Marriage

Don’t Like Me? Fuck Off.

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I was scrolling through my Facebook page when I came across this sign and thought about the simplicity of the message. It came from another Facebook page, here it is for you to check it out. Big Fake Titties, Guns & manly shit that’s gonna piss your girlfriend off.

We constantly write about the nature of relationships and what can be done to repair or correct them. We question who we are being and what actions have caused issues within our relationships. We press the subject of changing us and forget about the actions of others. But there is also a part of yielding that we seldom examine.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

I am a huge advocate for the advancement of free thinking. I suggest that each of us needs to occasionally step back and look at where we are in the journey of life. An objective view can bring interesting perspective to any subject or relationship. More importantly, it provides us an opportunity to look at an item without placing meaning on it.

Take a look at Christine and Derrick, they have two small children ages 4 and 7. The 7 year old boy constantly uses foul language and when unhappy will cuss at the parents. His teachers have asked Christine and Derrick to control their child because the same behavior is reported in the classroom. When Christine and Derrick address the problem, they simply talk to the boy and attempt to explain why his language is unacceptable. There is no punishment, just a conversation. Christine and Derrick fear that the child will not love them if he is punished in any manner and they choose to try to converse rather than manage him any other way. In addition, they have a rising fear that the younger child is beginning to behave in the same manner.

The meaning Christine and Derrick have placed on punishment is the the children will no longer love them. They have such a fear of loosing the children’s love that they are willing to run the risk of allowing their behavior to continue and grow. Whether they are correct or not, both Christine and Derrick have placed meaning on punishment and it has paralyzed them from action. I can assure you that my parents had no such fear and they doled out punishment often.

I encourage Christine and Derrick to step back and look at the bigger picture. Is it possible that they are allowing and encouraging the children to behave is such a way? Is it possible that the children see their acquiescence as a sign to continue? Is it possible that the meaning they place on punishment is really nothing at all?

This is just one example of how we yield in relationships to avoid problems.

The Other Side of the Coin

I challenge you to use your own judgment in any relationship to examine the real issues. Throwing up your hands and saying, “That’s just the way it is!” is not always the best solution. For instance, Christine and Derrick have other options but they choose not to employ them.

In our adult relationships the same is true. We have options to engage, get angry, converse, be silent, there is any number of methods but when is it enough? That’s the real question…

In the case of my childhood, if I had chosen to cuss at my parents, my father would have seen to it that this particular mistake was a one time occurrence. He was strict and we all knew what the acceptable parameters were of behavior. He was not worried about our loving image of him. I thank him for raising me to be who I am. Enough to him was somewhat smaller than to others.

As adults we sometimes see our options to be limited and we restrict ourselves from acting. Christine and Derrick seem very restricted. But what if you are in a hurtful and harmful relationship? When do you have enough? You must make that choice for yourself.

I suggest the same process, step back, take an objective look and take action. My personal view is that if the relationship is mentally or physically abusive, exiting has fewer consequences than remaining. And I mean this for any relationship, spousal, personal, working environment, a harmful relationship is just that and nothing more.

If you’ve done all you can do to get the relationship to a positive place, than what’s left?

Don’t Just Flip the Coin

I enjoy using the relationship strategies we teach here at RLA Advisors. I like knowing there are options to motivate and improve my relationships. But I also have to admit that not all people will be positively impacted every time.

I ask that you continue to utilize our techniques and attempt to improve your relationships.

But when all else fails and you don’t like me, fuck off. Problem solved.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

Once again I want to direct you to Jay Simcic’s latest book. Here’s the link to find it on Amazon.com: Mancode Secrets Revealed. I highly recommend it for all of our readers. It covers a ton of aspects that you could benefit from in your relationships. The reviews have been great and I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

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Communication Confessions Of A Geek

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GeekI was reading a book the other day to improve my understanding of people in business and politics and how the world works in reality.  Yes, I  know that’s kind of geeky but I love that stuff.  But what became clear very quickly was how it crossed over into the realm of relationships.

And that’s where I asked myself, why do we misunderstand each other and act weird when we do?  I don’t mince words.  I typically say exactly what I mean but why did my wife misunderstand me and then we both act weird.  Or why does your husband misunderstand you.

I think you’ll enjoy the excerpt form Frank I. Luntz book “Words That Work:  It’s Not What You Say That Matters, It’s What People Hear” that I picked out for you.  It delivers a powerful message.  Again, this is from a book that is not about relationships but if you read this passage with your relationship mind you’ll quickly discover what I’m talking about and why it is effective.

