Monthly Archives: May 2012

Relationship Advice In A Facebook World

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Relationship Advice For FacebookHow do you handle your relationship in a world of Facebook and other social sites?

First consider Facebook has over 901 million monthly active users.  Over 526 million of those people use Facebook every single day.

What does that tell you?

It tells you that TONS of people are using Facebook to communicate, interact, and engage with other people.  This site and others like it, have changed the face of how we connect .

Had it not been for Facebook I would have never reconnected with old high school friends I haven’t seen in 15 years or more.

Facebook makes it fast and easy to find people and engage with them.

You don’t have to sit on the phone for an hour catching up.  You can catch up with people on your own time.  For goodness sake, you can even be a voyeur of sorts because you can watch and never interact.

That’s kind of SCARY at the same time.

This connection engine has also created an ability to meet new people faster than ever before.  You have the ability to find people who like the same things.  It’s pretty easy to use Facebook to find your next fling or business relationship.

And that’s what some people are doing.  They’re sexting, emailing, and engaging in fantasies outside of their marriage or relationship with others using the inner workings of the biggest social site in the world.

Facebook isn’t the only site that allows you to do this, there are others out there.  It’s just that Facebook is the biggest.

Either way, if you want to meet people there is no shortage of ability.

How could Facebook impact your relationship or marriage?

It’s much easier to connect with old girlfriends, boyfriends, and partners.  You can sneak peeks of what those people are doing in their lives and then engage them.  It gives you the ability to rekindle old flames, even if you didn’t intend to.

It can definitely cause jealousy like you’ve never seen before.  Consider that you have the ability to have conversations in front of all your friends and many others.  If someone wants to post something about you that could impact your relationship, you don’t have much control over it and you’ll have some explaining to do.

Then again, much of it can be hidden through the email system inside of Facebook.  So then all you need is a password.

But it’s the public arena that can impact your relationship the most.  With digital photos and the ability to post them almost instantly you could be looking at problems.

How so?

You can be tagged in photos that you’re not interested in others knowing about.  You and some friends are out at a festival.  You’re dancing and having a good time while some woman you don’t know comes over and starts dancing with you and calling you the “King”.  She tries to get all up in your grill.

Just as she bumps up against you someone in your group takes a picture.  That picture gets posted to Facebook and you’re tagged.  The problem is the woman in the picture doing the grinding isn’t your wife.  And the picture doesn’t let everyone know that you pushed her way 0.3 seconds later.

You can control what you post but you can’t control what other people post and in what context.  That leaves everyone else to make their own decisions.  And these things can happen to both men and women.

Can you see the impact of our digital world.  Here’s a glimpse of the impact:

It turns out the kiss of death for marriages might be more like a poke.

A third of all divorce filings in 2011 contained the word “Facebook,” according to Divorce Online. And more than 80 percent of U.S. divorce attorneys say social networking in divorce proceedings is on the rise, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.

Divorce lawyer Marian Rosen, who practices in Houston, said she’s increasingly seen social media cited in divorce proceedings and child custody battles.

“We’ve had instances where they pull up Facebook in the course of a deposition,” Rosen told ABC News, adding that in addition to proving infidelity, she’s seen cases in which children’s profiles are cited as evidence to suggest bad parenting. “Once it’s out there for the world, it’s very difficult … to erase from the past. There are going to be trails that can be followed.”

Source:  abcnews.go.com

That should give you a taste of what’s going on.

How do you handle it if you see messages to your spouse or partner from someone you don’t know?

First don’t come to any conclusions.  You’ve just found something that has triggered emotions and right now you only have the context that YOU are making up.

You have no idea what the situation is so the first thing you should do is talk to your spouse or partner.  Find out what he’s thinking, what the message is all about, and what it means to him.

You also may want to come to terms with how you got the information.  Where you spying on him?  Did you already suspect him of something. You may have to answer to him.

Conversation is going to be the fastest way to diffuse any Facebook or social media related blunders.

It requires keeping cool and understanding the full situation.  Remember, you can only control YOU and how you’re acting in the situation.  When we get emotional we tend to let our brain fill in any blanks (Our brain already does that fine on its own, let alone in emotional situations.)

