Marriage

Did she cheat?–Marriage Conflict Resolution Strategies

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Marriage Conflict ResolutionBelow is a story of conflict in a marriage based on a true story.  Think about how you would handle it if you were in one of these people’s shoes…

You’ve been married for 4 years.  You and your husband work and you both work hard.  You’re both very compatible, don’t fight or have major issues and you trust each other.  You trust each other fully.

You’ve both ran into some hard times lately.  Your husband was running two businesses.  Both were impacted by the economic recession  and one failed.  The other weathered the storm and he’s been working long hours to get it back to where it needs to be.  You’ve had a couple of tragedies in the family where people close to you have passed away.  And to top that off, your one girlfriend who is your best friend moves away to take the job of her dreams.

You both spend time together in the evening – watch TV, chat, engage in some sort of companionship.  The conversations you have with your husband are not deep, open your heart type conversations.  They are very surface level.  You’ve both been through a lot and are very exhausted with those types of conversations between each other.

Your husband doesn’t have many friends but the ones he does have are guys.  You have several other friends and most of them are guys.  Your husband doesn’t mind because…

He Trusts You 100%.

Recently an old high school friend (guy) moves nearby.  He contacts you and you get to know each other again.  You share phone calls daily and sometimes email back and forth.  He’s single, decent looking and loves to go out and do things.

The time you’ve been spending together has been very nice.  You’ve been enjoying yourself and feel like you can talk to him.

Your husband knows about this new guy, we’ll call him John.  He’s ok with the situation because he trusts you.

You’ve started to go out more with John.  Sometimes you go to parks with him and buddies and other times you’ll meet him and friends at the bar for drinks.  While you’re out with John your husband is working on his business.  You rarely meet John alone but your husband has indicated that he’s a little worried about your relationship with John.  He’s never been worried about a relationship you’ve had with another guy until now.

Your husband is concerned because he doesn’t want to lose you and feels like nothing is wrong between you.  But he has something going on about John.  You’re lucky enough that your husband let you know his feelings.  He doesn’t want to act jealous or tell you who to be friends with so he made his feelings clear and said he’s ok with whatever you do.

He did add that if you cheat on him he WILL leave you.

Since then, John has asked you to go on a lake outing with his and your friends.  You think it would fun to take your little niece with you.  Your husband can’t go and is stuck working.

You’re considering going…

What Should You Do?

As you can see this is a tough situation to be in.  The husband trusts his wife but he’s having jealous type feelings about this relationship.  He doesn’t want to say things that will make his wife feel stifled or caged in their relationship.  He knows his work schedule is very busy and he doesn’t have as much time as he’d like to spend with his wife and wants her to have fun anyway.

He’s given into the relationship because of his value to his wife’s well being.  But he has concerns.

Here’s what I think should happen.  The husband has already let his wife know his feelings.

The first question that comes to my mind is why hasn’t the husband had an opportunity to meet this friend?  Why hasn’t the wife set up a few situations where they could all get to know each other?

To quell that question I would recommend they all get together on regular occasions. It would give John an opportunity to see the wife and her husband together and it would allow the husband to get acquainted with John.

If the the husband’s feelings continue after a few meetings I would suggest that he sit down with his wife first and address his concerns with her.  He has these feelings.  Yes he’s responsible for how he feels and the only way to let them go is to be with them.  He can do that by talking about them, where they come from, and why he thinks he has them with his wife.  She truly may not be having an affair starting and it could be all in her husband’s mind.  The only way to deal with it is to get it out in the open.

If her husband keeps his feelings under wraps he may find himself looking for and finding evidence (falsely) that his wife is having an affair.  Remember, we as humans have a survival mechanism that has us need to be right.  We’ll look for evidence that proves are point.  We’ll go far and wide to find information that makes us right, even if it’s unrelated.

If the husband doesn’t get his concerns addressed until he is ok with the situation then it’s a disaster waiting to happen no matter what the wife is doing with John (innocent or not).

