Relationships

Get A Man To Do Whatever You Want

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 0.0/4 (0 votes cast)

Get What You WantWhen it comes to relationship advice you can get your fair share from anyone you ask.

Everybody has their own thoughts and opinions about what you should be doing.  Just like them.. here’s mine.

First thing to keep in mind is getting what you want, at it’s core, is a conversation.  It’s a conversation and compromise.  Let’s go through this.

What is it that YOU want?

The first thing I think you should do is articulate for yourself exactly what it is you want.  If you’re going to ask for something you need to be ready to answer questions, defend your position, and explain why you want.  You’ll also want to consider how much you’re willing to give up for it.

I know this could be anything and we’re talking in generalities so think of something right now that you want out of your relationship.  That way as we go through this you can move along the process.

If you know exactly what you want, what you’re willing to give up for it and what you’re NOT willing to give up for it, you’ll be as prepared as ever.  Remember, you’re the one who has to know your limits first.

This isn’t some hard core negotiation but it will require some compromise depending on how open or closed your man is to what you want.

This is a conversation about what YOU want that your man can help deliver on.  It’s about making you happy and what he has to do to make you happy.

Let’s look at an example.  It’s simple and for illustration purposes very surface level…

Let’s say I want to go out with friends on a guys night.  I could just tell my wife I’m going, not care what she says and leave anyway.  That’s won’t do any good for our relationship.

I could say hay, “I’m thinking of going on a guys night this Friday.  Do you have anything planned for the two of us or are you good if I go?”

That’s pretty simple.

Then of course there’s the other end of the spectrum… “Ummm, honey… I’d like to have a guys night, would you give me permission to go?”

Of course there will be trade-offs… what time will you be home, do we need a baby sitter, who are you going with, will you be drinking and will you have a designated driver… etc.

The point is that it’s a conversation.  There might be some trade-offs for each of you.  No matter what, you can set your boundaries and get what it is you want on your terms.

What is your plan of attack?

If this isn’t a negotiation, why do you need a plan of attack?  I want you to use some common sense about this.  You don’t want to catch me right as I’m coming home from work and I’m in a bad mood.  You don’t want to catch me after I’ve just had a conversation with my boss that didn’t go to well.

Not that any of that should influence what you get but why not at least set yourself up for success.  So the right time is just as critical as knowing what you want and how much you’re willing to give up to get it.

Catch your man at the wrong time and you could lessen your chances.

How can you approach him so that he gets something too?

The way to approach him is with your first four buttons open, lots of cleavage showing, and a come hither look on your face.

No, I’m just joking.

You want to approach him as honest and authentic as you can.  You want to be upfront and tell him “I want something and I would like to talk to you about it.  Is now good?”

That sets him up for the conversation.  It gives him a chance to say, now is perfect or let’s talk at a better time.  This is your relationship we’re talking about.  These are your wants and needs up against his wants and needs.  You want to do it when it works for both of you.

Listen, if what you want is something simple, like a piece of chocolate, go friggin’ get it.  That’s not what I’m talking about.  What I’m talking about are the things you want out of your relationship including stuff you like to do, fun, entertainment, and romance.  All of it should be involved in the conversation.

With that being said, I want to reiterate, this is a conversation.  I recommend you have these conversations regularly so that both of you know what each other wants and where you want to go with your lives together.

I can almost guarantee that if you don’t have conversations and keep an open, authentic line of communication going, your relationship will be doomed.  Remember, these strategies are good for both men and women.  It’s just dialogue.

Thoughts, ideas, comments, gripes?  Post them below in the comment section.

To a healthy relationship,

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 0.0/4 (0 votes cast)

Relationship Boundaries

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 4.0/4 (2 votes cast)

Full Throttle or a Limiting Governor?

