Jay Simcic

Relationship posts are written by a self-proclaimed expert on relationships. He's been married for over 15 years and has a lovely daughter who is 6 years old. You can read more on the information page: http://www.relationshiploveadvice.com/blog/about/

How To Save Your Marriage-Advice From A Fisherman

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save your marriage

The following story was told to me by one of the coaches I had in the past.  It came from an interview done with an out of the ordinary fisherman who had great success.

It stuck with me over the years.

It’s profound advice that you can use to improve your relationship, enhance your sex life, or even save your marriage.  You might be skeptical but just believe me long enough to read this story.

Here’s the story…

Captain John Rade, was a legendary fisherman in the New York area.  He was known for out fishing every fisherman in his community.

He is a commercial fisherman.  Which means he can sell his fish when he gets back to shore.  While other commercial fisherman use big nets to bring in their daily catches, Captain John uses nothing but old faithful rod and reel.

He doesn’t use the tools the other fisherman use.  No nets… no giant trolling mechanisms… no large crews of fisherman to help him.

He just goes out in his small boat with his rod and reel and out catches every other fisherman by many multiples of fish.

On any given day, fishing on the same body of water, Captain John would routinely pull in more striped bass than ten of his commercial fishing competitors combined.

How does he do this so consistently.

When he was asked by a local news reporter, he said something so simple but profound.

John said, “When most fisherman go out on the water they think like a fisherman.  When I go out I think like a fish.”

You’re probably wondering what any of this has to do with saving your marriage or your relationship.

The truth is, it has everything to do with it.

Instead of thinking about how you’re going to get what you want, put yourself in your partner’s shoes and think about what they want.

Ask your self these types of questions…

  • How does my partner see me when I act this way?
  • What is my partner thinking when I say what I say?
  • What kind of emotions is my partner feeling in this situation?
  • What would I do in this situation if my partner said or did those things to me?

If you start putting yourself in their shoes you may begin to get a different perspective of how you can approach your relationship.

For instance…

If your husband comes home late from work and you begin accusing him of cheating on you, what do you think he’s thinking in that moment if your accusations are false?

What do you think it would do to the trust between the two of you if you begin talking down about his friends or family?

What do you think he’s feeling if you yell at him for not taking out the trash when you never gave him a timeline to work from?

Do you think it improves your relationship or hurts your relationship if you withhold sex because you’re secretly mad at him and want to punish him?

These may fit, maybe they don’t… either way you have things that go on in your household that if you were to take an introspective look from your partner’s point of view may change everything.

Most people rarely stop to think about the impact they have on other people.  Even the small stuff that you think is insignificant can be devastating if you aren’t communicating effectively.

That’s why it’s so important to think like a fish, so to speak.  One of the fastest ways to do that is to have regular, honest, conversations with your partner about the important things.  Don’t hold anything back from each other.  Don’t judge either.  Listen, put yourself in their shoes, and look for new ways you can be with each other.

It will make all the difference in the world.

Now I invite you to accelerate the success of your relationship, visit Amazon.com and grab a copy of our new book Mancode Secrets Revealed.  It’s a great read that will open your eyes to a man’s perspective.  Read this book and you will begin thinking like a fish and not a fisherman.

Get it here:  http://www.amazon.com/Mancode-Secrets-Revealed-Relationship-ebook/dp/B008VWYR08/

Also, there is a wonderful bonus at the end of the book that will open up both you and your partner’s minds around sex.  After this you might have the best sex of your life.  Go get it and leave a comment on Amazon to tell us what you think.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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How To Save Your Marriage With A Cup Of Coffee

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save your relationship with coffeeA friend of mine told me a story.  It’s an amazing example of how we approach life and our relationships.  It serves as a lesson in how we can improve the world around us and impact our relationships in positive ways.

Listen to this story and identify where in you’re relationship or life you can apply this short lesson.

Here’s the story…

I have a friend names Harlan.  And back in the days when he was serving as a Rabbi he did a great deal of counseling.  One day some friends of his reported that a couple they knew were heading toward divorce.  No one was able to talk to the husband.  He shut down.

The husband was determined that his relationships was over.

When the Rabbi called him on the phone, he asked the husband to come over.  He immediately said, “Rabbi, if this is about the divorce. Forget it.”

The Rabbi told him that he was inviting him over for coffee. If he didn’t want to talk about the divorce, that was his decision and he’d respect that.

When he came for coffee the Rabbi began talking to him about the coffee he was serving.

“This coffee is Kona coffee from Hawaii. It’s one of the most expensive coffees on the market.  It’s taste is out of this world.

But if you go into a supermarket and pick up a jar of coffee, it sure doesn’t taste like this. In fact, instant coffee barely tastes anything close to this.  Instant should hardly be called coffee.

