Enhancement

What’s Your Style of Fore Play?

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Now before you go down a different road, let me explain the question.

Recently, while in a coaching session, I was discussing results of a group interaction with my team leader. The team leader is another coach. We covered quite a few areas of human behavior within and without the group. I had an issue with one of my group in that she was not responding as I had wished. Further, I was having difficulty probing her and gaining information to motivate her into action. It may seem odd that I write this blog about how to make things work with relationships and then I myself have the same or similar problems. I even discussed this in a recent article, the link is here for you to review: Making Any Relationship Work . I should think this  proves that even coaches need coaches.

This reality exists with us all. You see, we are the same at every level of our existence and no problem, behavior or issue is new to human kind. So yes, I have the same troubles. But my team leader was generous enough to share a perspective with me that I had not yet discovered. When I explained what I perceived to be road blocks in the discussion with my teammate, and that I would shut off the conversation at the point I thought the resistance would go to hurt feelings, he asked if this was “fore play”?

Fore play? I had never considered the context outside of the implied sexual content. His point was that we all have a style of fore play that brings us to the main act. So let ask again; What’s your style of fore play?

Fore Play in Everyday Life?

Given that the woman I was attempting to coach is a very nice, educated, hard-working adult and I could not get what I wanted. There had to be more I was missing. I gave up in the conversation and possibly didn’t provide her enough space to open up and join in the conversation because, in her mind, the fore play was not over.

What a concept! It makes my outlook on conversational resistance change 180 degrees! Is it possible that people have this need for a style and approach to conversation? YES! And to prove the theory I began a discussion and a fact finding mission. It’s not about being right, just finding a new distinction to share and create with.

My team leader went on about children. When a conversation takes place with a small child they are always eager to engage. They love the attention and the stimulation. Talking is new to them and they revel in it. Tell them to do their homework, take out the garbage, brush their teeth, go to bed, they know the end result, but does that stop them? Hell No! And here comes the fore play… Thousands of excuses, reasons why it can’t be done, asking for delays, pleading, but in the end, they just do it. Every child is different in the approach, but all children have this natural propensity to push back.

This is the set up for how engage in conversation throughout life. It doesn’t have to be bad or good, it’s just that we want to have a little massaging before we get to it. Now, knowing this gives me a new way to approach or look at how we get to the main act of life.

My team leader said he was certain that my girlfriend and I loved each other. I agreed.

He asked if there was ever a time when she would accompany me to an event that she really didn’t want to attend.

“Sure” I said, “There have been several occasions.”

“Did she argue or complain before going? And did you know she would support you in any case?” he went on.

I said, “Of course!”

“Consider this was her style of fore play”, he ended.

And It’s There Everyday

Now that I understand the reasoning and basic programing we all have about how we approach and are approached, I take the opportunity to view these “nuisances” as an availability to advance and progress the conversation. And having the distinction gives me great power in the conversation itself.

While I was writing this article, my girlfriend came into the office and asked that I hang a mirror in the bedroom. We relocated two weeks ago and both of us have been working hard to get the apartment in order. She was lucky enough to spend the pervious weekend at the beach leaving me to finish decorating and hanging pictures. So, rather than ask for a moment to finish, request that we do it another time, or just ignore her, I got up from my desk saying, “It’s not like I’m writing my article or anything important…”

Did you say, “Go brush your teeth and get ready for bed”?

And as I entered the bedroom, she asked,”Was that sarcasm I heard in your voice?”.

“Do it right now young man and no arguing!”

“No” I offered, “Just a little fore play”.

So Where Do We Go From Here?

As interesting as it is, and yet little known, this distinction can dramatically change how we react or interact with those in our lives. Just imagine the possibility of being in control of removing the fore play from the conversation and getting down to the “real thing”. Would you get more or less upset with your children? Would you be able to have a different kind of discussion with your relatives during the holiday seasons? Could you tolerate and understand the co-worker you have had issues with? The possibilities go on and on.

And now for the main act…

When she says, “I’m not in the mood”, is this her offer to begin fore play?

Don’t miss the sex because you don’t like the fore play. Relish it!

What’s that Dear? Yes, I’m almost finished…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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We’re Not in Kansas Anymore….

