Jay Simcic

Relationship posts are written by a self-proclaimed expert on relationships. He's been married for over 15 years and has a lovely daughter who is 6 years old. You can read more on the information page: http://www.relationshiploveadvice.com/blog/about/

Common Relationship Problems With A Hair Trigger

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She was standing at the end of the driveway sobbing.

How is this going to go.  What if the police show up.  What if I actually do it.  Screw him, he deserves it.

As she approached the house, she pulled the handgun out of her purse.

This is it, show time.

She twisted the knob gently and casually walked in.

“Hey Johnny, where are you?”

“I’m in the kitchen”, he answered.

She raised the gun and aimed at his head as she stepped into the kitchen.

“What the hell’s going on?  What are you doing?  Why do you have a gun?”

“I know you’ve been cheating on me, Johnny!”, she yelled.

“What are you talking about?  I haven’t cheated on you.”

“Then why did I see the charge on our Visa from Victoria’s Secret?  You’ve never brought me anything from there and it’s been weeks since I saw it on the card.  My birthday is over six months away.  You dirty bastard. I can’t believe you would do something like this. ”

Her face turned red and her hands started to shake as she thought about the possibilities.

“Who is she, Johnny!  Tell me.”

Johnny looked at her as a tear began to form in his eye.

“It’s YOU.  It’s you, sweetheart.  I thought I would surprise you when you get the promotion you’ve been talking about.  I thought about it weeks ago and didn’t know when your promotion would go through.  I figured I would get you something nice and give it to you when it happened.”

Johnny started to shiver out of fear.

“Now put the gun down. We seriously need to talk. What made you go to this extreme?”

She dropped the gun and started to cry…

***

Now that’s a bad situation.  And it could happen to anyone.  Yes, it’s a little dramatic but when you consider emotions, the chemicals in your brain, and your reactions based on what’s going on in your life, this event is possible on varying levels.  And the roles can be reversed.  Man or woman, husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, we ARE invested in our relationships.

Where does all this come from?

You’re probably saying to yourself right now… “That wouldn’t happen to me.”

Sure, maybe not to this extreme but how many times have you jumped to conclusions about other things that weren’t true at all.  It happens to all of us.  And it’s ok.  It’s not right or wrong, good or bad.  It happens and it’s our job to become aware of it so we can do something with it.

First, let me tell you about this great bit of information I found on Psychology Today that explains some of the chemical wirings that might be causing some of this to happen.

Love triggers oxytocin
Oxytocin is the neurochemical that causes trust. It’s released during orgasm, and in smaller amounts when you hold hands and when animals lick their babies. Oxytocin is the good feeling of a common cause, from a political rally to a football huddle to honor among thieves.
Reptiles release oxytocin during sex, but mammals produce it all the time. That’s why reptiles stay away from other reptiles except when mating, while mammals form attachments to relatives and herds. The more oxytocin you release with a person, the more attached you feel. More touch, more oxytocin, more trust. But trust gets complicated in the human brain. You trust a person to live up to your expectations, and don’t realize how complex your expectations are. Eventually, your loved one fails to meet your expectations, and you fail to meet theirs.

To your mammal brain, any loss of trust is a life-threatening emergency. When a sheep is separated from its flock, its oxytocin dips and its cortisol surges. Cortisol is the feeling we experience as fear, panic, or anxiety. It works for sheep, motivating them to re-connect with the flock before they’re eaten alive. In humans, cortisol turns disappointed expectations into emergencies.

Source:  Psychology Today

What does all that mean?  It means that when you encounter an incident that has you lose trust in your partner your brain surges with cortisol which causes fear, panic, or anxiety.  It means in the situation above the lady felt like her life was threatened.  It was fear of the unknown and her brain filled in the blanks.

Think about it.  If you’re a jealous person I bet you experience these types of situations more often.  The unknown causes you to fill in the blanks and if you’re jealous you’re probably filling in the blanks with lots of stuff like cheating, messing around, lack of love, my partner loves other things more than me, etc.  That in turn creates this cortisol pump the psychology folks talked about.

Can you see how, if you don’t put a stop to it and become aware of how YOU are being, these things will continue?

Of course you can.

