Avoid Arguments About Your In-laws By Taking Responsibility

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couple crisisXSmallImagine Sally comes home from work, her husband Jack is sitting on the coach reading a book. 

Sally mentions to Jack, “My mom and dad wanted to know if they could come and stay with us for two weeks.  I hope you don’t mind but I told them it would be fine.”

Jack puts down his book and glares at Sally. 

“You told them it would be fine without talking to me first?”

“What does it matter, you would have said yes anyway.”

“That’s not the point. You never give me the courtesy of asking first and always assume that it’s ok.  It’s BS and I don’t like it.”

“Whatever!”

Jack leaves the house and doesn’t come back for hours.  When he does come home Sally smells alcohol on his breath. 

They don’t speak for the next day and a half.  And when Sally’s parents arrive Jack is cold, standoffish, and doesn’t want to have anything to do with any of them.

What’s going on in this situation?  Why does Sally find that it’s ok to allow her parents to come over without first checking with Jack?  Why does Jack get so upset when Sally invites her parents over?

There are several issues at work here.  There are tons of things you can speculate on.

Maybe Sally just wants to spend time with her family.  Maybe Jack feels like a 2nd class citizen and has no say in his own house.  Maybe Sally doesn’t like it when Jack treats her and her family the way he does.

As you can see, there are many avenues that can be taken.  The question becomes, if you’re in a similar situation how could you handle it?  How would I coach these two people toward resolution.

The first thing I would do is help both Jack and Sally realize that they control their own emotions.  Jack didn’t make Sally mad and Sally didn’t make Jack mad.  They did it all on their own.  They need to be RESPONSIBLE for their own actions, feelings and emotions.

You see, often times we blame others and say that they “made us feel that way”.  It’s all BS and is our human mechanism for not being responsible.  The why of it all I’ll discuss some other time.  For now I’d like you to consider that we all do it as a learned survival mechanism. 

How would YOU coach Jack and Sally in their relationship?

In this case I would suggest to Sally that she first ask Jack what is going on in his mind when she invites her parents over.  I would suggest that Sally let Jack vent, talk, and get anything he needs to say out on the table until he feels understood by Sally.  It’s critical that Sally understands where Jack is coming from and leaves him with the feeling of being understood.

I would recommend that Jack do the same for Sally.  Ask her why she doesn’t feel like it’s necessary to check with him first.  What gets her upset when he goes out and has a few drinks after an argument.  He should allow her to talk, vent, and say anything she needs to.  Jack should leave Sally feeling as if he understand her completely. 

They both should listen openly and without judgment.  They should listen with out agenda except to fully understand the other person.  When they do that and they are honest about their feelings and thoughts, more than likely the will have new openings for action to take toward their relationship specifically in this area of life.  They will gain a new found connectedness and relatedness toward each other and handle the situation different next time.

Everything that I mentioned here is totally hypothetical yet probably fits your life in some way.  I’m sure in some area you can apply what I’ve talked about here.  When you can see that, be honest about seeing that and then talk to your partner about those things, that’s when your relationship will grow exponentially. 

And that reminds me about Bobby’s new book that is out on Amazon Kindle.  He covers many aspects of dealing with and choosing a man.  One of the principles I’ve talked about here, specifically taking responsibility for yourself, is covered extensively and I think you would get a lot from it.  I’d like to you to get a copy for yourself and read it and tell me what you think either as an Amazon review or here on the blog.  The book is called @$$holes to Zipperheads – A to Z Guide For Choosing A Man and you can pick up on Amazon today.

As always,

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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The Professor and Interpersonal Relationships

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Last week, I had the privilege of sitting in a class room at Appalachian State University. It was Friday morning, 9:00AM and the room had just finished a test. The lecture hall was full with 55 students present. The professor, Jan Woods, was teaching accounting and as I said, the room was full! On a Friday! Many lecture halls we either empty or woefully under attended. What the hell was going on. These kids were supposed to be ready for the weekend and a Football game. And yet they were all here and engaged in the conversation.

