Over the next several weeks I’m going to challenge you to have a breakthrough in your relationship. I’m committed that you uncover different aspects of your relationship that allows you to take the bond you have with your partner to a new level. This is going to require you to pay attention and practice a few steps. And when you do, you’ll SEE the results.
Over the coming weeks I’m going to talk about different aspects of how to overcome limiting beliefs, how to overcome stress, and take responsibility for certain aspects of your life. I’m also going to have you look at the story of your life, how to uncover the truth that you really never lose, and how your decisions ultimately guide your life as you know.
During the next 4 to 5 weeks all I ask is that you keep an open mind to the ideas that I provide you. I’m certain that if you follow along do the practice sessions and continue to practice on a daily basis you will have breakthroughs in all the relationships in your life.
Let’s start with our emotions.
One of the things that we tend to do is we look at our relationships and all the problems we have. However, what we fail to do is look at the problems objectively.
What I mean by that is… take someone who has tons of money, has everything that they could ever want, but hates life. Then look at someone who is a paraplegic who has every reason to hate life but lives a fully satisfied, happy, and joyful life.
If you begin to look at your problems objectively you may see that they really aren’t that big. Besides, every problem you ever encounter can be handled. And we’ll talk about how you can deal with them in later posts.
One area that allows you to feel like you’re doing well in your relationships is making progress toward some goal you WANT or NEED.
When you’re making progress toward a goal, you feel alive. You thrive with positive emotion because you can see you’re moving in the “right direction”.
And if you don’t feel like you’re making progress toward that goal, you SEE it as a problem to overcome.
Consider that the circumstances of our lives don’t control our emotions or how we feel.
You may look at an event that seems to be negative and say that it was the event that caused you to feel a that way. This is completely not true. YOU control how the event occurs to you.
To turn your problems into something workable you first have to shift how that experience occurs to you. In order to do that you must change your “should’s” about the experience.
My wife barked an order at me. She shouldn’t have done that. She should have ASKED me to do what she wanted. Instead she pissed me off and I yelled at her.
Consider that my reaction was based on how it “should be”. And the “should be” is something I totally made up.
Now consider you do the same things. You have a list of “should’s” in everything you do in life, PRIMARILY your relationships.
“He should open the door for me.”
“He should cook my dinner.”
“He should let me orgasm first.”
Our lives are built from a world of “should’s” that we didn’t know we had.
We REACT, not to the event, but how we think it should go.
Consider for a moment that your “should’s” were created from the experience of your life. That’s how you came to believe them. Now they seem true to you even if they aren’t. These turn into expectations that may go unfulfilled because you’re partner doesn’t know.
The Devil Inside
If having these expectations of how things “should” go wasn’t enough add to it one of the deadliest relationship killers of all.
Our default emotion.
Yes, you have a default emotion. It’s something that you default too when things don’t go the way they should… It’s natural for you, it’s your default. We all have it and sometimes are different depending on the “should”.
For instance angry people will get angry when an expectation is unfulfilled. Depressed people will get depressed when their expectation is not met. Ambivalent people get ambivalent.
These are default patterns that will drive us in our relationships. They will be what you resort to in those “circumstances”.
Now consider you don’t even know that you do it. You react to life as if life is making you do things. You react to events in your relationship as if the other person is making you angry, depressed, or sad.
They aren’t DOING it. Consider for a moment that it is YOU who gets to choose how you react.
The only way that you can gain control of your emotions and make a difference in your relationship is to become aware of it and modify it.
So here are a few steps you can take to identify what your typical patterns are and change them so you can take your relationship to the next level.
Identify your dominant emotion.
What you want to do is look at how you act. Be honest with yourself and identify the dominant emotion that you turn to in times of need or crisis. Take a sheet of paper out and write down all of the emotions that you use during a given day. They can be both empowering emotions as well as disempowering emotions.
You may notice that you turn to the same emotions over and over again. These are your dominant emotions. These are the emotions that you turn to when your relationship doesn’t go the way you think it should.
What’s the fix.
Now I want you to look at the emotions that you just wrote down. Think about what emotions you would rather have or that would make a difference in your relationship when the crap hits the fan. What emotion would you have that if you had it, would make all the difference in the world.
For instance, if your dominant emotion is anger what emotion would you like to have in place of anger that would transform your relationship with your partner?
If you’re depressed, what emotion would you like to have in place of it that would give you a breakthrough in your relationship.
Again, be honest with yourself and write this down on that piece of paper.
Practice awareness and shift the emotion.
The next step in having a breakthrough in your relationship is to practice being aware. You must “SEE” when you’re turning into your dominant emotion. Said another way, if you’re dominant emotion is angry, then notice when you get angry. If your dominant emotion is sadness, notice when you get said.
I’m not saying look back into the past. I’m saying notice it when it happens. Once you notice it you have the control to shift it. This is your opportunity to shift that dominant emotion into the one you said would cause a breakthrough in your relationship.
If you’re angry, notice it and shift it to joyful (or whatever you chose). Shift depressed into happy.
What ever it is you do, shift it into what it is you WANT.
Just by doing this exercise you will gain so much power over your emotions you may surprise yourself. And when you do this it may even impact others around you.
Anchoring the emotion.
The next step is to make that shift happen so you don’t have to think about it. The only way that can happen is if you continue to practice day after day, recognize your dominant emotion and when you’re having it, shift it into the fix emotion. As you become aware and practice these emotional shifts you are gaining control over your results.
Let me explain what I mean by that last sentence. Imagine that your partner comes home from work and demands that you make dinner. Your normal condition would be to get angry. What would it be like if instead of angry you got joyful. You don’t have to have a reason, you just get joyful. It would shift the situation considerably. In fact your joyfulness may impact your partner’s emotions. How awesome would it be if he ended up being joyful because of you.
As you can see we have dominant emotions that were dealing with time and time again. It’s natural and we all do it. But sometimes those dominant emotions may not be healthy in our relationships. So it’s up to us to take control, identify those dominant emotions, shift them into emotions that will progress the relationship forward and enable it to be a spectacular partnership. Once you do that you can continue to condition your dominant emotion into something that you enjoy.
Once you do this for you relationships, you may notice that it rolls over into the other areas of your life.
If you have questions please go ahead and ask them below. Most importantly I’d like you to read this more than once and then go practice.
I would love it if you would let me know your results. Also next week we’re going to talk about how to overcome stress and what taking responsibility really means. This could be the secret sauce that allows you to transform your relationship to a whole another level.
Love… To infinity and beyond.