It’s highly critical that both the husband and wife are honest and authentic about their feelings and actions toward each other and toward John.

As always this situation should be able to be handled with an…

Open and Honest Communication.

Let me know what you would do in this situation and leave a comment below.  If you have a scenario or situation you would like for us to address, tell us in the comment section and we’ll be sure to address it.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

PS- If you haven’t picked up Bobby’s book called @$$holes to Zipper heads – A to Z Guide for Choosing a Man you may want to grab it now.  It’s one of the best playbooks on how to choose a man I’ve read.  I’ll be handing it to my daughter when she’s ready.   Go get it, you’ll love it.

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The One Thing That Can Fix Your Relationship

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Take a moment and think about the one thing that could impact your relationships more than anything else. Thoughts of intimacy, sex, money may bubble to the surface. We all have different ideas of what makes a good relationship and what could make it better. I have heard women complain about not enough sex and too much sex. I have heard men complain about the same thing. Women often talk about lack of romance but don’t know how to get it from their men. Men say that romance never gets them any where with their women. And goes on and on. The complaints without solutions. Before long all we have is a complaint department with a “Take A Number” rotating sign. And just like in a department store when the clerk yells, “Next”, it does not mean that anything will get resolved. But you do get to voice your complaint.

So what is that one thing that will improve your relationship? It can be an elusive little thing. Fix one thing and another pops up. Solve one problem and another arises. But there is a magic bullet that can make the impact your searching for. And it will work in every situation, every time.

The Set Up…

Take a look at Mary and Steve, they are a married couple with no children. Both have careers, dreams and goals. They seem to be happy and enjoy life with each other. However, Mary had recently taken note that intimacy and sex had not been as frequent. Steve had been working a lot lately, coming home tired and many times he would shower and go straight to bed. He was spending more time away from Mary than ever in their married life.

Rather than talk with Steve she shared it with her girlfriend Amy. Over lunch the two of them rambled on about how men should and should not behave. They discussed what could possibly be “wrong” with Steve. Mary and Amy became convinced that Steve was either no longer interested in the marriage or was cheating with someone else.

The two women left the lunch date satisfied that they had gotten to the bottom of the “problem” but unhappy with what they now believed to be true.

On the other hand…

Steve had been pushing for a big promotion at work and was keeping a secret from Mary. This was an exciting time but the hours were wearing on him. He knew if this promotion came through, they could buy a house and start a family. He couldn’t wait to tell Mary, but he wasn’t going to spring it on her until he knew for sure. Steve was very proud of Mary because she didn’t put any pressure on him. She was so understanding when he came home tired and went right to bed. She was a great wife and he would be so happy to tell her the news when it finally happened!

Does This Sound Familiar?

Steve and Mary are exactly like every couple. They have things going on in their lives and for one reason or another, signals get crossed or misinterpreted. In this case, Steve is working hard to provide a better living and ultimately purchase a home and start a family. His excitement is what keeps him pushing forward. Mary misreads what is happening and validates her thoughts with a close girlfriend. Steve’s long hours and Mary’s interpretations will eventually bring them to battle. Worse yet, there was never really a problem.

We have a great ability to read into a situation that does not fit our reality. In this case, lack of intimacy was not the normal course. It led to thought of infidelity. This was shared and validated by a third party and now we have a huge problem where one never really existed.

The Magic Bullet…

So again, what’s that one thing that will improve your relationship?

If Mary had just talked to Steve and not let it get to the point of wild thoughts, there may have been a different outcome. If Steve had shared with Mary that his workload was going to greatly increase for a while, she may have understood. But when they both remain quite and refuse to discuss what going on, nothing can be resolved. The missing conversation is the Magic Bullet. A simple conversation can change just about anything. Find out what going on, don’t assume. Share openly and request the same from your partner., Talk it over and get to the bottom of what’s really going on. Don’t hide the truth and don’t hide from it.

