Commitment

Making Any Relationship Work

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Recently, I was asked what the key is to making a relationship work. Those of you who read my articles know that I am a huge fan of communication. I love to engage in meaningful conversation, with friends, family and, of course, my lover. Conversation brings meaning to everything, without it, we have no method of relating or conveying thoughts, ideas or feelings.

I even enjoy conversation about things I don’t like. My friends and I discuss political views and I listen and engage. I have dialog with others regarding differences of religious views and beliefs. I will open a talk about food, working out, music, movies, social programs, gas prices anything, as long as it is meaningful and everyone gets something from the interaction. I don’t like all these subjects, but I love the conversation. I find it mentally stimulating and valuable information in order to truly know others.

It has been said that we should never talk about politics or religion. I would suggest, that a person not able to remove themselves from the emotions attached should not have those conversations. Some of the best interactions I have are with people of differing view points. Why would we only want to engage with like minded people? If everyone is thinking the same thing, 50% of the people are not thinking. So talking with those who don’t agree with our opinion is just that, talking. Listen, engage and have fun.

But, what is really the key to a good relationship? If conversation was all there was, we would be in perfect relational status. With 24 hours news, cable TV and the internet, we talk or get talked to, all the time. So, conversation is only a means of developing and maintaining our relationships, not necessarily the key to success. Not only did I want to provide an answer to my reader, I wanted the answer for myself. What is the key?

Reaching Out Through Technology

In today’s world of distance and technology, it’s been stated that relationships have changed. I would argue, that we have changed as people and how we interact with one another. We have a litany of medias barraging us from the moment we wake up to the minute we go back to sleep. Television, radio, email, internet, social media, cell phones, texting, we have a constant flow of information blasting our senses every waking moment. I myself will have the TV on while I check my emails. I can do both and I like it. But it has changed us not as people, but in the way we interact.

With information flowing into us from everywhere at all times, it is natural for us to filter what we hear and how we hear it. It used to be called selective hearing by married couples. We have the ability to hear what we want when we want to. And with the amount of “stuff” being thrown at us, it stands to reason that we will miss things or just refuse to hear them. It’s not our fault, it is the way of our current world.

Children have adapted faster than many adults, as they don’t see most technology as new. It was here when they arrived on the planet and they simply just use it. Us, more mature folks, have had to adapt and that may mean that we miss things from time to time. We have changed the way we interact, we have more stimuli than ever before and we have technology creating a physical gap between us.

It’s not wrong, it’s just how it is.

We live in a world where it is increasingly difficult to have solid successful relationships. So, What is the key?

Where is Your Hat?

Yeah, where is your hat? That’s right? Here is the key…

When it comes to making a relationship work, I would ask this simple question. For me the answer is easy. Take a look at you and your relationship, if you want the best out of it then get committed to it. Put your hat in the ring. If your hat is on a hook somewhere else then you are not focused here. If your hat is in another ring, then your are committed to something else. The key to making any relationship work is throwing your hat in the ring and committing to it. Communication gets all of the moving parts put in the proper places, but if you’re distracted by all the background noise we suffer with daily, are you really listening? Is your hat in the ring or tilted slightly on your head? Relationships work well and they work best when we commit to them. And although it takes a little work, the benefits are enormous!

And this works for any and all relationships. Take a child for instance, when we tune out all the noise and listen just to them, it becomes their entire world. And in return the child will listen back. They become engaged and want to interact. It is beautiful to watch.

I enjoy the exchanges I have with my friends and family. I treasure dialogue with my lover. If I were to become distracted, what benefit is there for any of us? The key to making any relationship work is taking the time to disengage from all of the garbage infecting our senses and just listen to the one we want to hear from. Put your hat in that ring!

We have an easy excuse given the massive informational input we have each day. It becomes common to say, “I forgot”, “I didn’t hear you say that”, or “What?” but if you want the relationship to really work, commit and throw your hat into the ring. Take the time to listen and hear what’s there for each of you. Not all conversation is fun and not all is worth having, but you only get to decide when you open yourself to the possibility of good dialogue.

