Conflict

Staying in the Conversation

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Here at RLA Advisors we constantly promote the need to openly discuss any and all issues as they arise. We ask that you jump into the mud of dialogue and get filthy dirty in the details. It can be messy and for that reason many people avoid continuing dialogue. A danger here is to think that one conversation has ended all issues and we can move on without follow up. On occasion this is possible, but if the reason for the discord is rather deeply seeded in our minds, then the continuation of conversation is very necessary.

Fixing one problem in a relationship is fulfilling and can set you on a track to happiness, but what happens if that fix was only a small bandage on a bigger problem? The issue will reoccur and that reoccurrence can lead to frustration.

Why doesn’t he understand? We just talked about this last month…

Why is she bringing this up again? didn’t we just cover this?

Intellectually we think that something has gone wrong with the original discussion and having another will not solve anything. We become resigned to having less than we desire with regard to our relationships. We find ourselves thinking, “It will always be this way”.

Actually it is the continuation of the conversation that smooth’s out the rough patches and repairs the relationship roads we travel. Consider the problem a pot-hole in the road we are on. If we keep going around the pot-hole and ignore repairing it, it will always be there and possibly increase in size. Openly talking about what the problem is will tend to fill the pot-hole little by little. After many conversations and choosing to understand, we have the ability to get this particular issue resolved and the road to happiness is a little less bumpy.

Keep Talking

Remaining in the conversation keeps all parties present to what happens to be there. Being aware helps the repair and allows everyone to stay on the same page with regard to the specific issue.

If two people talk about a vision for their relationship and allow years to pass before restoring the discussion, what possible roads have each of them taken without the other? Could it be that one went left and the other went right? One went around and the other went over? Could they have gone in complete different directions? We will never know without conversation…

Hang in There…

Our first book was released several months ago and it is designed to provide women insight into a man’s world. The book is titled Mancode Secrets Revealed – Relationship Advice For Women here is the link to purchase it on Amazon.com Mancode Secrets Revealed. Our second book is a guide for women to find a great partner and avoid the pitfalls of problematic men. This book is titled @$$holes to Zipper Heads – A to Z Guide For Finding A Man. Here again is the link to purchase it on Amazon.com @$$holes to Zipperheads. Both books have seen great success and have strong reviews. I highly recommend them for assistance with staying in the conversation.

Additionally, our latest book will be released in the next few weeks, titled The Meaning Making Machine. This book too is designed to provide insight into how we view ourselves and others with tools to assist in having and maintaining the conversation. Afterward, we will begin production of a fourth in this series to be released early in 2013. All of these are designed to help lead you to relationship success.

If your are a reader of our blog, then I assert you want to have success in your relationships. I suggest you buy the current books and the follow ups soon to be released. And let us know how it goes. Your success can be the one piece missing in another reader’s life. Share freely and allow others to benefit from your triumph!

Until next time…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

PS We are also in the process of publishing and promoting a few select authors for your entertainment. Keep a look out for a new erotic fiction series and an exciting drama/thriller series. We will provide additional details as the release dates get a little closer, but I assure you, these will be exciting and well worth the read.

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Fault, Blame, Victimizing–How to Overcome Your Relationship Obstacles

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Relationship ConflictThere are times in our relationships that we feel stuck.  There are times in our relationships that we fight.  There are times when we are not very nice to our partner.  Then there are times when everything is going perfectly.  And it’s during the tough times that allow us to grow.  It is the tough times that point directly at what it is we need to go to work on.  And it’s only revealed to us when we are open to it. 

Let me tell you a short story.  It’s a good one that has been told many times before.  But the context of how you read/hear it today will be completely different than you heard it before.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.

Source: Stories To Make You Think

As you can see this story is about overcoming obstacles.  And before you walk away thinking that you’ve heard it before I’d like you to consider that maybe you haven’t heard it THIS way before. 

You see, we tend to live our lives in a world of fault and blame.  We point the finger at others when they “make us feel a certain way”.  We point the finger at ourselves when we “fail to perform” at something.  In the story above, the boulder is just another way to point the finger. 

“It’s not my problem.  The boulder was there when I got here.”

“The guy before me should have moved it.”

“Damn it, I don’t know how to move it.  I don’t have any tools.  I so useless.”

All of that could go through our minds.  And those same ways of thinking are what clog our brains in our relationships when things go wrong.

Now, if we approach our fights, arguments, and problems differently – more like the peasant – new opportunities for action may open up.  What if the next time an argument broke out you became the peasant.  Instead of fighting, reacting, blaming or pointing the finger you asked yourself…

“How can I use this as a learning opportunity?” 

“How can I act differently that may cause a different outcome in this situation?”

“How can I take responsibility for the current circumstance allowing me to regain power and move the conversation in a different direction?”

This is how you can begin to maneuver the boulder.  You now can have a choice when things don’t go your way.