Once you’re able to become aware of how you act and react to things you’ll start to get a handle on it.  Add to it a healthy dose of honest communications with your partner and you’ll be on your way to a superstar relationship.

Is it easy?  I don’t know if it’s easy or hard.

It’s just what IS in many relationships.

You see, we often times don’t want to admit much of this to ourselves because it can be confronting.  It’s almost like you’re admitting you have a flaw.

The thing is, it’s NOT a flaw.  It’s a past experience, an expression of who you’ve been, and a survival mechanism you use to get through your relationships.

Let me give you another example…

My wife walks into my office.  I’m at my computer concentrating on work.  She comes behind me and gives me a big hug.

Quickly I pull away, throw my glasses on the desk… THWAP!

I turn back around and hug her back.

Depending on the perspective, past experiences with throwing things down, past experiences with pulling away quickly and everything else dealing with a similar  situation…she might interpret anger and that she is being a nuisance.  While on my side I just wanted to get all into the hug and enjoy it with out crushing my glasses.

Here’s the rub. In the moment, nothing was said.  It was all action.  It left our minds to fill in the blanks and thoughts associated to feelings and sounds.  There was NO meaning from the actions themselves.  They were just actions.  It’s our brains that want to immediately fill in the blanks because of our learned survival mechanisms.

Had we not had a conversation afterward, that entire incident could have been interpreted as something it wasn’t and held on to for the rest of the day.

Boy that would make for a fun night, wouldn’t it.  We could have been at each other’s throats.

Can you see the importance of conversation in your relationships?

In my experience, this sort of stuff really begins to ruffle feathers.  You may disagree with my writings.  You may agree with my writings.  I don’t know but no matter what it can’t expand and open up to something new unless we have a conversation.

As Bobby wrote in the previous article, Making Any Relationship Work, conversations allow you to open your mind, see different view points and either keep or disregard your current view.  If you’re holding it in, having the conversations with yourself, you might as well stop now.  You’ll always agree with yourself.

So, if you disagree with me or anyone on the RLA team let’s hear it.  Give me your thoughts and opinions.  Lets start a dialogue.  You never know how we’ll end up on the other end.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.  -Buddah

I would add to that holding on to anything at all yields the same result.

Enjoy,

Jay

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How To Fix My Relationship In One Simple Step

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Fix Your RelationshipHere’s a story for you…

Jeff was dating Michelle.  Jeff cheated on Michelle with her best friend and she found out.

She was devastated.

This happens two more times with guys she has dated.

Now Michelle is dating Henry.  The problem is that every woman Henry talks to or even glances at, Michelle gets jealous and becomes very angry.  Is Henry doing anything wrong.  Not in this case, but Michelle is carrying with her the past relationships with Jeff and all the others.  Because she’s had so many men cheat on her, she believes all men are cheaters.  Maybe not outright but those thoughts creep in from time to time.  They’re there.

That ultimately impacts Michelle’s relationship with Henry and if nothing changes, their relationship will more than likely end up like all the others… broken.

She has a choice.

She could choose to let go of the past and totally be with Henry for who he is RIGHT NOW.  Not who she thinks he is, who he could be or any other stuff she makes up.  If she chooses to be with him for who he is now she may find their partnership grows in ways that she never dreamed possible.

All because she gave up the past.

Have you ever considered that your past relationships could be haunting YOU?  Those relationships could be the reasons you do and say the things you do and say.

You’re probably looking at this post right now going, no… not me.

But the truth is, we ALL carry around our past relationships and then compare them to our current relationship.  We’re constantly looking to see if they measure up.

Do you ever find yourself dreaming or thinking of anyone in your past?  Maybe you had a dream about him.  Do you think that could be influencing how you are now.

Absolutely it is.

It’s even worse if you’ve had a few difficult relationships.  You’ll carry those around with you and bounce every new partner you have with those old ones.

If you don’t do something, it could be impending doom.

Either way you look at it, whatever is necessary for you to let those past relationships go NOW is what MUST be done.  If you don’t, no relationship you have going forward will stand up on it’s own merit.

It will always be a comparison to something.

Time to move on.

I get it, those past relationships made an impression.  You don’t have to forget them.  You don’t have to forget the things you like and don’t like in a relationship. But it’s imperative that you move on and complete them.

