Relationships

Threesomes, Foursomes, Moresomes, Oh My…

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I was disappointed to read a recent article By Shannon Bradley-Colleary. It was published in the Huffington Post and titled Marriage and the Ménage à Trois. I have included the link for you here Marriage and the Ménage à Trois. The disappointment came when Mrs. Bradley-Colleary tried to explain that sex was the beginning of love and that it should not be tampered with. There should be no other explorations of a couple with additional partners as it too may lead to love. She says’ “In my experience, sex transmogrifies into, if you’re lucky, genuine love, if you’re less lucky, fluttery infatuation or, if you’re totally screwed, mad obsession”.

Really? Why can’t sex just be sex? And how is it that she speaks for every married couple? I don’t have the answer to that one, but I can add that many couples, married and otherwise, have successful and lively ventures into the world of multiple partners. I have interviewed many who claim the “Lifestyle” saved their marriages and they love the new intimacy and value it brings to their relationships.

I do not speak for all, but I assure you that there are as many different likes as there are dislikes. Mrs. Bradley-Colleary states that she stayed with a man she thought was Satan because the sex was good. Huh? But don’t try a threesome, he may fall in love and leave you. Really?

Every game we play has a set of rules. Relationships are similar in that we have rules around them that we want everyone to adhere to. Marriage is one of those relationships. If the rules aren’t broken we feel like we can win the game and be happy together. But, everybody has to play by the rules. Who’s rules?

Open up the Rules Book

As with any relationship, define the rules and stick to them. Be open to conversation but not deviation. Discuss openly with your partner what is acceptable and what is not. If you wish to try a multi-partner experience I suggest you make a plan, define the rules and play by them. Deviation will cause penalty flags to be thrown leading to disaster. If you feel relationship disaster is the end result, re-think the event.

When we are honest about what we want and can live with the outcome, we have a reasonable relationship between those involved. It will never suit everyone, but if makes you happy, go for it.

Again I suggest, make a plan, a set of rules and stick to them.

Can it be fun and enhancing? That’s for you to decide not Mrs. Bradley-Colleary.

If this subject interests you, please let us know and we will be glad to write a few follow ups.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

Take a look at Jay Simcic’s latest book. Here’s the link to find it on Amazon.com: Mancode Secrets Revealed. I highly recommend it for all of our readers. It covers a ton of aspects that you could benefit from in your relationships. The reviews have been great and I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

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A Triple Punishment

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A Triple PunishmentImagine you’re at home with your partner.  You can’t seem to get on the same page.  You can’t seem to agree on anything.  One minute he’s agreeing with you.  And the next minute you are at each other’s throats.

You feel like you want to throw something at him.  You have already yelled at the top of your lungs.  If not you probably wanted to.

It doesn’t happen all the time but when it does it seems to linger like a case of bad breath.  But you want to do something about it.

You don’t know what’s causing it but you are punishing each other on different levels as you go through this argument.

Let me share a story I was reading the other day that seems fitting…

A man well known for his prodigious greed and selfishness was brought before the judge, accused of corruption. The case was clear; the man was manifestly guilty. It only remained for the judge to decide upon the punishment.

The judge, a deeply wise and perceptive woman, considered the nature of the crime and the personality of the man she was dealing with. After a little thought, she looked at the convicted man and said, “I am going to offer you a choice. You may choose your punishment. Choose between these. The first punishment is to pay as a fine a thousand golden dollars. The second is to accept a hundred lashes across your back. The third is to eat ten kilos of raw onions.”

The convict was delighted. He could save his money and escape the pain of corporal suffering. “I’ll take the onions,” he shouted, a huge smile breaking across his face.

However, by the time he had finished just half of the first kilo of raw onions, his eyes were streaming, his thirst was raging, and his stomach felt as if it was going to burst.

“Please,” he pleaded, “spare me the onions. I’ll take the hundred lashes.” And so it was that the official appointed for this task picked up the lash and began to apply his art to the back of the convict. After no more than ten strokes, the convict could bear the pain no longer. He thought he would die.

“Please,” he pleaded, “spare me the lash. I will pay the thousand golden dollars.”

And so it was that the convict was punished in each of the three ways for his crime against society, and the judge’s insight into character and personality was shown to be profound.

Primary source: Nossrat Peseschkian.
General source: Oriental tradition.

Source: Owen, Nick (2001-01-08). The Magic of Metaphor: 77 stories for teachers, trainers and thinkers (Kindle Locations 1529-1543). Crown House Publishing. Kindle Edition.

As you can see the convicted man went through lots of punishment.  And it wasn’t needed.