Even the coffee in the can doesn’t taste anything like this.”

The Rabbi’s guest interrupted, “Rabbi, this is the best coffee I ever had! How did you make it?”

He answered: “First, as soon as I get the beans, they go into a freezer in an airtight container. I measure out the exact portion I need and then grind them fresh right before brewing them. The sound you heard when you entered was me grinding the coffee.

Then I pour the coffee into a non-bleached filter and wait for the coffee to drip through. The coffee is so good, most people prefer to drink it black without adding cream or sugar.”

The Rabbi’s friend said, “Who would have thought so much effort went in to making a good cup of coffee?”

The Rabbi said to him, “Anything that’s worth it takes an investment in time and effort. Instant is never worth it.”

He smiled at the Rabbi from across the table.

In a few days the Rabbi heard the man had proposed counseling to his wife.  He told her: “Anything that’s worth it takes an investment in time and effort.”

Now the story is true but let’s look at the core elements.

Most people want instant solutions or they give up (leaving the marriage).

Discover the merits, details, etc. of the more detailed approach in your relationship for a premium experience. (Making really good coffee.)  Realize now that instant solutions don’t work.

Your relationship is worth investing in… If that involves coming to one of our seminars, reading books, or having hard conversations with your partner then go do it.

This isn’t rocket science.  Our relationships are worth living for.  They are worth putting our butts on the line for.  They are the life inside of our lives.

The ball is in your court.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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Relationship Patterns – Improve Your Relationship Now

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Today I’m doing things a little differently.  You get a video instead of a post.

In this video I begin to explore the idea of patterns in our lives and our relationships.  If you take a close look at your own relationships you may begin to notice the patterns you use over and over again.  Watch the video…

YouTube Preview Image

If you can identify your own patterns and start to use them instead of allowing them to use you subconciously you may see a shift in how you view your relationships and how you view life.

Let me know what you think.  Leave your comments below.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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Relationship Breakthrough Challenge-Part 4

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Male and female sign entangled XSmallThis is the final post in the Relationship Breakthrough Challenge.  We are about to uncover the truth and uncover your choice of destiny.  However if you would like to read the previous three posts you can by clicking the link below…

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge – Part 1

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge – Part 2

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge – Part 3

Now let’s dig in.

Before you go to work on your man, try to fix him, or try to fix your relationship you need to find out what TRUTH is.

What do you think truth is?

Most people think truth is something verifiable.  Some people think their beliefs are “the truth”.  Others think feelings are truth.

None of those are “the truth”.  In fact, the truth is made up by what ever you say.

What?  I can see your eyeballs bulging trying to figure out if I’m insane.

Consider that what you think is truth is just a series of beliefs, meanings, and things that were completely made up.

I’ll use an extreme example.  It was the truth many years ago that women stayed home and didn’t work.  That was a belief that was held for a long time.  It was held as TRUTH.

Until it changed.

Everything in our world is built on what we believe to be true and not true.  Until it’s proven otherwise.

So I challenge your beliefs of what you think are true.  But I’ll get into that more in just a minute.

Why do you react the way you do?

Who’s driving your bus?  Who makes decisions for you.  It’s certainly not the you that you think.  It’s actually all the past experiences you’ve used to create your model of the world.  Your decisions and your experiences all shape who you are today.  You react to things because something happened in the past that gave you some “truth” about how to act.

I’ve used examples like this before… if you were dating someone and they cheated you form an opinion about that situation. Your brain starts to “see” patterns that might give you an indication that your man is cheating.  You do it without knowing you do it.  And here’s the kicker, it’s happened so many times you believe what you’re interpreting as the truth.  You see him talking to another woman and you immediately believe he is cheating.

That is your past experience being used to create a belief that you have as true.

As you can see, it’s the past that’s causing you to react the way you do.

In order to get to the TRUTH you first have to be ok that how you react may not be TRUE.  Some people find it hard to give up being right long enough that their model of the world may not be the TRUTH.  It’s like when people said the earth was flat.  It’s hard to give it up until you challenge it.

I’m asking you to challenge it.  Because when you do, you’ll find that you begin to gain power over being at the affect of life and truly gain a level of choice in your life.

What is choice, really?

One of the definitions of “Choice” by Merriam-Webster is the act of choosing and having a variety to choose from.

Consider that you’ve been living your life without choice.  Because you’ve been reacting to things that happen given by your past and what you think is true, you haven’t been choosing anything.

It’s just been an illusion.  In fact it’s your past that has been driving everything you do and you’ve never truly chosen anything.

