Gay & Lesbian

The Comfort of Avoidance

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We have a tendency in our society to point the finger at a particular issue and demand that it be corrected. In many cases this is through legislation whereby the elected politicians are made to create a law in order to correct the problem. I find it interesting when people demand a change in behavior and yet are not willing to do anything about it. In other words they take comfort in avoidance.

I’ve heard it said that secrets are the poison of any relationship. I have watched as families have torn themselves apart in order to keep their secrets. And in the end the poison kills the relationship. All involved become tainted and the infection rages out of control. More over the secret becomes public knowledge. So why bother?

We are programmed to be peace keepers. We like things to be calm and well maintained. Everyone should follow the rules and if the rules don’t fit, well let’s just change them. But never approach someone and open a dialogue. Why, they may be offended! Oh the shame of such a confrontation.

The comfort of avoidance is a short lived comfort. Just as a secret eventually poisons the relationship, so does avoidance. If you are willing to allow bad behavior because you wish to keep the peace, then make that choice and expect the same behavior from this point forward. If you are unhappy with your relationship but don’t want to rock the boat, then get used to the relationship the way it is.

Avoiding the confrontation (which should be a conversation) does nothing to solve the issue. It sweeps it under a metaphorical rug and allows it to fester becoming more poisonous than before. When dealt with directly the benefits far outweigh the initial discomfort.

The bottom line is taking responsibility for initiating the conversation. This includes having the integrity to say something, doing it with respect and creating a space for open dialogue. And done correctly, the relationship can be advanced rather than comfortable.

Don’t be afraid to say, “I want to discuss something with you. It is part of what is going on inside me and because I care about us. I want to have a conversation with you.”

Keep in mind that what ever happened is done and over with. He did this or she did that, it’s done. The point is to ask for a difference in the behavior based on what was left you you and the relationship. And that’s how you move forward, by looking to the future and creating a new outcome based on mutual agreement.

So why are we scared?

Don’t get comfortable, get results. Talk to each other and share.

I dare you.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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A Few Ideas to Ponder…

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644720_291103937657750_584840658_nI have discovered a new page on Facebook and wanted to share it with all of you. I like anything that causes me to think or re-think about my relationships. This page is called Liberation Through Tempted Desires and it has caused some interesting conversation within my home. It is fairly new and run by five open minded people, if I get my count correct. These folks are not afraid to discuss sex, love and relationships nor the dirty details therein. the contents are suggested fro adults only and I agree, but that’s who we are, enjoy if you dare. All of the photos in my blog today are from the site. Take a look at a few and share the ideas with your loved ones and see where it goes…

But I warn you, if your not ready to be open mined and discuss your relationship, just stop reading now and go back to what you were doing…

 

Here is one that just jumped out to me and my girlfriend. Most of us have some issue in our lives or relationship that keeps reoccurring. No matter what we do to 66225_293365187431625_1479554750_ncorrect or modify the problem it keeps coming back over and again. Why is that? The reason for it is that we keep focusing on it. Be cause we desperately what it to go away and yet we keep looking for it to come back. We become hyper sensitive to the issue and not to the person we love. Accept the person for who they are and then read this again…

544698_292494140852063_667071720_nAgain, this one should generate a significant amount of dialogue between lovers. Choosing anything or anyone and choosing powerfully has wonderful implications. Do you remember this feeling inside you when you first met? Is it still there? Why or why not? Consider talking about it and getting back to choosing to consume each other. Talk about the heat of sex, the dirty feeling fro each other, the depth of your love. What ever it takes to get you to the point of consumption!

Last, I leave you with this photo…46266_291797267588417_2007845281_n It is so true that the world is not going to stop because we want to carry a chip on our shoulder. The world moves on with or without us. We can’t choose to stop it, we can only choose to make it as great as possible for us and those around us. What do you choose? Love is a great place to start, from there a lot of really cool things can happen. Choosing to love and choosing it powerfully means that you have taken control of life and are going to enjoy the ride. Get involved and control you destiny. Take control and quit bitching. Check out this Facebook page and start a conversation. Get filthy dirty with the ones you love.

Let me know how things go and what shows up in the following conversations.

I can’t wait to hear from you.

 

Until next time…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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The Power of Voting

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Today the people of the United States will decide on a president for the next four years. They could choose to re-elect President Barack Obama, or make a change by electing Governor Mitt Romney. In either case, people fight for the chance to vote in a presidential election. Many say it is our constitutional right to vote, however there is no such mention in the US constitution. My point is that free people all over the world fight for the ability to choose their leaders.

Wars have been started in order to secure free elections and voting. During the first free elections Iraq and Afghanistan, people waiting in lines to vote were shoot and killed but the citizens continued, undaunted to file into voting precincts. The phenomenon is incredible. I commend any and all who take the opportunity to vote. More importantly, I commend and thank those who risk life and limb to defend our ability to do so.

