Are Men Intelligent?

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Who Are Men?

           The question has been asked for as many years as there have been men and women coexisting. We are driven to figure things out, find the meaning or just place meaning on things. This includes actions and behaviors. The funny part is that many times we, as men, don’t mean anything by what we do.

 Really?

            Then why do women get so upset by our lack of consideration for them or our poor behavior and habits? The easy answer is women don’t understand us. More to the point, women expect better from their man. Another reason, women tend to interpret our actions and behaviors into something other than we intend them. The women I speak to about this subject gravitate to a place where in they want men to behave like women. Not really like a woman, but think and care the way a woman does. See the problem?

            So, who are men? When is comes to relationships, we are providers, builders and breeders. Very basic, very easy and very clear, we are simple and don’t try to make us complicated. We hate that! When a woman tells a man that he is thinking complicated thoughts about the relationship, STOP!!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE NOT! Don’t make it into something that it’s not. We want to provide for our families, we want to build for them (house, education, transportation, recreation) and we want sex. It really is that simple. We can have big dreams and desires but basically we do what we do for these simple reasons.

 What We Do…

            Men tend to have a lack of focus on day to day things within a household the way women do. It doesn’t make us bad, it’s just is how we are. We don’t start the day off thinking about how we are going to piss off our women, but many times it seems that way. Take for instance, a man returns from a day at work, he walks into the house with dirt on his shoes and dirties up the freshly cleaned floors. None of us want for this type of situation to occur, but it happens and we, as men, know we do such things. It doesn’t mean we intended to do it, it doesn’t mean we love our women any less, it doesn’t mean we don’t value a clean home, It just means we didn’t think about it before we did it. And, getting upset about it won’t make it better for us or you.

            I get feedback from many women complaining that their men don’t tell them that they love them. Through follow up conversation it becomes clear the men actually do say “I love you”, but women want it in a manner consistent with their emotions. They want passion and romance brought into the phrase rather than a statement of ones dedication to the other. As men, when we say “I love you”, we mean it. It is the expectation of how the message is delivered that becomes the problem.

 What is Interpreted…

             Women have most of the power in any healthy relationship with a man. If you believe, as I do, that men are driven by the desire to provide, build and breed, then as women, you can guide and coach the entire relationship. But, if you choose to get angry when we do something the way us men do, well, then you give up your power and allow the relationship to be driven by our lack of understanding and we get hurt, disappointed and retreat into our shell.

             When we dirty the floor unknowingly, you can choose to yell or, you can calmly point it out and ask us to correct the problem. And guess what the better outcome will be. When he says “I love you”, you get to choose to accept it or argue the point. Consider we are simple creatures and telling us we are wrong will only reduce the effort we put forth. A more pleasurable conversation might be to thank him for the thought and suggest if he were to improve the manner in which he extolled his affections, perhaps he would be rewarded. In any case, women have the power in the relationship. Choose to coach or choose to give up the power by being angry. It is not the easiest habit to form and it takes practice, but the rewards are worth the effort.

             I personally have been told that I did not load the dishwasher correctly and that rinsing the dishes before putting them into the machine was not necessary. This went on for years; it caused actual fights between us. Do you think I wanted to continue to clean and load the dishwasher? Hell NO! And all I really wanted was a thank you. I eventually quit doing anything with the dishes and yet the power was all hers. She chose and was rewarded.

             So understand that we have very limited ideas and thoughts about our relationship with you ladies. We love you and want to do what’s right. By guiding us through our mistakes and coaching us with regard to our short comings, you maintain power and get far better results. Remember that we are simple in this aspect of life. Don’t make us into something that we aren’t and don’t view our errors as a personal affront to you. We mean you no offense and are very willing to be trained under the right circumstances and reward system.

 Give it a try and let me know what you experience. If it’s not working perfectly right now, what do you have to loose?

 And, as always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear.

 Bobby

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Men And Women Read Minds Poorly

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Mind reading Nothing is ever the way it seems.

Our brains are amazing computers that keep us going.  It keeps us alive.  It protects us.  It gives us fight or flight.  It allows us to analyze information as we get it and make important decisions.

It also helps us read the minds of others.  It’s a useful tool because we can anticipate things in life.  We get a feeling when something is going to happen.  We react to things that we didn’t SEE.

But when it comes to emotional things like love, relationships, and sex it’s not so effective.