Now, let’s cover all of the details; Jan Woods has been voted “Most Likable Professor” on several occasions, she has a score of 4.4 on Rate My Professor.com and the real key is that she loves what she does. She has been teaching at the University for more than ten years and it DOESN’T show. Jan acts as if each day is her first. As I watched, the students never got off track, they listened intently and asked pointed questions. Every interaction was met with equal enthusiasm. No question was out of line or considered irrelevant. These kids were there because they wanted to be there, not because of any parental obligation.

The time went by at a blinding pace and before I knew it, the class was over. I was disappointed to see it end. And apparently, so were several of the students. When class was dismissed, there was no mad rush to the doors. Every other class I had ever attended finished with students closing their books, gathering materials five minutes prior to the end of the session, and assuming a runners stance in order to sprint out the door. Nothing of the sort on this day. The students causally collected their things only after being dismissed. They milled around, chatted and several remained after to discuss issues with the latest assignments. They’re in college, so I know they realize it’s Friday. RUN!!! Be free! It’s the weekend…

And Jan stayed to speak with each one who needed her advice. She shared her schedule and gave them additional times to see her if needed. Without hurry, she shared herself with every student and only when they were gone, did we leave also. It was a stark difference from what I had been used to in my collegiate days.

The REAL Difference…

As fascinating as it was to watch and be part of the interactions between Jan and her students, there was nothing secret about what the real difference was. You see, Jan loves her students and they love her. She makes it personal to teach them and accepts the responsibility as both a privilege and an honor. What happens after that is the magic. Accounting and Introduction to Business have the potential to be the most boring classes of a students career. The information is dry and very little changes from one year to the next. And yet you could never tell while in her class room. The magic is really in the relationship.

The dawning realization washed over me, that this is what everyone should strive to achieve. We are all teachers in our own worlds. We teach and learn from each other on a daily basis. It can be our work relationships, our friends and families and of course, our own children. However, accepting the responsibility as both a privilege and an honor is the challenge. It is only through the love of the experience that we can preform to the Level Professor Woods has achieved.

Consider that every interaction sends a message out into the world. When we deal with associates at our work place, they in turn, go home and the impact is either shared or indirectly transferred to their families. They take this new experience and pass it along as well. We see this more clearly in teaching as with Mrs. Woods. The students accept the lessons from her, but more importantly, they accept them willingly through the spirit of her teaching. They help each other with assignments and are eager to share. Her impact goes far into the world in that she is preparing these students for a life journey. And so are we with our families and especially our children.

Making a Difference…

Knowing the power of relationships, it gives me pause to look at what’s going on in my world and see what impacts I am making on those within my circle of influence. I challenge you to do the same. We can not hide from the fact that we touch others everyday and in ways we may not see or understand. Ask yourself; what message and I sending my children? Am I being the person I want others to see as? Are my actions in accordance with my expectations? Am I who I want to be?

Think about the message into the world as you teach a child to read, to play a musical instrument, to play with others or to love. Your message will carry on for years to come. That same child will absorb and translate what he has learned, so consider making it something you wish to have returned to you. Your message will live on in the heart and minds of those you touch and there is no exception.

The ongoing theme of our writings here at RLA Advisors is communication. Talk, discuss, communicate do what it takes to make better relationships and enjoy each other. At the same time, we understand that changing the world means changing ourselves. We have no power to force a change upon another human being, but if we choose to behave differently, then we will receive something in return. Don’t like what you see in others? Look within and make a change. If that doesn’t do it, don’t be afraid to repeat the process.

Last weeks article was about the power of choice and here again, that choice resides solely within us as individuals. Choose to be that person who makes a difference. I know Jan does and I can’t thank her enough for her efforts.

Now go make a difference in the lives of people you love. Let me know your success stories. What you do touches and moves the universe. Be kind and see what you get in return…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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The Journey For Choosing The Right Man

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DriverXSmallImagine you’re setting out on a journey. You are heading to Disney World for a week of fun and entertainment. You pack your things, lock the house, and get in the car. You start up the engine and look down the road.