Either way, you can see how messages through Facebook or any other digital media can cause an impact on your relationship.  It’s important to keep the conversation open and understand the ground rules for each other.

Which brings me to a question that has come up recently…

Is sexting considered being unfaithful or grounds for divorce?

I guess that depends on your definition of ‘being unfaithful’.  It makes me think of the Clinton era… “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

I know that walks the fence but some people are ok with a relationship that involves digital flirting, sexting, and online adult play.  While others would find even a digital relationship as adultery.

Sexting and engaging in digital relationships can get you in trouble if it’s secretive and hasn’t been discussed in your relationship.

Do I think it would be the only reason to cause a divorce?

Of course not.  But I do think it can be used as evidence.

Here’s an excerpt from an attorney:

Silvana D. Raso, a New Jersey divorce attorney, says that “most courts will recognize this as a form of being unfaithful through an outside romantic relationship, ” adding that, “most people do set forth why they are getting a divorce and can use this as the reason.”

Read more: Fox News

None of this is new.  It’s just taking a different media that allows for it to GO VIRAL.  Before the internet it was letters, phone calls, and visits.  It was harder to hide.

Now with the internet and all of these social sites, it’s easier than ever to meet people and later hide the romance.  If that’s your thing, great.  Make sure it’s part of the conversation in your relationship.

Otherwise you may be in for a rude awakening.

What does all this mean to you?

It means we’re friggin human.  It means our brains act the same for all of us.  We fill in blanks we don’t know.  And the blanks we fill in seem to come from our survival mechanism.  We want to be right, protect our emotions, and prevent a horrible outcome.

In the process, if we act on these survival emotions, we may cause more harm than good.

What you should be doing is having an open and truthful conversation with your husband, boyfriend, or partner.  You should be talking about all the things that you DON’T want to discuss.

Why?

If it makes your stomach turn because you don’t know how the conversation will go, then THAT IS the conversation to have.  It will allow both of you to get to the core of the issue, get each other’s take and come to an agreement.

Maybe Facebook’ing with people of the opposite sex is ok but not flirting.  Maybe flirting is ok but not sexting.

I don’t know because each situation is different for every person.  I don’t expect you to tell me what to do in my bedroom and I won’t tell you what to do in yours.

The one thing that should be consistent is the communication between you.  But only if you want your relationship to last.

I want to get the conversation going on this topic.

Have you had Facebook situations in your relationship?  Have you found your husband or boyfriend flirting or having a digital romance?  I’d love to hear the story.

Till next time, I look forward to hearing from you.

PS- I want to note that it doesn’t matter if you’re man or women, heterosexual, bi-sexual, or homosexual these things can happen to you.

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Listening Like a Lover

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Listen First

             Up to this point I have written several posts about talking. Now don’t get me wrong, I want all my readers to engage in conversation. However I thought it a good time to reverse the tables just a bit and discuss the art of listening.

             Talking is the beginning of sharing our thoughts and ideas. But without a willing partner talking alone is akin to oral masturbation. If you’re doing it by yourself, the results can sometimes be less than spectacular. So when talking to each other, make certain that you have an active partner. If they are not interested or distracted, hold the conversation for a short while until things clear up and each of you can take an active role in the dialogue.

             With that said, it is equally important that you be a good listener and not just hear the spoken words. Listening can be a great way to pick up on subtle things that are conveyed through voice inflection and body language. In a relationship discussion what is not said can be more important than what is said. For example, if a partner uses the word “fine” to end an emotionally charged conversation while turning away and folding their arms, does it really mean “fine”. NO! It means exactly the opposite. Although this is an extreme example that could be picked up by the dumbest of all men, you get my point.

 

Why Is This Important?

 

            Regardless of the situation, by listening first, and I mean really listening, you put yourself in a very powerful position. As the listener you will get all of the information being offered. It gives you the ability to think about the message and create a reasonable, informed answer. This will help in advancing the conversation, learning more about your partner and if it is an argument, the listener has the power to shut it down with complete understanding of the other’s position.

           It’s better to understand than to push a point for the purpose of being “right”. In relationship dialog there is no reason for right and wrong. Being in a relationship is just that, relating to each other. There is no need to dominate, no need to prove the point, no need to be right. Just listen first and try to completely understand your partner. You may be surprised by what it actually conveyed.