It’s not what you say, it’s what people hear.   You can have the best message in the world, but the person on the receiving end will always understand it through the prism of his or her own emotions, preconceptions, prejudices, and preexisting beliefs. It’s not enough to be correct or reasonable or even brilliant. The key to successful communication is to take the imaginative leap of stuffing yourself right into your listener’s shoes to know what they are thinking and feeling in the deepest recesses of their mind and heart. How that person perceives what you say is even more real, at least in a practical sense, than how you perceive yourself.

When someone asks me to illustrate the concept of “words that work,” I tell them to read Orwell’s 1984—and then see the movie. In particular, I refer them to the book passage that describes Room 101—or as Orwell basically describes it, the place where everyone’s personal, individual nightmares come true. If your greatest fear is snakes, you open the door to a room full of snakes. If your fear is drowning, your Room 101 fills to the brim with water. To me, this is the most frightening, horrific, imaginative concept ever put on paper, simply because it encourages you to imagine your own Room 101. Words that work, whether fiction or reality, not only explain but also motivate. They cause you to think as well as act. They trigger emotion as well as understanding.

Luntz, Frank I. (2007-01-02). Words That Work: It’s Not What You Say that Matters, It’s What People Hear (Kindle Locations 124-135). Hyperion. Kindle Edition.

Do you get that?  It’s not about what you said or how you said it.  It’s about how he filtered what you said and how you sounded to him.  Once you get that one concept… all by itself… it has the ability to transform your relationship to a new level of understanding and connection.  Understand this concept and you’ll begin to gain a level of relatedness with your partner you’ve probably never had before.

But the question becomes…

How can you know how he hears you?

The first thing that comes to mind is to ask him.

If you say something and he misunderstands you, instead of scolding him or getting upset and shutting down, ask him to feed back to you what he heard and what it meant to him.  Do that and you can begin to get on the same footing and level the playing field.  Now you can begin to understand each other more clearly.  Doing this is like wiping a dirty window with some window cleaner.

But here’s the truth about it.   This is just one aspect that you’ll break through.  Consider that we all have hundreds, possibly thousands, of filters that we hear, see, taste, and smell through.  Obviously we don’t have to break down every single filter.  But by understanding that there is more than one you can begin to take on your relationships at an intimate level as well as at work in a different way.

It definitely gives you a new way of viewing things.

What can you do now that you know this?

Now that you know all this you can begin to see the depth and complexity of your man.  Sometimes he may open up to you.  Sometimes he won’t.  I urge you to talk to him as often as possible.  Understand him as much as you can.  If he won’t open up on a particular topic consider talking to another man.  It’s not the perfect solution but it will help.

And if you want to get a quick overview of what your man thinks, I ask that you visit Amazon.com and pick up a copy this amazing book called A$$holes to Zipper Heads:  A to Z Guide For Choosing A Man, it will give you an eye opening look at your own filters and how they have caused you to choose the man you have now and in the past.  The insight will be tremendous and it already has 3 Five Star reviews.

I hope this article has been helpful.  Until next time…

Love… to infinity and beyond.

 

Jay

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How to Have the Best Five Minutes of Your Life!

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Last week I posted and article about how we filter things we hear. I‘ve included the link here for you to read: The Dumbest Thing I’ve Ever Heard! And we actually filter everything that comes to us as adults. We see, hear, touch, taste and smell through filters that are deep seeded in our brains. There is nothing wrong with us, but it is important to recognize that we have these filters.

We see smoke and we think fire. We see ice and we think cold. It is automatic. In some cases it can be a great filter. For example when we see a fire, we think hot and could cause damage. This is a good filter designed to keep us safe and free of harm.

On the other hand, I will use a very bad stereotype. Many people see a blond woman and immediately think she may be the typical “Dumb Blond”. This is not such a good filter. I have met many extremely intelligent blonds and many not so smart brunettes. This filter serves no good purpose. Both come from our past and are there because someone told us something or we experienced an event that made us believe it to be true.

Our input filters are in place to keep us safe but they also work to develop and support our biases. Consider all fire has the potential to burn and cause damage. We know this to be true and we have evidence to support such a belief. Consider all blonds are dumb. We know this not to be true but the bias and stereotype remains and the filter for both stays in place.

Now think of what life would be like if we didn’t have all of those filters. Intelligence alone will keep us safe. We will continue to avoid harmful things because we know this via intellectual reasoning, But if we could remove the rest…

Life Through the Eyes of a Child

Children have no filters. These are developed over time and education. They don’t realize that the stove is hot until they experience it. I mean they actually have to touch a hot stove and from there, they KNOW what hot means.