Our brains tend to make up things for what it doesn’t know or understand.  That’s to say that we make things up when we don’t have a clear picture.  And what’s neat is that we don’t know that we made it up.

For instance… A friend of mine had a intimate experience with a guy.  He was up front with her and said that he didn’t want a relationship.  But the rules of that game were not spelled out ahead of time.

So there was a lot of mind reading going on.  He makes her feel good and they end up being very intimate.  In the end she felt an emotional connection.  He likes her but not to have a long term relationship.  The intimate setting allowed her mind to believe that he wanted more to the relationship than he actually did.

Now she’s playing tricks on herself on whether he likes her the same.

Here’s what I have to say.  She has to take responsibility and note that she is in control of her feelings.  He did what he did and she made herself feel a certain way.

That will give her the power to make decisions about this man instead of reacting to a situation.

But that’s not all.  I suggest that the communication be much more clear about what each other wants. If he really only wants a physical relationship, he should state that clearly up front.  It should be arranged as such and if anything changes then that can be communicated.

She should ensure the communication is clear about what SHE wants and what she intends on getting.  When you communicate you’ll be able to see what is really there and work with what you really have.

Knowing this sometimes makes no difference. So…

How can you be proactive in the face of your brain that makes up what it wants?

What should happen is a two way communication that delivers the message intended and that represents what you both want out of the relationship.  It’s not fair to either of you if you hold anything back.

You see, if we don’t communicate our brains will fill in the blanks with whatever it wants.  You can’t know what another person is thinking unless you’re straight and ask them.  That’s why authentic communication is fundamental to every relationship.

It does take effort and sometimes you don’t want to say what you should say.  Our filters and mind reading capabilities go into overdrive.  We start to find evidence that supports our thoughts.  It’s crazy but true.

That’s why it’s extremely important to keep the communication lines open and honest.  Don’t hold anything back.

I would love to hear our thoughts on this subject so please leave a comment or any questions you may have below in the comments section.

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The Language of Love

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Warning: If you are easily offended by language, profanity or open discussion about sex, love and/or relationships, read no farther. This post is for those open minded people who wish to have a conversation about their personal lives in an effort to improve them and those who engage in the discussion with them. Again, if you are easily offended, STOP READING NOW!!!!!!!!

The Personalities of Conversation

As human beings it’s natural to interact and communicate with each other. We have conversations as groups both small and large. We share thoughts with acquaintances and intimate details of our lives with close friends and family.

 Our mission here at Relationship, Love & Sex Advice is to stimulate conversation and open a dialog for better and more thoughtful communication. We want everyone to jump in and share in the discussion. In some cases, this will be the only avenue for people to get an honest answer to a question, and that’s fine with us. Our staff and guest writers will never hide behind a politically correct veil. Instead, we will shoot you right between the eyes with the most candid response we can fire off.

 For me it is personal, in that, I have a love affair with the English language. I find it to be a thing of beauty and if used correctly will return positive results no matter what the discussion. As you read further, you may find this a bit odd given what I intend to cover here today. You see, language takes on different personalities depending on when and where used. Many disagree with me on this point and feel one should always be as proper as possible. I suggest otherwise.

 Consider when we attend church; our language is appropriate for the event. We wouldn’t be caught saying, “Damn nice sermon today, Father”, of course not! When going to a sporting event, we generally have looser vernacular than during our time at the office.  Golfing tends to bring out euphemisms that normally would be frowned upon in other areas of polite society. And when I served in the military, I was not politely asked to obey a command, I was told to move my ass and get it done! Different language personalities for different areas of life.

Here’s my issue

We see this within ourselves and we know that we change our lexicon to fit the place, time and environment. So why is difficult for us to discuss love, sex and relationships without feeling like our forth grade librarian just entered the room with a pocket full of detention slips? You know exactly what I mean. We tend say words like penis and vagina through a whisper so thin they could barely be heard in a sound proofed room. A different language personality for a different discussion, and be happy to engage in the conversation.

We need to proud of dialog and learn from each other, especially our lovers. Don’t whisper the words, find out what is acceptable, get comfortable using them and define boundaries. I’m not suggesting getting vulgar, but this is love and sex we are talking about. It’s messy, dirty and invigorating, accept it and get used to it. Talk about it and decide with your partner what is acceptable and what is off limits.