In previous posts I have encouraged my readers to get involved with their partners and discuss needs, wants and desires. Getting involved doesn’t always mean getting your way. In fact, there is no right or wrong in conversation, just that there is my side and your side, his side and her side, their side and our side. No right about it, just a point of view and, with luck, the reasons or feelings associated.

Having open conversation about sex and relationship boundaries will open up a world of exploration if done correctly. So how do we accomplish this? I’ll make a few suggestions.

First, share this article with your partner.

Second, ask how your partner feels about having a conversation of this type.

Don’t have the boundaries conversation at this time.

Third, schedule a time convenient for both of you.

Make it a date, something relaxing like drinks and dinner.

Fourth, remove all barriers to the discussion.

Have complete openness and acceptance.

Most important, don’t judge.

This is conversation not a boxing match.

It doesn’t hurt to talk. What hurts is the meaning we place on the words.

Fifth, have the conversation and see what opens up.

Get involved early in this discussion because finding out that you’re not compatible sexually is best done before the marriage, house, two cars and kids. However, if you are already at that place in life, use this discussion to gain control of each others expectations. Find out what works well and what’s lacking. You may be very surprised to find out what the other wishes to explore or has been keeping close to the vest.

If you haven’t read my previous articles regarding how to discuss and how to listen, this may be a good time to include them as well. These will also give you tools and guidance for an open dialogue. See the associated links.

Source:  The Language of Love

Source:  Listening Like A Lover

 Should Relationships Have Limits?

Absolutely and with out doubt! Emphatically, yes, and whether we acknowledge them or not our relationships have them either covertly or overtly. Talking about them just makes us aware and able to respect each others boundaries. Furthermore, by discussing them we may discover that limits we placed, for the respect of our partners, aren’t their restrictions at all.

Take for example, sexual positions. In my research and conversations with my partner, it is obvious that there are more positions and “styles” to sex than any one book could capture. In addition, I suggest that discussing ex’s is also okay when it comes to what we found pleasurable and what we did not. I get that it can be a jealousy issue, but we have to set that aside to get to the good stuff. If it felt good then and you’re in love with each other now, why not share, discuss and experiment?

Sexual positions are only one of the many topics couples can dive into. This one is easy, we don’t put too much into the emotional portion and the benefits can be wonderful. Talk it through; explore the good and the bad. If a subject is unearthed whereby one partner is less than interested, don’t shut down, talk it through. Why? Because, talking it through and completely understanding will lead to new subjects developing or opening up. Shutting down at the mention of something (oral, anal, toys…) will only stop the dialogue, not promote it. There is nothing wrong with being a little uncomfortable with the conversation. And it’s better than being uncomfortable when actually confronted in the bedroom.

Find out why a partner has discomfort about a topic. Is it a past experience, something he or she read, a story from a friend? What ever it is, talk it through and respect the conversation and the emotions in therein. Properly conveyed, the limitations will never be questioned or exceeded.

Until you have a complete grasp of the subject as well as each others likes, dislikes, desires and fears, the subject remains open and unanswered. Without completing that discussion, one or both partners will have questions remaining. Talk until you’re board, not until you’re uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable is part of the process. Keep it up and before long you’ll be experts.

 Expectations Verses Reality

Managing our expectation is the basis of relationship boundaries. When one partner has an expectation and the other partner is unaware, reality and expectation do not align. This is when feelings get hurt, we get disappointed and possibly become cynical with our partners. All of this can be avoided with conversation prior to getting upset.

Considering men are very simple creatures and we enjoy the benefits of pleasing our women, why do you think we would hold back when it comes to your desires. We simply don’t know. Share with us and we will share with you, but let’s not shut each other down when the conversation gets going.

Our minds are programmed to run all the time. And if we don’t have good data for them to work with, the mind fills in the blanks in order to have, what it thinks, is the completed thought process. Providing the limits and boundaries gives our minds clear understanding of what is expected and leaves no gaps to fill in for a false reality. We love to please and if we could, we would read your minds. The sad thing is, we can’t. Jay Simcic posted a good article on this subject a while back. You may want to add this to your reading assignments as well. See the link below.