Focus on what you have right now and live it up.  Don’t focus on the past.  Stop comparing.

The person you’re with right now is a blank slate.  You get to start over new and see your partner for exactly who they are for you.  You control what you think and do and it doesn’t have to be an effect of past problems.

Be who you truly want to be with the partner you’re with right now.  Be loving, kind and free.  If you break up, ok.  If they cheat, ok.  That actually has nothing to do with your value, your confidence, or in fact anything to do with you.

They did what they did.  There’s not much you can do about.  But we’ll tend to re-live those moments over and over again.

I don’t know about you but once is enough.

Give it up and move on.  Find someone else.  Here’s a great excerpt from a popular psychology magazine that illustrates this concept…

By becoming psychologically differentiated from damaging experiences and identities from our past, we can develop a stronger sense of who we really are. We can begin to live our lives rather than relive our pasts. People who are differentiated in this manner have succeeded, to a large extent, in emancipating themselves from negative childhood influences. As a result, they have developed their own value system and set their own course in life. When people have a sense of their identity and are possessed of self, they can have a genuine respect for the boundaries, wants, and priorities of another individual, be it their partner, spouse, friend, or child.

Genuine love requires valuing another person’s goals in life separate from one’s own personal needs and interests. In a truly loving couple, each partner recognizes that the motives, desires, and aspirations of the other are as important as his or her own. Because they feel congenial toward each other’s aspirations, partners try not to interfere, intrude, or manipulate in order to dominate or control the relationship.

Source:  PsychologyToday.com

You’ll never be able to tell the future. But the way our brains work we try to tell in advance if someone is the right person for us, if they are a good person and if they will do right by us.

The fact is, you can speculate all day long.  But you’ll never know for sure.

The bottom line is, let those past relationships go.  Live with aliveness and vitality in your current relationship. Be who you truly want to be and allow your partner to be with you as you are, not with the baggage.

Do you have a long list of relationships that didn’t work?  Tell me about them.  Post them below.  I’d love to engage in conversation with you.

Till next time…

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Get A Man To Do Whatever You Want

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Get What You WantWhen it comes to relationship advice you can get your fair share from anyone you ask.

Everybody has their own thoughts and opinions about what you should be doing.  Just like them.. here’s mine.

First thing to keep in mind is getting what you want, at it’s core, is a conversation.  It’s a conversation and compromise.  Let’s go through this.

What is it that YOU want?

The first thing I think you should do is articulate for yourself exactly what it is you want.  If you’re going to ask for something you need to be ready to answer questions, defend your position, and explain why you want.  You’ll also want to consider how much you’re willing to give up for it.

I know this could be anything and we’re talking in generalities so think of something right now that you want out of your relationship.  That way as we go through this you can move along the process.

If you know exactly what you want, what you’re willing to give up for it and what you’re NOT willing to give up for it, you’ll be as prepared as ever.  Remember, you’re the one who has to know your limits first.

This isn’t some hard core negotiation but it will require some compromise depending on how open or closed your man is to what you want.

This is a conversation about what YOU want that your man can help deliver on.  It’s about making you happy and what he has to do to make you happy.

Let’s look at an example.  It’s simple and for illustration purposes very surface level…

Let’s say I want to go out with friends on a guys night.  I could just tell my wife I’m going, not care what she says and leave anyway.  That’s won’t do any good for our relationship.

I could say hay, “I’m thinking of going on a guys night this Friday.  Do you have anything planned for the two of us or are you good if I go?”

That’s pretty simple.

Then of course there’s the other end of the spectrum… “Ummm, honey… I’d like to have a guys night, would you give me permission to go?”

Of course there will be trade-offs… what time will you be home, do we need a baby sitter, who are you going with, will you be drinking and will you have a designated driver… etc.

The point is that it’s a conversation.  There might be some trade-offs for each of you.  No matter what, you can set your boundaries and get what it is you want on your terms.

What is your plan of attack?

If this isn’t a negotiation, why do you need a plan of attack?  I want you to use some common sense about this.  You don’t want to catch me right as I’m coming home from work and I’m in a bad mood.  You don’t want to catch me after I’ve just had a conversation with my boss that didn’t go to well.