So there is the key as I see it. Don’t miss the chance for your child to explain they are unhappy, it may prevent additional issues. Don’t miss the chance to help a friend with a problem, you may have the same one later. Don’t miss the chance to hear about a religious belief, you may discover God. And never miss the opportunity for some to tell you that they love you.

Every time it comes to your relationships, my advice is to throw you hat into the ring.

 

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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How to Change Your Man

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How to change your man

Who is Your Man, Right Now?

If your intent is to change your man, I suggest that you first examine what is different. Is he not the same man you first met or did he change?

In speaking with many different women, I find that the men they are attempting to change are, in fact, the same men they first met and fell in love with.

When asked what changed or what is different, it becomes apparent that behavior is relatively identical but the romance may have drifted off, lessening the loving feelings the woman finds within the relationship.

 Okay, I get that. And it is real!

When a man falls in love, he is excited to be close and perfectly happy to pick up the phone and call just to chat and say hello. He feels good about the relationship and himself. Being in love with the right woman makes us men feel invincible, almost like a super hero. We feel like nothing can get us down or be too big a problem. We have the love and support of our woman! Possibly the best feeling in the world! Everyone is happy and nothing could be wrong with the world. Men begin to relax into the relationship, we enjoy the comfort of our closeness. We take great pleasure in coming home and just being with our woman. Naturally, women don’t understand the different tone in the relationship. What went wrong? Does he still love me? Why doesn’t he show me that he loves me? Who can I talk to about this?

I need to change him…

What went wrong? Answer: nothing!

Does he still love me? Answer: YES!

Why doesn’t he show me that he loves me? Answer: He does, just look at it through his eyes.

Who can I talk to about this? Answer: HIM…

 

Here’s Where it can get Weird

 

A few things happen when the relationship gets comfortable, the man relaxes and enjoys the natural feel of being together. Think about it, men like old jeans, an old hats, a 10 year old recliner left over from college, their old hunting gun, grand dad’s fishing rod. We like things we are familiar with. We find comfort in the things we know and trust.

A woman takes great pride in improving the things she has in her life. Remodeling a perfectly good home, finding better books for the children to read, new recipes, new shoes, improve the relationship… Women value themselves by the relationship they have and they want and need it to be as good as it can be. This is who we are and there is nothing wrong, it is just a way of being.

So, when he is relaxed, she is worried. When he is comfortable and wants no change, she is concerned and thinks improvement is needed. When he is feeling like a Super Hero, she makes her move and asks for him to be somebody else. Neither he nor she is wrong, but neither have tried to see it from the others perspective. Can a man change? Yes! Can a woman change a man? Yes, but it must be done in a way that can keep you both happy and committed.

If a man has the woman of his dreams, he feels like a Super Hero. Consider what happens to his ego when the woman of his dreams asks him to change. He feels like he is no longer the man of her dreams. He feels wrong, hurt, lesser and becomes defensive. Now the desired affect of positive change back fires and instead of growing closer, he pulls away. When a man pulls away, many women react by pointing it out and again asking for him to change. In some cases, this sparks the argument of; “Are you seeing another woman?”, “Don’t you love me any more?”, “Have you lost interest in me?” All of these are hollow to the man because he doesn’t feel this way and there is no reasonable argument for him to engage in with his woman. He feels even further reduced and pulls farther away. Again, a backfire!

Worse yet, neither the man nor the woman know what to do. At this point they are both acting on instinct. Righting this ship can be an enormous task.

 

How to Get the Change You Desire

 

This may sound like strange advice, but follow me. You have to accept him for who he is. Reading all the emotions into a man is like looking at a blank sheet of paper and guessing what a full 60 page news paper will have printed. If he is comfortable, he is happy. It has nothing to do with how his woman feels about the relationship. Many of us like the comfort and easy feel of where we are in life. So, once you can accept that and see him for who he is, you can encourage him to change without bruising his ego. Men are little boys that had the misfortune of growing up. Many things about how we act and behave are nothing more than manifestations of our childhood. That explains quite a lot when it comes to our connection to old things, cars, music and the old college recliner.