Conversation is a funny relationship tool. When two people are openly sharing, there is very little that we see as problematic. Take the beginning of a relationship, people talk for hours, they are happy with the dialogue and never want it to end. As time goes on, we talk less. We seem to get comfortable knowing everything. So when an issue crops up, don’t hide from it. Talk like you did at the beginning of the relationship. Get curious and ASK! When you get your answer, you may be pleasantly surprised.

The tools of conversation are what we try to assist with here at RLA. We are passionate about the dialogue. We learn everyday from our relationships and our readers and we hope this benefits each of you. To get more informed and hone your skills, I highly Recommend Jay Simcic’s latest book Mancode Secrets Revealed. In it, Jay covers many of the things in this article but dives far deeper into the meanings and feelings behind what we do. One reader shared that this book not only helped her relationship, it has given her new tools to deal with friends, family and work associates. Check it out at the provided link. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

So, until next time keep this Magic Bullet handy for all relationship situations. Let me know how it goes. We want to hear your success stories.

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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The Professor and Interpersonal Relationships

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Last week, I had the privilege of sitting in a class room at Appalachian State University. It was Friday morning, 9:00AM and the room had just finished a test. The lecture hall was full with 55 students present. The professor, Jan Woods, was teaching accounting and as I said, the room was full! On a Friday! Many lecture halls we either empty or woefully under attended. What the hell was going on. These kids were supposed to be ready for the weekend and a Football game. And yet they were all here and engaged in the conversation.

Now, let’s cover all of the details; Jan Woods has been voted “Most Likable Professor” on several occasions, she has a score of 4.4 on Rate My Professor.com and the real key is that she loves what she does. She has been teaching at the University for more than ten years and it DOESN’T show. Jan acts as if each day is her first. As I watched, the students never got off track, they listened intently and asked pointed questions. Every interaction was met with equal enthusiasm. No question was out of line or considered irrelevant. These kids were there because they wanted to be there, not because of any parental obligation.

The time went by at a blinding pace and before I knew it, the class was over. I was disappointed to see it end. And apparently, so were several of the students. When class was dismissed, there was no mad rush to the doors. Every other class I had ever attended finished with students closing their books, gathering materials five minutes prior to the end of the session, and assuming a runners stance in order to sprint out the door. Nothing of the sort on this day. The students causally collected their things only after being dismissed. They milled around, chatted and several remained after to discuss issues with the latest assignments. They’re in college, so I know they realize it’s Friday. RUN!!! Be free! It’s the weekend…

And Jan stayed to speak with each one who needed her advice. She shared her schedule and gave them additional times to see her if needed. Without hurry, she shared herself with every student and only when they were gone, did we leave also. It was a stark difference from what I had been used to in my collegiate days.

The REAL Difference…

As fascinating as it was to watch and be part of the interactions between Jan and her students, there was nothing secret about what the real difference was. You see, Jan loves her students and they love her. She makes it personal to teach them and accepts the responsibility as both a privilege and an honor. What happens after that is the magic. Accounting and Introduction to Business have the potential to be the most boring classes of a students career. The information is dry and very little changes from one year to the next. And yet you could never tell while in her class room. The magic is really in the relationship.

The dawning realization washed over me, that this is what everyone should strive to achieve. We are all teachers in our own worlds. We teach and learn from each other on a daily basis. It can be our work relationships, our friends and families and of course, our own children. However, accepting the responsibility as both a privilege and an honor is the challenge. It is only through the love of the experience that we can preform to the Level Professor Woods has achieved.

Consider that every interaction sends a message out into the world. When we deal with associates at our work place, they in turn, go home and the impact is either shared or indirectly transferred to their families. They take this new experience and pass it along as well. We see this more clearly in teaching as with Mrs. Woods. The students accept the lessons from her, but more importantly, they accept them willingly through the spirit of her teaching. They help each other with assignments and are eager to share. Her impact goes far into the world in that she is preparing these students for a life journey. And so are we with our families and especially our children.