Not that any of that should influence what you get but why not at least set yourself up for success.  So the right time is just as critical as knowing what you want and how much you’re willing to give up to get it.

Catch your man at the wrong time and you could lessen your chances.

How can you approach him so that he gets something too?

The way to approach him is with your first four buttons open, lots of cleavage showing, and a come hither look on your face.

No, I’m just joking.

You want to approach him as honest and authentic as you can.  You want to be upfront and tell him “I want something and I would like to talk to you about it.  Is now good?”

That sets him up for the conversation.  It gives him a chance to say, now is perfect or let’s talk at a better time.  This is your relationship we’re talking about.  These are your wants and needs up against his wants and needs.  You want to do it when it works for both of you.

Listen, if what you want is something simple, like a piece of chocolate, go friggin’ get it.  That’s not what I’m talking about.  What I’m talking about are the things you want out of your relationship including stuff you like to do, fun, entertainment, and romance.  All of it should be involved in the conversation.

With that being said, I want to reiterate, this is a conversation.  I recommend you have these conversations regularly so that both of you know what each other wants and where you want to go with your lives together.

I can almost guarantee that if you don’t have conversations and keep an open, authentic line of communication going, your relationship will be doomed.  Remember, these strategies are good for both men and women.  It’s just dialogue.

Thoughts, ideas, comments, gripes?  Post them below in the comment section.

To a healthy relationship,

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Relationship Advice In A Facebook World

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Relationship Advice For FacebookHow do you handle your relationship in a world of Facebook and other social sites?

First consider Facebook has over 901 million monthly active users.  Over 526 million of those people use Facebook every single day.

What does that tell you?

It tells you that TONS of people are using Facebook to communicate, interact, and engage with other people.  This site and others like it, have changed the face of how we connect .

Had it not been for Facebook I would have never reconnected with old high school friends I haven’t seen in 15 years or more.

Facebook makes it fast and easy to find people and engage with them.

You don’t have to sit on the phone for an hour catching up.  You can catch up with people on your own time.  For goodness sake, you can even be a voyeur of sorts because you can watch and never interact.

That’s kind of SCARY at the same time.

This connection engine has also created an ability to meet new people faster than ever before.  You have the ability to find people who like the same things.  It’s pretty easy to use Facebook to find your next fling or business relationship.

And that’s what some people are doing.  They’re sexting, emailing, and engaging in fantasies outside of their marriage or relationship with others using the inner workings of the biggest social site in the world.

Facebook isn’t the only site that allows you to do this, there are others out there.  It’s just that Facebook is the biggest.

Either way, if you want to meet people there is no shortage of ability.

How could Facebook impact your relationship or marriage?

It’s much easier to connect with old girlfriends, boyfriends, and partners.  You can sneak peeks of what those people are doing in their lives and then engage them.  It gives you the ability to rekindle old flames, even if you didn’t intend to.

It can definitely cause jealousy like you’ve never seen before.  Consider that you have the ability to have conversations in front of all your friends and many others.  If someone wants to post something about you that could impact your relationship, you don’t have much control over it and you’ll have some explaining to do.

Then again, much of it can be hidden through the email system inside of Facebook.  So then all you need is a password.

But it’s the public arena that can impact your relationship the most.  With digital photos and the ability to post them almost instantly you could be looking at problems.

How so?

You can be tagged in photos that you’re not interested in others knowing about.  You and some friends are out at a festival.  You’re dancing and having a good time while some woman you don’t know comes over and starts dancing with you and calling you the “King”.  She tries to get all up in your grill.

Just as she bumps up against you someone in your group takes a picture.  That picture gets posted to Facebook and you’re tagged.  The problem is the woman in the picture doing the grinding isn’t your wife.  And the picture doesn’t let everyone know that you pushed her way 0.3 seconds later.

You can control what you post but you can’t control what other people post and in what context.  That leaves everyone else to make their own decisions.  And these things can happen to both men and women.

Can you see the impact of our digital world.  Here’s a glimpse of the impact:

It turns out the kiss of death for marriages might be more like a poke.