As free people, our most precious human characteristic is our power to choose. And yet, at times, I want to scream for people to exercise that ability. I ask, if we are willing to fight to take part in a presidential election, why are we not willing to make better choices in our relationships? Better yet, why do so many people make no choice at all? Just like in an election, we have choices every day with regard to our relationships and behaviors. We choose to engage positively or negatively. We can show compassion or disregard another's feelings. In any case it all comes down to choice.

If we fight for an election why not fight for the other? Don't get me wrong, I understand the gravity of electing a US president, but I'm asking why we take little or no interest in choosing to have better and more fulfilling relationships? We have the ability but giving up the power to choose the proper path can have horrible results. And making a positive choice takes far less time than becoming educated about the candidates and then waiting in line to vote.

I can only suppose the reason we don't invest ourselves in willingly making powerful relationship choices is that we either don't care or we don't know the signs of when we need to stop, think and choose. Not knowing is a common problem. Many readers say they don't have control over certain aspects of their lives. I offer that they do, but don't see the issues plainly, without emotion. not having the proper view can prevent the necessary actions for relationship success.

In our up coming book titled The Meaning Making Machine we cover this and more. This book is another useful tool to assist you and your loved ones with finding relationship happiness. The book will be released on Kindle through Amazon.com and I highly recommend it for you and those you care about. It will provide the ground work for your relationships to find common ground in order stop, thin and choose the correct path fro positive growth. Look for it soon both here on our site and at Amazon.com. Choose a better way and find happiness while in the process. Vote for the benefit of your relationship…

Now get out and vote. Until next time…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Staying in the Conversation

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Here at RLA Advisors we constantly promote the need to openly discuss any and all issues as they arise. We ask that you jump into the mud of dialogue and get filthy dirty in the details. It can be messy and for that reason many people avoid continuing dialogue. A danger here is to think that one conversation has ended all issues and we can move on without follow up. On occasion this is possible, but if the reason for the discord is rather deeply seeded in our minds, then the continuation of conversation is very necessary.

Fixing one problem in a relationship is fulfilling and can set you on a track to happiness, but what happens if that fix was only a small bandage on a bigger problem? The issue will reoccur and that reoccurrence can lead to frustration.

Why doesn’t he understand? We just talked about this last month…

Why is she bringing this up again? didn’t we just cover this?

Intellectually we think that something has gone wrong with the original discussion and having another will not solve anything. We become resigned to having less than we desire with regard to our relationships. We find ourselves thinking, “It will always be this way”.

Actually it is the continuation of the conversation that smooth’s out the rough patches and repairs the relationship roads we travel. Consider the problem a pot-hole in the road we are on. If we keep going around the pot-hole and ignore repairing it, it will always be there and possibly increase in size. Openly talking about what the problem is will tend to fill the pot-hole little by little. After many conversations and choosing to understand, we have the ability to get this particular issue resolved and the road to happiness is a little less bumpy.

Keep Talking

Remaining in the conversation keeps all parties present to what happens to be there. Being aware helps the repair and allows everyone to stay on the same page with regard to the specific issue.

If two people talk about a vision for their relationship and allow years to pass before restoring the discussion, what possible roads have each of them taken without the other? Could it be that one went left and the other went right? One went around and the other went over? Could they have gone in complete different directions? We will never know without conversation…

Hang in There…

Our first book was released several months ago and it is designed to provide women insight into a man’s world. The book is titled Mancode Secrets Revealed – Relationship Advice For Women here is the link to purchase it on Amazon.com Mancode Secrets Revealed. Our second book is a guide for women to find a great partner and avoid the pitfalls of problematic men. This book is titled @$$holes to Zipper Heads – A to Z Guide For Finding A Man. Here again is the link to purchase it on Amazon.com @$$holes to Zipperheads. Both books have seen great success and have strong reviews. I highly recommend them for assistance with staying in the conversation.

Additionally, our latest book will be released in the next few weeks, titled The Meaning Making Machine. This book too is designed to provide insight into how we view ourselves and others with tools to assist in having and maintaining the conversation. Afterward, we will begin production of a fourth in this series to be released early in 2013. All of these are designed to help lead you to relationship success.

If your are a reader of our blog, then I assert you want to have success in your relationships. I suggest you buy the current books and the follow ups soon to be released. And let us know how it goes. Your success can be the one piece missing in another reader’s life. Share freely and allow others to benefit from your triumph!

Until next time…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

PS We are also in the process of publishing and promoting a few select authors for your entertainment. Keep a look out for a new erotic fiction series and an exciting drama/thriller series. We will provide additional details as the release dates get a little closer, but I assure you, these will be exciting and well worth the read.

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How to Have the Best Five Minutes of Your Life!

