Tag Archive for conflict resolution

Fault, Blame, Victimizing–How to Overcome Your Relationship Obstacles

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Relationship ConflictThere are times in our relationships that we feel stuck.  There are times in our relationships that we fight.  There are times when we are not very nice to our partner.  Then there are times when everything is going perfectly.  And it’s during the tough times that allow us to grow.  It is the tough times that point directly at what it is we need to go to work on.  And it’s only revealed to us when we are open to it. 

Let me tell you a short story.  It’s a good one that has been told many times before.  But the context of how you read/hear it today will be completely different than you heard it before.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.

Source: Stories To Make You Think

As you can see this story is about overcoming obstacles.  And before you walk away thinking that you’ve heard it before I’d like you to consider that maybe you haven’t heard it THIS way before. 

You see, we tend to live our lives in a world of fault and blame.  We point the finger at others when they “make us feel a certain way”.  We point the finger at ourselves when we “fail to perform” at something.  In the story above, the boulder is just another way to point the finger. 

“It’s not my problem.  The boulder was there when I got here.”

“The guy before me should have moved it.”

“Damn it, I don’t know how to move it.  I don’t have any tools.  I so useless.”

All of that could go through our minds.  And those same ways of thinking are what clog our brains in our relationships when things go wrong.

Now, if we approach our fights, arguments, and problems differently – more like the peasant – new opportunities for action may open up.  What if the next time an argument broke out you became the peasant.  Instead of fighting, reacting, blaming or pointing the finger you asked yourself…

“How can I use this as a learning opportunity?” 

“How can I act differently that may cause a different outcome in this situation?”

“How can I take responsibility for the current circumstance allowing me to regain power and move the conversation in a different direction?”

This is how you can begin to maneuver the boulder.  You now can have a choice when things don’t go your way.

When things don’t go as planned you can…

Be a victim, complain, bitch, moan, and blame either others or yourself

OR

You can create choice, look for new ways of acting that will allow you to learn from the experience and progress your relationship and partnership in the direction you want it to go.

It’s up to you now.  You have the choice.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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Improve Your Relationship-Give 100%

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Improving Your RelationshipIf you’re truly interested in improving your relationship, taking it to a new level, or starting off on the right foot then I urge you to read every word of this article.  Some of it may be confronting.  Some of it you may disagree with.  Some of it may even cause you to read even more.  Why? Because we’re getting into how we work as human beings.

The first thing I’d like you to consider is that YOU didn’t choose your partner.

Your past, your experiences, your reasons, and all that has happened to you over time made the decision for you on which partner to have.  I would even venture to say that it isn’t YOU who is in the relationship with your partner.  It’s all those things you’ve retrieved in the past that are running you at an unconscious level that decided who your partner should be.

According to an article from Psychology Today written by Sandra Brown, M.A., our default programing is what makes the decisions for us in our relationships. It indicates that we have hardware (our DNA) that makes up our traits and software (all the things we pick up in life) that guide us on what to do.  Here’s the part that really stood out to me…

By the time women contact The Institute, they are so exhausted by the lifetime of the pathological energy-sucking relationships that they are ready to do what it takes to stop this.  Simply stating “I am NEVER going to do this again. I am going to pick differently in the future” doesn’t register to your software program. It’s still set on the default pattern of selection it has been set on for years.  If you could look at the software settings internally it would look like this:

x  Narcissistic

x  Cheater

x  Pathological Lying

x  Charming and deceitful

x  Helps me ignore my red flags

x  Induces fantasy thinking of how my future MIGHT be

x  Honeymoon cycle followed by D&D (Devalue & Discard)

x Intense, intensely pursued

x Hypnotic, I can’t think or choose differently while with them

These might be some of the traits you are repeatedly selecting through your software default program.
In software programs, it’s noted that ‘Using defaults will tend to increase errors, as users may leave incorrect default settings selected.’

Hmmmmm… yeah. Can we agree that’s true? The difficulty in Pathological Love Relationship recovery is that women read a book or go to a counselor and talk about the pain of the relationship but never get down to the reprogramming of the software.  Hardware comes as it is and will always be there and you will always be ‘bent’ in a direction or proclivity for these relationships. BUT you can put in different software programming that will let you pick from a NEW SET of default choices and not automatically ‘defaulting back’ to what you have always chosen. You have to choose differently in order to get a different outcome.