A third of all divorce filings in 2011 contained the word “Facebook,” according to Divorce Online. And more than 80 percent of U.S. divorce attorneys say social networking in divorce proceedings is on the rise, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.

Divorce lawyer Marian Rosen, who practices in Houston, said she’s increasingly seen social media cited in divorce proceedings and child custody battles.

“We’ve had instances where they pull up Facebook in the course of a deposition,” Rosen told ABC News, adding that in addition to proving infidelity, she’s seen cases in which children’s profiles are cited as evidence to suggest bad parenting. “Once it’s out there for the world, it’s very difficult … to erase from the past. There are going to be trails that can be followed.”

Source:  abcnews.go.com

That should give you a taste of what’s going on.

How do you handle it if you see messages to your spouse or partner from someone you don’t know?

First don’t come to any conclusions.  You’ve just found something that has triggered emotions and right now you only have the context that YOU are making up.

You have no idea what the situation is so the first thing you should do is talk to your spouse or partner.  Find out what he’s thinking, what the message is all about, and what it means to him.

You also may want to come to terms with how you got the information.  Where you spying on him?  Did you already suspect him of something. You may have to answer to him.

Conversation is going to be the fastest way to diffuse any Facebook or social media related blunders.

It requires keeping cool and understanding the full situation.  Remember, you can only control YOU and how you’re acting in the situation.  When we get emotional we tend to let our brain fill in any blanks (Our brain already does that fine on its own, let alone in emotional situations.)

Either way, you can see how messages through Facebook or any other digital media can cause an impact on your relationship.  It’s important to keep the conversation open and understand the ground rules for each other.

Which brings me to a question that has come up recently…

Is sexting considered being unfaithful or grounds for divorce?

I guess that depends on your definition of ‘being unfaithful’.  It makes me think of the Clinton era… “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

I know that walks the fence but some people are ok with a relationship that involves digital flirting, sexting, and online adult play.  While others would find even a digital relationship as adultery.

Sexting and engaging in digital relationships can get you in trouble if it’s secretive and hasn’t been discussed in your relationship.

Do I think it would be the only reason to cause a divorce?

Of course not.  But I do think it can be used as evidence.

Here’s an excerpt from an attorney:

Silvana D. Raso, a New Jersey divorce attorney, says that “most courts will recognize this as a form of being unfaithful through an outside romantic relationship, ” adding that, “most people do set forth why they are getting a divorce and can use this as the reason.”

Read more: Fox News

None of this is new.  It’s just taking a different media that allows for it to GO VIRAL.  Before the internet it was letters, phone calls, and visits.  It was harder to hide.

Now with the internet and all of these social sites, it’s easier than ever to meet people and later hide the romance.  If that’s your thing, great.  Make sure it’s part of the conversation in your relationship.

Otherwise you may be in for a rude awakening.

What does all this mean to you?

It means we’re friggin human.  It means our brains act the same for all of us.  We fill in blanks we don’t know.  And the blanks we fill in seem to come from our survival mechanism.  We want to be right, protect our emotions, and prevent a horrible outcome.

In the process, if we act on these survival emotions, we may cause more harm than good.

What you should be doing is having an open and truthful conversation with your husband, boyfriend, or partner.  You should be talking about all the things that you DON’T want to discuss.

Why?

If it makes your stomach turn because you don’t know how the conversation will go, then THAT IS the conversation to have.  It will allow both of you to get to the core of the issue, get each other’s take and come to an agreement.

Maybe Facebook’ing with people of the opposite sex is ok but not flirting.  Maybe flirting is ok but not sexting.

I don’t know because each situation is different for every person.  I don’t expect you to tell me what to do in my bedroom and I won’t tell you what to do in yours.

The one thing that should be consistent is the communication between you.  But only if you want your relationship to last.

I want to get the conversation going on this topic.

Have you had Facebook situations in your relationship?  Have you found your husband or boyfriend flirting or having a digital romance?  I’d love to hear the story.

Till next time, I look forward to hearing from you.

PS- I want to note that it doesn’t matter if you’re man or women, heterosexual, bi-sexual, or homosexual these things can happen to you.

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What Does It Take To Turn A Guy On?

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Turn Men OnNot much…

I’m going to give you a handful of straight answers.  I hope you take the hint.