Is it okay for a man to text his partner, “I want to have my mouth on your pussy tonight”? I think so, but that’s me. And using the word vagina in this context is just a mood killer. Should she be comfortable texting back, “And I want some cock too”? Yes, if that’s what turns them on, but using the word penis should be criminal. They are just words and they fit perfectly in this private, intimate dialog.

The word “fuck” is used countless times in movies and books and nothing is thought of it. 50 Shades of Grey is now considered “Mommy Porn” and other than a few attempts to ban the book, it has been received with rave reviews. So why are we so afraid of the words when it comes to our personal sex lives? Answer: we are uncomfortable with the words and/or feel our partner is uncomfortable with them when we use them about us. And yet we will both read the books and watch the movies, how disappointing…

Let’s Get Filthy

So I invite each of you to share this post with your partners, discuss the feelings and thoughts surrounding the use of “dirty” words in your relationship and sexual encounters and clearly define the “Off Limits” boundaries. Getting turned on by conversation can and will come to an abrupt halt if an unwanted word is used. Be respectful of each others limits and best of all enjoy what happens as the conversation develops.

If you have never ended a session of sex out of breath, sweaty and soar, I feel sorry for you. Let’s take this opportunity to change all that. Getting filthy in the mud of love is as good as it gets. Let me know how things go and try not to injure each other.

 
As always,
Love with no shame and ask with no fear.
Bobby

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North Carolina Amendment One

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Political Issue? Religious Concern? Bigotry?

Today I felt compelled to release an unscheduled post. Jay has also released a post on the same topic and asked that I provide a more political view to the issue at hand, North Carolina Amendment One.

For those of you not familiar or residing out of the North Carolina area, North Carolina Amendment One is the stare constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage within the state of North Carolina. The amendment passed as of Tuesday, May 8th 2012.

I have many questions regarding the issue and no answers. I can see it from each side, I understand the why it is important, and I get that each side has made up “facts”about the issue. It is undeniable this is an emotionally charged issue, but I ask that we take a step back and look at two facets and this unusual gem.

Is There a Solution?

First, is there a possible solution? I have no idea, but I desperately want our readers to join in the conversation. Please, let me know if there is one, has there ever been one, or can a possible solution be conceived that could satisfy both sides of the argument? I truly don’t know and with all of the vitriol surrounding the dialog, it is impossible for me to get a real grip on weather it has ever been discussed.

I keep getting the feeling that we are fighting over a word and I want input on this. Is it the word “marriage” that gets everybody’s panties in the proverbial twist? If so, is there another way? Rather than suggest that one side is wrong and the other is right, can we work together to create a solution palatable to both sides?

I ask because there always seems to be something we can all agree upon. I spent six years serving in the military in a foreign country. When I first arrived on station the “old heads” gave me an overview of the area and the local people. For quite a while I took their “information” as being the truth about the situation. Once I began to see things as they were and not as I was told, I found the people to be no different than me and my family. I have that same feeling here. Am I getting all of the information and is it correct? I don’t think so on either count.

Where is the middle ground and why are we yelling at each other about it? And another thing, why have many prominent people remained above the fray? In a recent article, I read that many leaders in the Gay & Lesbian community have remained silent during this heated battle. Why? What do they know that the rest of us don’t. It just doesn’t feel right to me and I don’t think we have all of the pieces. Please jump into the conversation and let me know.

Looking from every angle, one thing keeps coming up and I find it very funny. The military has gone through a similar evolution over the last few decades. Should we allow Gays and Lesbians to serve in the military? Then there was “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and now open service. I have a news flash for everyone. There were Gays in the military prior to any regulations regarding them. There always have been and always will be. Now consider the same here in North Carolina. I have several Gay and Lesbian friends, they aren’t going to run screaming for the state boarders just because of this new amendment. In fact, (and here is the funny part) for them, nothing changed. They couldn’t marry before and they can’t marry now. So what did we really change? I mean really?

The Political Bullshit!

Second, the pure political bullshit smells like a seven day old port-a-john at an outdoor rock festival in July. You have got to be kidding me. Our President announces his thoughts on same sex marriage the day after the amendment in North Carolina passes. REALLY! Am I the only one who smells this shit? The day after? Oh wait, it gets better. Vice President, Joe Biden, has offered an apology to the President for releasing this information early. What? It seems that President Obama was going to take a stance in favor of same sex marriages but wanted to do so closer to the election. This is like a fart in a car. You can’t even escape the smell of this one. Roll the windows down and hope for fresh air!