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The last several weekly articles have generated a debate that has fascinated me, the RLA staff and many readers. Here are the links to the two that started the conversation: Lights, Action, Drama!!!!!!!!!! and Attitude and Gratitude Check them out if you haven’t already.

The power of choice and the recognition of being in control of choosing has brought out stories that prove the point. At first it seemed odd that people around me made an argument of no possibility of choice and that we have no control over our emotions or how we react to situations. So, we here at RLA took a deeper dive and followed the rabbit down the hole. The first post addresses how we choose and the consequences of doing so. If we allow ourselves to be controlled by emotion, that too, is a choice.

The second post gave insight to the perspective in which we choose to live. I give several examples of how I and people around me make bold choices to do the right thing in the face of what could be considered “wrong”. The reality is that there is no “right’ or “wrong” but WE choose to make it into something that we can label and therefore be comfortable with. I like that we have a conversation going about our ability (or not) to choose how we act, react, and engage.

So, back to the stories… Recently, I had the distinct pleasure of meeting a woman named Savannah, who was gracious enough to discuss our web site and asked questions about what we do here at RLA. She was intrigued and shared many aspects of her life with me and my friends. She was open and direct and shared one story after another. Savannah had us all laughing about her family and their behavior.

During the discussion, the option of choice was brought up. We talked about how making choices and being in control brought a great position of power to any relationship. I offered that if we wanted the truth about any situation, our best bet was to ask a woman 70 years old or more. You see, my opinion is that there is no greater truth than that from an old woman. They have seen it all, lived it all and done it all. Furthermore, they have absolutely no reason to hold it back. They will fire the truth at you as if it were being shot out of a Remington model 1100, right between the eyes and with no regard to your feelings. You asked, they deliver. Old ladies are the Dominos pizza of truth, delivered right to your door, hot, fresh and under 30 minutes. “Does that dress make you look fat? Oh Honey! When you walked into to church this morning, I thought there was a college football game about to start. I mean, silver stripes just aint’ your thing Sweetie. Now, I don’t mean nothin’ by it, but if you want to keep that dress at least get some advertising for the back side.” And there you have it the double report from the model 1100 fired at point blank. I LOVE OLD WOMEN! They choose to live by their own rules.

And Savannah, once again, had a story. She has an aunt who, at the time, was 92 years old. And Aunt Janie liked to have things here way. She made no bones about it, she liked things to be a certain way based on her proper upbringing in the state of Georgia. You see, Aunt Janie had lived during a time when manners were taught and observed by everyone in the community and she was not about to let go of what she viewed as proper. In addition, Aunt Janie knew this was her choice. Her choice came with consequences but that was also fine by her. As Savannah explained, Aunt Janie was the kindest person you could meet. She loved company and was a gracious southern cook. Aunt Janie was as happy to have visitors at any time as most single older women are. But there was one thing she would not compromise. Aunt Janie was raised in a time when a visitor “called” before they arrived. As was the custom in her younger days, it was proper to schedule a visit, especially to the home of a single woman. And now was no different.

Savannah said that even though the family all knew of this “rule” some of them tried to visit unannounced. The results were less than spectacular. Every unannounced visitor found Aunt Janie sound asleep on the sofa facing the TV. And no matter how hard or often they knocked, no one could wake Aunt Janie. When Savannah told Aunt Janie that she had missed several visitors due to her afternoon napping, she was stunned to find out that Aunt Janie had missedd nothing. Her 92 year old aunt was playing opossum! She explained that she knew of each and every person who came calling and she feigned sleep rather than answer the door to an unannounced caller. She was set in her ways and no one was going to alter the proper nature of her rules. Aunt Janie further explained that she increased the volume of the television, slumped down into a sleeping position and watched through half open eyes as the company banged on her front door. How cool is that? At 92 years old, Aunt Janie was still saying, “Do it my way, or bite my A$$!”

In this case Aunt Janie made a choice, it had consequences and she lived by her rules. Love it or hate it she chose to conduct herself as she saw fit and I feel like that alone is enough to offer some respect.

So, this will wrap up my rant on choice unless there is more out there to discuss. The conversation has been stimulating and thank you to all of those who have shared in the dialogue. Keep choosing and offer the same to those in your life. You be surprised as to the results.