Now, after you have accepted him for him, get his buy in and get him on your side. Tell him something that he does you are happy with and then ask rather than tell him what you want. Do this at a time when he can be engaged in the conversation, over dinner, just before bed, what ever your time for conversation may be. If you approach him when he is not ready, he will resist. If you tear him down, he will resist. If you remind him of his mother, he will resist.

As the woman, you have all the power to influence him and at the same time destroy him. Men want to please their women, we want to be the Super Hero at all times, for all things and for all reasons. Support our super powers and we are yours. Tug on our imaginary capes and we’ll fly off into our own little Super Hero worlds without you.

Remember, we love you, we want to be with you and we want to make you happy. We will try anything for the women we love. Be our Lois Lane or our Kryptonite, the choice is yours.

 

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Get A Man To Do Whatever You Want

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Get What You WantWhen it comes to relationship advice you can get your fair share from anyone you ask.

Everybody has their own thoughts and opinions about what you should be doing.  Just like them.. here’s mine.

First thing to keep in mind is getting what you want, at it’s core, is a conversation.  It’s a conversation and compromise.  Let’s go through this.

What is it that YOU want?

The first thing I think you should do is articulate for yourself exactly what it is you want.  If you’re going to ask for something you need to be ready to answer questions, defend your position, and explain why you want.  You’ll also want to consider how much you’re willing to give up for it.

I know this could be anything and we’re talking in generalities so think of something right now that you want out of your relationship.  That way as we go through this you can move along the process.

If you know exactly what you want, what you’re willing to give up for it and what you’re NOT willing to give up for it, you’ll be as prepared as ever.  Remember, you’re the one who has to know your limits first.

This isn’t some hard core negotiation but it will require some compromise depending on how open or closed your man is to what you want.

This is a conversation about what YOU want that your man can help deliver on.  It’s about making you happy and what he has to do to make you happy.

Let’s look at an example.  It’s simple and for illustration purposes very surface level…

Let’s say I want to go out with friends on a guys night.  I could just tell my wife I’m going, not care what she says and leave anyway.  That’s won’t do any good for our relationship.

I could say hay, “I’m thinking of going on a guys night this Friday.  Do you have anything planned for the two of us or are you good if I go?”

That’s pretty simple.

Then of course there’s the other end of the spectrum… “Ummm, honey… I’d like to have a guys night, would you give me permission to go?”

Of course there will be trade-offs… what time will you be home, do we need a baby sitter, who are you going with, will you be drinking and will you have a designated driver… etc.

The point is that it’s a conversation.  There might be some trade-offs for each of you.  No matter what, you can set your boundaries and get what it is you want on your terms.

What is your plan of attack?

If this isn’t a negotiation, why do you need a plan of attack?  I want you to use some common sense about this.  You don’t want to catch me right as I’m coming home from work and I’m in a bad mood.  You don’t want to catch me after I’ve just had a conversation with my boss that didn’t go to well.

Not that any of that should influence what you get but why not at least set yourself up for success.  So the right time is just as critical as knowing what you want and how much you’re willing to give up to get it.

Catch your man at the wrong time and you could lessen your chances.

How can you approach him so that he gets something too?

The way to approach him is with your first four buttons open, lots of cleavage showing, and a come hither look on your face.

No, I’m just joking.

You want to approach him as honest and authentic as you can.  You want to be upfront and tell him “I want something and I would like to talk to you about it.  Is now good?”

That sets him up for the conversation.  It gives him a chance to say, now is perfect or let’s talk at a better time.  This is your relationship we’re talking about.  These are your wants and needs up against his wants and needs.  You want to do it when it works for both of you.