Source: Men and Women Read Minds Poorly

So get in to the conversation and if you have any trouble, let me know. If you have success, let me know also. And if anyone is interested and wants a list of subjects recommended for the Relationship Boundaries Conversation, email me and I’ll see that we get that out to you and your significant dialogue partner. Intercourse doesn’t always have to be sexual, but it’s a great place to start!

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 4.0/4 (2 votes cast)

Relationship Advice In A Facebook World

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 0.0/4 (0 votes cast)

Relationship Advice For FacebookHow do you handle your relationship in a world of Facebook and other social sites?

First consider Facebook has over 901 million monthly active users.  Over 526 million of those people use Facebook every single day.

What does that tell you?

It tells you that TONS of people are using Facebook to communicate, interact, and engage with other people.  This site and others like it, have changed the face of how we connect .

Had it not been for Facebook I would have never reconnected with old high school friends I haven’t seen in 15 years or more.

Facebook makes it fast and easy to find people and engage with them.

You don’t have to sit on the phone for an hour catching up.  You can catch up with people on your own time.  For goodness sake, you can even be a voyeur of sorts because you can watch and never interact.

That’s kind of SCARY at the same time.

This connection engine has also created an ability to meet new people faster than ever before.  You have the ability to find people who like the same things.  It’s pretty easy to use Facebook to find your next fling or business relationship.

And that’s what some people are doing.  They’re sexting, emailing, and engaging in fantasies outside of their marriage or relationship with others using the inner workings of the biggest social site in the world.

Facebook isn’t the only site that allows you to do this, there are others out there.  It’s just that Facebook is the biggest.

Either way, if you want to meet people there is no shortage of ability.

How could Facebook impact your relationship or marriage?

It’s much easier to connect with old girlfriends, boyfriends, and partners.  You can sneak peeks of what those people are doing in their lives and then engage them.  It gives you the ability to rekindle old flames, even if you didn’t intend to.

It can definitely cause jealousy like you’ve never seen before.  Consider that you have the ability to have conversations in front of all your friends and many others.  If someone wants to post something about you that could impact your relationship, you don’t have much control over it and you’ll have some explaining to do.

Then again, much of it can be hidden through the email system inside of Facebook.  So then all you need is a password.

But it’s the public arena that can impact your relationship the most.  With digital photos and the ability to post them almost instantly you could be looking at problems.

How so?

You can be tagged in photos that you’re not interested in others knowing about.  You and some friends are out at a festival.  You’re dancing and having a good time while some woman you don’t know comes over and starts dancing with you and calling you the “King”.  She tries to get all up in your grill.

Just as she bumps up against you someone in your group takes a picture.  That picture gets posted to Facebook and you’re tagged.  The problem is the woman in the picture doing the grinding isn’t your wife.  And the picture doesn’t let everyone know that you pushed her way 0.3 seconds later.

You can control what you post but you can’t control what other people post and in what context.  That leaves everyone else to make their own decisions.  And these things can happen to both men and women.

Can you see the impact of our digital world.  Here’s a glimpse of the impact:

It turns out the kiss of death for marriages might be more like a poke.

A third of all divorce filings in 2011 contained the word “Facebook,” according to Divorce Online. And more than 80 percent of U.S. divorce attorneys say social networking in divorce proceedings is on the rise, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.

Divorce lawyer Marian Rosen, who practices in Houston, said she’s increasingly seen social media cited in divorce proceedings and child custody battles.

“We’ve had instances where they pull up Facebook in the course of a deposition,” Rosen told ABC News, adding that in addition to proving infidelity, she’s seen cases in which children’s profiles are cited as evidence to suggest bad parenting. “Once it’s out there for the world, it’s very difficult … to erase from the past. There are going to be trails that can be followed.”