As always,
Love with no shame and ask with no fear.
Bobby

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Need To Get Out Of A Bad Relationship?

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Resolve Your ConflictsDo you think you’re in a bad relationship?

Maybe you do, maybe you don’t.  I think many people stay in bad relationships thinking, hoping and feeling things will get better.  Many people, both men and women, stay in difficult relationships hoping things will change.  They even hope they can change the other person.

Before I address any of those concerns let’s take a look at some clues that your relationship may not be in the best condition.

One of the biggest offenders that could cause any relationship to go downhill quick is…

Jealousy

Jealousy in some cases can be very flattering, but there is a thin line between controlling and jealousy.

If your partner is reading your mail, calling you uncontrollably when you’re out with friends, or checking your phone messages there should be a big flashing light going off for you.  If your partner is preventing you from going out with friends, causes you to second guess everything you do, and causes YOU to modify your behavior so they don’t get pissed – then you should be taking a closer look at your relationship.

One-Way Behavior Modification

Do you find yourself trying to change things about YOU to make your partner happy? If you’re making changes so that your partner doesn’t get pissed or to appease them, maybe you should take a closer look at the relationship.  In my opinion that’s NOT unconditional love going both ways.  That’s one way love, YOU loving them enough to change but not the other way around.

Think about it, even the smallest changes you make for your partner could impact your life, your friends, and even your work.  That’s because your relationship isn’t in a silo.  It’s part of your life and influences everything you do and how you come across to others.

Name Calling

Being called names can be extremely hurtful, and when your partner is constantly putting you down verbally in front of your friends and family members or even when you’re alone can cause a great relationship to sour quickly.

Do you really want to be called names by someone you love?  Of course not.  But in some relationship name calling is common because they know what your insecurities are and can push your buttons this way.

In my opinion, this type of behavior is uncalled for and not necessary in ANY relationship.  If your relationship is so bad one of you has to get vicious and start using verbal abuse, maybe both of you should take a closer look.  The only reason for this type of behavior is to HURT.  And if you’re partner is purposefully hurting you, why do you want to stay?

These are all major signs of a relationship in turmoil.

Now, let me be clear, bad relationships will have good times too. And those good times may cloud all of the nasty that’s being done.  But it’s a cycle.  Some days it’s good.  Some day’s it’s difficult.  Should relationships be that difficult to deal with?

Will you have fights and disagreements?  Sure.  Will there be times of silence?  Possibly.  But if the above actions are a regular occurrence, then maybe you should give your relationship extra thought.  You should look deep inside and start analyzing the facts of the situation and if you are willing to deal with them for LIFE.

So that comes to the question – Should you work the problems out or simply walk away?

First let’s look at…

How Our Minds WorkHow Our Brains Work

Consider that we always want to be right.  That’s why when we buy something we’ll do everything we can to prove to our friends, family an anyone who will listen why making that purchase was the right thing to do.  We justify it.

The same thing happens in relationships.  We don’t want to believe that we were wrong in making such an important decision.  We may think… “I love this person.  How could they be this way?  Maybe they will change.”  You may even find yourself giving yourself reasons why your partner does what he does.  You also may find that your partner wants to be right in the relationship.  They don’t think they’re doing anything wrong.  Everything is YOU.

I have to ask…

What would you do if a coworker, a stranger, or a friend treated you the way you’re partner is treating you?  Would you put up with it.  I would bet that you’ve put up with less from friends and coworkers before.  So why does your partner get a “freebie” to treat you like this?

Consider that it’s because you don’t want to be wrong about them or you’re using them as a crutch or reason for your own short comings.

You’re probably shooting me the bird, cursing me up one side and down the other, but consider that you’re holding on so that you can blame them for when things go wrong or don’t get done in your life.

Gosh, how could anyone expect you to do what you say when you’re dealing with relationship issues.

Most people have sympathy for these situations.  They give you lots of rope because they don’t want to upset you.

Now it’s time to talk about the big subject…

Changing Your Partner Or Yourself

Do you want to change your partner?  Do you really want to change?

I don’t think “changing” per say is the best plan.  Changing someone is like putting icing on a cow patty.  No matter what you do, it’s still a cow patty.