Listen, if what you want is something simple, like a piece of chocolate, go friggin’ get it.  That’s not what I’m talking about.  What I’m talking about are the things you want out of your relationship including stuff you like to do, fun, entertainment, and romance.  All of it should be involved in the conversation.

With that being said, I want to reiterate, this is a conversation.  I recommend you have these conversations regularly so that both of you know what each other wants and where you want to go with your lives together.

I can almost guarantee that if you don’t have conversations and keep an open, authentic line of communication going, your relationship will be doomed.  Remember, these strategies are good for both men and women.  It’s just dialogue.

Thoughts, ideas, comments, gripes?  Post them below in the comment section.

To a healthy relationship,

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Relationship Boundaries

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Full Throttle or a Limiting Governor?

In previous posts I have encouraged my readers to get involved with their partners and discuss needs, wants and desires. Getting involved doesn’t always mean getting your way. In fact, there is no right or wrong in conversation, just that there is my side and your side, his side and her side, their side and our side. No right about it, just a point of view and, with luck, the reasons or feelings associated.

Having open conversation about sex and relationship boundaries will open up a world of exploration if done correctly. So how do we accomplish this? I’ll make a few suggestions.

First, share this article with your partner.

Second, ask how your partner feels about having a conversation of this type.

Don’t have the boundaries conversation at this time.

Third, schedule a time convenient for both of you.

Make it a date, something relaxing like drinks and dinner.

Fourth, remove all barriers to the discussion.

Have complete openness and acceptance.

Most important, don’t judge.

This is conversation not a boxing match.

It doesn’t hurt to talk. What hurts is the meaning we place on the words.

Fifth, have the conversation and see what opens up.

Get involved early in this discussion because finding out that you’re not compatible sexually is best done before the marriage, house, two cars and kids. However, if you are already at that place in life, use this discussion to gain control of each others expectations. Find out what works well and what’s lacking. You may be very surprised to find out what the other wishes to explore or has been keeping close to the vest.

If you haven’t read my previous articles regarding how to discuss and how to listen, this may be a good time to include them as well. These will also give you tools and guidance for an open dialogue. See the associated links.

Source:  The Language of Love

Source:  Listening Like A Lover

 Should Relationships Have Limits?

Absolutely and with out doubt! Emphatically, yes, and whether we acknowledge them or not our relationships have them either covertly or overtly. Talking about them just makes us aware and able to respect each others boundaries. Furthermore, by discussing them we may discover that limits we placed, for the respect of our partners, aren’t their restrictions at all.

Take for example, sexual positions. In my research and conversations with my partner, it is obvious that there are more positions and “styles” to sex than any one book could capture. In addition, I suggest that discussing ex’s is also okay when it comes to what we found pleasurable and what we did not. I get that it can be a jealousy issue, but we have to set that aside to get to the good stuff. If it felt good then and you’re in love with each other now, why not share, discuss and experiment?

Sexual positions are only one of the many topics couples can dive into. This one is easy, we don’t put too much into the emotional portion and the benefits can be wonderful. Talk it through; explore the good and the bad. If a subject is unearthed whereby one partner is less than interested, don’t shut down, talk it through. Why? Because, talking it through and completely understanding will lead to new subjects developing or opening up. Shutting down at the mention of something (oral, anal, toys…) will only stop the dialogue, not promote it. There is nothing wrong with being a little uncomfortable with the conversation. And it’s better than being uncomfortable when actually confronted in the bedroom.

Find out why a partner has discomfort about a topic. Is it a past experience, something he or she read, a story from a friend? What ever it is, talk it through and respect the conversation and the emotions in therein. Properly conveyed, the limitations will never be questioned or exceeded.

Until you have a complete grasp of the subject as well as each others likes, dislikes, desires and fears, the subject remains open and unanswered. Without completing that discussion, one or both partners will have questions remaining. Talk until you’re board, not until you’re uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable is part of the process. Keep it up and before long you’ll be experts.

