Keep Her Happy

Relationship Boundaries

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Full Throttle or a Limiting Governor?

In previous posts I have encouraged my readers to get involved with their partners and discuss needs, wants and desires. Getting involved doesn’t always mean getting your way. In fact, there is no right or wrong in conversation, just that there is my side and your side, his side and her side, their side and our side. No right about it, just a point of view and, with luck, the reasons or feelings associated.

Having open conversation about sex and relationship boundaries will open up a world of exploration if done correctly. So how do we accomplish this? I’ll make a few suggestions.

First, share this article with your partner.

Second, ask how your partner feels about having a conversation of this type.

Don’t have the boundaries conversation at this time.

Third, schedule a time convenient for both of you.

Make it a date, something relaxing like drinks and dinner.

Fourth, remove all barriers to the discussion.

Have complete openness and acceptance.

Most important, don’t judge.

This is conversation not a boxing match.

It doesn’t hurt to talk. What hurts is the meaning we place on the words.

Fifth, have the conversation and see what opens up.

Get involved early in this discussion because finding out that you’re not compatible sexually is best done before the marriage, house, two cars and kids. However, if you are already at that place in life, use this discussion to gain control of each others expectations. Find out what works well and what’s lacking. You may be very surprised to find out what the other wishes to explore or has been keeping close to the vest.

If you haven’t read my previous articles regarding how to discuss and how to listen, this may be a good time to include them as well. These will also give you tools and guidance for an open dialogue. See the associated links.

Source:  The Language of Love

Source:  Listening Like A Lover

 Should Relationships Have Limits?

Absolutely and with out doubt! Emphatically, yes, and whether we acknowledge them or not our relationships have them either covertly or overtly. Talking about them just makes us aware and able to respect each others boundaries. Furthermore, by discussing them we may discover that limits we placed, for the respect of our partners, aren’t their restrictions at all.

Take for example, sexual positions. In my research and conversations with my partner, it is obvious that there are more positions and “styles” to sex than any one book could capture. In addition, I suggest that discussing ex’s is also okay when it comes to what we found pleasurable and what we did not. I get that it can be a jealousy issue, but we have to set that aside to get to the good stuff. If it felt good then and you’re in love with each other now, why not share, discuss and experiment?

Sexual positions are only one of the many topics couples can dive into. This one is easy, we don’t put too much into the emotional portion and the benefits can be wonderful. Talk it through; explore the good and the bad. If a subject is unearthed whereby one partner is less than interested, don’t shut down, talk it through. Why? Because, talking it through and completely understanding will lead to new subjects developing or opening up. Shutting down at the mention of something (oral, anal, toys…) will only stop the dialogue, not promote it. There is nothing wrong with being a little uncomfortable with the conversation. And it’s better than being uncomfortable when actually confronted in the bedroom.

Find out why a partner has discomfort about a topic. Is it a past experience, something he or she read, a story from a friend? What ever it is, talk it through and respect the conversation and the emotions in therein. Properly conveyed, the limitations will never be questioned or exceeded.

Until you have a complete grasp of the subject as well as each others likes, dislikes, desires and fears, the subject remains open and unanswered. Without completing that discussion, one or both partners will have questions remaining. Talk until you’re board, not until you’re uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable is part of the process. Keep it up and before long you’ll be experts.

 Expectations Verses Reality

Managing our expectation is the basis of relationship boundaries. When one partner has an expectation and the other partner is unaware, reality and expectation do not align. This is when feelings get hurt, we get disappointed and possibly become cynical with our partners. All of this can be avoided with conversation prior to getting upset.

Considering men are very simple creatures and we enjoy the benefits of pleasing our women, why do you think we would hold back when it comes to your desires. We simply don’t know. Share with us and we will share with you, but let’s not shut each other down when the conversation gets going.

Our minds are programmed to run all the time. And if we don’t have good data for them to work with, the mind fills in the blanks in order to have, what it thinks, is the completed thought process. Providing the limits and boundaries gives our minds clear understanding of what is expected and leaves no gaps to fill in for a false reality. We love to please and if we could, we would read your minds. The sad thing is, we can’t. Jay Simcic posted a good article on this subject a while back. You may want to add this to your reading assignments as well. See the link below.

Source: Men and Women Read Minds Poorly

So get in to the conversation and if you have any trouble, let me know. If you have success, let me know also. And if anyone is interested and wants a list of subjects recommended for the Relationship Boundaries Conversation, email me and I’ll see that we get that out to you and your significant dialogue partner. Intercourse doesn’t always have to be sexual, but it’s a great place to start!

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Listening Like a Lover

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Listen First

             Up to this point I have written several posts about talking. Now don’t get me wrong, I want all my readers to engage in conversation. However I thought it a good time to reverse the tables just a bit and discuss the art of listening.