Let’s get to core cookie here.  A WOMAN turns a guy on.  Women are beautiful beings and men tend to be visual creatures.  We like to look, as I’ve discussed in other posts: How To Impress A Man!

But there is so much more to really turning on a man. 

Oh and let me get this out right now.  This is my experience of what turns me on and other guys that I’ve had conversation with.  If you get offended by what I’m saying, think I’m stereotyping or get pissed at anything I write… don’t read it. 

Ok, let’s roll.

Guys are visual and we imagine a lot.  Our imaginations can be extremely powerful.  I’m not a scientist but I would venture to say that 90% of our sexual stimulation comes from our head through imagination.

Many men wouldn’t admit it… but give us a good smut novel and we’ll get rock solid in 10 minutes flat, given the right story.  Hit us with some Nora Roberts and you can forget it.

So what are things women can do to get men turned on?

Boob Swipe

This is when you glance your boobs across our arm, chest… shoot… any part of our body.  We know you’re there.  We feel it.  We like it.  And we want you to keep doing it.  It doesn’t take much to get us going.  It doesn’t have to be skin-to-skin either.  You could put four feet of cement between us and we’ll feel it.  It’s more mental than anything.  It revs up the imagination quicker than a virgin on prom night.

Straight Bend

This one is great.  You know you’re doing it.  It’s when you have those nice pants on and you bend over at the waste.  You give us the shot of a lifetime.  Forget bending at the knees… and we thank you for it.  It gives us just a glimpse of what you got.  Again, our imagination is running the show and more than likely you’re NEKKED (in our mind) when you perform this unbelievably sexy move.

The Elevator Mash

This is when we’re in the elevator and you decide to stand right in front of us.  There’s 15 people in there and you have no choice but to back that thing up.  You graze the member and guess what happens?  The mind starts racing and blood starts flowing.  The bell better ding quick or you’re going to feel a stack of quarters.  Sometimes the elevator mash happens accidentally.  It doesn’t matter, the “uh-oh” mechanism takes over.  This is where uncontrollable comes to play. 

Lighthouse Lanterns

You really want to get our attention, let you nipples get hard and show through your shirt.  Oh man!  Even if it’s a stranger, if the Lighthouse Lanterns show up, I’m looking at least for a minute.  When my wife walks in with hers on, HOOOOLLLLY  SMOOOOKES!  Look out it’s driving me bonkers.  I feel like that commercial… BACON.. BACON… BACON… I WANT BACON!

Sneak Peeks

I love the sneak peeks I get from my wife.  It sets the stage for what’s to come.  It’s a little tease before the action.  The calm before the storm.  These little peeks will cause our minds to race with visuals and fantasies in no time flat. 

Do you realize how hot you make us?

We’re so easy, aren’t we. 

Some of this list is what turns me on and friends I’ve spoken with.  Will this be the same for all men?  Of course not. 

Here’s the biggest thing that turns men on…

Conversation

Yes, a conversation is what it takes to turn us on.  At least it takes a conversation for you to find out what your man likes and doesn’t like.  It takes a conversation for you and him to explore each other in ways you never dreamed possible.  Open up the conversations of what you want, like, and fantasize about and you may end up in a hot sweaty mess.

I find many people don’t open up in the bedroom.  They hold back because they’re afraid of what their partner might think.  They don’t want to say what they truly would like to do.  Instead they hold it in and only fantasize.  Open your relationship up through communication, especially about sex, and you may find your relationship moves to a whole new level.

Don’t be afraid to say, “A little higher”, “A little lower”, “right there”.  “Harder”, “Faster”, “AughhhOhhhh!!!!”

We engage physically and rarely engage to the same level in conversation.  Start there and you will find your sex life and relationship, as a whole, will enhance.

Now that you have a few ideas about what turns men on, how about you leave me a note and tell me what turns you on.  Guys, be open, tell us what you think.  Ladies, give it to us straight.  Give us something to talk about openly.

I hope you have a hot sweaty night!

PS- I’ll be releasing a book soon.  You can look for it around the beginning of July or so.  I might get mauled because of the mancode secrets I’ll be releasing, but I’ll take my chances.  I’ll let you know when it hits the bookstore.

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