When things don’t go as planned you can…

Be a victim, complain, bitch, moan, and blame either others or yourself

OR

You can create choice, look for new ways of acting that will allow you to learn from the experience and progress your relationship and partnership in the direction you want it to go.

It’s up to you now.  You have the choice.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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Threesomes, Foursomes, Moresomes, Oh My…

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I was disappointed to read a recent article By Shannon Bradley-Colleary. It was published in the Huffington Post and titled Marriage and the Ménage à Trois. I have included the link for you here Marriage and the Ménage à Trois. The disappointment came when Mrs. Bradley-Colleary tried to explain that sex was the beginning of love and that it should not be tampered with. There should be no other explorations of a couple with additional partners as it too may lead to love. She says’ “In my experience, sex transmogrifies into, if you’re lucky, genuine love, if you’re less lucky, fluttery infatuation or, if you’re totally screwed, mad obsession”.

Really? Why can’t sex just be sex? And how is it that she speaks for every married couple? I don’t have the answer to that one, but I can add that many couples, married and otherwise, have successful and lively ventures into the world of multiple partners. I have interviewed many who claim the “Lifestyle” saved their marriages and they love the new intimacy and value it brings to their relationships.

I do not speak for all, but I assure you that there are as many different likes as there are dislikes. Mrs. Bradley-Colleary states that she stayed with a man she thought was Satan because the sex was good. Huh? But don’t try a threesome, he may fall in love and leave you. Really?

Every game we play has a set of rules. Relationships are similar in that we have rules around them that we want everyone to adhere to. Marriage is one of those relationships. If the rules aren’t broken we feel like we can win the game and be happy together. But, everybody has to play by the rules. Who’s rules?

Open up the Rules Book

As with any relationship, define the rules and stick to them. Be open to conversation but not deviation. Discuss openly with your partner what is acceptable and what is not. If you wish to try a multi-partner experience I suggest you make a plan, define the rules and play by them. Deviation will cause penalty flags to be thrown leading to disaster. If you feel relationship disaster is the end result, re-think the event.

When we are honest about what we want and can live with the outcome, we have a reasonable relationship between those involved. It will never suit everyone, but if makes you happy, go for it.

Again I suggest, make a plan, a set of rules and stick to them.

Can it be fun and enhancing? That’s for you to decide not Mrs. Bradley-Colleary.

If this subject interests you, please let us know and we will be glad to write a few follow ups.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

Take a look at Jay Simcic’s latest book. Here’s the link to find it on Amazon.com: Mancode Secrets Revealed. I highly recommend it for all of our readers. It covers a ton of aspects that you could benefit from in your relationships. The reviews have been great and I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

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A Triple Punishment

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A Triple PunishmentImagine you’re at home with your partner.  You can’t seem to get on the same page.  You can’t seem to agree on anything.  One minute he’s agreeing with you.  And the next minute you are at each other’s throats.

You feel like you want to throw something at him.  You have already yelled at the top of your lungs.  If not you probably wanted to.

It doesn’t happen all the time but when it does it seems to linger like a case of bad breath.  But you want to do something about it.

You don’t know what’s causing it but you are punishing each other on different levels as you go through this argument.

Let me share a story I was reading the other day that seems fitting…

A man well known for his prodigious greed and selfishness was brought before the judge, accused of corruption. The case was clear; the man was manifestly guilty. It only remained for the judge to decide upon the punishment.

The judge, a deeply wise and perceptive woman, considered the nature of the crime and the personality of the man she was dealing with. After a little thought, she looked at the convicted man and said, “I am going to offer you a choice. You may choose your punishment. Choose between these. The first punishment is to pay as a fine a thousand golden dollars. The second is to accept a hundred lashes across your back. The third is to eat ten kilos of raw onions.”

The convict was delighted. He could save his money and escape the pain of corporal suffering. “I’ll take the onions,” he shouted, a huge smile breaking across his face.

However, by the time he had finished just half of the first kilo of raw onions, his eyes were streaming, his thirst was raging, and his stomach felt as if it was going to burst.

“Please,” he pleaded, “spare me the onions. I’ll take the hundred lashes.” And so it was that the official appointed for this task picked up the lash and began to apply his art to the back of the convict. After no more than ten strokes, the convict could bear the pain no longer. He thought he would die.

“Please,” he pleaded, “spare me the lash. I will pay the thousand golden dollars.”

And so it was that the convict was punished in each of the three ways for his crime against society, and the judge’s insight into character and personality was shown to be profound.

Primary source: Nossrat Peseschkian.
General source: Oriental tradition.

Source: Owen, Nick (2001-01-08). The Magic of Metaphor: 77 stories for teachers, trainers and thinkers (Kindle Locations 1529-1543). Crown House Publishing. Kindle Edition.

As you can see the convicted man went through lots of punishment.  And it wasn’t needed.