          Several months ago I called my daughter and asked if she had spoken to her mother recently. In, what I thought to be, an angry tone, she replied, “Yes, she called me”. Very short and to the point, however I thought she was angry. All she really said was, “Yes, she called me”. Rather than ask why she was angry, I chose a position of power and asked her to share her thoughts about the conversation with her mother. We then had a wonderful, twenty minute, phone call. Had I chose to argue about her tone, the conversation could have been markedly different.

 What is the Benefit?

             In relationships we are emotionally invested. Our feelings are exposed for anyone to nurture or damage. And this leaves us feeling vulnerable to the next attack. In reality it is each of us who has the opportunity to choose to listen and engage in the conversation. There is nothing to fear when we are listening, because all of the information is coming to us. We are not hurting each other, merely listening to what is being imparted. If we choose to add meaning upon what is said it becomes our own fault.

             Listening can be sexy as well. If partners are discussing sex, desires or wants be open to what is being said. Engage by asking probing questions; 

  • Does that interest you?
  • How do you feel about that?
  • Is there more there that we should discuss?
  • Tell me more…
  • What can I do in that regard?

 Any additional question or comment to keep the dialog moving can only help. Try not to use the word “No” until you’ve listened to everything your partner has to say. He or she may be nervous and not get the words right at first. Give them room to expand and listen while they relax and get comfortable with the exchange.

             I suggest never getting angry during times of conversation. This adds to those body language messages we discussed earlier. By remaining calm we have a better chance of getting our thoughts out clearly. And as the listener, anger dulls the senses and makes really understanding much more difficult.

             With anything, this takes practice and it takes two people. If one is angry, neither is ready for a conversation. If one is distracted neither can communicate. And if one is incapable, neither have a chance to properly share.

             So, give listening a try and let me know what comes of it. You may get a surprise, you may find something you didn’t know or you may just connect better than ever before. In any case, let me know how it goes. Your story may be what helps the next reader have a better relationship.

 As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

 Bobby

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What Does It Take To Turn A Guy On?

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Turn Men OnNot much…

I’m going to give you a handful of straight answers.  I hope you take the hint.

Let’s get to core cookie here.  A WOMAN turns a guy on.  Women are beautiful beings and men tend to be visual creatures.  We like to look, as I’ve discussed in other posts: How To Impress A Man!

But there is so much more to really turning on a man. 

Oh and let me get this out right now.  This is my experience of what turns me on and other guys that I’ve had conversation with.  If you get offended by what I’m saying, think I’m stereotyping or get pissed at anything I write… don’t read it. 

Ok, let’s roll.

Guys are visual and we imagine a lot.  Our imaginations can be extremely powerful.  I’m not a scientist but I would venture to say that 90% of our sexual stimulation comes from our head through imagination.

Many men wouldn’t admit it… but give us a good smut novel and we’ll get rock solid in 10 minutes flat, given the right story.  Hit us with some Nora Roberts and you can forget it.

So what are things women can do to get men turned on?

Boob Swipe

This is when you glance your boobs across our arm, chest… shoot… any part of our body.  We know you’re there.  We feel it.  We like it.  And we want you to keep doing it.  It doesn’t take much to get us going.  It doesn’t have to be skin-to-skin either.  You could put four feet of cement between us and we’ll feel it.  It’s more mental than anything.  It revs up the imagination quicker than a virgin on prom night.

Straight Bend

This one is great.  You know you’re doing it.  It’s when you have those nice pants on and you bend over at the waste.  You give us the shot of a lifetime.  Forget bending at the knees… and we thank you for it.  It gives us just a glimpse of what you got.  Again, our imagination is running the show and more than likely you’re NEKKED (in our mind) when you perform this unbelievably sexy move.

The Elevator Mash

This is when we’re in the elevator and you decide to stand right in front of us.  There’s 15 people in there and you have no choice but to back that thing up.  You graze the member and guess what happens?  The mind starts racing and blood starts flowing.  The bell better ding quick or you’re going to feel a stack of quarters.  Sometimes the elevator mash happens accidentally.  It doesn’t matter, the “uh-oh” mechanism takes over.  This is where uncontrollable comes to play. 