Imagine how they view the world… With no filters to stereotype things, events or people, everything is new and in question. A child approaches any thing, person or situation with curiosity and no internal filtering system. If a problem is presented, the child will find a way around or over. There is nothing too big for them to tackle. If food is on the counter a child will stack chairs, tables, toys, move furniture or use a broom handle, but they will attempt to get the food they see and want. No problem, I’ll get to it.

Sure it may not work perfectly the first attempt, but the child will press on undaunted until they succeed. With no filters they are fearless and full of the newness the world has to offer. What a great way to venture through life!

The Wonder of Life

As a child we have this great sense of adventure. We go from one thing to the next with as much excitement as we can muster. Play time is for learning a new skill and children relish in the activities presented to them. Imagination runs wild with thoughts of what can be done with an over-sized corrugated box. Forget the toys, let’s make a fort out of the box and play a game with it.

It is incredible to watch children play with the smallest and most meaningless items while having a great time. Without filters everything looks interesting.

We have this same potential as adults. Adults are given situations which we find to be curious, but the frequency in which they occur seem to be far less often. And the reason for this is our filters. We have chosen to block out the excitement of experience and move through life as efficiently as possible without wonder and curiosity.

Our adult filters provide us an expectation of what is about to happen or take place. We use this to tool to fill that childhood void with adult style meaning that shields us from the full wonder of what actually takes place in the world. Our filters wrap us in a cocoon insulating us from the present of the present. By that I mean we are given the gift of life each day, but by not being present to the world around us, we lose the value of the gift over and over again.

The Best Five Minutes of Your Life!

It is possible that the best five minutes of your life begin now. By forcing yourself to remove your internal filters, you too can get back to that childish view of life. Every experience can be new, exciting and fresh. Consider that you have no idea of what is about to happen and simply enjoy being wherever and with whom ever you may be. Strip away the filters and get back to seeing what happens next.

The old saying goes: No matter how big and tough you are, when a two year old hands you a toy cell phone, you say “hello!” And why not, the child wants to play the game of life. As adults we are too busy fighting from one issue to the next. The reality is, we are playing the game too. The difference is that we are annoyed by so much of what “happens” to us. Nothing really happens to us, it just happens. What we make it into, now that’s a different story.

I have been told, “I have some bad news for you”. The truth is, all you have is news, it is neither good nor bad. I challenge you to begin the next five minutes filter free. Listen to what is said, see what is really there if you expect nothing what you get may be quite a nice surprise!

Think of how conversation with your significant other could be without expectation. What would dialogue with your children be like if you were present and without pretense. Every thing we do in life can have that new and exciting feel if we can step back and remove filters and expectations. Every five minutes has the potential to be the best five minutes of your life!

If you still don’t believe me, try planning a romantic evening with your partner. Remove your filters and expectation and ask them for the same. Make each event for the evening filter free. Look at the conversations and actions as if they are the first time you are viewing them. Get present to what’s there as you experience the evening as the first time you were on a date. Be curious and explore each other without the cumbersome filters we all have in our lives. Commit to making every five minutes on the date the best five minutes of your life. Se where this takes you and let me know what you experience. I don’t know about you, but it sounds pretty hot to me!

Speaking of “hot”, Jay Simcic has his latest book out now and I highly recommend it for all of our readers. Here’s the link to find it on Amazon.com: Mancode Secrets Revealed. It covers many of the insights we fail to address in our daily relationships,. The reviews of this book have been positive and very strong. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

As always,

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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How do you tell your husband he’s fat and you want him to exercise?

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Overweight in your relationship

Imagine your husband is 5’10” and weights 310 lbs.

You love your husband completely.  You’ve never thought about leaving him.  You just want him to be around for you and your family for as long as possible.  You know that if he doesn’t change his weight will definitely impact his health.

What do you do?

How do you tell him without getting him pissed?

The First Thing You Must Do…

Is figure out why you want him to lose weight.

If you want him to lose weight because he’s not appealing to you anymore is different than you wanting him to lose weight because of health reasons.

Do you get upset, angry, or yell at him when he violates what you deem is healthy?  Do you jab him about his weight to try and get your point across?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these I recommend you first look at what is triggering you about your man’s weight.

Maybe you had a family member pass because of obesity related health complications.  Maybe you had something happen when you were younger that has stuck with you (kids picking on you because you were overweight).

If you can first identify this it will then help YOU deal with the current situation without getting emotional.  Believe me, these types of conversations can become emotional and then you go no where.  You will now be able to communicate your intent and concern without your own filters and thoughts on the matter.  Remember, he’ll have thoughts, emotions, and ideas about where he is health wise too… so you’ll need to be open and non-judgmental about where he’s coming from.

