Here’s a story for you…
Jeff was dating Michelle. Jeff cheated on Michelle with her best friend and she found out.
She was devastated.
This happens two more times with guys she has dated.
Now Michelle is dating Henry. The problem is that every woman Henry talks to or even glances at, Michelle gets jealous and becomes very angry. Is Henry doing anything wrong. Not in this case, but Michelle is carrying with her the past relationships with Jeff and all the others. Because she’s had so many men cheat on her, she believes all men are cheaters. Maybe not outright but those thoughts creep in from time to time. They’re there.
That ultimately impacts Michelle’s relationship with Henry and if nothing changes, their relationship will more than likely end up like all the others… broken.
She has a choice.
She could choose to let go of the past and totally be with Henry for who he is RIGHT NOW. Not who she thinks he is, who he could be or any other stuff she makes up. If she chooses to be with him for who he is now she may find their partnership grows in ways that she never dreamed possible.
All because she gave up the past.
Have you ever considered that your past relationships could be haunting YOU? Those relationships could be the reasons you do and say the things you do and say.
You’re probably looking at this post right now going, no… not me.
But the truth is, we ALL carry around our past relationships and then compare them to our current relationship. We’re constantly looking to see if they measure up.
Do you ever find yourself dreaming or thinking of anyone in your past? Maybe you had a dream about him. Do you think that could be influencing how you are now.
Absolutely it is.
It’s even worse if you’ve had a few difficult relationships. You’ll carry those around with you and bounce every new partner you have with those old ones.
If you don’t do something, it could be impending doom.
Either way you look at it, whatever is necessary for you to let those past relationships go NOW is what MUST be done. If you don’t, no relationship you have going forward will stand up on it’s own merit.
It will always be a comparison to something.
Time to move on.
I get it, those past relationships made an impression. You don’t have to forget them. You don’t have to forget the things you like and don’t like in a relationship. But it’s imperative that you move on and complete them.
Focus on what you have right now and live it up. Don’t focus on the past. Stop comparing.
The person you’re with right now is a blank slate. You get to start over new and see your partner for exactly who they are for you. You control what you think and do and it doesn’t have to be an effect of past problems.
Be who you truly want to be with the partner you’re with right now. Be loving, kind and free. If you break up, ok. If they cheat, ok. That actually has nothing to do with your value, your confidence, or in fact anything to do with you.
They did what they did. There’s not much you can do about. But we’ll tend to re-live those moments over and over again.
I don’t know about you but once is enough.
Give it up and move on. Find someone else. Here’s a great excerpt from a popular psychology magazine that illustrates this concept…
By becoming psychologically differentiated from damaging experiences and identities from our past, we can develop a stronger sense of who we really are. We can begin to live our lives rather than relive our pasts. People who are differentiated in this manner have succeeded, to a large extent, in emancipating themselves from negative childhood influences. As a result, they have developed their own value system and set their own course in life. When people have a sense of their identity and are possessed of self, they can have a genuine respect for the boundaries, wants, and priorities of another individual, be it their partner, spouse, friend, or child.
Genuine love requires valuing another person’s goals in life separate from one’s own personal needs and interests. In a truly loving couple, each partner recognizes that the motives, desires, and aspirations of the other are as important as his or her own. Because they feel congenial toward each other’s aspirations, partners try not to interfere, intrude, or manipulate in order to dominate or control the relationship.
You’ll never be able to tell the future. But the way our brains work we try to tell in advance if someone is the right person for us, if they are a good person and if they will do right by us.
The fact is, you can speculate all day long. But you’ll never know for sure.
The bottom line is, let those past relationships go. Live with aliveness and vitality in your current relationship. Be who you truly want to be and allow your partner to be with you as you are, not with the baggage.
Do you have a long list of relationships that didn’t work? Tell me about them. Post them below. I’d love to engage in conversation with you.
Till next time…