Dating

The Comfort of Avoidance

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We have a tendency in our society to point the finger at a particular issue and demand that it be corrected. In many cases this is through legislation whereby the elected politicians are made to create a law in order to correct the problem. I find it interesting when people demand a change in behavior and yet are not willing to do anything about it. In other words they take comfort in avoidance.

I’ve heard it said that secrets are the poison of any relationship. I have watched as families have torn themselves apart in order to keep their secrets. And in the end the poison kills the relationship. All involved become tainted and the infection rages out of control. More over the secret becomes public knowledge. So why bother?

We are programmed to be peace keepers. We like things to be calm and well maintained. Everyone should follow the rules and if the rules don’t fit, well let’s just change them. But never approach someone and open a dialogue. Why, they may be offended! Oh the shame of such a confrontation.

The comfort of avoidance is a short lived comfort. Just as a secret eventually poisons the relationship, so does avoidance. If you are willing to allow bad behavior because you wish to keep the peace, then make that choice and expect the same behavior from this point forward. If you are unhappy with your relationship but don’t want to rock the boat, then get used to the relationship the way it is.

Avoiding the confrontation (which should be a conversation) does nothing to solve the issue. It sweeps it under a metaphorical rug and allows it to fester becoming more poisonous than before. When dealt with directly the benefits far outweigh the initial discomfort.

The bottom line is taking responsibility for initiating the conversation. This includes having the integrity to say something, doing it with respect and creating a space for open dialogue. And done correctly, the relationship can be advanced rather than comfortable.

Don’t be afraid to say, “I want to discuss something with you. It is part of what is going on inside me and because I care about us. I want to have a conversation with you.”

Keep in mind that what ever happened is done and over with. He did this or she did that, it’s done. The point is to ask for a difference in the behavior based on what was left you you and the relationship. And that’s how you move forward, by looking to the future and creating a new outcome based on mutual agreement.

So why are we scared?

Don’t get comfortable, get results. Talk to each other and share.

I dare you.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Our Latest Release and more…

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We recently released The Meaning Making Machine. It is a book designed to provide you and your loved ones an insight into why we are programmed they way we are. Yes, that’s right – Programmed. Our brains work the same way when we are growing up. We face challenges and we either overcome them or insist that they are immoveable. This information is used to build up a knowledge base that can be quite false. Further, our brains give us indications that we are right about thing we have no idea of. It is astounding that we limit our love for each other and the experiences we can have because our brains tell us not to venture into areas we don’t quite understand.

Jay wrote a great piece about the book last week Blow Through Your Persistent Problems and this week I wanted to give you a little more.

I have included a small section of the book to pique your interest:

 

The Human Computer

“Biology gives you a brain. Life turns it into a mind.”
Jeffrey Eugenides

One of the most interesting and yet misunderstood tools we have as human beings is our brain. It is a three pound computer that can store, access and analyze information. It takes in everything we see, feel, touch, taste and smell. It’s a magnet for information and sensory stimulation. A sponge soaking up anything it comes into contact with.

The weirdest part about it is that it’s dropped into us with nothing at all. No programming, no start up apps, no manuals, nothing. It programs itself from the moment we are born. We have no control over what it takes in, and it takes in everything. It gathers information at blazing speeds and stores every experience away as a memory or useful learning. The amount of information it can store has been calculated based upon what we know of existing computers. However the debate continues as to what the real number could possibly be. In addition, the human computer can process many items at the same time while also storing them into the memory banks.

It truly is a wonderful machine, and it is extremely useful. The brain is responsible for all of our conscious and unconscious thoughts. It is believed that we have 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts each day and we are powerless to stop them from happening. Our brain is taking in and processing everything as it occurs and it does it without permission.

Consider that not all of the information being processed in our mushy, little, super computer is collected and stored as it truly is. Teaching and experience provide us knowledge that we don’t currently have or we find desirable to gain. And as we acquire this new information our brain files it away. But the storing of data is not always easy and straight forward. The brain can’t just assume that we have the material and we need nothing else. Oh no, it has to interpret the data, choose the right place to store it and look through other files to find any supporting data for the new wisdom.