Source:  abcnews.go.com

That should give you a taste of what’s going on.

How do you handle it if you see messages to your spouse or partner from someone you don’t know?

First don’t come to any conclusions.  You’ve just found something that has triggered emotions and right now you only have the context that YOU are making up.

You have no idea what the situation is so the first thing you should do is talk to your spouse or partner.  Find out what he’s thinking, what the message is all about, and what it means to him.

You also may want to come to terms with how you got the information.  Where you spying on him?  Did you already suspect him of something. You may have to answer to him.

Conversation is going to be the fastest way to diffuse any Facebook or social media related blunders.

It requires keeping cool and understanding the full situation.  Remember, you can only control YOU and how you’re acting in the situation.  When we get emotional we tend to let our brain fill in any blanks (Our brain already does that fine on its own, let alone in emotional situations.)

Either way, you can see how messages through Facebook or any other digital media can cause an impact on your relationship.  It’s important to keep the conversation open and understand the ground rules for each other.

Which brings me to a question that has come up recently…

Is sexting considered being unfaithful or grounds for divorce?

I guess that depends on your definition of ‘being unfaithful’.  It makes me think of the Clinton era… “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

I know that walks the fence but some people are ok with a relationship that involves digital flirting, sexting, and online adult play.  While others would find even a digital relationship as adultery.

Sexting and engaging in digital relationships can get you in trouble if it’s secretive and hasn’t been discussed in your relationship.

Do I think it would be the only reason to cause a divorce?

Of course not.  But I do think it can be used as evidence.

Here’s an excerpt from an attorney:

Silvana D. Raso, a New Jersey divorce attorney, says that “most courts will recognize this as a form of being unfaithful through an outside romantic relationship, ” adding that, “most people do set forth why they are getting a divorce and can use this as the reason.”

Read more: Fox News

None of this is new.  It’s just taking a different media that allows for it to GO VIRAL.  Before the internet it was letters, phone calls, and visits.  It was harder to hide.

Now with the internet and all of these social sites, it’s easier than ever to meet people and later hide the romance.  If that’s your thing, great.  Make sure it’s part of the conversation in your relationship.

Otherwise you may be in for a rude awakening.

What does all this mean to you?

It means we’re friggin human.  It means our brains act the same for all of us.  We fill in blanks we don’t know.  And the blanks we fill in seem to come from our survival mechanism.  We want to be right, protect our emotions, and prevent a horrible outcome.

In the process, if we act on these survival emotions, we may cause more harm than good.

What you should be doing is having an open and truthful conversation with your husband, boyfriend, or partner.  You should be talking about all the things that you DON’T want to discuss.

Why?

If it makes your stomach turn because you don’t know how the conversation will go, then THAT IS the conversation to have.  It will allow both of you to get to the core of the issue, get each other’s take and come to an agreement.

Maybe Facebook’ing with people of the opposite sex is ok but not flirting.  Maybe flirting is ok but not sexting.

I don’t know because each situation is different for every person.  I don’t expect you to tell me what to do in my bedroom and I won’t tell you what to do in yours.

The one thing that should be consistent is the communication between you.  But only if you want your relationship to last.

I want to get the conversation going on this topic.

Have you had Facebook situations in your relationship?  Have you found your husband or boyfriend flirting or having a digital romance?  I’d love to hear the story.

Till next time, I look forward to hearing from you.

PS- I want to note that it doesn’t matter if you’re man or women, heterosexual, bi-sexual, or homosexual these things can happen to you.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 0.0/4 (0 votes cast)

Listening Like a Lover

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 0.0/4 (0 votes cast)

 

Listen First

             Up to this point I have written several posts about talking. Now don’t get me wrong, I want all my readers to engage in conversation. However I thought it a good time to reverse the tables just a bit and discuss the art of listening.