Your partner may change and modify their behavior but will still be harboring the feelings and resent you for making them change.

But consider that you can’t make anyone do anything.  Their actions and everything they do – the name calling, the jealousy, the getting you to change – all comes from inside of them.  It’s their emotions and the story they’re making up that causes them to do the things they do.  It ultimately has nothing to do with you.

Let me give you an example.  Jon was cheated on by three previous women he dated and fell in love with.  Each event piled onto each other and now Jon is very jealous of everyone he dates.  He’s become so controlling he prevents his partner from going out with friends, attending events without him, or even participating in activities she enjoys.  He’s fearful that his partner will cheat on him.

You see, everything there has to do with Jon and nothing to do with his partner.  But when we’re in a sour relationship we look at what we can do to make it better, change ourselves, and modify our behavior.  Doing that might make matters worse.  How can it make it worse?  Because you don’t get to who you truly are.  You’re living a lie.

So how do you save your relationship?

It starts with understanding that, if you’re partner is treating you badly, there is nothing for you to change.  It’s time to ask your partner to have an open and authentic conversation.  Ask your partner to be willing to do deep soul searching.  What you want to do is find out what caused your partner to do what he does.  It’s those past events that are more than likely causing them to act the way they do toward you.

Once you’re able to get at the core of what was causing that behavior, it’s time to acknowledge it and let it be.  Once your partner is aware of what he’s doing, he should be able to recognize it, catch himself and stop it.

Now, if things begin to change in your relationship, great.

But if they don’t and things keep going the way they’ve always done then maybe it’s time to call it quits.

You have to determine for yourself whether you want to put up with this behavior or find a relationship that works for who you are.  No matter what the situation, to me, verbal abuse and this type of behavior is on par with physical abuse.  It can be just as damaging.

If your partner is unwilling to do some deep soul searching and uncover what it is that’s triggering these responses, then it may not be worth staying in the relationship.  Then again, maybe it is worth staying.

Let’s face it, some relationships are NOT worth saving.  Some ARE worth saving.  YOU have to make that choice.

Ultimately the ball is in your court.  You get to say who you want to be with.  You get to say whether you stay in the relationship.  You get to say how your life goes.

Also, I want you to look at everything I’ve just said… You might be pissed and hate me for it.  But you know what, it’s just my opinion.  You can choose to accept it or ignore it but if you are pissed and upset about it, consider there was something that triggered it and it’s not me who caused it.

So, what’s going on in your relationship?  Post your questions and let’s get some conversation going.  We can write about specific scenarios and give our thoughts on the craziest situations.  And as always, it’s just our opinion.  You make them count.

Love… to infinity and beyond,

Jay

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Attitude and Gratitude

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Last week I wrote about our ability to choose how we approach life and the problems it throws our way. In the event you haven’t read it, here is the link, Lights, Action, Drama!!!!!!!!!!! . Many readers did not agree with my assessment and challenged the idea of being able to make such choices. I was told that it is not always possible to view a situation and choose how to respond. A family member actually claimed it was not possible based on how the issue was presented and our past experiences. Their point was that we don’t have control with regard to how we approach and respond to crisis and everyday problems. The belief here is that it just is what it is and getting upset is a natural and uncontrollable part of the process.

I have to call “Bullshit!” here folks. If we feel that there is no ability to control and modify our responses based on how we feel and what our past experiences are, well just shoot me now and dump me into a pine box. Life has no chance to improve over where we stand today. Why should we try to improve anything? Are you kidding me! What a crock of crap! This view point simply tells me that these folks have no interest in changing for the better and we should all accept them for the emotional messes they are.

It’s fine with me if people don’t want to look into themselves and gain control and understanding about how they interact with those in their life, but don’t tell me it’s not possible. It can be difficult, it can be overwhelming, and it can be tedious, but it certainly is not impossible. So, if you don’t want to look inside and create a space for others to join in conversation about interesting and profound topics, fine! Just gain the understanding that YOU don’t want to bring your best to the dialogue. Let the rest of us open up and see what we can achieve via the approach and context.