And this is where it gets ugly. If a new piece a data is received and the brain misinterprets it, what happens then? Can we reassign the wisdom to a different location more to our liking? Is it stuck there forever? Can we stop the brain from doing the same thing with future items? What if we have no power at all to stop the freewheeling information flow? Our brain could turn into a memory garbage dump. One misinterpreted piece of data piled upon another. The mass of information gets deeper and deeper. And as with any computer; “Garbage in, garbage out”.

Anne Lamott wrote, “My mind is like a bad neighborhood – I try not to go there alone.” It seems apparent that we are not always in control of our brain and what it chooses to do with the knowledge and experiences we amass. Rather, the brain is in control and we have to learn to live with what it does. Or do we?

Interested? Would you like to gain control of your Meaning Making Machine? If so, I strongly suggest you get the book today and begin the process of taking back your life.

Here’s the link to purchase your copy through Amazon.com: The Meaning Making Machine

And while you’re there you might want to check out the other offering from Jay and me.

Let me know what you think and tell us about your relationship successes.

Also, we are hoping to get the first look at our new fiction authors next month. They have been working hard to finish a few new items and they look amazing so far. Stay tuned for the announcement in the next few weeks of several fiction series that we intend to offer. You will not be disappointed.

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Flight Attendant Relationship Management

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I recently took a vacation to Cancun, Mexico with my girl friend. We flew on a major airline direct from Charlotte, North Carolina to Cancun and I have to admit that there were more idiot fliers than I have ever seen at one time. People were refusing to check in prior to the flight. Some were not willing to wait in the appropriate lines. Many attempted to board the aircraft out of turn. Folks were having issues finding their seats. And the parade of lunacy just continued.

Once seated however, I was witness to the most amazing woman. A flight attendant named Beth who was in charge without offending anyone. It was incredible. Through all of the bitching, moaning and whining about luggage, seat assignments and whether we were going to have a meal or headsets, she kept her head about her. This woman was able to field questions, place people in seats and placate the ignorant without taking a breath. She was the Wonder Woman of the air lines.

As I watched she handled each complaint as if she was teaching school to third graders. Never getting upset or demeaning those in violation, Beth moved throughout the cabin with grace. She yelled without raising her voice. She demanded without ordering. She suggested as if it was the idea of the passenger. At one point an angry flier told Beth that he wanted to change his seat assignment (on a sold out flight) and she needed to make it happen. Her response was a brilliant as it was simple. She said, “This plane isn’t going anywhere until we are all seated. Let’s see if we can work it out because we are all in this together” He was so stunned by her lack of confrontation that he settled down and did exactly what she suggested. It was great to watch her command the passengers.

Once we were in flight, I took the opportunity to compliment her on the skill. I suggested that I might have put someone in a head-lock if I were confronted with the same. And her response again stunned me. “Well, I truly love my job and what I do” It was that simple. She was going to enjoy what she did, with or without the benefit of the passengers. Talk about taking responsibility for yourself!

I love finding people like this. they give me a reason to look at my own life and I love my life. Bu this woman had it all together and I was in awe. So Beth if your reading this, great job and keep doing what you’re doing. And to the rest of us, let’s try to find that one perfect place where we too can say, “I love what I do”…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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A Few Ideas to Ponder…

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644720_291103937657750_584840658_nI have discovered a new page on Facebook and wanted to share it with all of you. I like anything that causes me to think or re-think about my relationships. This page is called Liberation Through Tempted Desires and it has caused some interesting conversation within my home. It is fairly new and run by five open minded people, if I get my count correct. These folks are not afraid to discuss sex, love and relationships nor the dirty details therein. the contents are suggested fro adults only and I agree, but that’s who we are, enjoy if you dare. All of the photos in my blog today are from the site. Take a look at a few and share the ideas with your loved ones and see where it goes…