Making a Difference…

Knowing the power of relationships, it gives me pause to look at what’s going on in my world and see what impacts I am making on those within my circle of influence. I challenge you to do the same. We can not hide from the fact that we touch others everyday and in ways we may not see or understand. Ask yourself; what message and I sending my children? Am I being the person I want others to see as? Are my actions in accordance with my expectations? Am I who I want to be?

Think about the message into the world as you teach a child to read, to play a musical instrument, to play with others or to love. Your message will carry on for years to come. That same child will absorb and translate what he has learned, so consider making it something you wish to have returned to you. Your message will live on in the heart and minds of those you touch and there is no exception.

The ongoing theme of our writings here at RLA Advisors is communication. Talk, discuss, communicate do what it takes to make better relationships and enjoy each other. At the same time, we understand that changing the world means changing ourselves. We have no power to force a change upon another human being, but if we choose to behave differently, then we will receive something in return. Don’t like what you see in others? Look within and make a change. If that doesn’t do it, don’t be afraid to repeat the process.

Last weeks article was about the power of choice and here again, that choice resides solely within us as individuals. Choose to be that person who makes a difference. I know Jan does and I can’t thank her enough for her efforts.

Now go make a difference in the lives of people you love. Let me know your success stories. What you do touches and moves the universe. Be kind and see what you get in return…

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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The Journey For Choosing The Right Man

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DriverXSmallImagine you’re setting out on a journey. You are heading to Disney World for a week of fun and entertainment. You pack your things, lock the house, and get in the car. You start up the engine and look down the road.

In that moment you realize you don’t a have map, directions to get there from where you are, or a GPS to help you. You’re obviously not going to get there in the most efficient way possible.

Most people would say that is how we travel through the life of our romances and relationships. No guide or directions, we just wing it in hopes we’ll get to the destination we want.

I would like you to consider that it’s actually worse than that. Here is the scenario that I believe is more accurate. You’ve got a map, you’ve got a GPS and you’ve got directions to get to Disney World. And here’s what they look like.

Your grandparents handed down the map. They used it in the 1970’s when Disney World first opened and passed it down to your parents and then your parents to you. It’s all yours and you think it’s accurate and up to date. Why would your parents give you something that was incorrect? Right?

Your GPS was given to you from someone who had trouble with it and thought you could use it. To you it seems normal. It doesn’t look like anything is wrong with it. It’s just used.

The directions were given to you by your father, your previous boyfriends, and other male figures who you loved and had trust in to give you the right directions. You learned a few directions from each as you went along until you had what you thought as a full set.

What I’m suggesting here is that you’re driving toward a destination relationship with old, out dated equipment, that needs updating. In fact, the map or blueprint you’ve been using to guide you through the maze of relationships more than likely isn’t even half yours. You’ve acquired them from others along the way. Much of it is made up and you probably wouldn’t even get to where you were going.

As you read this book you will begin to see new openings in how you’ve picked men in the past, how it may have been on autopilot and how you can recreate your own map for relationship success right now. What’s even more powerful is you can now pass on an accurate map, directions and GPS to those you love.

Enjoy this journey and eye opening read.

Go check out Bobby McFadden’s newest release on Amazon Kindle.  It will be an eye opening experience.  Go get it.

@$$holes To Zipper Heads – The A to Z Guide For Choosing A Man!

I promise you won’t ever forget it.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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Vegetarians, Relationships and the Power of Choice

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I don’t know how many of our readers will truly get the point here, but I had to share it. I welcome comments and questions. I want you to have the same freedom I have discovered in my relationships. Being capable of choosing brings me a sense of comfort and ease that I have never before experienced. I hope that I haven’t missed the mark. Please let me know…

It has been said that the greatest gift we have as human beings is that of choice. I agree but what does that really mean?