It’s similar to how we argue when things don’t go our way.  First we have something to argue about.  Then things are said that don’t feel good.  That causes another level of suffering.  That in turn causes thoughts and concerns about yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

Next thing you know you’re playing a movie in your head that send you into a deeper spiral of despair.  It’s suffering that you don’t have to be going through.

When you consider that all of that can be stopped with a simple conversation you’ll realize how not significant the fight, argument, and suffering really was.

Consider in Bobby’s book, that you can get on Amazon, he talks about how to choose and deal with men.  Don’t think that it only applies to single women.  This applies even if you’ve been married for 60 years.

Why?

Because he talks about your world view and how it filters every decision you make.  He talks about how you walk through life with a set way that causes the insignificant to become significant.

But there’s hope!

You’ll quickly realize from the book and this discussion that it all can be handled through an authentic two-way conversation.  Once that begins you’ll start to uncover the hidden meaning you give things.  You’ll see why you make things significant.  You’ll understand that he said what he said and there isn’t much you can do about that except for react.  And it’s in YOUR reaction that says how the rest of the conversation will go.

I want you to be aware of yourself and your thoughts of those around you.  Remember, it’s how you see them that has you act the way you do.

Leave me your comments.  Tell me what you’re dealing with and let’s begin to dissect the issues.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

 

Jay

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Don’t Like Me? Fuck Off.

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I was scrolling through my Facebook page when I came across this sign and thought about the simplicity of the message. It came from another Facebook page, here it is for you to check it out. Big Fake Titties, Guns & manly shit that’s gonna piss your girlfriend off.

We constantly write about the nature of relationships and what can be done to repair or correct them. We question who we are being and what actions have caused issues within our relationships. We press the subject of changing us and forget about the actions of others. But there is also a part of yielding that we seldom examine.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

I am a huge advocate for the advancement of free thinking. I suggest that each of us needs to occasionally step back and look at where we are in the journey of life. An objective view can bring interesting perspective to any subject or relationship. More importantly, it provides us an opportunity to look at an item without placing meaning on it.

Take a look at Christine and Derrick, they have two small children ages 4 and 7. The 7 year old boy constantly uses foul language and when unhappy will cuss at the parents. His teachers have asked Christine and Derrick to control their child because the same behavior is reported in the classroom. When Christine and Derrick address the problem, they simply talk to the boy and attempt to explain why his language is unacceptable. There is no punishment, just a conversation. Christine and Derrick fear that the child will not love them if he is punished in any manner and they choose to try to converse rather than manage him any other way. In addition, they have a rising fear that the younger child is beginning to behave in the same manner.

The meaning Christine and Derrick have placed on punishment is the the children will no longer love them. They have such a fear of loosing the children’s love that they are willing to run the risk of allowing their behavior to continue and grow. Whether they are correct or not, both Christine and Derrick have placed meaning on punishment and it has paralyzed them from action. I can assure you that my parents had no such fear and they doled out punishment often.

I encourage Christine and Derrick to step back and look at the bigger picture. Is it possible that they are allowing and encouraging the children to behave is such a way? Is it possible that the children see their acquiescence as a sign to continue? Is it possible that the meaning they place on punishment is really nothing at all?

This is just one example of how we yield in relationships to avoid problems.

The Other Side of the Coin

I challenge you to use your own judgment in any relationship to examine the real issues. Throwing up your hands and saying, “That’s just the way it is!” is not always the best solution. For instance, Christine and Derrick have other options but they choose not to employ them.

In our adult relationships the same is true. We have options to engage, get angry, converse, be silent, there is any number of methods but when is it enough? That’s the real question…

In the case of my childhood, if I had chosen to cuss at my parents, my father would have seen to it that this particular mistake was a one time occurrence. He was strict and we all knew what the acceptable parameters were of behavior. He was not worried about our loving image of him. I thank him for raising me to be who I am. Enough to him was somewhat smaller than to others.

As adults we sometimes see our options to be limited and we restrict ourselves from acting. Christine and Derrick seem very restricted. But what if you are in a hurtful and harmful relationship? When do you have enough? You must make that choice for yourself.

I suggest the same process, step back, take an objective look and take action. My personal view is that if the relationship is mentally or physically abusive, exiting has fewer consequences than remaining. And I mean this for any relationship, spousal, personal, working environment, a harmful relationship is just that and nothing more.

If you’ve done all you can do to get the relationship to a positive place, than what’s left?

Don’t Just Flip the Coin

I enjoy using the relationship strategies we teach here at RLA Advisors. I like knowing there are options to motivate and improve my relationships. But I also have to admit that not all people will be positively impacted every time.