So how do you choose?  When an event happens you have to stop, before you react, and ask yourself why am I about to react this way.  Think back to the earliest time you can remember that may have caused you to be that way.  That past experience is what is causing you to react at a subconscious level.  If you accept that and acknowledge that it no longer has to be that way, new openings for action arise.

You gain choice.

You see, it’s the choices and decisions you make that guide you down paths in life.  It’s the meaning you give the results that shapes how you see the world.  It’s how you see the world that gives you your actions.

Choice ultimately shapes your life.

How does choice shape your life?

Your actions are always congruent with how you see the world.

For instance, if you think your man is cheating (that’s how you see things) then you will act in accordance with that.  All your actions will be given by your suspicion that he is cheating.  And if that’s the case then you are shaping your life in that way.

If you can separate yourself from the meaning you’ve automatically given things and reassign a meaning you would be better suited to live with it’s possible to shape your life into anything that you want.  And that zooms into your relationship as well.

If you are having relationship troubles then look to YOU first and ask yourself some questions…

Why do I react that way?

What meaning did I give that?

What do I make it mean about me?

What can I change the meaning into that would allow me to have new openings for action?

You’ll notice that everything begins to shift in your life and your relationship.  Try it on.  See how it works and let me know what your results are.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this short series and I’m sure if you’ve applied some of these strategies you will have already had a breakthrough in your relationship.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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Relationship Breakthrough Challenge-Part 3

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RelationshipBreakthroughSmallIf you missed the first two parts of the Relationship Breakthrough you can check them out here…

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge-Part 1

Relationship Breakthrough Challenge-Part 2

I would recommend you read those first two posts first to get the greatest impact of today’s lesson.  But either way you will GET value.

In this part of the Relationship Breakthrough you’re going to get an idea of why you may see your relationship as not working, what causes you to feel the way you do, and how to take your relationship to a new level.

Get ready to unlock the blueprint of your relationships.

When you look at your relationships and how they’re working for you it stands to reason the first thing that needs to be done is look at where your relationships come from.  Why does it seem you get into the same type of relationships over and over again?  Why does it seem like you end up with the wrong man over and over again?

So first, ask yourself…

How have YOU made your relationships be the way they are?

You’re probably saying… What!?  How have “I” made my relationships this way?

That’s right… It’s time to take responsibility.  If you recall from part 2 of this series the focus was gaining your power back by being responsible for the way things are.  It’s time to do that RIGHT NOW.

You’ve made your relationships the way they are by finding the person you’re with as a result of the story you’ve told yourself over the years about YOU and others.

For instance, if you think “I’m not good enough.”  You may find yourself looking for partners who are less than you.  Not like value you but like they need something from you to be right.  That way you feel a little better, like you have everything figured out.

I’m not saying you do this consciously.  I’m saying that based on the story “I’m not good enough” that you’ve built up at an unconscious level you do things to find people who fit that mold.

Now lets add to that a story you have that says, “I’ll never find the right partner, I’ll have to change them.”

You may find yourself looking for partners who are sub par.  People who NEED YOUR HELP.  That’s also congruent with how you see yourself.  If you’re not good enough and you find someone who needs your help, WOW you might feel loved and appreciated for once.

I’m here to tell you, none of it’s true.

What is your story, exactly?

Your story consist of your experiences, feelings, and memories in life.  In essence, it’s your past.  AND it’s what you have made the past MEAN to you.

Let me give you an example…

Henrietta grew up with an abusive father.  He verbally abused and sometimes smacked her around.  Her first experience of a man was her father.  At that age she decided she never wanted to be with a man who was like that.  She drew conclusions of what he looked like, how he talked, the tone he used, and how he acted around women.  This happen when she was a child and stayed with her forever.  A few more instances of this type of abuse occurred as she grew up that solidified those thoughts.

Now, she won’t be with a man who looks, acts or uses the tones like her father and those other men.  Now she is with men who are weak and are submissive to her because she wants to be in control.  She doesn’t want to be treated like that again so she compensates.  But she does it at an unconscious level.  It’s the young girl that’s driving the bus, not the grown adult.  She has no idea why she’s picking these men.

There could be more too it.

When she was a girl she figured she wasn’t doing things right, she wasn’t good enough, because her dad treated her that way.  That thought has stuck with her.  She feels like she’s not good enough and compensates with the men she’s with in one way or another.  So, not only does she not find the RIGHT man for her, she also treats them differently because the story is running her life.

She hates her relationships because they don’t go the way she thinks they should go.  But they ARE going the way she has created them to be – from her past.

You’ll probably say, “She didn’t cause her father to do the things he did.  She didn’t cause the men she was with to be submissive.”

No but she made the meaning and she went looking and accepted the relationships of the submissive men.

So why doesn’t she have the relationships she wants?