Lighthouse Lanterns

You really want to get our attention, let you nipples get hard and show through your shirt.  Oh man!  Even if it’s a stranger, if the Lighthouse Lanterns show up, I’m looking at least for a minute.  When my wife walks in with hers on, HOOOOLLLLY  SMOOOOKES!  Look out it’s driving me bonkers.  I feel like that commercial… BACON.. BACON… BACON… I WANT BACON!

Sneak Peeks

I love the sneak peeks I get from my wife.  It sets the stage for what’s to come.  It’s a little tease before the action.  The calm before the storm.  These little peeks will cause our minds to race with visuals and fantasies in no time flat. 

Do you realize how hot you make us?

We’re so easy, aren’t we. 

Some of this list is what turns me on and friends I’ve spoken with.  Will this be the same for all men?  Of course not. 

Here’s the biggest thing that turns men on…

Conversation

Yes, a conversation is what it takes to turn us on.  At least it takes a conversation for you to find out what your man likes and doesn’t like.  It takes a conversation for you and him to explore each other in ways you never dreamed possible.  Open up the conversations of what you want, like, and fantasize about and you may end up in a hot sweaty mess.

I find many people don’t open up in the bedroom.  They hold back because they’re afraid of what their partner might think.  They don’t want to say what they truly would like to do.  Instead they hold it in and only fantasize.  Open your relationship up through communication, especially about sex, and you may find your relationship moves to a whole new level.

Don’t be afraid to say, “A little higher”, “A little lower”, “right there”.  “Harder”, “Faster”, “AughhhOhhhh!!!!”

We engage physically and rarely engage to the same level in conversation.  Start there and you will find your sex life and relationship, as a whole, will enhance.

Now that you have a few ideas about what turns men on, how about you leave me a note and tell me what turns you on.  Guys, be open, tell us what you think.  Ladies, give it to us straight.  Give us something to talk about openly.

I hope you have a hot sweaty night!

PS- I’ll be releasing a book soon.  You can look for it around the beginning of July or so.  I might get mauled because of the mancode secrets I’ll be releasing, but I’ll take my chances.  I’ll let you know when it hits the bookstore.

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Are Men Intelligent?

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Who Are Men?

           The question has been asked for as many years as there have been men and women coexisting. We are driven to figure things out, find the meaning or just place meaning on things. This includes actions and behaviors. The funny part is that many times we, as men, don’t mean anything by what we do.

 Really?

            Then why do women get so upset by our lack of consideration for them or our poor behavior and habits? The easy answer is women don’t understand us. More to the point, women expect better from their man. Another reason, women tend to interpret our actions and behaviors into something other than we intend them. The women I speak to about this subject gravitate to a place where in they want men to behave like women. Not really like a woman, but think and care the way a woman does. See the problem?

            So, who are men? When is comes to relationships, we are providers, builders and breeders. Very basic, very easy and very clear, we are simple and don’t try to make us complicated. We hate that! When a woman tells a man that he is thinking complicated thoughts about the relationship, STOP!!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE NOT! Don’t make it into something that it’s not. We want to provide for our families, we want to build for them (house, education, transportation, recreation) and we want sex. It really is that simple. We can have big dreams and desires but basically we do what we do for these simple reasons.

 What We Do…

            Men tend to have a lack of focus on day to day things within a household the way women do. It doesn’t make us bad, it’s just is how we are. We don’t start the day off thinking about how we are going to piss off our women, but many times it seems that way. Take for instance, a man returns from a day at work, he walks into the house with dirt on his shoes and dirties up the freshly cleaned floors. None of us want for this type of situation to occur, but it happens and we, as men, know we do such things. It doesn’t mean we intended to do it, it doesn’t mean we love our women any less, it doesn’t mean we don’t value a clean home, It just means we didn’t think about it before we did it. And, getting upset about it won’t make it better for us or you.

            I get feedback from many women complaining that their men don’t tell them that they love them. Through follow up conversation it becomes clear the men actually do say “I love you”, but women want it in a manner consistent with their emotions. They want passion and romance brought into the phrase rather than a statement of ones dedication to the other. As men, when we say “I love you”, we mean it. It is the expectation of how the message is delivered that becomes the problem.