I ask that you continue to utilize our techniques and attempt to improve your relationships.

But when all else fails and you don’t like me, fuck off. Problem solved.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

Once again I want to direct you to Jay Simcic’s latest book. Here’s the link to find it on Amazon.com: Mancode Secrets Revealed. I highly recommend it for all of our readers. It covers a ton of aspects that you could benefit from in your relationships. The reviews have been great and I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

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Communication Confessions Of A Geek

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GeekI was reading a book the other day to improve my understanding of people in business and politics and how the world works in reality.  Yes, I  know that’s kind of geeky but I love that stuff.  But what became clear very quickly was how it crossed over into the realm of relationships.

And that’s where I asked myself, why do we misunderstand each other and act weird when we do?  I don’t mince words.  I typically say exactly what I mean but why did my wife misunderstand me and then we both act weird.  Or why does your husband misunderstand you.

I think you’ll enjoy the excerpt form Frank I. Luntz book “Words That Work:  It’s Not What You Say That Matters, It’s What People Hear” that I picked out for you.  It delivers a powerful message.  Again, this is from a book that is not about relationships but if you read this passage with your relationship mind you’ll quickly discover what I’m talking about and why it is effective.

It’s not what you say, it’s what people hear.   You can have the best message in the world, but the person on the receiving end will always understand it through the prism of his or her own emotions, preconceptions, prejudices, and preexisting beliefs. It’s not enough to be correct or reasonable or even brilliant. The key to successful communication is to take the imaginative leap of stuffing yourself right into your listener’s shoes to know what they are thinking and feeling in the deepest recesses of their mind and heart. How that person perceives what you say is even more real, at least in a practical sense, than how you perceive yourself.

When someone asks me to illustrate the concept of “words that work,” I tell them to read Orwell’s 1984—and then see the movie. In particular, I refer them to the book passage that describes Room 101—or as Orwell basically describes it, the place where everyone’s personal, individual nightmares come true. If your greatest fear is snakes, you open the door to a room full of snakes. If your fear is drowning, your Room 101 fills to the brim with water. To me, this is the most frightening, horrific, imaginative concept ever put on paper, simply because it encourages you to imagine your own Room 101. Words that work, whether fiction or reality, not only explain but also motivate. They cause you to think as well as act. They trigger emotion as well as understanding.

Luntz, Frank I. (2007-01-02). Words That Work: It’s Not What You Say that Matters, It’s What People Hear (Kindle Locations 124-135). Hyperion. Kindle Edition.

Do you get that?  It’s not about what you said or how you said it.  It’s about how he filtered what you said and how you sounded to him.  Once you get that one concept… all by itself… it has the ability to transform your relationship to a new level of understanding and connection.  Understand this concept and you’ll begin to gain a level of relatedness with your partner you’ve probably never had before.

But the question becomes…

How can you know how he hears you?

The first thing that comes to mind is to ask him.

If you say something and he misunderstands you, instead of scolding him or getting upset and shutting down, ask him to feed back to you what he heard and what it meant to him.  Do that and you can begin to get on the same footing and level the playing field.  Now you can begin to understand each other more clearly.  Doing this is like wiping a dirty window with some window cleaner.

But here’s the truth about it.   This is just one aspect that you’ll break through.  Consider that we all have hundreds, possibly thousands, of filters that we hear, see, taste, and smell through.  Obviously we don’t have to break down every single filter.  But by understanding that there is more than one you can begin to take on your relationships at an intimate level as well as at work in a different way.

It definitely gives you a new way of viewing things.

What can you do now that you know this?

Now that you know all this you can begin to see the depth and complexity of your man.  Sometimes he may open up to you.  Sometimes he won’t.  I urge you to talk to him as often as possible.  Understand him as much as you can.  If he won’t open up on a particular topic consider talking to another man.  It’s not the perfect solution but it will help.

And if you want to get a quick overview of what your man thinks, I ask that you visit Amazon.com and pick up a copy this amazing book called A$$holes to Zipper Heads:  A to Z Guide For Choosing A Man, it will give you an eye opening look at your own filters and how they have caused you to choose the man you have now and in the past.  The insight will be tremendous and it already has 3 Five Star reviews.

I hope this article has been helpful.  Until next time…

Love… to infinity and beyond.

 

Jay

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How to Have the Best Five Minutes of Your Life!

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Last week I posted and article about how we filter things we hear. I‘ve included the link here for you to read: The Dumbest Thing I’ve Ever Heard! And we actually filter everything that comes to us as adults. We see, hear, touch, taste and smell through filters that are deep seeded in our brains. There is nothing wrong with us, but it is important to recognize that we have these filters.