If President Obama has reached a decision with regard to his stance on same sex marriage, fine. Why wait to give us his insights. One reason only, political. He was hoping to gain the votes of the Gay and Lesbian community. Why do I put it this way? Easy, if he really wanted to take a stand and prove that he was for same sex marriage, he would have jumped in and supported it prior to the amendment vote. However he waited for the day after and only because his side kick spilled the beans. There is no disputing that he had his thoughts all sorted out and shared them with his staff. I find it repugnant that our leader chose not to lead. Instead he opted for political gain. I ask you to consider this when casting your next presidential ballot.

 

So please let me know your thoughts. As you can see, I am confused and angry so help me out. Like it or hate it, just tell me about it.

And as always

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Same-sex marriage ban passes in North Carolina

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Equal RightsWomen should be able to work construction, work at the highest levels of government, and be married to other women.  And the same goes for dudes too.

Educated?

One thing is certain.  We’re in a time when people are smarter than ever and it seems like we still have issues in politics that have to do with beliefs.  Who cares if people in same sex relationships have the ability to marry or not.  

I don’t. 

I invite those folks in same sex unions to have the same rights as I do as a heterosexual married couple.  They should enjoy every right I have…. No more… No less.

In my opinion, the only people who have issues with any of this are those with religious beliefs that are against it.  These same people want to bring religion into politics. I don’t think those two belong together.  This has to do with people having rights, not what you believe in. 

Here’s an excerpt from CNN that I came across today.

Thousands of North Carolina voters hit the polls on Tuesday to cast their ballots on a referendum that would constitutionally ban same-sex marriage, even though state law already does not permit such unions.

Amendment 1 would alter the North Carolina Constitution to say that "marriage between one man and one woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this state."

Supporters argue that the amendment is needed to stop those trying to redefine marriage and to ward off possible future actions of "activist judges." It would also strengthen the state’s position against same-sex civil unions, often considered a precursor to the marriage issue.

Opponents say the measure is redundant and could result in jeopardizing domestic violence protections for women and affect couples’ health benefits.

Several municipalities in North Carolina provide benefits to same-sex couples, state officials say.

Duke University law professor Kathryn Bradley says those rights could be potentially lost if the referendum passes on Tuesday.

Concerns over the measure also home in on the potential for unintended consequences, she said, affecting issues such as child custody and the prosecution of domestic violence among unmarried couples because of the narrow definition of the new statute.

"Before domestic violence laws, we relied on criminal assault laws, which don’t always protect against things like stalking," added Bradley, who says the measure could also affect heterosexual couples.

But Sen. Dan Soucek, one of the primary sponsors of the proposed amendment, said he doesn’t "believe those are legitimate concerns."

Source:  CNN.com

Watch out homophobes, same sex marriage will be here one day!

And if the issue is with calling it “marriage” then it should be called something else but let these folks have their rights of being in a recognized union of some sort. 

I can’t imagine not giving everyone equal rights in this Country. Isn’t that what I joined the military for… to protect the freedoms and rights we have. 

Maybe I’m a little bit biased, I have a family member who is gay.  He’s been with the same dude for 20 years.  Doesn’t that count for something.  Not in some states.  They’ve been together for 20 years and neither is entitled by law the same rights I have with my wife.   They can’t be covered by the same insurance, they have legal issues if one of them gets deathly ill, and if one of them dies, forget it.   

How is that right.

Nah… I don’t think so.

Is this what’s it’s come to?  Screw everyone but your own kind.  I thought this was covered many years ago with civil rights.

Look, what you do with your life is none of my business. 

I do believe everyone should be afforded equal rights under the law regardless if you’re same sex or not.  I know that beefs up against the homophobe types, but get over yourself and look in the mirror.   

Anyway, I’m pretty amped up about it because I believe in equal rights regardless of what you call it.  I know that’s not a popular stance and I hate that the law got approved in NC.

I know there’s not much I can do but vote, which I did.  And if you’ve read this then you know where I stand. I just have a hard time believing people want to prevent others from having the same rights as I do.  It truly blows me a way. 

It is what it is.

If you’re in NC, I hope you got out and voted.  For all you folks who want to screw your fellow man, you were able to vote because of the rights and freedoms many gay and lesbian military members fought for.  Enjoy them while they last. 

1984

In the end it looks like same-sex-couples lost this one and I hate it.  What we see here is what is wrong with our country.   