It’s similar to how we argue when things don’t go our way.  First we have something to argue about.  Then things are said that don’t feel good.  That causes another level of suffering.  That in turn causes thoughts and concerns about yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

Next thing you know you’re playing a movie in your head that send you into a deeper spiral of despair.  It’s suffering that you don’t have to be going through.

When you consider that all of that can be stopped with a simple conversation you’ll realize how not significant the fight, argument, and suffering really was.

Consider in Bobby’s book, that you can get on Amazon, he talks about how to choose and deal with men.  Don’t think that it only applies to single women.  This applies even if you’ve been married for 60 years.

Why?

Because he talks about your world view and how it filters every decision you make.  He talks about how you walk through life with a set way that causes the insignificant to become significant.

But there’s hope!

You’ll quickly realize from the book and this discussion that it all can be handled through an authentic two-way conversation.  Once that begins you’ll start to uncover the hidden meaning you give things.  You’ll see why you make things significant.  You’ll understand that he said what he said and there isn’t much you can do about that except for react.  And it’s in YOUR reaction that says how the rest of the conversation will go.

I want you to be aware of yourself and your thoughts of those around you.  Remember, it’s how you see them that has you act the way you do.

Leave me your comments.  Tell me what you’re dealing with and let’s begin to dissect the issues.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

 

Jay

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Don’t Like Me? Fuck Off.

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I was scrolling through my Facebook page when I came across this sign and thought about the simplicity of the message. It came from another Facebook page, here it is for you to check it out. Big Fake Titties, Guns & manly shit that’s gonna piss your girlfriend off.

We constantly write about the nature of relationships and what can be done to repair or correct them. We question who we are being and what actions have caused issues within our relationships. We press the subject of changing us and forget about the actions of others. But there is also a part of yielding that we seldom examine.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

I am a huge advocate for the advancement of free thinking. I suggest that each of us needs to occasionally step back and look at where we are in the journey of life. An objective view can bring interesting perspective to any subject or relationship. More importantly, it provides us an opportunity to look at an item without placing meaning on it.

Take a look at Christine and Derrick, they have two small children ages 4 and 7. The 7 year old boy constantly uses foul language and when unhappy will cuss at the parents. His teachers have asked Christine and Derrick to control their child because the same behavior is reported in the classroom. When Christine and Derrick address the problem, they simply talk to the boy and attempt to explain why his language is unacceptable. There is no punishment, just a conversation. Christine and Derrick fear that the child will not love them if he is punished in any manner and they choose to try to converse rather than manage him any other way. In addition, they have a rising fear that the younger child is beginning to behave in the same manner.

The meaning Christine and Derrick have placed on punishment is the the children will no longer love them. They have such a fear of loosing the children’s love that they are willing to run the risk of allowing their behavior to continue and grow. Whether they are correct or not, both Christine and Derrick have placed meaning on punishment and it has paralyzed them from action. I can assure you that my parents had no such fear and they doled out punishment often.

I encourage Christine and Derrick to step back and look at the bigger picture. Is it possible that they are allowing and encouraging the children to behave is such a way? Is it possible that the children see their acquiescence as a sign to continue? Is it possible that the meaning they place on punishment is really nothing at all?

This is just one example of how we yield in relationships to avoid problems.

The Other Side of the Coin

I challenge you to use your own judgment in any relationship to examine the real issues. Throwing up your hands and saying, “That’s just the way it is!” is not always the best solution. For instance, Christine and Derrick have other options but they choose not to employ them.

In our adult relationships the same is true. We have options to engage, get angry, converse, be silent, there is any number of methods but when is it enough? That’s the real question…

In the case of my childhood, if I had chosen to cuss at my parents, my father would have seen to it that this particular mistake was a one time occurrence. He was strict and we all knew what the acceptable parameters were of behavior. He was not worried about our loving image of him. I thank him for raising me to be who I am. Enough to him was somewhat smaller than to others.

As adults we sometimes see our options to be limited and we restrict ourselves from acting. Christine and Derrick seem very restricted. But what if you are in a hurtful and harmful relationship? When do you have enough? You must make that choice for yourself.

I suggest the same process, step back, take an objective look and take action. My personal view is that if the relationship is mentally or physically abusive, exiting has fewer consequences than remaining. And I mean this for any relationship, spousal, personal, working environment, a harmful relationship is just that and nothing more.

If you’ve done all you can do to get the relationship to a positive place, than what’s left?

Don’t Just Flip the Coin

I enjoy using the relationship strategies we teach here at RLA Advisors. I like knowing there are options to motivate and improve my relationships. But I also have to admit that not all people will be positively impacted every time.

I ask that you continue to utilize our techniques and attempt to improve your relationships.

But when all else fails and you don’t like me, fuck off. Problem solved.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

Once again I want to direct you to Jay Simcic’s latest book. Here’s the link to find it on Amazon.com: Mancode Secrets Revealed. I highly recommend it for all of our readers. It covers a ton of aspects that you could benefit from in your relationships. The reviews have been great and I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

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