             Talking is the beginning of sharing our thoughts and ideas. But without a willing partner talking alone is akin to oral masturbation. If you’re doing it by yourself, the results can sometimes be less than spectacular. So when talking to each other, make certain that you have an active partner. If they are not interested or distracted, hold the conversation for a short while until things clear up and each of you can take an active role in the dialogue.

             With that said, it is equally important that you be a good listener and not just hear the spoken words. Listening can be a great way to pick up on subtle things that are conveyed through voice inflection and body language. In a relationship discussion what is not said can be more important than what is said. For example, if a partner uses the word “fine” to end an emotionally charged conversation while turning away and folding their arms, does it really mean “fine”. NO! It means exactly the opposite. Although this is an extreme example that could be picked up by the dumbest of all men, you get my point.

 

Why Is This Important?

 

            Regardless of the situation, by listening first, and I mean really listening, you put yourself in a very powerful position. As the listener you will get all of the information being offered. It gives you the ability to think about the message and create a reasonable, informed answer. This will help in advancing the conversation, learning more about your partner and if it is an argument, the listener has the power to shut it down with complete understanding of the other’s position.

           It’s better to understand than to push a point for the purpose of being “right”. In relationship dialog there is no reason for right and wrong. Being in a relationship is just that, relating to each other. There is no need to dominate, no need to prove the point, no need to be right. Just listen first and try to completely understand your partner. You may be surprised by what it actually conveyed.

          Several months ago I called my daughter and asked if she had spoken to her mother recently. In, what I thought to be, an angry tone, she replied, “Yes, she called me”. Very short and to the point, however I thought she was angry. All she really said was, “Yes, she called me”. Rather than ask why she was angry, I chose a position of power and asked her to share her thoughts about the conversation with her mother. We then had a wonderful, twenty minute, phone call. Had I chose to argue about her tone, the conversation could have been markedly different.

 What is the Benefit?

             In relationships we are emotionally invested. Our feelings are exposed for anyone to nurture or damage. And this leaves us feeling vulnerable to the next attack. In reality it is each of us who has the opportunity to choose to listen and engage in the conversation. There is nothing to fear when we are listening, because all of the information is coming to us. We are not hurting each other, merely listening to what is being imparted. If we choose to add meaning upon what is said it becomes our own fault.

             Listening can be sexy as well. If partners are discussing sex, desires or wants be open to what is being said. Engage by asking probing questions; 

  • Does that interest you?
  • How do you feel about that?
  • Is there more there that we should discuss?
  • Tell me more…
  • What can I do in that regard?

 Any additional question or comment to keep the dialog moving can only help. Try not to use the word “No” until you’ve listened to everything your partner has to say. He or she may be nervous and not get the words right at first. Give them room to expand and listen while they relax and get comfortable with the exchange.

             I suggest never getting angry during times of conversation. This adds to those body language messages we discussed earlier. By remaining calm we have a better chance of getting our thoughts out clearly. And as the listener, anger dulls the senses and makes really understanding much more difficult.

             With anything, this takes practice and it takes two people. If one is angry, neither is ready for a conversation. If one is distracted neither can communicate. And if one is incapable, neither have a chance to properly share.

             So, give listening a try and let me know what comes of it. You may get a surprise, you may find something you didn’t know or you may just connect better than ever before. In any case, let me know how it goes. Your story may be what helps the next reader have a better relationship.

 As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

 Bobby

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 0.0/4 (0 votes cast)

What Does It Take To Turn A Guy On?

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 4.0/4 (1 vote cast)

Turn Men OnNot much…

I’m going to give you a handful of straight answers.  I hope you take the hint.

Let’s get to core cookie here.  A WOMAN turns a guy on.  Women are beautiful beings and men tend to be visual creatures.  We like to look, as I’ve discussed in other posts: How To Impress A Man!

But there is so much more to really turning on a man. 

Oh and let me get this out right now.  This is my experience of what turns me on and other guys that I’ve had conversation with.  If you get offended by what I’m saying, think I’m stereotyping or get pissed at anything I write… don’t read it. 

