’t hide from it.

Conversation is a funny relationship tool. When two people are openly sharing, there is very little that we see as problematic. Take the beginning of a relationship, people talk for hours, they are happy with the dialogue and never want it to end. As time goes on, we talk less. We seem to get comfortable knowing everything. So when an issue crops up, don’t hide from it. Talk like you did at the beginning of the relationship. Get curious and ASK! When you get your answer, you may be pleasantly surprised.

The tools of conversation are what we try to assist with here at RLA. We are passionate about the dialogue. We learn everyday from our relationships and our readers and we hope this benefits each of you. To get more informed and hone your skills, I highly Recommend Jay Simcic’s latest book Mancode Secrets Revealed. In it, Jay covers many of the things in this article but dives far deeper into the meanings and feelings behind what we do. One reader shared that this book not only helped her relationship, it has given her new tools to deal with friends, family and work associates. Check it out at the provided link. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

So, until next time keep this Magic Bullet handy for all relationship situations. Let me know how it goes. We want to hear your success stories.

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Relationship Patterns – Improve Your Relationship Now

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Today I’m doing things a little differently.  You get a video instead of a post.

In this video I begin to explore the idea of patterns in our lives and our relationships.  If you take a close look at your own relationships you may begin to notice the patterns you use over and over again.  Watch the video…

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If you can identify your own patterns and start to use them instead of allowing them to use you subconciously you may see a shift in how you view your relationships and how you view life.

Let me know what you think.  Leave your comments below.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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