 What is Interpreted…

             Women have most of the power in any healthy relationship with a man. If you believe, as I do, that men are driven by the desire to provide, build and breed, then as women, you can guide and coach the entire relationship. But, if you choose to get angry when we do something the way us men do, well, then you give up your power and allow the relationship to be driven by our lack of understanding and we get hurt, disappointed and retreat into our shell.

             When we dirty the floor unknowingly, you can choose to yell or, you can calmly point it out and ask us to correct the problem. And guess what the better outcome will be. When he says “I love you”, you get to choose to accept it or argue the point. Consider we are simple creatures and telling us we are wrong will only reduce the effort we put forth. A more pleasurable conversation might be to thank him for the thought and suggest if he were to improve the manner in which he extolled his affections, perhaps he would be rewarded. In any case, women have the power in the relationship. Choose to coach or choose to give up the power by being angry. It is not the easiest habit to form and it takes practice, but the rewards are worth the effort.

             I personally have been told that I did not load the dishwasher correctly and that rinsing the dishes before putting them into the machine was not necessary. This went on for years; it caused actual fights between us. Do you think I wanted to continue to clean and load the dishwasher? Hell NO! And all I really wanted was a thank you. I eventually quit doing anything with the dishes and yet the power was all hers. She chose and was rewarded.

             So understand that we have very limited ideas and thoughts about our relationship with you ladies. We love you and want to do what’s right. By guiding us through our mistakes and coaching us with regard to our short comings, you maintain power and get far better results. Remember that we are simple in this aspect of life. Don’t make us into something that we aren’t and don’t view our errors as a personal affront to you. We mean you no offense and are very willing to be trained under the right circumstances and reward system.

 Give it a try and let me know what you experience. If it’s not working perfectly right now, what do you have to loose?

 And, as always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear.

 Bobby

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Men And Women Read Minds Poorly

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Mind reading Nothing is ever the way it seems.

Our brains are amazing computers that keep us going.  It keeps us alive.  It protects us.  It gives us fight or flight.  It allows us to analyze information as we get it and make important decisions.

It also helps us read the minds of others.  It’s a useful tool because we can anticipate things in life.  We get a feeling when something is going to happen.  We react to things that we didn’t SEE.

But when it comes to emotional things like love, relationships, and sex it’s not so effective.

Our brains tend to make up things for what it doesn’t know or understand.  That’s to say that we make things up when we don’t have a clear picture.  And what’s neat is that we don’t know that we made it up.

For instance… A friend of mine had a intimate experience with a guy.  He was up front with her and said that he didn’t want a relationship.  But the rules of that game were not spelled out ahead of time.

So there was a lot of mind reading going on.  He makes her feel good and they end up being very intimate.  In the end she felt an emotional connection.  He likes her but not to have a long term relationship.  The intimate setting allowed her mind to believe that he wanted more to the relationship than he actually did.

Now she’s playing tricks on herself on whether he likes her the same.

Here’s what I have to say.  She has to take responsibility and note that she is in control of her feelings.  He did what he did and she made herself feel a certain way.

That will give her the power to make decisions about this man instead of reacting to a situation.

But that’s not all.  I suggest that the communication be much more clear about what each other wants. If he really only wants a physical relationship, he should state that clearly up front.  It should be arranged as such and if anything changes then that can be communicated.

She should ensure the communication is clear about what SHE wants and what she intends on getting.  When you communicate you’ll be able to see what is really there and work with what you really have.

Knowing this sometimes makes no difference. So…

How can you be proactive in the face of your brain that makes up what it wants?

What should happen is a two way communication that delivers the message intended and that represents what you both want out of the relationship.  It’s not fair to either of you if you hold anything back.

You see, if we don’t communicate our brains will fill in the blanks with whatever it wants.  You can’t know what another person is thinking unless you’re straight and ask them.  That’s why authentic communication is fundamental to every relationship.

It does take effort and sometimes you don’t want to say what you should say.  Our filters and mind reading capabilities go into overdrive.  We start to find evidence that supports our thoughts.  It’s crazy but true.

That’s why it’s extremely important to keep the communication lines open and honest.  Don’t hold anything back.

I would love to hear our thoughts on this subject so please leave a comment or any questions you may have below in the comments section.

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