Now it’s time to sit down and have the conversation.  You’ll want more than just 10 minutes if you want to have a meaningful conversation.  I recommend you set a date and time the two of you can sit and talk.  Let him know that you want to talk about some important things to you and you need enough time to discuss them.  Once you’ve done that you will want to let him know exactly where you’re at on this topic.

I don’t recommend you say something like, “Dude, you’re fat and I don’t want you to die.”  What you can do is say, “I love you and want to spend as long as we can together, happily.  The only way to do that is to do the right things in our life like saving, keeping the peace in the family, and staying healthy.  And that’s why I want to talk to you…”

You get the picture.

Once you’ve said what you had to, you can let him speak.  Don’t interrupt and listen intently.  You should listen for the content beyond the surface.  On the surface you may hear superficial comments.  Beneath that you may hear that he is hurting emotionally and is dealing with something.  Don’t judge and don’t jump to conclusions.  Talk to him, ask questions, and be in wonder about where he is about his on health.

That’s how you’ll get him to open up and begin to make a difference in his health and your lives together.

If you’ve ever wanted to delve deeper into your man’s psyche and explore what you can do to improve your relationship you will want to check out @$$holes To Zipper Heads:  A to Z Guide For Choosing A Man.  It’s a great read that will open up your eyes on how to explore the world of your man in a new way.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

Photo Source:  A Matched Set photo by Tobyotter on Flickr

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The Dumbest Thing I’ve Ever Heard!

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Have you ever heard someone say, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard”? Of course you have. And not only have you heard it said, it is more than likely that you have said it as well. And at the time it may have been appropriate, but I want to challenge the thought behind the message.

We have a very interesting listening mechanism built into us human beings. From an early age we are programed to hear things in ways that fit into our reality. In other words, if it doesn’t make sense to us, we sometimes belittle it or change it into something else. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard” is just a saying to get us into the normality that we feel comfortable with. Moreover, rather than clear up what was just said or have an open dialogue, we cut off all further conversation.

In his latest book Mancode Secrets Revealed, Jay Simcic covers this in great detail. If you haven’t read it yet, I suggest you pick it up at Amazon.com through the Kindle Store. It’s worth the read.

It explains that we seem to filter everything we hear through what we already know. By doing so, it is very limiting in how and what we learn. And just imagine what it means to our relationships…

Did You Hear That?

Since being in a relationship is emotional, we have our antenna up in order to catch the deeper meaning of the communications within them. Additionally, in a relationship we filter what we hear by how previous relationships have played out over time. We will hear something and reference how it was delivered before and convert the message directly to the “good” or “bad” of the prior situation. But the messages, although worded similarly could be miles apart from each other.

For instance, Ray and his former girlfriend Sarah had an argument that led to the ending of their relationship. Ray had gone out for the evening with some of his college buddies. They watched football and drank beer. One of the guys named Gary met a girl and went home with her. This particular guy was dating Sarah’s best friend. Some how, Sarah discovered Gary’s infidelity and shared it with her girlfriend. This of course, ended that relationship.

When Sarah confronted Ray about the incident, she demanded to know why did nothing to prevent Gary from going home with the other woman. Ray said he was helpless to prevent it and didn’t even know Gary had left with a woman until after he was gone. Sarah was angry hurt about what happened to her girlfriend and was taking it out on Ray. Over and over she would say, “You’re just like him” and “All men are the same”. Ray was not able to convince Sarah of his innocence and the relationship ended soon after.

From that point on, Ray was hyper sensitive to those two phrases, “You’re just like him” and “All men are the same”. When they were originally said by Sarah, the delivery was hostile, through yelling and a heated argument. And yet they never left Ray’s memory.

In his new relationship Ray’s girlfriend would often joke that “All men are the same”. And at first Ray was defensive about the statement. When he realized she was saying it in jest, Ray understood but didn’t like her use of the phrase. It was harmless but the memory was still rather painful. He always had to caution himself when his new girlfriend would use similar phrases in joking.

The Wrong Word in the Right Ear…

From time to time a phrase or saying may incite feelings that are not common with the statement. At these times it is important to dig into where the feeling come from and when they originated. Getting to the bottom of it will help with the feelings of today.

Remember, we listen through our programming filters and try to make the statements of today fit into what we know of days gone by. Try to work through what’s there and don’t be afraid to ask a question in order to have the statement put another way that will assist in getting past it.

There may not be any reason to get upset with the way someone said a particular phrase. Put one way and it may be the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard, re-worded and it may open up something to be explored.

Give it a try and let me know how it works out and if anything opens up for you.

Love with no shame and ask with no fear

Bobby

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