If you missed the first two parts of the Relationship Breakthrough you can check them out here…
I would recommend you read those first two posts first to get the greatest impact of today’s lesson. But either way you will GET value.
In this part of the Relationship Breakthrough you’re going to get an idea of why you may see your relationship as not working, what causes you to feel the way you do, and how to take your relationship to a new level.
Get ready to unlock the blueprint of your relationships.
When you look at your relationships and how they’re working for you it stands to reason the first thing that needs to be done is look at where your relationships come from. Why does it seem you get into the same type of relationships over and over again? Why does it seem like you end up with the wrong man over and over again?
So first, ask yourself…
How have YOU made your relationships be the way they are?
You’re probably saying… What!? How have “I” made my relationships this way?
That’s right… It’s time to take responsibility. If you recall from part 2 of this series the focus was gaining your power back by being responsible for the way things are. It’s time to do that RIGHT NOW.
You’ve made your relationships the way they are by finding the person you’re with as a result of the story you’ve told yourself over the years about YOU and others.
For instance, if you think “I’m not good enough.” You may find yourself looking for partners who are less than you. Not like value you but like they need something from you to be right. That way you feel a little better, like you have everything figured out.
I’m not saying you do this consciously. I’m saying that based on the story “I’m not good enough” that you’ve built up at an unconscious level you do things to find people who fit that mold.
Now lets add to that a story you have that says, “I’ll never find the right partner, I’ll have to change them.”
You may find yourself looking for partners who are sub par. People who NEED YOUR HELP. That’s also congruent with how you see yourself. If you’re not good enough and you find someone who needs your help, WOW you might feel loved and appreciated for once.
I’m here to tell you, none of it’s true.
What is your story, exactly?
Your story consist of your experiences, feelings, and memories in life. In essence, it’s your past. AND it’s what you have made the past MEAN to you.
Let me give you an example…
Henrietta grew up with an abusive father. He verbally abused and sometimes smacked her around. Her first experience of a man was her father. At that age she decided she never wanted to be with a man who was like that. She drew conclusions of what he looked like, how he talked, the tone he used, and how he acted around women. This happen when she was a child and stayed with her forever. A few more instances of this type of abuse occurred as she grew up that solidified those thoughts.
Now, she won’t be with a man who looks, acts or uses the tones like her father and those other men. Now she is with men who are weak and are submissive to her because she wants to be in control. She doesn’t want to be treated like that again so she compensates. But she does it at an unconscious level. It’s the young girl that’s driving the bus, not the grown adult. She has no idea why she’s picking these men.
There could be more too it.
When she was a girl she figured she wasn’t doing things right, she wasn’t good enough, because her dad treated her that way. That thought has stuck with her. She feels like she’s not good enough and compensates with the men she’s with in one way or another. So, not only does she not find the RIGHT man for her, she also treats them differently because the story is running her life.
She hates her relationships because they don’t go the way she thinks they should go. But they ARE going the way she has created them to be – from her past.
You’ll probably say, “She didn’t cause her father to do the things he did. She didn’t cause the men she was with to be submissive.”
No but she made the meaning and she went looking and accepted the relationships of the submissive men.
So why doesn’t she have the relationships she wants?
It’s because our lives are like a thermostat. We set it to 76 degrees. If the temperature is 80 degrees then the air kicks on and it cools the house till it gets to the set temperature. And vice versa.
If you have a vision of how your relationship should look but your story has run it a different way, you’re not happy because your thermostat is off.
You strive for your relationship to be a perfect 76 degrees but your story guides you down a different path. (You’re A/C unit is broke.)
If you keep doing the same thing and you never interrupt your story you’ll continue to get more of what you’ve always gotten.
That’s why it’s so important to take responsibility for everything you’ve created in your relationship and your life.
So why don’t you change things, knowing that you want your relationships to go a certain way?
It’s because we take actions congruent with how our relationships occur to us.