Proof in the Pudding

All around me I see examples of people who choose to make the difference by selecting a path that allows them to remove preconception and barriers. I find it interesting for people with absolute reasons to complain and nothing to complain about. In fact, many times these same people not only are complaint free, they bring with them a joy that appears to be boundless.

For instance, a friend of mind named Wendy has a non-curable spinal condition. When I first met her, I was in love with her vibrant personality, out-going, good nature and her sense of humor. I truly look forward to each time I get to see her. She is never boring and always a great conversationalist. Her stories captivate me. She keeps me laughing from the time we meet until we depart. She smiles and the world smiles back. In my mind, it is impossible not to be attracted to such a beautiful spirit.

But look at it from another perspective. One day I thought to myself, this woman who delights everyone around her, has every reason to be angry and bitter. She could be mean to everyone she meets and we would allow her to do so because of her condition. People could easily agree that having such a physical burden rightfully allows her to have anger and distain. But here she is without a complaint and draws love to her like a moth to a flame. Her life force is bright enough to light a city block. I realized this is the choice she makes for herself and those around her. She can get away with the other behavior, but she chooses not.

Despite her physical limitations, my friend Wendy moves through life with all the grace and dignity anyone could ever ask for and she inspires me to be a better person. Wendy, if you’re reading this, YOU ROCK!

Another example is my partner here at RLA Advisors, Jay Simcic. At the time of this article we have been living through record setting high temperatures of more than 100 degrees. During this time, Jay lost his air conditioning for 8 days. With the Independence Day Holiday there was no means to get parts faster for the repairs and pending relief. Because of work and other responsibilities, Jay and his family were unable to leave the house for more comfortable surroundings. They were forced to endure the heat in a home without AC for each of the eight days. They had friends and family offer their homes, but again life did not allow for the relocation.

As the ordeal came to an end, Jay shared with me how grateful he was. I asked him to explain. He stated that he was grateful to have friends who were willing to offer their homes, He was grateful for neighbors who called to check in every day. He was grateful to have the money to pay for the repairs. His perspective was one I had not considered, but given all things he chose to take a positive view of the bounty he has been blessed with, rather than the misery he had endured. What a great choice! And imagine the impression this choice will have on his young daughter. The impact will be priceless.

And last, after a heated discussion with my girl friend, I was able to share a profound gratitude with her. As we settled into bed that night, I explained that I was grateful that we had such a discussion. She was puzzled, so I went on to say that I was grateful that we were working on our relationship and brave enough to have the talk. I was grateful that we were talking at all and face to face. When I served over seas in the military, I and many others were unable to have face-to-face conversations with their loved ones. I was grateful to have her, there with me in bed. I know people today who have lost their spouses, parents and children, who would give any price to have them back for one more conversation. Any conversation, an argument or otherwise. So in contrast, I am pleased to choose to be grateful.

You Make It Seem So Easy…

My friends often ask if it is as easy as my writing indicate. For this I apologize. To think that behavior modification is easy is understating it at best. However, this too is a choice. You see, I was quick to anger in my younger days and those choices many times lead to disaster. I found wasted effort in making poor relationship choices with those close friends and family who were simply caught in the cross fire of misguided emotions. Hurt feelings were more difficult to repair than to protect. Regaining my integrity after an emotional out burst was not always easy. So now I make different choices and so can you.

I love the feeling of appreciation when a good conversation takes the place of what could have been a bad one. I like getting the heart of the emotion rather than bearing the searing heat of it without real benefit. I love being able to finally HEAR those around me and I do it by choice. It is nothing simple or difficult it just is there for each of us to take advantage of. Choice is one of the greatest possibilities we have in life. So choose wisely my friends.

Is it easy? You choose…

 

As always,
Love with no shame and ask with no fear.
Bobby

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Lights, Action, Drama!!!!!!!!!!

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Relationships today have taken a turn in which life represents art. I am referring to reality TV and the influences it has on our own lives. I am a huge fan of reality TV and I fault no one for watching and enjoying the carnage that takes place on such programs. Forget the Amazing Race and Survivor, I’m talking about the original day-time dirt. There is nothing better than watching a couple of strippers cat fight over a trailer trash, red-neck, hillbilly for female dominance of the Sunny Meadows RV and Trailer Park. YEE-HAAAWWWW, that’s just good old fashion fun!

