Marriage

How To Save Your Marriage With A Cup Of Coffee

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save your relationship with coffeeA friend of mine told me a story.  It’s an amazing example of how we approach life and our relationships.  It serves as a lesson in how we can improve the world around us and impact our relationships in positive ways.

Listen to this story and identify where in you’re relationship or life you can apply this short lesson.

Here’s the story…

I have a friend names Harlan.  And back in the days when he was serving as a Rabbi he did a great deal of counseling.  One day some friends of his reported that a couple they knew were heading toward divorce.  No one was able to talk to the husband.  He shut down.

The husband was determined that his relationships was over.

When the Rabbi called him on the phone, he asked the husband to come over.  He immediately said, “Rabbi, if this is about the divorce. Forget it.”

The Rabbi told him that he was inviting him over for coffee. If he didn’t want to talk about the divorce, that was his decision and he’d respect that.

When he came for coffee the Rabbi began talking to him about the coffee he was serving.

“This coffee is Kona coffee from Hawaii. It’s one of the most expensive coffees on the market.  It’s taste is out of this world.

But if you go into a supermarket and pick up a jar of coffee, it sure doesn’t taste like this. In fact, instant coffee barely tastes anything close to this.  Instant should hardly be called coffee.

Even the coffee in the can doesn’t taste anything like this.”

The Rabbi’s guest interrupted, “Rabbi, this is the best coffee I ever had! How did you make it?”

He answered: “First, as soon as I get the beans, they go into a freezer in an airtight container. I measure out the exact portion I need and then grind them fresh right before brewing them. The sound you heard when you entered was me grinding the coffee.

Then I pour the coffee into a non-bleached filter and wait for the coffee to drip through. The coffee is so good, most people prefer to drink it black without adding cream or sugar.”

The Rabbi’s friend said, “Who would have thought so much effort went in to making a good cup of coffee?”

The Rabbi said to him, “Anything that’s worth it takes an investment in time and effort. Instant is never worth it.”

He smiled at the Rabbi from across the table.

In a few days the Rabbi heard the man had proposed counseling to his wife.  He told her: “Anything that’s worth it takes an investment in time and effort.”

Now the story is true but let’s look at the core elements.

Most people want instant solutions or they give up (leaving the marriage).

Discover the merits, details, etc. of the more detailed approach in your relationship for a premium experience. (Making really good coffee.)  Realize now that instant solutions don’t work.

Your relationship is worth investing in… If that involves coming to one of our seminars, reading books, or having hard conversations with your partner then go do it.

This isn’t rocket science.  Our relationships are worth living for.  They are worth putting our butts on the line for.  They are the life inside of our lives.

The ball is in your court.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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Relationship Contracts

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Recently, we were contacted by another news agency and asked about Relationship Contracts and what we thought about their place in toady’s litigious society.

The question of relationship contracts, their purpose and usefulness has as many answers as it does the couples who use such documents. Every contract will be different in structure and content as well as the context in which it is to be utilized.

So, the question is, are relationship contracts useful? In a word, yes. If a couple feels the need to protect themselves while exploring a relationship or entering into a commitment, such as engagement or marriage, then a contract can be of benefit. I would suggest that both parties need to be comfortable with the idea and present in crafting the document.

In many cases, people feel a great sense of relief knowing that assets are no longer in question and only the relationship is left to enjoy. Moving forward can be easier and more practical for couple with such needs or issues.

On the other side, a contract can cause a barrier to be erected between a couple. If one partner wants the protection and the other has never considered it, there can be quite a problem dealing with the reasoning and actual asset protection. Think through what a contract will do the relationship and choose whether it’s even worth the conversation.

And this brings me to the real rub of the argument. Why do you need a relationship contract? Now, before you snap out an answer, consider the REAL reason behind it. Follow me here and see if this makes sense at all. Here are a few explanations:

  • My last partner left me
  • I had a friend go through a bad divorce
  • My parents are concerned about their wealth
  • I am expecting a large inheritance
  • My lawyer says…

But drill down to the real issue behind such a document. It is only there to protect one person from another. Really? And we are calling this a relationship contract. I feel an argument could be made that there is no relationship at all because there is no trust. And without trust there can never be a solid, beneficial relationship.

So, rather than ask if a relationship contract is the right thing for us, ask why we need it and where does that distrust come from? The issue is not in the contract.

If two people can discuss the concerns they each have regarding trust, then they can begin to structure and create their relationship.