It’s because our lives are like a thermostat.  We set it to 76 degrees.  If the temperature is 80 degrees then the air kicks on and it cools the house till it gets to the set temperature.  And vice versa.

If you have a vision of how your relationship should look but your story has run it a different way, you’re not happy because your thermostat is off.

You strive for your relationship to be a perfect 76 degrees but your story guides you down a different path.  (You’re A/C unit is broke.)

If you keep doing the same thing and you never interrupt your story you’ll continue to get more of what you’ve always gotten.

That’s why it’s so important to take responsibility for everything you’ve created in your relationship and your life.

So why don’t you change things, knowing that you want your relationships to go a certain way?

It’s because we take actions congruent with how our relationships occur to us.

For instance, if in your relationship you view your partner as broken, needing to be fixed, weak, or anything of the sort – you will act accordingly.  You will treat your man that way.  At the same time if you “aren’t good enough” you will treat yourself in your relationship as if you aren’t good enough. (You stay with someone who is not the right fit only because you think it’s the right thing to do—again story.)

Your story may be telling you – My partner needs fixing and in order to make me feel like I’m good enough I’m going to stick it out and try and fix him.

You act in accordance with how you see yourself and how you see your partner.  Combine those two things and you have the reason why you do the things you do in your relationship.

And it all stems back to getting responsible about yourself, your past, and the people you’re with in a relationship.

So that begs the question…

Can you change your story, the meaning you’ve given things?

Yes!  Yes!

You can’t change the events but you certainly can understand why YOU created what they mean and you get to create new meaning or leave it be.

For instance, Henrietta can’t change what her father did and what the other men in her life did but she can be honest and understand what she made those things mean.  She can be responsible that SHE created the meaning as a little girl and she no longer has to live her life that way.  She can now be responsible for her actions.

She can now choose to stay with the man she’s with – all issues and everything – or she can choose to move on.

There are only a couple of ways Henrietta can get through this.

She may realize that she was compensating for her stories about how she sees herself and how she sees her partner, realize her partner is not the RIGHT person for her and go find someone knew.

Or

She could realize all those things and stay with her partner if she TRULY believes this person is right for her.

Now that she realizes those things about herself and her story she can be aware of her actions, change the way her relationships occur and how she occurs to herself.  That by itself will change the actions she takes in her relationships.

It all boils down to taking responsibility for yourself.  It’s just being done in a way you may have not seen before.

How do you change the meaning something?

This might be easy to grasp and allow me to explain it.  Have you ever reacted to something negatively or in a flammable way.  Ask yourself, why did you react that way.  It will more than likely take you to a belief you have about something.

Now be honest and ask yourself why you have that belief.  You may find that you don’t know why, you may know why, but either way that belief has a certain meaning for you.  And if someone drives in the opposite direction of the way you THINK it should be, you react.  And you do it at an unconscious level.

Now, if you can be responsible for the fact that you MADE the meaning up or transferred that meaning from someone else, like a parent, you can see how changing the meaning is a matter of accepting responsibility for it and choosing to change it.

You can change it or allow it to be neutral.  It’s your life, your belief, use the event and the beliefs how you want.  But don’t let them use you.  Don’t be at the affect of life.

Be responsible.

How do you take that and move your relationship to the next level?

Now you can live your life productively with your partner.  You can powerfully choose to stay or leave based on what you uncovered about yourself and how you view your relationships.

Once you understand and can utilize this you will either take your current relationship to a new level or you will create a new relationship. But ultimately you are FREE to choose that for yourself.

You are not locked in.

And remember you can NOT change your partner.  You have to do the work first.

I remember a time when my wife asked me to take the trash out.  It took me 3 hours because I didn’t do it right away.  She got pissed.  She had expectations that I was going to do it right when she asked, but she didn’t communicate it.  Also, she got inflamed because she ended up taking the trash out and figured it was my job to do that.

After we talked about it we both realized that she got pissed, not at me but at what her belief was about what I should have done.  I realized that when she made a request it was in the moment.  Now we communicate a whole lot clearer.

Now go practice.  Take some time by yourself and follow these steps.

  1. Pick one area about yourself that you would like to investigate.
  2. Ask yourself why you are that way. Be honest and think back to the earliest memory you have that would make you the way you’re being or seeing yourself.
  3. Write it down like this… Write down what happen and then write down what you made it mean.  And be honest.
  4. Now that you have identified that, write down ways that meaning has filtered your view of yourself or others around you.

If you do this and you’re honest with yourself, you may find that you’ve been letting a meaning that happened long ago has been driving your bus.  You just didn’t know it.

In the next post of this series I’m going to show you why you find yourself not taking action when it comes to confronting your partner or people in other relationships.  You’ll see clearly how to overcome what it is that stops you.  Stay tuned…

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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