 Expectations Verses Reality

Managing our expectation is the basis of relationship boundaries. When one partner has an expectation and the other partner is unaware, reality and expectation do not align. This is when feelings get hurt, we get disappointed and possibly become cynical with our partners. All of this can be avoided with conversation prior to getting upset.

Considering men are very simple creatures and we enjoy the benefits of pleasing our women, why do you think we would hold back when it comes to your desires. We simply don’t know. Share with us and we will share with you, but let’s not shut each other down when the conversation gets going.

Our minds are programmed to run all the time. And if we don’t have good data for them to work with, the mind fills in the blanks in order to have, what it thinks, is the completed thought process. Providing the limits and boundaries gives our minds clear understanding of what is expected and leaves no gaps to fill in for a false reality. We love to please and if we could, we would read your minds. The sad thing is, we can’t. Jay Simcic posted a good article on this subject a while back. You may want to add this to your reading assignments as well. See the link below.

Source: Men and Women Read Minds Poorly

So get in to the conversation and if you have any trouble, let me know. If you have success, let me know also. And if anyone is interested and wants a list of subjects recommended for the Relationship Boundaries Conversation, email me and I’ll see that we get that out to you and your significant dialogue partner. Intercourse doesn’t always have to be sexual, but it’s a great place to start!

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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How a Woman Should Treat Her Man

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While searching on-line I found a really great article. It was written by a woman and posted as Cyra_Ann’s Blog (see link below). Normally I tend to be very critical of women offering advice about men, but this one gets a lot of things right. Big props to her and I hope to see more from her soon.

Keeping in mind that I expected a “Train Wreck”, the blog was concise and to the point. No extra words in an attempt to look good and it covered some big points that I feel most couples should delve into. I intend to cover many of these in up coming posts, but for now, let’s cover two of the high spots.

Exploring the advice

The title is

“10 Ways How a Woman Should Treat Her Man…”

Right away I was interested. The title specifies the behavior of the woman and intimates a positive result from the man. I wanted to see this…

 

9. Try to never contradict or embarrass him in front of his friends, co-workers, or family. That can be very emasculating. Sometimes you might have to really bite your tongue, but you can talk to him later when you’re both alone and it’ll show that you respect him.

 

WOW! And thank you. I couldn’t believe a woman was suggesting this to other women. I have seen men completely embarrassed by a wife or girlfriend in this manner.  Generally, no one means for it to happen, but quick tongues in the presence of others can cause hurt feelings. With that said, guys are not off the hook by any means. Although I was pleased to see this mentioned as advice for women, men are also guilty. Rather than take sides, this is good advice no matter the gender. Being right isn’t as important as being supportive, kind and respectful to our significant others.

 

4. Listen first, and then talk. Let him finish what he has to say before you interrupt. Ask questions if you’re not sure about what he said.

Cyra_Ann’s Blog

 

Did I read this correctly? Did she really say this? So many of our relationship issues come from trying to make a point, rather than understanding one. And again, this goes for everyone. The interruption of conversation denies the actual conversation itself. Both parties are left wanting because nothing was actually discussed. Tempers flare or the conversation shuts down and rightfully so.
No one enjoys being lectured to, but meaningful, open conversation can lead to understanding and trust. Yes trust! In, an up coming post, we discuss this in greater detail, but just consider that trust is built on understanding a persons intentions. If we understand completely, we can choose to trust or distrust. Otherwise, we have to fill in the blank spaces to make a decision. But then, who do we understand? Not the one we intended to…

This is good information for everyone. I like this blog so much that I will continue its review over the next two weeks in order to cover each of the points in detail.

So, whether you like the post or not, please leave me a comment below. And if there is anything on your mind regarding how a man thinks about sex, love or relationships just ask and I or one of the staff will share our opinion.

Remember to keep the dialog going and if you don’t know…

ASK! ASK! ASK!

Until next week…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear.

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