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Last week I posted and article about how we filter things we hear. I‘ve included the link here for you to read: The Dumbest Thing I’ve Ever Heard! And we actually filter everything that comes to us as adults. We see, hear, touch, taste and smell through filters that are deep seeded in our brains. There is nothing wrong with us, but it is important to recognize that we have these filters.

We see smoke and we think fire. We see ice and we think cold. It is automatic. In some cases it can be a great filter. For example when we see a fire, we think hot and could cause damage. This is a good filter designed to keep us safe and free of harm.

On the other hand, I will use a very bad stereotype. Many people see a blond woman and immediately think she may be the typical “Dumb Blond”. This is not such a good filter. I have met many extremely intelligent blonds and many not so smart brunettes. This filter serves no good purpose. Both come from our past and are there because someone told us something or we experienced an event that made us believe it to be true.

Our input filters are in place to keep us safe but they also work to develop and support our biases. Consider all fire has the potential to burn and cause damage. We know this to be true and we have evidence to support such a belief. Consider all blonds are dumb. We know this not to be true but the bias and stereotype remains and the filter for both stays in place.

Now think of what life would be like if we didn’t have all of those filters. Intelligence alone will keep us safe. We will continue to avoid harmful things because we know this via intellectual reasoning, But if we could remove the rest…

Life Through the Eyes of a Child

Children have no filters. These are developed over time and education. They don’t realize that the stove is hot until they experience it. I mean they actually have to touch a hot stove and from there, they KNOW what hot means.

Imagine how they view the world… With no filters to stereotype things, events or people, everything is new and in question. A child approaches any thing, person or situation with curiosity and no internal filtering system. If a problem is presented, the child will find a way around or over. There is nothing too big for them to tackle. If food is on the counter a child will stack chairs, tables, toys, move furniture or use a broom handle, but they will attempt to get the food they see and want. No problem, I’ll get to it.

Sure it may not work perfectly the first attempt, but the child will press on undaunted until they succeed. With no filters they are fearless and full of the newness the world has to offer. What a great way to venture through life!

The Wonder of Life

As a child we have this great sense of adventure. We go from one thing to the next with as much excitement as we can muster. Play time is for learning a new skill and children relish in the activities presented to them. Imagination runs wild with thoughts of what can be done with an over-sized corrugated box. Forget the toys, let’s make a fort out of the box and play a game with it.

It is incredible to watch children play with the smallest and most meaningless items while having a great time. Without filters everything looks interesting.

We have this same potential as adults. Adults are given situations which we find to be curious, but the frequency in which they occur seem to be far less often. And the reason for this is our filters. We have chosen to block out the excitement of experience and move through life as efficiently as possible without wonder and curiosity.

Our adult filters provide us an expectation of what is about to happen or take place. We use this to tool to fill that childhood void with adult style meaning that shields us from the full wonder of what actually takes place in the world. Our filters wrap us in a cocoon insulating us from the present of the present. By that I mean we are given the gift of life each day, but by not being present to the world around us, we lose the value of the gift over and over again.

The Best Five Minutes of Your Life!

It is possible that the best five minutes of your life begin now. By forcing yourself to remove your internal filters, you too can get back to that childish view of life. Every experience can be new, exciting and fresh. Consider that you have no idea of what is about to happen and simply enjoy being wherever and with whom ever you may be. Strip away the filters and get back to seeing what happens next.

The old saying goes: No matter how big and tough you are, when a two year old hands you a toy cell phone, you say “hello!” And why not, the child wants to play the game of life. As adults we are too busy fighting from one issue to the next. The reality is, we are playing the game too. The difference is that we are annoyed by so much of what “happens” to us. Nothing really happens to us, it just happens. What we make it into, now that’s a different story.

I have been told, “I have some bad news for you”. The truth is, all you have is news, it is neither good nor bad. I challenge you to begin the next five minutes filter free. Listen to what is said, see what is really there if you expect nothing what you get may be quite a nice surprise!

Think of how conversation with your significant other could be without expectation. What would dialogue with your children be like if you were present and without pretense. Every thing we do in life can have that new and exciting feel if we can step back and remove filters and expectations. Every five minutes has the potential to be the best five minutes of your life!

If you still don’t believe me, try planning a romantic evening with your partner. Remove your filters and expectation and ask them for the same. Make each event for the evening filter free. Look at the conversations and actions as if they are the first time you are viewing them. Get present to what’s there as you experience the evening as the first time you were on a date. Be curious and explore each other without the cumbersome filters we all have in our lives. Commit to making every five minutes on the date the best five minutes of your life. Se where this takes you and let me know what you experience. I don’t know about you, but it sounds pretty hot to me!

Speaking of “hot”, Jay Simcic has his latest book out now and I highly recommend it for all of our readers. Here’s the link to find it on Amazon.com: Mancode Secrets Revealed. It covers many of the insights we fail to address in our daily relationships,. The reviews of this book have been positive and very strong. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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