             Talking is the beginning of sharing our thoughts and ideas. But without a willing partner talking alone is akin to oral masturbation. If you’re doing it by yourself, the results can sometimes be less than spectacular. So when talking to each other, make certain that you have an active partner. If they are not interested or distracted, hold the conversation for a short while until things clear up and each of you can take an active role in the dialogue.

             With that said, it is equally important that you be a good listener and not just hear the spoken words. Listening can be a great way to pick up on subtle things that are conveyed through voice inflection and body language. In a relationship discussion what is not said can be more important than what is said. For example, if a partner uses the word “fine” to end an emotionally charged conversation while turning away and folding their arms, does it really mean “fine”. NO! It means exactly the opposite. Although this is an extreme example that could be picked up by the dumbest of all men, you get my point.

 

Why Is This Important?

 

            Regardless of the situation, by listening first, and I mean really listening, you put yourself in a very powerful position. As the listener you will get all of the information being offered. It gives you the ability to think about the message and create a reasonable, informed answer. This will help in advancing the conversation, learning more about your partner and if it is an argument, the listener has the power to shut it down with complete understanding of the other’s position.

           It’s better to understand than to push a point for the purpose of being “right”. In relationship dialog there is no reason for right and wrong. Being in a relationship is just that, relating to each other. There is no need to dominate, no need to prove the point, no need to be right. Just listen first and try to completely understand your partner. You may be surprised by what it actually conveyed.

          Several months ago I called my daughter and asked if she had spoken to her mother recently. In, what I thought to be, an angry tone, she replied, “Yes, she called me”. Very short and to the point, however I thought she was angry. All she really said was, “Yes, she called me”. Rather than ask why she was angry, I chose a position of power and asked her to share her thoughts about the conversation with her mother. We then had a wonderful, twenty minute, phone call. Had I chose to argue about her tone, the conversation could have been markedly different.

 What is the Benefit?

             In relationships we are emotionally invested. Our feelings are exposed for anyone to nurture or damage. And this leaves us feeling vulnerable to the next attack. In reality it is each of us who has the opportunity to choose to listen and engage in the conversation. There is nothing to fear when we are listening, because all of the information is coming to us. We are not hurting each other, merely listening to what is being imparted. If we choose to add meaning upon what is said it becomes our own fault.

             Listening can be sexy as well. If partners are discussing sex, desires or wants be open to what is being said. Engage by asking probing questions; 

  • Does that interest you?
  • How do you feel about that?
  • Is there more there that we should discuss?
  • Tell me more…
  • What can I do in that regard?

 Any additional question or comment to keep the dialog moving can only help. Try not to use the word “No” until you’ve listened to everything your partner has to say. He or she may be nervous and not get the words right at first. Give them room to expand and listen while they relax and get comfortable with the exchange.

             I suggest never getting angry during times of conversation. This adds to those body language messages we discussed earlier. By remaining calm we have a better chance of getting our thoughts out clearly. And as the listener, anger dulls the senses and makes really understanding much more difficult.

             With anything, this takes practice and it takes two people. If one is angry, neither is ready for a conversation. If one is distracted neither can communicate. And if one is incapable, neither have a chance to properly share.

             So, give listening a try and let me know what comes of it. You may get a surprise, you may find something you didn’t know or you may just connect better than ever before. In any case, let me know how it goes. Your story may be what helps the next reader have a better relationship.

 As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

 Bobby

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What Does It Take To Turn A Guy On?

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Turn Men OnNot much…

I’m going to give you a handful of straight answers.  I hope you take the hint.

Let’s get to core cookie here.  A WOMAN turns a guy on.  Women are beautiful beings and men tend to be visual creatures.  We like to look, as I’ve discussed in other posts: How To Impress A Man!

But there is so much more to really turning on a man. 

Oh and let me get this out right now.  This is my experience of what turns me on and other guys that I’ve had conversation with.  If you get offended by what I’m saying, think I’m stereotyping or get pissed at anything I write… don’t read it. 

Ok, let’s roll.

Guys are visual and we imagine a lot.  Our imaginations can be extremely powerful.  I’m not a scientist but I would venture to say that 90% of our sexual stimulation comes from our head through imagination.

Many men wouldn’t admit it… but give us a good smut novel and we’ll get rock solid in 10 minutes flat, given the right story.  Hit us with some Nora Roberts and you can forget it.

So what are things women can do to get men turned on?

Boob Swipe

This is when you glance your boobs across our arm, chest… shoot… any part of our body.  We know you’re there.  We feel it.  We like it.  And we want you to keep doing it.  It doesn’t take much to get us going.  It doesn’t have to be skin-to-skin either.  You could put four feet of cement between us and we’ll feel it.  It’s more mental than anything.  It revs up the imagination quicker than a virgin on prom night.