And does a contract deal with the distrust? Absolutely not! Moreover, it reinforces the distrust by both parties agreeing that the issue is truly there and present. The contract does not remove the problem, it magnifies it!

If you enter into a partnership fearing the worst, just expect it to happen. The contract does nothing more than structure how you are going to end the partnership.

Consider that the open wound of distrust is present and the contract is an insufficient bandage on the festering sore. It covers it over, but the injury remains. Repair the wound and the relationship can thrive. But ignore it and the sickness will seep throughout the entire body of the relationship.

Do you need a relationship contract or do you need a real relationship? You get to choose…

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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Relationship Patterns – Improve Your Relationship Now

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Today I’m doing things a little differently.  You get a video instead of a post.

In this video I begin to explore the idea of patterns in our lives and our relationships.  If you take a close look at your own relationships you may begin to notice the patterns you use over and over again.  Watch the video…

YouTube Preview Image

If you can identify your own patterns and start to use them instead of allowing them to use you subconciously you may see a shift in how you view your relationships and how you view life.

Let me know what you think.  Leave your comments below.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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Our First Book

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Today I am suspending my weekly article to shamelessly promote our first book. As promised, RLA Advisors has released their first book titled: Mancode Secrets Revealed – Relationship Advice For Women. The book has been written by Jay Simcic and edited by yours truly, who also wrote the foreword, which has been added below. In my opinion, Jay has done a wonderful job providing insight to how men act and behave. He takes a rather bold look into the male psyche and leaves nothing left to question. We encourage all of our readers to visit Amazon.com in order to purchase the Kindle version of the book for $2.99. It can be found using this link: Mancode Secrets Revealed – Relationship Advice For Women.

We sincerely hope that you enjoy the book and look forward to our next release in September. I will be posting my regular scheduled article next week. Let us know your thoughts.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

Foreword

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly…

Of all the instructional books and articles I have read, there is a common theme of inaccuracy. Many are books about women written by men and vice versa. A ton of articles, written by a people never having worked in the particular field of interest, but well educated. Advice has been given to pit one person against another by labeling or vilifying them. Suggestions that one group is this way so your group is that way. All in order to make us feel better about ourselves or our station in life.

And that’s fine if you wish to be satisfied with your current place in your life. But we are not! RLA Advisors is based on a principle of openness and honesty. Ask a question and we will answer. Suggest a problem and we will propose a solution.

Like it or not, we are here to provide insight to the aspects of relationships that most people won’t discuss. Love, feelings, sex, they all enter into this complex design of human nature and relationship behaviors. Powerful emotions that drive each of us to do, say or act certain ways. We are no different than our friends and neighbors, but we think and feel we are.

And why? Because we don’t want to talk about it. What will they think of me? Am I doing it right? Is this weird? If so, why does it feel so good?

So, here is my overview of our latest book in three parts: the Good, the Bad and the Ugly…

The Good:

This book contains accurate and precise information regarding men’s thoughts and behaviors. There is no sacred cow here. The thoughts were collected based on actual study and interviews in order to find out what happens inside men.

Men are simple creatures with basic needs. Many times what men do is falsely interpreted to mean something else. I get that. But why make it something that it isn’t?

The information contained within this book is the most poignant compilation of the what, why, where, how and when of men. Don’t make it anything it isn’t. Please!

The Bad:

Although everything here is written and designed to give women (and men) glimpses of the thoughts within men’s minds, it is possible that many will disregard it as fake. Any problem or issue has the potential to be misinterpreted if we have a lack of understanding or the solution does not fit squarely into our current base of knowledge and experience. But, how do we know when new information is accurate? We don’t unless we are open to the possibility of accepting and processing the information to ensure it is correct.

These pages contain such things but the reality exists that women will disregard them as they don’t fit into their current world of understanding. Just ponder the thought that men are simple and have a huge problem expressing how they feel and why they do certain things. If they did, we wouldn’t need this book.

As you read these thoughts, consider that the writer is opening his heart and mind to the deepest possible ideas of men and their behavior. If you can accept the honesty, the rest will be easy.

The Ugly:

And now for the dirt… Although we remain open and honest in our communication, we men, sometimes have a horrible way of expressing ourselves. And that too can create an issue in a relationship. This book is not for the faint of heart, it is not for those who find words to be offensive. And it is certainly not for those who fear the truth.