We see smoke and we think fire. We see ice and we think cold. It is automatic. In some cases it can be a great filter. For example when we see a fire, we think hot and could cause damage. This is a good filter designed to keep us safe and free of harm.

On the other hand, I will use a very bad stereotype. Many people see a blond woman and immediately think she may be the typical “Dumb Blond”. This is not such a good filter. I have met many extremely intelligent blonds and many not so smart brunettes. This filter serves no good purpose. Both come from our past and are there because someone told us something or we experienced an event that made us believe it to be true.

Our input filters are in place to keep us safe but they also work to develop and support our biases. Consider all fire has the potential to burn and cause damage. We know this to be true and we have evidence to support such a belief. Consider all blonds are dumb. We know this not to be true but the bias and stereotype remains and the filter for both stays in place.

Now think of what life would be like if we didn’t have all of those filters. Intelligence alone will keep us safe. We will continue to avoid harmful things because we know this via intellectual reasoning, But if we could remove the rest…

Life Through the Eyes of a Child

Children have no filters. These are developed over time and education. They don’t realize that the stove is hot until they experience it. I mean they actually have to touch a hot stove and from there, they KNOW what hot means.

Imagine how they view the world… With no filters to stereotype things, events or people, everything is new and in question. A child approaches any thing, person or situation with curiosity and no internal filtering system. If a problem is presented, the child will find a way around or over. There is nothing too big for them to tackle. If food is on the counter a child will stack chairs, tables, toys, move furniture or use a broom handle, but they will attempt to get the food they see and want. No problem, I’ll get to it.

Sure it may not work perfectly the first attempt, but the child will press on undaunted until they succeed. With no filters they are fearless and full of the newness the world has to offer. What a great way to venture through life!

The Wonder of Life

As a child we have this great sense of adventure. We go from one thing to the next with as much excitement as we can muster. Play time is for learning a new skill and children relish in the activities presented to them. Imagination runs wild with thoughts of what can be done with an over-sized corrugated box. Forget the toys, let’s make a fort out of the box and play a game with it.

It is incredible to watch children play with the smallest and most meaningless items while having a great time. Without filters everything looks interesting.

We have this same potential as adults. Adults are given situations which we find to be curious, but the frequency in which they occur seem to be far less often. And the reason for this is our filters. We have chosen to block out the excitement of experience and move through life as efficiently as possible without wonder and curiosity.

Our adult filters provide us an expectation of what is about to happen or take place. We use this to tool to fill that childhood void with adult style meaning that shields us from the full wonder of what actually takes place in the world. Our filters wrap us in a cocoon insulating us from the present of the present. By that I mean we are given the gift of life each day, but by not being present to the world around us, we lose the value of the gift over and over again.

The Best Five Minutes of Your Life!

It is possible that the best five minutes of your life begin now. By forcing yourself to remove your internal filters, you too can get back to that childish view of life. Every experience can be new, exciting and fresh. Consider that you have no idea of what is about to happen and simply enjoy being wherever and with whom ever you may be. Strip away the filters and get back to seeing what happens next.

The old saying goes: No matter how big and tough you are, when a two year old hands you a toy cell phone, you say “hello!” And why not, the child wants to play the game of life. As adults we are too busy fighting from one issue to the next. The reality is, we are playing the game too. The difference is that we are annoyed by so much of what “happens” to us. Nothing really happens to us, it just happens. What we make it into, now that’s a different story.

I have been told, “I have some bad news for you”. The truth is, all you have is news, it is neither good nor bad. I challenge you to begin the next five minutes filter free. Listen to what is said, see what is really there if you expect nothing what you get may be quite a nice surprise!

Think of how conversation with your significant other could be without expectation. What would dialogue with your children be like if you were present and without pretense. Every thing we do in life can have that new and exciting feel if we can step back and remove filters and expectations. Every five minutes has the potential to be the best five minutes of your life!

If you still don’t believe me, try planning a romantic evening with your partner. Remove your filters and expectation and ask them for the same. Make each event for the evening filter free. Look at the conversations and actions as if they are the first time you are viewing them. Get present to what’s there as you experience the evening as the first time you were on a date. Be curious and explore each other without the cumbersome filters we all have in our lives. Commit to making every five minutes on the date the best five minutes of your life. Se where this takes you and let me know what you experience. I don’t know about you, but it sounds pretty hot to me!

Speaking of “hot”, Jay Simcic has his latest book out now and I highly recommend it for all of our readers. Here’s the link to find it on Amazon.com: Mancode Secrets Revealed. It covers many of the insights we fail to address in our daily relationships,. The reviews of this book have been positive and very strong. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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