Straight Bend

This one is great.  You know you’re doing it.  It’s when you have those nice pants on and you bend over at the waste.  You give us the shot of a lifetime.  Forget bending at the knees… and we thank you for it.  It gives us just a glimpse of what you got.  Again, our imagination is running the show and more than likely you’re NEKKED (in our mind) when you perform this unbelievably sexy move.

The Elevator Mash

This is when we’re in the elevator and you decide to stand right in front of us.  There’s 15 people in there and you have no choice but to back that thing up.  You graze the member and guess what happens?  The mind starts racing and blood starts flowing.  The bell better ding quick or you’re going to feel a stack of quarters.  Sometimes the elevator mash happens accidentally.  It doesn’t matter, the “uh-oh” mechanism takes over.  This is where uncontrollable comes to play. 

Lighthouse Lanterns

You really want to get our attention, let you nipples get hard and show through your shirt.  Oh man!  Even if it’s a stranger, if the Lighthouse Lanterns show up, I’m looking at least for a minute.  When my wife walks in with hers on, HOOOOLLLLY  SMOOOOKES!  Look out it’s driving me bonkers.  I feel like that commercial… BACON.. BACON… BACON… I WANT BACON!

Sneak Peeks

I love the sneak peeks I get from my wife.  It sets the stage for what’s to come.  It’s a little tease before the action.  The calm before the storm.  These little peeks will cause our minds to race with visuals and fantasies in no time flat. 

Do you realize how hot you make us?

We’re so easy, aren’t we. 

Some of this list is what turns me on and friends I’ve spoken with.  Will this be the same for all men?  Of course not. 

Here’s the biggest thing that turns men on…

Conversation

Yes, a conversation is what it takes to turn us on.  At least it takes a conversation for you to find out what your man likes and doesn’t like.  It takes a conversation for you and him to explore each other in ways you never dreamed possible.  Open up the conversations of what you want, like, and fantasize about and you may end up in a hot sweaty mess.

I find many people don’t open up in the bedroom.  They hold back because they’re afraid of what their partner might think.  They don’t want to say what they truly would like to do.  Instead they hold it in and only fantasize.  Open your relationship up through communication, especially about sex, and you may find your relationship moves to a whole new level.

Don’t be afraid to say, “A little higher”, “A little lower”, “right there”.  “Harder”, “Faster”, “AughhhOhhhh!!!!”

We engage physically and rarely engage to the same level in conversation.  Start there and you will find your sex life and relationship, as a whole, will enhance.

Now that you have a few ideas about what turns men on, how about you leave me a note and tell me what turns you on.  Guys, be open, tell us what you think.  Ladies, give it to us straight.  Give us something to talk about openly.

I hope you have a hot sweaty night!

PS- I’ll be releasing a book soon.  You can look for it around the beginning of July or so.  I might get mauled because of the mancode secrets I’ll be releasing, but I’ll take my chances.  I’ll let you know when it hits the bookstore.

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Are Men Intelligent?

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Who Are Men?

           The question has been asked for as many years as there have been men and women coexisting. We are driven to figure things out, find the meaning or just place meaning on things. This includes actions and behaviors. The funny part is that many times we, as men, don’t mean anything by what we do.

 Really?

            Then why do women get so upset by our lack of consideration for them or our poor behavior and habits? The easy answer is women don’t understand us. More to the point, women expect better from their man. Another reason, women tend to interpret our actions and behaviors into something other than we intend them. The women I speak to about this subject gravitate to a place where in they want men to behave like women. Not really like a woman, but think and care the way a woman does. See the problem?

            So, who are men? When is comes to relationships, we are providers, builders and breeders. Very basic, very easy and very clear, we are simple and don’t try to make us complicated. We hate that! When a woman tells a man that he is thinking complicated thoughts about the relationship, STOP!!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE NOT! Don’t make it into something that it’s not. We want to provide for our families, we want to build for them (house, education, transportation, recreation) and we want sex. It really is that simple. We can have big dreams and desires but basically we do what we do for these simple reasons.

 What We Do…

            Men tend to have a lack of focus on day to day things within a household the way women do. It doesn’t make us bad, it’s just is how we are. We don’t start the day off thinking about how we are going to piss off our women, but many times it seems that way. Take for instance, a man returns from a day at work, he walks into the house with dirt on his shoes and dirties up the freshly cleaned floors. None of us want for this type of situation to occur, but it happens and we, as men, know we do such things. It doesn’t mean we intended to do it, it doesn’t mean we love our women any less, it doesn’t mean we don’t value a clean home, It just means we didn’t think about it before we did it. And, getting upset about it won’t make it better for us or you.

            I get feedback from many women complaining that their men don’t tell them that they love them. Through follow up conversation it becomes clear the men actually do say “I love you”, but women want it in a manner consistent with their emotions. They want passion and romance brought into the phrase rather than a statement of ones dedication to the other. As men, when we say “I love you”, we mean it. It is the expectation of how the message is delivered that becomes the problem.