For instance, if in your relationship you view your partner as broken, needing to be fixed, weak, or anything of the sort – you will act accordingly. You will treat your man that way. At the same time if you “aren’t good enough” you will treat yourself in your relationship as if you aren’t good enough. (You stay with someone who is not the right fit only because you think it’s the right thing to do—again story.)
Your story may be telling you – My partner needs fixing and in order to make me feel like I’m good enough I’m going to stick it out and try and fix him.
You act in accordance with how you see yourself and how you see your partner. Combine those two things and you have the reason why you do the things you do in your relationship.
And it all stems back to getting responsible about yourself, your past, and the people you’re with in a relationship.
So that begs the question…
Can you change your story, the meaning you’ve given things?
You can’t change the events but you certainly can understand why YOU created what they mean and you get to create new meaning or leave it be.
For instance, Henrietta can’t change what her father did and what the other men in her life did but she can be honest and understand what she made those things mean. She can be responsible that SHE created the meaning as a little girl and she no longer has to live her life that way. She can now be responsible for her actions.
She can now choose to stay with the man she’s with – all issues and everything – or she can choose to move on.
There are only a couple of ways Henrietta can get through this.
She may realize that she was compensating for her stories about how she sees herself and how she sees her partner, realize her partner is not the RIGHT person for her and go find someone knew.
She could realize all those things and stay with her partner if she TRULY believes this person is right for her.
Now that she realizes those things about herself and her story she can be aware of her actions, change the way her relationships occur and how she occurs to herself. That by itself will change the actions she takes in her relationships.
It all boils down to taking responsibility for yourself. It’s just being done in a way you may have not seen before.
How do you change the meaning something?
This might be easy to grasp and allow me to explain it. Have you ever reacted to something negatively or in a flammable way. Ask yourself, why did you react that way. It will more than likely take you to a belief you have about something.
Now be honest and ask yourself why you have that belief. You may find that you don’t know why, you may know why, but either way that belief has a certain meaning for you. And if someone drives in the opposite direction of the way you THINK it should be, you react. And you do it at an unconscious level.
Now, if you can be responsible for the fact that you MADE the meaning up or transferred that meaning from someone else, like a parent, you can see how changing the meaning is a matter of accepting responsibility for it and choosing to change it.
You can change it or allow it to be neutral. It’s your life, your belief, use the event and the beliefs how you want. But don’t let them use you. Don’t be at the affect of life.
How do you take that and move your relationship to the next level?
Now you can live your life productively with your partner. You can powerfully choose to stay or leave based on what you uncovered about yourself and how you view your relationships.
Once you understand and can utilize this you will either take your current relationship to a new level or you will create a new relationship. But ultimately you are FREE to choose that for yourself.
You are not locked in.
And remember you can NOT change your partner. You have to do the work first.
I remember a time when my wife asked me to take the trash out. It took me 3 hours because I didn’t do it right away. She got pissed. She had expectations that I was going to do it right when she asked, but she didn’t communicate it. Also, she got inflamed because she ended up taking the trash out and figured it was my job to do that.
After we talked about it we both realized that she got pissed, not at me but at what her belief was about what I should have done. I realized that when she made a request it was in the moment. Now we communicate a whole lot clearer.
Now go practice. Take some time by yourself and follow these steps.
- Pick one area about yourself that you would like to investigate.
- Ask yourself why you are that way. Be honest and think back to the earliest memory you have that would make you the way you’re being or seeing yourself.
- Write it down like this… Write down what happen and then write down what you made it mean. And be honest.
- Now that you have identified that, write down ways that meaning has filtered your view of yourself or others around you.
If you do this and you’re honest with yourself, you may find that you’ve been letting a meaning that happened long ago has been driving your bus. You just didn’t know it.
In the next post of this series I’m going to show you why you find yourself not taking action when it comes to confronting your partner or people in other relationships. You’ll see clearly how to overcome what it is that stops you. Stay tuned…
Love… to infinity and beyond.