Fault, Blame, Victimizing–How to Overcome Your Relationship Obstacles

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Relationship ConflictThere are times in our relationships that we feel stuck.  There are times in our relationships that we fight.  There are times when we are not very nice to our partner.  Then there are times when everything is going perfectly.  And it’s during the tough times that allow us to grow.  It is the tough times that point directly at what it is we need to go to work on.  And it’s only revealed to us when we are open to it. 

Let me tell you a short story.  It’s a good one that has been told many times before.  But the context of how you read/hear it today will be completely different than you heard it before.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.

Source: Stories To Make You Think

As you can see this story is about overcoming obstacles.  And before you walk away thinking that you’ve heard it before I’d like you to consider that maybe you haven’t heard it THIS way before. 

You see, we tend to live our lives in a world of fault and blame.  We point the finger at others when they “make us feel a certain way”.  We point the finger at ourselves when we “fail to perform” at something.  In the story above, the boulder is just another way to point the finger. 

“It’s not my problem.  The boulder was there when I got here.”

“The guy before me should have moved it.”

“Damn it, I don’t know how to move it.  I don’t have any tools.  I so useless.”

All of that could go through our minds.  And those same ways of thinking are what clog our brains in our relationships when things go wrong.

Now, if we approach our fights, arguments, and problems differently – more like the peasant – new opportunities for action may open up.  What if the next time an argument broke out you became the peasant.  Instead of fighting, reacting, blaming or pointing the finger you asked yourself…

“How can I use this as a learning opportunity?” 

“How can I act differently that may cause a different outcome in this situation?”

“How can I take responsibility for the current circumstance allowing me to regain power and move the conversation in a different direction?”

This is how you can begin to maneuver the boulder.  You now can have a choice when things don’t go your way.

When things don’t go as planned you can…

Be a victim, complain, bitch, moan, and blame either others or yourself

OR

You can create choice, look for new ways of acting that will allow you to learn from the experience and progress your relationship and partnership in the direction you want it to go.

It’s up to you now.  You have the choice.

Love… to infinity and beyond.

Jay

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