But I warn you, if your not ready to be open mined and discuss your relationship, just stop reading now and go back to what you were doing…

 

Here is one that just jumped out to me and my girlfriend. Most of us have some issue in our lives or relationship that keeps reoccurring. No matter what we do to 66225_293365187431625_1479554750_ncorrect or modify the problem it keeps coming back over and again. Why is that? The reason for it is that we keep focusing on it. Be cause we desperately what it to go away and yet we keep looking for it to come back. We become hyper sensitive to the issue and not to the person we love. Accept the person for who they are and then read this again…

544698_292494140852063_667071720_nAgain, this one should generate a significant amount of dialogue between lovers. Choosing anything or anyone and choosing powerfully has wonderful implications. Do you remember this feeling inside you when you first met? Is it still there? Why or why not? Consider talking about it and getting back to choosing to consume each other. Talk about the heat of sex, the dirty feeling fro each other, the depth of your love. What ever it takes to get you to the point of consumption!

Last, I leave you with this photo…46266_291797267588417_2007845281_n It is so true that the world is not going to stop because we want to carry a chip on our shoulder. The world moves on with or without us. We can’t choose to stop it, we can only choose to make it as great as possible for us and those around us. What do you choose? Love is a great place to start, from there a lot of really cool things can happen. Choosing to love and choosing it powerfully means that you have taken control of life and are going to enjoy the ride. Get involved and control you destiny. Take control and quit bitching. Check out this Facebook page and start a conversation. Get filthy dirty with the ones you love.

Let me know how things go and what shows up in the following conversations.

I can’t wait to hear from you.

 

Until next time…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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The Power of Voting

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Today the people of the United States will decide on a president for the next four years. They could choose to re-elect President Barack Obama, or make a change by electing Governor Mitt Romney. In either case, people fight for the chance to vote in a presidential election. Many say it is our constitutional right to vote, however there is no such mention in the US constitution. My point is that free people all over the world fight for the ability to choose their leaders.

Wars have been started in order to secure free elections and voting. During the first free elections Iraq and Afghanistan, people waiting in lines to vote were shoot and killed but the citizens continued, undaunted to file into voting precincts. The phenomenon is incredible. I commend any and all who take the opportunity to vote. More importantly, I commend and thank those who risk life and limb to defend our ability to do so.

As free people, our most precious human characteristic is our power to choose. And yet, at times, I want to scream for people to exercise that ability. I ask, if we are willing to fight to take part in a presidential election, why are we not willing to make better choices in our relationships? Better yet, why do so many people make no choice at all? Just like in an election, we have choices every day with regard to our relationships and behaviors. We choose to engage positively or negatively. We can show compassion or disregard another's feelings. In any case it all comes down to choice.

If we fight for an election why not fight for the other? Don't get me wrong, I understand the gravity of electing a US president, but I'm asking why we take little or no interest in choosing to have better and more fulfilling relationships? We have the ability but giving up the power to choose the proper path can have horrible results. And making a positive choice takes far less time than becoming educated about the candidates and then waiting in line to vote.

I can only suppose the reason we don't invest ourselves in willingly making powerful relationship choices is that we either don't care or we don't know the signs of when we need to stop, think and choose. Not knowing is a common problem. Many readers say they don't have control over certain aspects of their lives. I offer that they do, but don't see the issues plainly, without emotion. not having the proper view can prevent the necessary actions for relationship success.

In our up coming book titled The Meaning Making Machine we cover this and more. This book is another useful tool to assist you and your loved ones with finding relationship happiness. The book will be released on Kindle through Amazon.com and I highly recommend it for you and those you care about. It will provide the ground work for your relationships to find common ground in order stop, thin and choose the correct path fro positive growth. Look for it soon both here on our site and at Amazon.com. Choose a better way and find happiness while in the process. Vote for the benefit of your relationship…

Now get out and vote. Until next time…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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