In that moment you realize you don’t a have map, directions to get there from where you are, or a GPS to help you. You’re obviously not going to get there in the most efficient way possible.

Most people would say that is how we travel through the life of our romances and relationships. No guide or directions, we just wing it in hopes we’ll get to the destination we want.

I would like you to consider that it’s actually worse than that. Here is the scenario that I believe is more accurate. You’ve got a map, you’ve got a GPS and you’ve got directions to get to Disney World. And here’s what they look like.

Your grandparents handed down the map. They used it in the 1970’s when Disney World first opened and passed it down to your parents and then your parents to you. It’s all yours and you think it’s accurate and up to date. Why would your parents give you something that was incorrect? Right?

Your GPS was given to you from someone who had trouble with it and thought you could use it. To you it seems normal. It doesn’t look like anything is wrong with it. It’s just used.

The directions were given to you by your father, your previous boyfriends, and other male figures who you loved and had trust in to give you the right directions. You learned a few directions from each as you went along until you had what you thought as a full set.

What I’m suggesting here is that you’re driving toward a destination relationship with old, out dated equipment, that needs updating. In fact, the map or blueprint you’ve been using to guide you through the maze of relationships more than likely isn’t even half yours. You’ve acquired them from others along the way. Much of it is made up and you probably wouldn’t even get to where you were going.

As you read this book you will begin to see new openings in how you’ve picked men in the past, how it may have been on autopilot and how you can recreate your own map for relationship success right now. What’s even more powerful is you can now pass on an accurate map, directions and GPS to those you love.

Enjoy this journey and eye opening read.

Go check out Bobby McFadden’s newest release on Amazon Kindle.  It will be an eye opening experience.  Go get it.

@$$holes To Zipper Heads – The A to Z Guide For Choosing A Man!

I promise you won’t ever forget it.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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Vegetarians, Relationships and the Power of Choice

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I don’t know how many of our readers will truly get the point here, but I had to share it. I welcome comments and questions. I want you to have the same freedom I have discovered in my relationships. Being capable of choosing brings me a sense of comfort and ease that I have never before experienced. I hope that I haven’t missed the mark. Please let me know…

It has been said that the greatest gift we have as human beings is that of choice. I agree but what does that really mean?

Recently, I had a wonderful conversation with a close friend. I always enjoy her dialogue, she is insightful and challenges me to think. As a vegetarian, she makes a moral decision about what she will and will not eat. Further, she attempts to limit or remove any animal products from her life style. I commend her. Although I am not a vegetarian,  I often ask about new information regarding the diet.

During our latest discussion she suggested that eating anything was simply a moral decision. I was somewhat confused and asked for clarification. Her thoughts (correctly,I might add) were,  societies place morals on what is eaten and what is not. For instance, at one time cannibalism was practiced,  dog is consumed in several countries and horse meat is a staple in many different regions. Each area or society deems what they feel is a correct moral value on what is regularly eaten.

I was greatly intrigued by the thought of morality incorporated it deciding and choosing. But what I discovered surprised me.

The Morality of Being Moral

Doing the right thing is what it’s all about. But who gets to decide what’s right?

Dictionary. com defines morality as follows:

mo·ral·i·ty [muh-ral-i-tee, maw-]

noun, plural mo·ral·i·ties .

1. conformity to the rules of right conduct; moral or virtuous conduct.

So if I get this right, morality is just conforming to the rules of being proper. And those rules are changes or modified based on who sets them. Okay, I get that. How can we be moral if the code for being so changes in every social circle? What is truly right and do I use my own morality in every choice or decision I make?

My head was spinning letting me know that this was a good question…

Deciding the Truth

Searching for an answer I began to review choices I had made. I thought about eating a dog, a horse or other items deemed to be unacceptable here in the United States. I considered that I made those choices freely but based on my own morality. Yes, I used my morals to guide me to an end conclusion many times. Each new consideration was one moral decision after another. What was right verses what was wrong. Deciding the best way to go about something without getting into trouble.

Was it possible that every decision I made was morally based? If so, how could there be any possibility of free choice? Another conversation with an RLA Advisor revealed the secret I was searching for.