Source:  PsychologyToday.com

With all that, I’m not saying the person you’re with is wrong for you. In fact, they’re perfect for you, in my opinion.  I’m not saying that where you’re at in your relationship needs to be fixed.  In fact, it doesn’t need fixing, it just needs a new view point to take it to a new level.

I am suggesting that where you are right now isn’t because you chose it from a clean slate.  I’m saying you got there because of some circumstance.  And whatever you are dealing with in your relationship right now can be worked on with ease and simplicity.

How can you do that?

First, take your relationship as-it-is.  Accept it for what it isn’t and what it is.  Stop comparing it to anyone else.  Stop comparing it to movies, friends, or anything for that matter.

Take it AS-IS.

Then give 100% and expect 0% in return.  Take your partner how they are with all of their plusses and all of their shortcomings combined.  Give everything you have and expect nothing back.  When you do this you may find yourself in a realm of giving you’ve never experienced before.  Give the level of unconditional love you would give to your own child or your parents.  That’s how you give 100% and expect nothing back.

Next, be present with them.  Be in the moment, listen to them, feel their words and the connection with them.  Take your intimacy to elite status.

Being 100% present is about ALL OF YOU being engaged with whoever you’re with – AND BEING IN THE MOMENT.

It is not a 100% focus on your spouse (or other person you’re with at the time), that will usually drive them away or creep them out.

Instead, it’s learning how to calm and soothe yourself so you can fully listen to others.

You can think and respond.

You can connect on a deeper level.

You can even practice being 100% present without either party saying a word.

Many times we reach out to our spouse (or others, or Facebook, Twitter, texts) as an attempt to calm our own anxieties or insecurities. We want them to positively engage us in some way because that will make US feel better about ourselves and/or our relationship.

At it’s core, this is an emotionally propping up. And over time, a person that has to be emotionally propped up becomes very unattractive.

Being present is learning how to listen, think, emote, respond, act, and/or choose appropriately in any situation.

Try this:

Practice becoming more aware of your own level of presence as you go throughout your day.

When you talk to someone on the phone, don’t do something else while talking.

When you engage with someone in person, practice being still and listening.

You don’t have to engage and respond right away, after all you’re not in a tennis match with them – you’re in a conversation. Silence and pauses are okay.

Give up on the idea of multi-tasking – you wind up doing more things poorly rather than one thing well. Embrace the idea of sequential-tasking. What ever it is you’re doing or involved in, commit completely to it. Then disconnect and move to the next thing and fully connect there.

This will begin to pave the way for you to act more from your core and your values (i.e. the best in you), rather than your anxiety, in every situation.

Source: SimpleMarriage.net

The only thing I’ll add to that is that being present includes you getting in tune with your partner’s emotions, thoughts, and listening of you.  When you begin to get so present you can be with a person the way they are and they way they are not, you’ll find yourself taking your relationship to profound status.

I remember a moment of presence for me.  We were sitting at the dinner table.  It’s my wife, my daughter, and me.  My mind was empty and I was concentrating and being with both of them.  I wasn’t listening, while thinking of what I had to do at work.  I wasn’t listening, while wondering how tomorrow was going to go.  I was listening, intently, with focus, and 100% with them. I was connected on a new level.

It does take practice.  I do forget sometimes.  But adding that to my relationships both intimate, friendships, and business has taken them to a place that can only be felt.

To me it’s a simple formula:

Being present + Giving 100% of your love and emotion and expecting 0% = An enriched relationship with ever lasting love and affection.

A mentor of mine said, “The only person in every situation that can make a change is YOU.”

You see, we always want people to change.  We can’t make people around us change.  We can only change ourselves.  In fact, I don’t even think we change ourselves.  We change our view of how things are and our actions follow suit.

How do you like them apples?

Let me know what you’re thinking.  Tell me what you want to discuss. Love?  Intimacy?  Sex?  Let’s get it out so the RLA team can write about it.

Love… to infinity and beyond!

Jay

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