 What is Interpreted…

             Women have most of the power in any healthy relationship with a man. If you believe, as I do, that men are driven by the desire to provide, build and breed, then as women, you can guide and coach the entire relationship. But, if you choose to get angry when we do something the way us men do, well, then you give up your power and allow the relationship to be driven by our lack of understanding and we get hurt, disappointed and retreat into our shell.

             When we dirty the floor unknowingly, you can choose to yell or, you can calmly point it out and ask us to correct the problem. And guess what the better outcome will be. When he says “I love you”, you get to choose to accept it or argue the point. Consider we are simple creatures and telling us we are wrong will only reduce the effort we put forth. A more pleasurable conversation might be to thank him for the thought and suggest if he were to improve the manner in which he extolled his affections, perhaps he would be rewarded. In any case, women have the power in the relationship. Choose to coach or choose to give up the power by being angry. It is not the easiest habit to form and it takes practice, but the rewards are worth the effort.

             I personally have been told that I did not load the dishwasher correctly and that rinsing the dishes before putting them into the machine was not necessary. This went on for years; it caused actual fights between us. Do you think I wanted to continue to clean and load the dishwasher? Hell NO! And all I really wanted was a thank you. I eventually quit doing anything with the dishes and yet the power was all hers. She chose and was rewarded.

             So understand that we have very limited ideas and thoughts about our relationship with you ladies. We love you and want to do what’s right. By guiding us through our mistakes and coaching us with regard to our short comings, you maintain power and get far better results. Remember that we are simple in this aspect of life. Don’t make us into something that we aren’t and don’t view our errors as a personal affront to you. We mean you no offense and are very willing to be trained under the right circumstances and reward system.

 Give it a try and let me know what you experience. If it’s not working perfectly right now, what do you have to loose?

 And, as always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear.

 Bobby

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9 Tips on How to Keep Your Woman Happy

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Beach BeautySmallAre you confused about how to keep a woman happy? The following advice on relationships will help you.

How to Keep a Woman Happy Tip #1: Do not try to be something you are not.

Often, men think they can’t get an attractive and sexy woman being themselves so they pretend to be something they are not. A man who has confidence in himself is sexier than a man pretending to be something he is not. Ever scratched your head and wondered whenever you see unattractive men with gorgeous women? These men are confident in who they are and women find that attractive.

How to Keep a Woman Happy Tip #2: Remember that the smallest things make a big difference.

Fill her car up with gas or buy her her favorite candies for no reason. Men often believe that they have to do big things but really, women appreciate the little things as much if not more. Another thing to remember is that women need to be appreciated. If you take your girlfriend for granted and don’t tell her how much she means to you, you could lose her.

How to Keep a Woman Happy Tip #3: Do not stare at other women in the presence of your girlfriend.

Women automatically assume you find the woman you are looking at more attractive than you do her. Women do not get the fact that men think they need to keep looking and that it is actually a biologically related urge. Women want a man they can trust to build a family with; that is how they are made. If you stare at other women around your girlfriend, she is going to lose some respect and trust for you.

How to Keep a Woman Happy Tip #4: Make her laugh.

Men value looks in a women the most but women often value a man’s sense of humor the most. Your girlfriend will be more likely to stick around if you make her laugh.

How to Keep a Woman Happy Tip #5: Find a common interest with her.

Try to find something you enjoy doing together. Be interested in the things she finds fun and exciting. If she loves movies with subtitles, at least try to be interested in them. You showing interest in the things she likes shows you care about her.

How to Keep a Woman Happy Tip #6: Take care of yourself.

Often, men think that when they have a girlfriend they can stop trying to keep themselves groomed. Women don’t value looks as much as men but women do want a man to at least try to take care of himself. That means shaving every day. Also make an effort to dress in the styles of the day. Don’t think that you can quit taking care of yourself once she is yours; otherwise, she may not stick around.

How to Keep a Woman Happy Tip #7: Get to know her family and friends.

A woman has to be sure her man will fit in with her friends and family. Women need men to be involved with their family and their friends for the relationship to last more than a few weeks. Get to know her friends and be respectful to her parents. Women value their relationships with others and trust their friends and family when they approve or disapprove of a boyfriend. You want them to approve of you.

How to Keep a Woman Happy Tip #8: Take her feelings into account.

Women are more sensitive then men so you need to take their feelings into account. Women have more hormones going through their body and these hormones affect their moods so stay in tune with how they feel.

How to Keep a Woman Happy Tip #9: Keep things fresh.

When you start a relationship, everything you do is new and exciting because you are experiencing it together for the first time. If you aren’t careful, though, you can get in a routine that starts to get boring. If it seems like you do the same things the same way all the time, mix it up a little bit. That will make a big difference in your relationship.

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