Decision is the act of selection based on reason. In other words deciding what should or should not be done within ones personal moral beliefs. I had not been choosing, I had been deciding. And the difference was incredible. If we base our decisions on reasons, what happens if the reasons change?

Decision Verses Choice

The impact of what happened next was profound. I realized that I had not been choosing, I had been deciding. The difference is extreme. Choosing something or someone is a powerful thing. It is done because I say so and there is no reason to it. Choosing is a gift of the greatest magnitude and mistaking it can have a horrible consequences.

The best way to describe it would be with the thought that lingered in my mind. “I choose to go to work every day” It seemed to make sense to me until I said it again, “I choose to go to work every day for my family” It still felt good to say it but the difference was, I was deciding based on a set of circumstances. I was not choosing! What scared the hell out of me was, what if I no longer enjoyed my job? Would I resent the job or would I resent my family? And there it was, basing anything on the set of reasons was not a choice it was a decision. If the morality of the decision changed, so be it, but there is no power.

Additionally, the reasons are limiting. If I loose my job, or get divorced what happens to the decision regarding my job. The mentality has to change because the reasons I implied have disappeared. I had to rethink the process and find empowerment within choice.

I do believe that the greatest gift we have as human beings is that of choice. But, I also feel that we overlook what it means to truly choose. If a reason is involved it is not a choice. Don’t be fooled by reasoning it out. Get past it and make the effort to choose and see what happens.

Consider what this will do for your relationship. I choose my girlfriend because I choose my girlfriend. There is no reason. The choice is mine and no one else’s. There is no reason or circumstances that force or guide me. I choose because I choose. If you wish you can do the same it creates a space for the choice and nothing else. What you choose will stand on it’s own and there will never be a reason governing the choice.

I honor my wife because I choose to honor my wife.

I honor my husband because I choose to honor my husband.

I love my children because I choose to love my children.

I go to work because I choose to go to work.

The power of choice is the greatest gift we have and yet understanding it can be incredibly difficult. So go out and choose, don’t decide, don’t reason, and don’t be moral. Just simply choose because it is what you want, nothing more. The freedom is unparallelled.

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Can The Pec Pop of Love Save Your Relationship

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Can the “Pec Pop of Love” save your relationship through it’s subliminal message?

This message is for both women and men.  In fact this message is just as much for me as it is for you.  Watch an read and you’ll understand.

Watch this clip and we can discuss it when it’s over…

The clip you just watched is from Journey 2:  The Mysterious Island.  One of the main characters is played by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  He goes on a journey to bond with his step son.  It’s a nice family movie that is fun to watch.  But the key scene you just watched is funny and effective in it’s subliminal message.

You see, Dwayne’s character is dispensing some advice to his step son on how to land the hot girl who is stuck on the island with him.  The boy can’t stand it.

The truth is… there may be some truth to the “Pec Pop of Love” if you take it to another level of understanding.

First, it’s not so much the Pec Pop that’s going to do the trick but the physique, exercise, and commitment it takes to get in shape.

You’re probably wondering how all this comes together but let’s look at some of the benefits of being physically fit and exercising on a regular basis.

  • Exercise is known to reduce depression for both men and women.
  • Physically fit people tend to have a higher stamina in the bedroom.
  • Physically fit people tend to have higher confidence in themselves.
  • That confidence they now have comes across in everything they do and are sexy to the opposite sex.
  • exercise and depression

Those are some great side benefits if you ask me.  Confidence, feeling sexy, higher performance in the bedroom… you can’t ask for more than that for the side benefits of anything.  I don’t know one pill, even the “blue pill” that can do all that.

I’m going to add to the list above for what exercise can do for your relationship…

  • Working out together gives each of you more attention on each other.
  • Working out together allows you to have planned showers together.
  • Working out together gives you a reason to add post workout massages to your agenda.
  • Discover what makes each other relax after a hard workout.
  • Plan to have sex after your workout and while you’re already sweaty.
  • Increase the number of conversations you have on a weekly basis because you’re working out together.
  • Talk more often about important topics while you’re de-stressing at the same time.