Ok, let’s roll.

Guys are visual and we imagine a lot.  Our imaginations can be extremely powerful.  I’m not a scientist but I would venture to say that 90% of our sexual stimulation comes from our head through imagination.

Many men wouldn’t admit it… but give us a good smut novel and we’ll get rock solid in 10 minutes flat, given the right story.  Hit us with some Nora Roberts and you can forget it.

So what are things women can do to get men turned on?

Boob Swipe

This is when you glance your boobs across our arm, chest… shoot… any part of our body.  We know you’re there.  We feel it.  We like it.  And we want you to keep doing it.  It doesn’t take much to get us going.  It doesn’t have to be skin-to-skin either.  You could put four feet of cement between us and we’ll feel it.  It’s more mental than anything.  It revs up the imagination quicker than a virgin on prom night.

Straight Bend

This one is great.  You know you’re doing it.  It’s when you have those nice pants on and you bend over at the waste.  You give us the shot of a lifetime.  Forget bending at the knees… and we thank you for it.  It gives us just a glimpse of what you got.  Again, our imagination is running the show and more than likely you’re NEKKED (in our mind) when you perform this unbelievably sexy move.

The Elevator Mash

This is when we’re in the elevator and you decide to stand right in front of us.  There’s 15 people in there and you have no choice but to back that thing up.  You graze the member and guess what happens?  The mind starts racing and blood starts flowing.  The bell better ding quick or you’re going to feel a stack of quarters.  Sometimes the elevator mash happens accidentally.  It doesn’t matter, the “uh-oh” mechanism takes over.  This is where uncontrollable comes to play. 

Lighthouse Lanterns

You really want to get our attention, let you nipples get hard and show through your shirt.  Oh man!  Even if it’s a stranger, if the Lighthouse Lanterns show up, I’m looking at least for a minute.  When my wife walks in with hers on, HOOOOLLLLY  SMOOOOKES!  Look out it’s driving me bonkers.  I feel like that commercial… BACON.. BACON… BACON… I WANT BACON!

Sneak Peeks

I love the sneak peeks I get from my wife.  It sets the stage for what’s to come.  It’s a little tease before the action.  The calm before the storm.  These little peeks will cause our minds to race with visuals and fantasies in no time flat. 

Do you realize how hot you make us?

We’re so easy, aren’t we. 

Some of this list is what turns me on and friends I’ve spoken with.  Will this be the same for all men?  Of course not. 

Here’s the biggest thing that turns men on…

Conversation

Yes, a conversation is what it takes to turn us on.  At least it takes a conversation for you to find out what your man likes and doesn’t like.  It takes a conversation for you and him to explore each other in ways you never dreamed possible.  Open up the conversations of what you want, like, and fantasize about and you may end up in a hot sweaty mess.

I find many people don’t open up in the bedroom.  They hold back because they’re afraid of what their partner might think.  They don’t want to say what they truly would like to do.  Instead they hold it in and only fantasize.  Open your relationship up through communication, especially about sex, and you may find your relationship moves to a whole new level.

Don’t be afraid to say, “A little higher”, “A little lower”, “right there”.  “Harder”, “Faster”, “AughhhOhhhh!!!!”

We engage physically and rarely engage to the same level in conversation.  Start there and you will find your sex life and relationship, as a whole, will enhance.

Now that you have a few ideas about what turns men on, how about you leave me a note and tell me what turns you on.  Guys, be open, tell us what you think.  Ladies, give it to us straight.  Give us something to talk about openly.

I hope you have a hot sweaty night!

PS- I’ll be releasing a book soon.  You can look for it around the beginning of July or so.  I might get mauled because of the mancode secrets I’ll be releasing, but I’ll take my chances.  I’ll let you know when it hits the bookstore.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this article:
Rating: 4.0/4 (1 vote cast)