Louise Reed, also of Asheville, handed out pamphlets urging voters to support the amendment. "The Bible says marriage should be between a man and a woman, and that’s what our church believes in," Reed said.

Source:  USAToday.com

This isn’t about the Bible Louise… it’s about equal rights for all. 

Leave me your comments.  Let’s hear them.

Jay

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How Women Control Men

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Women Control MenThe video you are about to watch is a perfect example of how women have complete control over men.

It’s simple, it’s effective, and women know they have it but seem to deny it.

Strange things happen when women engage us in anything sexual.

We lose our minds and DO AS YOU WISH. 

And it’s not that we don’t want to… it’s why we do it.

Yes, we can beat it, it’s not complete mind control but women are extremely effective.

We do what you say when you say when it’s tied to sex (or something having to do with it)…

Watch the video…

YouTube Preview Image

My question to the ladies out there.

Do you know you have this and do you use it as blatantly as the girl did in the video?

I’m curious if you do it on purpose then become two faced and point the finger at us being pigs or whatever name you call us.

But with that being said let me discuss a few concepts that aren’t really talked about but are used either intentionally or unintentionally by all of us.

Women are training us guys like dogs…

Here’s what I mean.

As men we respond to certain things in a certain way.  As an example, if you take the last post I wrote about what boobs do to us you would notice that we respond in a certain way when we see the boobies.  We essentially go mindless.

In the same way, I believe women have trained us in certain ways to get things done around the house, to do things for them, and to get what they want.  And I’ll say this, there’s nothing wrong with it because we do the same thing.  But let’s bring some awareness to it.

First, here’s an excerpt from a book on dog training that was used by a women to train her husband’s behavior.

A young woman married a man who turned out to be very bossy and demanding.  Worse yet, his father, who lived with them, was equally given to ordering his daughter-in-law about.  It was the girl’s mother who told me this story.  On her first visit she was horrified at what the daughter said, “wait and see.”  The daughter formed a practice of responding minimally to commands and harsh remarks, while reinforcing with approval and affection any tendency by either man to be pleasant or thoughtful.  In a year she had turned them into decent human beings.  Now they greet her with smiles when she comes home and leap up – both of them – to help with the groceries.

Source:  Don’t Shoot The Dog!:  The New Art Of Teaching And Training by Karen Pryor

I don’t know if the story is true but it is a fantastic book to give you ideas on how to covertly train people… Including your spouse.  But I’ll leave that for another post.

How do you think women train us.

I’ll start by giving you an example in my life.  I’m working in my office.  I’m totally in the zone writing and thinking.  My wife walks in and I barely notice her.  She gives me the “stun-flash” and I lose the zone and all thoughts.  She now has my attention.

The “stun-flash” has happened enough times now that I hardly hesitate anymore to give her my attention when I’m working.  That works great for her because she gets my attention.  She gets what she wants.  But it doesn’t work so great for me because it breaks my concentration.  And the thing about it, is I hardly have any REAL control over it.

It just happens.

Where else do you think this is happening in our lives.  Where else do you think this is happening in the office, at home, out at the ball field.  With men, that’s why sex sells.  Ads are often designed with sexy women because they know men will stop on a dime.

Here’s another example from a recent Superbowl ad from Go Daddy.

Now knowing what’s going on I hope that we can all be more aware of the influence and control women have over us guys.  I’m not denying that it might happen the other way around too but it probably won’t have anything to do with our bodies or sex.

What Can I Get For $50?

I’ve been privy to a few married conversations that went like this.

She says, “Hey honey, can I have $50 to go get some clothes?”

“We don’t really have it.  Let’s wait till next payday.”

She says, “If that’s how long you want to wait for a BJ, that’s fine.”

“Ok, let me go get the money out of the ATM.”

Is that abuse… LOL, maybe, maybe not.

It does demonstrate a couple of things though.  One the lady in that relationship doesn’t feel comfortable just using the money in the household.  Second, she’s using what she knows will work on her husband.  I’m not saying either is right or wrong, only what I heard.  Maybe it was a joke.  I don’t know but at least now we’re aware of this sort of thing going on.

Here’s one more video that demonstrates what I’m talking about but it’s not the Doritos…

YouTube Preview Image

With that being said I will leave you.

As always leave comments if you agree, disagree, or want our team to cover a specific topic.

 

Jay

 

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