As you can see, adding exercise routines together can not only improve your physique, stamina, and confidence, it can bring you and your partner closer together in ways you may have never seen before.  This exercise plan you start doing may open up new conversations.  You may grow confident in each other sexually and start exploring new things.  You may begin to see the benefits of conversation, exercise, and the overall benefits of being TOGETHER.

Now can you see how my thoughts of how the Pec Pop of Love can save your relationship?

I would love to hear your Pec Pop story.  Send us some of your hot, sweaty, workout stories.  I want all the gory details.  Has exercise improve your relationship?  Let us know.

Now, obviously you can see there was a physical aspect to this post and a conversational aspect.  If you’re at all interested in improving your relationship, go grab our new book that is out on Amazon Kindle.

Get it here:  Mancode Secrets Revealed:  Relationship Advice For Women

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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Spicing Up Your Sex Life

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Having hotter sex is an ongoing discussion here at RLA Advisors. Time and again we are asked the same question, “What do you suggest?”. When it comes to improving sex there is no “one size fits all” methodology. Sex is an exercise that requires practice and skill just like most physical activities. Few achieve perfection their first time out. It is important to hang in there and keep trying, but at the same time, get better.

Although not one thing works for everyone, we have a few suggestions.

Be Patient

Don’t rush, be patient with yourself and your partner. There is nothing wrong with a “quickie” but it doesn’t have to happen every time. Take the time to explore yourself and your partner. If you are uncomfortable with either, the experience can be less than thrilling. Knowing your body and your partners makes it easier to find all the right spots.

Caress, fondle and examine. Slowly move from one spot to the next. Take more of an interest in the areas that stimulate your partner. And don’t assume that you know every point that he or she likes. With exploration you may just find a few more.

If You Don’t Know, Ask…

Get comfortable with asking questions. During sex it can be exciting to ask if something feels good. Make a game of it and assist each other with the delightful chore of discovering new pleasure spots. One interesting experiment is to create a list of known pleasure areas for each of you. Once completed, share the lists and explore each other without touching any of the listed regions. Place a time limit on this game because it has the tendency to get hot, quick. When the time is up, go for it!

Asking about sex and erogenous zones with your partner can be a little intimidating at first, but in time this should dissipate. Keep each other engaged in the conversation and you will dive deeper into the discussion every time. Each question and answer should be exchanged without any judgment or prejudice. If you don’t know, you have to get the information from somewhere. What better source than the partner you are trying to please?

Getting the Conversation Going

Outside of the bedroom is my favorite place to discuss sex. And I highly recommend it to others. It forces the dialogue to take a different tone and shape. As you are not in the act, the pressure to perform is removed. Since you are not in “performance mode” you get the chance to discuss and exchange ideas without the benefit of doing right then and there (although this has been known to happen on occasion).

The best and most interesting part of the discussion is your imagination. As you begin to talk about what turns you on, what ideas you have, what you have read or seen, the mind reels with the erotic excitement of the conversation. And being excited makes it easier to talk about. Many studies have been done with regard to the human mind and sexual stimulation. It is proven that we respond to question different when we are turned on. And the more we are sexually excited, the more inclined we are to be open about what we think and feel.

Getting into and keeping the conversation going is a great enhancement to sex. I suggest that if either of you are dispassionate about your sex life, discuss it. But let’s not talk about what’s not working. Dwelling on the dysfunctional part tends to highlight just that.  Concentrate on the good stuff even if you have never made it part of your sexual encounters. Commit to each other to be open and honest and schedule a dinner out, away from the house and plan the evening discussion.

Throughout dinner share sexual likes and desires, no matter how crazy or erotic. Don’t judge just accept the conversation as a simple discussion and see where it goes. Ask question about what you are listening to. Get into the nitty gritty of the ideas. Share the eroticism and the fantasies you each have. You may find that you have some ideas in common, but at the very least, you should have an exciting, sexually charged conversation.

Continue on the drive home and enjoy the rest of the evening. Because conversation is the best foreplay.

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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