This book is raw, to the point and fearless. It is ugly in its honesty to the point of being brutally offensive. Know that now and get over it quickly, because once you discover the truth, the genie cannot be placed back into the bottle.

The profound openness is for your benefit and nothing more. If you don’t like the language, tough shit! Grow a pair and begin to enjoy your life.

Ouch! Was that a little ugly?

Enjoy the book and let know us what you think. We have enjoyed each and every one of our readers. Don’t stop now. Life is a journey, you get to choose how you want to travel it.

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Relationship Breakthrough Challenge-Part 4

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Male and female sign entangled XSmallThis is the final post in the Relationship Breakthrough Challenge.  We are about to uncover the truth and uncover your choice of destiny.  However if you would like to read the previous three posts you can by clicking the link below…

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge – Part 1

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge – Part 2

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge – Part 3

Now let’s dig in.

Before you go to work on your man, try to fix him, or try to fix your relationship you need to find out what TRUTH is.

What do you think truth is?

Most people think truth is something verifiable.  Some people think their beliefs are “the truth”.  Others think feelings are truth.

None of those are “the truth”.  In fact, the truth is made up by what ever you say.

What?  I can see your eyeballs bulging trying to figure out if I’m insane.

Consider that what you think is truth is just a series of beliefs, meanings, and things that were completely made up.

I’ll use an extreme example.  It was the truth many years ago that women stayed home and didn’t work.  That was a belief that was held for a long time.  It was held as TRUTH.

Until it changed.

Everything in our world is built on what we believe to be true and not true.  Until it’s proven otherwise.

So I challenge your beliefs of what you think are true.  But I’ll get into that more in just a minute.

Why do you react the way you do?

Who’s driving your bus?  Who makes decisions for you.  It’s certainly not the you that you think.  It’s actually all the past experiences you’ve used to create your model of the world.  Your decisions and your experiences all shape who you are today.  You react to things because something happened in the past that gave you some “truth” about how to act.

I’ve used examples like this before… if you were dating someone and they cheated you form an opinion about that situation. Your brain starts to “see” patterns that might give you an indication that your man is cheating.  You do it without knowing you do it.  And here’s the kicker, it’s happened so many times you believe what you’re interpreting as the truth.  You see him talking to another woman and you immediately believe he is cheating.

That is your past experience being used to create a belief that you have as true.

As you can see, it’s the past that’s causing you to react the way you do.

In order to get to the TRUTH you first have to be ok that how you react may not be TRUE.  Some people find it hard to give up being right long enough that their model of the world may not be the TRUTH.  It’s like when people said the earth was flat.  It’s hard to give it up until you challenge it.

I’m asking you to challenge it.  Because when you do, you’ll find that you begin to gain power over being at the affect of life and truly gain a level of choice in your life.

What is choice, really?

One of the definitions of “Choice” by Merriam-Webster is the act of choosing and having a variety to choose from.

Consider that you’ve been living your life without choice.  Because you’ve been reacting to things that happen given by your past and what you think is true, you haven’t been choosing anything.

It’s just been an illusion.  In fact it’s your past that has been driving everything you do and you’ve never truly chosen anything.

So how do you choose?  When an event happens you have to stop, before you react, and ask yourself why am I about to react this way.  Think back to the earliest time you can remember that may have caused you to be that way.  That past experience is what is causing you to react at a subconscious level.  If you accept that and acknowledge that it no longer has to be that way, new openings for action arise.

You gain choice.

You see, it’s the choices and decisions you make that guide you down paths in life.  It’s the meaning you give the results that shapes how you see the world.  It’s how you see the world that gives you your actions.

Choice ultimately shapes your life.

How does choice shape your life?

Your actions are always congruent with how you see the world.

For instance, if you think your man is cheating (that’s how you see things) then you will act in accordance with that.  All your actions will be given by your suspicion that he is cheating.  And if that’s the case then you are shaping your life in that way.

If you can separate yourself from the meaning you’ve automatically given things and reassign a meaning you would be better suited to live with it’s possible to shape your life into anything that you want.  And that zooms into your relationship as well.

If you are having relationship troubles then look to YOU first and ask yourself some questions…

Why do I react that way?

What meaning did I give that?

What do I make it mean about me?

What can I change the meaning into that would allow me to have new openings for action?

You’ll notice that everything begins to shift in your life and your relationship.  Try it on.  See how it works and let me know what your results are.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this short series and I’m sure if you’ve applied some of these strategies you will have already had a breakthrough in your relationship.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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