Recently, I had a wonderful conversation with a close friend. I always enjoy her dialogue, she is insightful and challenges me to think. As a vegetarian, she makes a moral decision about what she will and will not eat. Further, she attempts to limit or remove any animal products from her life style. I commend her. Although I am not a vegetarian,  I often ask about new information regarding the diet.

During our latest discussion she suggested that eating anything was simply a moral decision. I was somewhat confused and asked for clarification. Her thoughts (correctly,I might add) were,  societies place morals on what is eaten and what is not. For instance, at one time cannibalism was practiced,  dog is consumed in several countries and horse meat is a staple in many different regions. Each area or society deems what they feel is a correct moral value on what is regularly eaten.

I was greatly intrigued by the thought of morality incorporated it deciding and choosing. But what I discovered surprised me.

The Morality of Being Moral

Doing the right thing is what it’s all about. But who gets to decide what’s right?

Dictionary. com defines morality as follows:

mo·ral·i·ty [muh-ral-i-tee, maw-]

noun, plural mo·ral·i·ties .

1. conformity to the rules of right conduct; moral or virtuous conduct.

So if I get this right, morality is just conforming to the rules of being proper. And those rules are changes or modified based on who sets them. Okay, I get that. How can we be moral if the code for being so changes in every social circle? What is truly right and do I use my own morality in every choice or decision I make?

My head was spinning letting me know that this was a good question…

Deciding the Truth

Searching for an answer I began to review choices I had made. I thought about eating a dog, a horse or other items deemed to be unacceptable here in the United States. I considered that I made those choices freely but based on my own morality. Yes, I used my morals to guide me to an end conclusion many times. Each new consideration was one moral decision after another. What was right verses what was wrong. Deciding the best way to go about something without getting into trouble.

Was it possible that every decision I made was morally based? If so, how could there be any possibility of free choice? Another conversation with an RLA Advisor revealed the secret I was searching for.

Decision is the act of selection based on reason. In other words deciding what should or should not be done within ones personal moral beliefs. I had not been choosing, I had been deciding. And the difference was incredible. If we base our decisions on reasons, what happens if the reasons change?

Decision Verses Choice

The impact of what happened next was profound. I realized that I had not been choosing, I had been deciding. The difference is extreme. Choosing something or someone is a powerful thing. It is done because I say so and there is no reason to it. Choosing is a gift of the greatest magnitude and mistaking it can have a horrible consequences.

The best way to describe it would be with the thought that lingered in my mind. “I choose to go to work every day” It seemed to make sense to me until I said it again, “I choose to go to work every day for my family” It still felt good to say it but the difference was, I was deciding based on a set of circumstances. I was not choosing! What scared the hell out of me was, what if I no longer enjoyed my job? Would I resent the job or would I resent my family? And there it was, basing anything on the set of reasons was not a choice it was a decision. If the morality of the decision changed, so be it, but there is no power.

Additionally, the reasons are limiting. If I loose my job, or get divorced what happens to the decision regarding my job. The mentality has to change because the reasons I implied have disappeared. I had to rethink the process and find empowerment within choice.

I do believe that the greatest gift we have as human beings is that of choice. But, I also feel that we overlook what it means to truly choose. If a reason is involved it is not a choice. Don’t be fooled by reasoning it out. Get past it and make the effort to choose and see what happens.

Consider what this will do for your relationship. I choose my girlfriend because I choose my girlfriend. There is no reason. The choice is mine and no one else’s. There is no reason or circumstances that force or guide me. I choose because I choose. If you wish you can do the same it creates a space for the choice and nothing else. What you choose will stand on it’s own and there will never be a reason governing the choice.

I honor my wife because I choose to honor my wife.

I honor my husband because I choose to honor my husband.

I love my children because I choose to love my children.

I go to work because I choose to go to work.

The power of choice is the greatest gift we have and yet understanding it can be incredibly difficult. So go out and choose, don’t decide, don’t reason, and don’t be moral. Just simply choose because it is what you want, nothing more. The freedom is unparallelled.

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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