I get to laughing out loud watching this kind of thing on TV. At times I find myself crying from laughter and thinking, “My life is great”. On occasions I feel as if I need a good dose of day-time trash to make me see my life as good and wholesome compared to others. But the reality of reality TV is that we see ourselves in those performing or living out their lives for all of us to view.

Don’t deny it! We have all sat in front of the idiot box and thought, “We should talk to my in-laws about going on that show”, or “That reminds me of our last Thanksgiving dinner”. We all know someone, some where who would fit right into the current top-of-the-morning “Talk Show”. There is no reason to be embarrassed by it or them, it’s just the way families are. We are all dysfunctional to a certain degree, but we can choose to act upon it or take a different path.

The Set Up…

Going through our daily lives and relationships with those around us, we encounter issues and problems of all kinds. Disagreements, arguments, confrontations, they are with us or part of us every day. And we get to choose how we approach and deal with these every day occurrences. Let me say that again, every day occurrences.

You may make a case that there are days when we don’t have issues and problems. Well, perhaps so, but again that is a choice. But consider that every occurrence in life is presented to us with a choice of how we will behave. In other words, regardless of the situation, we get to choose what happens by how we act upon the issue. What’s that? You don’t believe it? Let’s look at an example…

Johnny and Peg are a married couple. Johnny pays the bills as is their agreement. While paying the monthly cell phone statement, Johnny logs on to view the bill via the web in an effort to find a possible reduction in price based on the couples total usage. He discovers three calls from Peg’s phone to his best friend Tom. All were placed last Friday evening while Johnny was at a company dinner function. The total time for the three calls was more than 90 minutes!

Johnny feels he must address this with Peg immediately. He gathers the phone bill and storms into the kitchen to find Peg.

Cue music. Camera pans from left to right. Camera pulls back for a full view of the audience pounding their fists in the air to a chant of, “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry…”  Enter Jerry, announcing, “And on todays show we have Johnny who is here to confront his wife Peg about her recently discovered infidelity” The audience screams their disapproval. What a great show! Let’s get a front row seat! Johnny has chosen the reality TV approach. This should be good!

OR

Johnny and Peg are a married couple. Johnny pays the bills as is their agreement. While paying the monthly cell phone statement, Johnny logs on to view the bill via the web in an effort to find a possible reduction in price based on the couples total usage. He discovers three calls from Peg’s phone to his best friend Tom. All were placed last Friday evening while Johnny was at a company dinner function. The total time for the three calls was more than 90 minutes.

Johnny feels he must address this with Peg, if only for his curiosity and peace of mind. Over dinner when he asks, Peg reminds him that Lisa, Tom’s wife, had visited that evening after she and Tom had argued. Lisa left her apartment upset and without her phone. Once she was clam she called to talk to Tom and borrowed Pegs cell phone. They worked it out and Lisa was back at home happy later that night. Boring, I know, but Johnny is in control of choosing and the out come will be very different based on his choice.

The Final Act

As I said, these issue are there for us each and every day. Many pass us by without notice and others are thrust upon us to be dealt with in the rudest fashion possible. Either way, we get to choose how we take on the situation. Tell me I am not performing well enough at work. I can call the boss an asshole or ask what is missing that would benefit both of us. When the car breaks down, I can complain about it or deal with the repairs. Either way I have to get it fixed. Find a strange entry on the cell phone bill and get upset or inquire as to why.

Each time I get to choose and be in control and powerful with the choice. I have what it takes to keep the conversation moving forward and in a positive direction. If it is true that Peg is cheating on Johnny, does he need an audience and a talk show host to know how to handle it? I should think not.

Give the benefit of conversation to those around you. Let them be part of the engaging dialogue and offer them the opportunity to get open and honest with you. In return you can be in control by providing the space for such conversation. Many people don’t know how to get to this point but that, in and of itself, could make for a great conversation with someone you love. Embrace the idea of conversational intercourse. It can be extremely stimulating.

That’s it for now. I have to run off to find out if Marty, Sean, Terry or Bubba is Betty Lou’s baby daddy. The DNA results are in! And the hits just keep on rollin’.

 

As always,
Love with no shame and ask with no fear.
Bobby

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